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Parenting: Friends Talking Community

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Problems with adult son...help

Ok, there is 21 years of history so, as Mom, I know all the dynamics and most people just...

Posted by Pppaige

Ok, there is 21 years of history so, as Mom, I know all the dynamics and most people just offer up a quick "do this" or "do that". I have kind of turned a deaf ear to those close to the situation because they are as upset as I, but again, as Mom, I am allowing, errr enabling, or whatever because he is my son.

Here's the situation. 21 y/o on 8/27. I raised him from birth to 15, then he moved in with his dad who was pretty much absent all that time. Dad was career military with rotating tours to middle east, so step mom was adult in charge 50-75% of the time. A year later, moved back with me, but at this point he was used to no rules and running with the wrong crowd. Lasted a year with me, then back with his dad his senior year in high school. He got into criminal trouble (arson- burned down a porta potty at a community park while with a group of teens). I handled that legal dilemma by arranging for restitution, community service and apology letters. Then, he served 2 years in the USAF, but got an underage consumption and was offered an early out. He took it. Spent the last year since military discharge living first with his dad, who kicked him out, then with "friends" who ultimately gave him a deadline day to be out. During this year he worked as a cook in the town restaurant and did CNC machining, but quit both jobs not long ago to sit in his "room" (which I discovered was 1/2 of a single car garage with no heat or a/c) and smoke pot 24/7. Jobless for a month, expired car registration, no money and 40 lbs lighter due to lack of food, he sent me a text message 48 hours prior to his move out date saying goodbye, that he was calling it quits. He attempted suicide and failed....I found out the next day.

The day after that I drove 2 hours to his "room" he lived in, drove him 25 miles to the BMV to get 30 day tags on his car, and he followed me to my home and moved in. Since then, a month and a half ago, he is now on his 3rd week at a local fast food restaurant, and loves it. I have paid a lot of money keeping gas in his car, buying loose tobacco and rollers (cheaper than cigarettes), new clothes (as his were ratty and stunk), providing a roof over his head and food in his stomach. Not to mention a washer and dryer, hot shower and TV.

In return, $5 went missing from my purse a week ago, my daughter had $1 go missing today and he hasn't done his own dishes or laundry since he's been here. I found out he received 2 small paychecks (1 was from orientation at his current job and 1 from orientation at a temp assignment prior). I found out he cashed both, didn't tell me and spent the oney. The deal was, I was to handle his finances 100% because he has no car insurance, about 6 collections agencies after him and other financial responsibilities. I have devised a budget that started with his first full 2 week check yesterday, where he gets gas money, a small, personal allowance and the rest goes to bills or savings. He took his personal allowance yesterday and bought a drug detox kit and "pipe". Upon finding those in his car, I made him leave to his one and only "friend's" house to get out of my sight.

My problem is this: everyone says kick him out. I know just 6 weeks ago he attempted suicide due to the very same situation he will be in should I kick him out. He is working. But, I am sure he is smoking pot with his friend and is adamant that all my job is, is to manage his money and let him do what he wants as long as he is working. He says he's 20 and is acting no different than any other 20 year old and I am blowing things out of proportion. I have a 16 year old daughter witnessing all this who says....kick him out. The nearest homeless shelter is in the inner city 15 miles away and isn't a good environment. He has no one else to turn to. No one.

Think about it please. It's easy to say "kick him out", but is that the only option?View Thread

Posted byPppaige

3 Replies | Reply | Watch This DiscussionReport This| Share this:Problems with adult son...help Ok, there is 21 years of history so, as Mom, I know all the dynamics and most people just...

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