I've not delved into studies enough to know if there are studies linking being spanked as a child to domestic violence. I know that not every child spanked would turn to domestic violence. I know that by and large most kids who are spanked turn out fine. But I do know there is a link between growing up in a house with domestic violence and then going on to commit it later in life because all they know (especially little boys) is that you hit your woman if she doesn't behave the way you want her to and that with women if your mom was beat you are likely to see getting beat as normal.
I say that violence is not the best choice as someone who served 14 years in the military, but even in the military we prefer deterrence to actual violence. I do recognize that in some cases violence is necessary, but it should truly be the last resort. I know that comparing spanking to war is a huge stretch and I am not saying they are on the same scale.
i do just think that some children are going to be more emotionally fragile than others and something that could crumble that should be avoided.View Thread
Okay, you asked, so i'm going to reply. Maybe you will read it this time.
I am not opposed to the occasional attention getting swat, but it would be just that - a single small swat to get her attention. I've not done it and hope not to. I am opposed to a 'whooping' - which I define as repeated blows from a hand, belt, paddle, switch, whatever.
IMO a whooping teaches a child that violence is an acceptable way to control someone. It also teaches them to fear the person hitting them. Violence is never the answer to personal problems. a child under the age of about 3 doesn't really understand what they are getting hit for and over that, you can find other ways to teach them something is wrong from taking away toys and privileges to time outs. Yes it may be a little more time consuming or intensive on the part of the parent, but I think long term it reaps better benefits.
Granted plenty of folks were 'whooped' as kids and turned out fine, but there are still many who have gone on to perpetuate the cycle of abuse, whether against their child, significant other or animals. There are also those who bear the emotional scars of their parents' discipline style. There is a woman who posted in the main Parenting Community about how the fact she was whooped by her parents has left her an emotional wreck unable to have a decent relationship with others. There is just no way to know how physical punishment will be received by the child. I could never live with the guilt if my child grew up to be an abuser, animal tormentor or have attachment issues.
DD got into a bunch of DH's modeling paint - which is partly his fault for not locking the office or putting the paint away, but she has repeatedly been told not to go in there or touch his stuff. He let loose and swatted her hard 3 or 4 times. It took several hours before she would be near him without breaking down. He felt horrible about having hit her after seeing the utter fear in her eyes - she was terrified of him because he had hit her. This to me cements that hitting your child is not right. Your child is someone you should be loving and protecting, not making fear you.
Raising children is not easy. It involves give and take by both parent and child and lots of work by both sides to set and enforce boundaries.
Overall taking away privileges and time outs have worked pretty effectively. She is relatively well behaved for her age.
Like I said, I'm not saying that a swat has no place and of course I see nothing wrong with slapping hands or pushing your child away from danger when that's the only choice you have, but the message sent by using frequent whoopings is not a positive one. Do what I say or I will hit you is not something that you can do at any other place in society - then how does it make it right to do something to your child that you cannot do to a coworker or other acquaintance?
and even before the latest 'touchy feely' phase of parenting that some may decry as putting the kids in control, plenty of parents raised their kids without physical discipline. I was born in the mid-70s and not hit and my parents both born in 1950 were not hit and we all turned out fine.View Thread
Check out the 'spanking gets you nowhere' thread. a woman just posted to it who was 'whooped' as a kid and it did some irreparable damage to her self esteem. I'm not saying that everyone will have anxiety and trust disorders, but you never know if it's going to be your kid. Why take the risk if there are other ways out there to modify a child's behavior?
I was not hit as a child, nor do I believe in hitting my child other than something like slapping her hands or pushing her out of the way when she is trying to do something dangerous and that's the best option to keep her safe.
This isn't the place for that debate, but i honestly don't see how physical punishment is going to get to the root of why this child won't change/use pads. None of us know what sort of education about her body this young lady has had, but clearly there is some underlying reason she does not want to use pads that needs to be addressed.View Thread
I don't see why not. You may need to buy the slender ones or ones for teens. and of course make sure she knows the dangers of leaving one in for too long, that tampons don't need to be full before they should be removed.View Thread
Have you looked into smaller and thinner pads? The ones she's using may be too big/bulky and may be uncomfortable to her. I know that Kotex has a new line out for younger girls that are proportioned for them. I know early on i couldn't stand some of the thick, oversized pads out there and make sure i buy the really thin ones now.
Has she said why she doesn't want to wear pads or change them regularly? Have you or the girlfriend (or her doc) sat down with her and calmly had a conversation with her about menstruation and the importance of cleanliness during this time? Make sure this is a two way discussion where she's free to ask questions and be non judgmental.
Maybe something else is to take the cost of the TP out of her allowance if she gets one while providing the pads free to her. Hitting her in her wallet may convince her to change her mind, though she might just turn to something else. you really do need to find out why she isn't interested in pads. She may prefer the TP because it can drop into the toilet without her having to touch it. That might also be why she doesn't want to change her pad. The thought of touching the bloody pad may gross her out. This might need a discussion from a health professional to get her to come to grips with her monthly cycle.View Thread
Definitely don't give her the meds. as for her not wanting to go to the doctor, make her. You are the parents - your roof, your rules. Prescription drugs are prescription for a reason and should only be taken under the care of a physician.
Some things that may help her wind down and sleep. 1. No electronics in at least the hour leading up to bed time - which at her age should probably be around 10pm. That includes her phone. The one exception would be playing quiet and calm classical music. 2. That hour before bed the lights should be dimmed to signal her body it's getting late and it's time for bed. If you are using solely overhead lighting, look at getting some floor/table lamps and use them after about 8-9pm.
Too often we keep the lights up, the TV, computer. mp3 players and phones on right up until bed time which keeps your brain stimulated. If she is getting home late in the evening and stuck doing homework until late into the night, that will also keep her brain going as the stress ramps up to try to get it done so she can go to bed. as much as she might think it would suck, you may have to have her pare down her after school activities. Being in a ton of activities won't matter on your college application if your grades are bad because you spent more time on the extra-curricular stuff than the curricular stuff. a 3.8 with 2 or 3 solid activities will look better than a 2.5 with a dozen.
Good luck and remember you are the parent and your job is protect her and keep her healthy, even if it means having her do things she does not want to do.View Thread
I wonder if with regards to the poetry if there has been something happen at school. Has one of his classmates been killed or seriously injured or perhaps one of his friends lose a close family member? It is normal for teens to go through a phase when they try to sort out the meaning of mortality.
as for the military (disclaimer: I served 14 years in the Navy), there could be two reasons.
1. He wants to live out his video game fantasy - in which case he could use a good reality check by talking to a member of the service he wants to join and not one from the recruiter's office. No offense to recruiters, but their job is to upsell the military to make their quota. This could give him some real perspective on what it really means to be in the military. I do know the Navy had a program where young sailors could put in to go back to their hometowns and speak at local high schools to let kids interact with real sailor.
2. He could be tiring of school. Boys tend to be more restless than girls and he may be chafing under the structure of academics and not be interested in doing another 4-5 years of sitting in the classroom all day. The military can be a great option for these folks. it gives them a chance to finish maturing and increasing the odds of success in college for those who were ambivalent about it at 18. It also provides college benefits so that when you graduating you won't be saddled under mounds of debt. If you are smart about saving while in the service it is possible to graduate debt free, but even if you aren't it won't be near what it is for the average student.
If he is serious about the military, he should make sure he signs up for a particular specialty. While I was an officer, I saw far too many of my sailors sold the bill of goods about 'you don't have to decide now. Once you get to your ship you can apprentice to whatever rating you want.' That's not entirely true. The military teaches many wonderful trades and those who who serve in a specialty have a step up over folks who joined purely as infantrymen. Of course there is nothing wrong with going infantry and many folks have made careers out of it, but it's not a skill that translates well to civilian life.
Each of the services also has commissioning programs for motivated enlisted that will pay for their schooling so they can go on to be an officer.
Of course it is a very difficult life and there is the risk of death or injury, but there are several jobs in the civilian world that are more dangerous.
as to the 'shooting range', you should try to have an open and non-judgmental discussion about where the interest in guns came from if no one in your family has firearms. This would be a good time possibly looking into getting him into a firearms safety course if he is serious about it. Far too many people out there are injured by guns because they don't know how to safely take care of or operate them. Just because you don't have guns and tell him you disapprove of them doesn't mean that he isn't exposed to them from his friends.
If you don't feel he's being open with you, perhaps you could look to finding a third party counselor to help you communicate effectively with him. just remember not to be too judgmental or dismiss his plans for the future because they aren't yours - that will cause him to clam up.
If you look on the internet about sleep problems, some recommendations included dimming the lights and shutting off all electronics at least one hour before bed time. This may require a massive adjustment of schedules if she's been working on her homework or doing stuff with her electronics up until bed time. This hour would be the time to do the quiet activity in the common area. The bedroom should only be for sleeping, so make sure there isn't a TV or computer there that she might turn to for distraction.
Something else to maybe look into is yoga before bed to help relax. There are evening yoga exercises that could help her relax her mind.
also, just have her move her bedtime back 15 minutes at a time from when she normally falls asleep. This should help her gradually shift her bedtime earlier. It's the same thing they recommend for smaller kids when approaching the time change. Trying to drastically shift it can be almost impossible.
Just one other thought, does she perhaps go through a period earlier in the evening when she's tired and then pushes through? Part of the trouble may be that she's overtired given that she's being woken up before her sleep cycle is over.
Sadly many teenagers are wired to fall asleep late in the evening and schools have not done them any favors with scheduling school start times so early. a few years back a study was conducted showing it's best to start the elementary schools first since those kids tend to be early risers and high schools starting around 9am. School districts aren't complying with that, so we as a nation are fighting biology in trying to get our kids to school.View Thread