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Parenting: Preteens & Teenagers Community

Parenting preteens and teens is a new challenge. Should you worry about peer ... more

Reply: Bisexuality in teens

There seem to be quite a few responses here discouraging you from sending your son to...

Posted by emcd91

There seem to be quite a few responses here discouraging you from sending your son to therapy. As a bisexual woman who regularly sees a therapist, I can tell you that there is absolutely nothing wrong with therapy and that it has helped me immensely. However, you should not force your son to see a therapist. Ask him if it is something he would be interested in and be sure to clearly explain to him that therapy would be a safe place for him to talk about his feelings and his experiences. Be sure to emphasize that you are not encouraging therapy because you are trying to "fix" his sexuality.

Other tips for talking to your son about being bisexual:

1. Don't tell him it's "just a phase", because it probably isn't. If he straight up tells you he's bi, even if he doesn't fully yet understand all aspects of his sexuality, then he's bi. He needs a safe space to explore his feelings and get to know himself.

2. Educate yourself about bisexuality. For instance, your son's sexuality doesn't change based on who he's dating. If he's bisexual, dating a boy doesn't make him gay for as long as he dates him, and dating a girl doesn't make him straight for as long as he dates her. Also understand that many bisexual people suffer discrimination from both the straight and the gay and lesbian communities.

3. You mentioned earlier in a reply that your husband had a talk with your son about straight and gay sex, and that your son was surprised about gay sex. Assuming your husband is straight, I'd be interested to know exactly what facts he knows about gay sex and exactly what he said to your son. Well-meant misinformation is still misinformation. Even so, if your son was correctly informed about gay sex and was still surprised, that still doesn't mean he isn't really bisexual. It just means he has never been educated about different types of intercourse.

4. Your original post seems to make a lot of assumptions about your son: that because he's always been quiet and introverted, he probably wasn't the initiator - you don't know that for sure. Maybe he didn't, maybe he did. Even if he didn't, that doesn't necessarily mean he was coerced; he could have been a very willing participant, especially considering he's "had these feelings for a couple of years.

I guess the most important advice I can give you about your son and his sexuality is to be supportive of him. Ask him how he's feeling and be understanding. Let him know you're making an effort to educate yourself in order to understand where he's coming from. Be open and honest with him and with yourself, ask him about aspects that you don't understand or are confused by, and offer to help him find information and support resources. I can't stress enough how important it is to be openly supportive. If your son is not "out", then you should not out him to others (including talking to the other boy's mom about it - that could involve outing your son and her son, which can be horribly damaging). But, if he is out to your immediate family, or later when he may decide to come out fully, show your family and friends that you support him and will not tolerate any negative behavior from them about it.

As for the therapist, I can't advise you on exactly who to take him to (someone who specializes in family, teen, or is known as an LGBT advocate would be ideal). And remember that you could benefit from therapy too. Go separately, or, if he agrees, go with your son. But I would strongly advise you NOT to go to a therapist with a religious affiliation. Many (not all, but many) religiously affiliated therapists are certified by religious institutions, and may be likely to view your son's sexuality negatively, which could be permanently damaging to him.

Hope this was helpful, and above all, be loving and respectful!View Thread

Posted byemcd91

(FromParenting: Preteens and Teenagers)

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