I have 2 healthy children and decided to have another. My son is 10 from a previous marriage and my daughter is 2 from my current marriage. I just turned 40 in January and found out I was pregnant in March. We were very excited and planning on having a new addition to our family in November, but I miscarried. Now that this has happened I have been driving myself crazy wondering if it was a sign that I was not to have any more children. I am so scared that because I am 40 and my risks go up that something will be wrong with my baby. I know it is a risk anytime you get pregnant, but I have a boy and a girl and they are both healthy I am starting to wonder if I should chance it. I was told that since I have other children my risks are less than a 40 year old that has never had children, but that kind of confuses me..risks of what?? birth defects. I just don't know what I should do. Do I risk it or do I just decide to stop trying and hope that 5 years down the road I don't regret not trying. I just don't know what I want anymore. Has anyone ever went through this before? How did you finally decide what was right for you? So many woman are having kids in their 40's and healthy too, but the statistics say that for downs it is like 1 in 100 and that is scary. I am just looking for some advice or some encouraging words of some sort. I don't want to wait forever to make a decision.View Thread
I know what you mean about the time breathing down your necks. I know that if I don't do this soon then I probably won't. I just have to work through my fears. Like I said I have two kids that are both healthy and one of each sex. Life is a risk and I took it twice and it turned out, but am I pushing it by trying again?? That is something I have to work out in my head.
As far as the answer or not answer to my question that I gave my husband...Yeah it made me irritated. He is such an optimist and I have been so negative since this has happened. I know that it was just his way of saying that I can't live by the what if's in life. If we all did that then nobody would have take any chances in life and we would all be pretty miserable people. I know what he is saying, but it is still hard to take that jump.
I know what you mean about all the bad things and wondering why are they happening and why do you deserve all of this. I know when my mom was diagnosed with lung cancer they didn't have a very hopeful outcome, but then she went in remission..it was like a miracle...They never thought she would do so well. Then it came back, but not as bad...within 5 days of that diagnosis and chemo discussion they found it was also in her brain and gave her 6 months to live. I have been through a lot in my life and my mom has always been there for me and helped me through it all. The thought of losing my mom has been the hardest thing mentally I have ever gone through. What will I do without her? It makes me sad that she would have liked one more grandchild that she could see before she died and now that is not going to happen. With this pregnancy I thought that maybe it would happen. It would be very close, but it was possible. I was thinking I could give her that one last wish and maybe it would give her the strength to hold on, but then I miscarried. It just doesn't seem fair and why??? I have become so negative that I think with the way things have been going i have myself thinking that adding to it all there will probably be something wrong with my baby if I have another. Horrible way to think, but with all the negative I can't help wonder if that will happen just to add to everything. If it happened I know my mom would be there to help normally, but now she will be gone.
Anyway, I think you need to take your wife out to a nice dinner and maybe ask her about when she thinks she will be ready to try again. Whatever you do...do not push. Just tell her that you know she has mentioned that she wants to try again, but you just wondered when it would be the right time for her? Then maybe you can get some answers and not keep waiting and wondering. I am not telling you what to do by any means, but think about it. You need some answers.View Thread
I am sorry for what you are going through. Do you think you can handle it if she says she doesn't want to try again? I am not sure what my husband will say. I recently told him that I was concerned that if we had a child with issues...because lets face it I have a higher chance of that due to my age..that I would feel guilty not to be able to give as much time to the 2 children we have now and it would not be fair to them. If we don't try to have another then we don't take that risk. I am all over the place with this. His response to me was "Well, what if I got in a car accident tomorrow and died and I couldn't spend any more time with our children?" Not sure how to take that. He just keeps telling me to give it time..I never was afraid of these things before the miscarriage and I was certain of what I wanted.
I wish you luck!!, but maybe as hard as it is right now you should have the discussion so you don't keep wondering if it is ever going to happen. I hope that you hear what you want to. How old is your wife? Is there time to wait a little longer? In my case, I feel like if I don't do it soon...that I won't do it. I have more going on too so the stress level is very high. My mom has brain cancer and the prognosis is not good. I thought this pregnancy happened when it did for a reason, but it turns out I was wrong. My husband and I were talking about waiting after we found out about my mom, but I was already pregnant and did not know it yet. I thought maybe because we would be losing her that this baby was a sign of new life and it was meant to me. I guess there was another plan.View Thread
I am new to this site so I wish I could have been able to answer this for you before. You probably know if you were pregnant or not at this point. I hope it all worked out for you. I just turned 40 and have 2 children and my husband and I decided to try again. My youngest is his, but my oldest is from a previous marriage. We got pregnant, but miscarried. I am dealing with whether or not I can handle trying again. The miscarriage has brought up so many feelings. I can't try for another couple months at least anyway so I hope to make my decision by then...I am not getting any younger and it is scary enough being my age.
My question to you is...Have you seen a doctor? and do you have any other kids? They say if you are over 35 and if you have been trying for over 6 months that you should call them.
I wish all the luck in the world. I hope everything works out for you and you get what you want.View Thread
The answer to your question bout my husband is that I know he wants another child, but he knows if I won't or can't handle it that he is not going to pressure me. We have never really discussed if I was to seriously say I don't want to try how he would feel about that. I do not want to disappoint him, but I also know I can't do something that I am not ready for...it would not be fair to either of us. Hopefully time will help me with my decision.
As far as your wife and being intimate...I guess I see where she is coming from. I love my husband, but I just don't feel like doing anything..It has nothing to do with him and it is me. I don't know if I am just sad or scared or what, but it is the last thing on my mind. Don't take it personal. Maybe it is a woman thing. When we are hurting and confused we kind of pull away. I know everyone is different, but that is how I am anyway. Does that make sense? It does sound like it is longer than normal not to have some sort of intimacy, but everyone handles things differently. Has she seen anyone to talk about what she is going through? I would say meds would help, but if you are going to try again I doubt you really want to do that. I know the time frame is a lot longer, but my husband and I have not been intimate since February. With everything going on it doesn't seem that long, but realistically it is. When you are hurting time kind of stops..Does that make sense? I don't know if any of this helps you or not, but maybe it will help a little. Also, are you sure she really wants to try again? or do you think she only wants to because you do? If she is feeling that way..she may hold a little resentment towards you. I am not saying that is what it is,but it could be.
Thank you for your advice and input. I know in the end I have to make this decision. After the miscarriage it has just changed so many things. I can't imagine going through it again and you and your wife have. I am so sorry!!! It may take her a while to heal. Try to be patient.View Thread
I know I should not focus on my age, but it just makes it harder since the risks are so much higher. I think I chanced it once with my son and he is a healthy vibrant 10 yr old...then I chanced it twice with my 2 yr old daughter. I have a boy and a girl...Do I chance it again?? Am I playing with fire. I have a friend who told me it was ultimately my decision, but when I asked her what she would do she said she wouldn't do it. I have a boy and a girl and they are both healthy...why put myself through that torture. I don't know what to say to that..It kind of hurt my feelings a little. I keep going back and forth and it truly is driving me crazy. We actually have at least a couple of months before we can probably think about starting so I don't know why I keep dwelling on it. If you would have asked me a year ago I would have said...Oh I am done. I had severe postpartum depression and I thought there is no way I can have another, but then that all changed. The thought of actually being done scares me, but so does the alternative. I just don't want to be very much older we choose to do this. Will I forgive myself if we try and the baby is not healthy? I can't explain the feelings that I am having. Maybe it will all come together eventually. I think maybe a part of it is because of what just happened to me and I am still trying to cope with that and I am adding additional stress by trying to decided to go forward or not. Plus, I know my husband wants another. Will I ever know what is right for me or will I always wonder? How did your wife cope with everything and decide she wanted to continue trying? I am scared. I was so sure when we tried before, but then the miscarriage and it has brought up so many more feelings.View Thread
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