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My husband and I decided to start TTC back in October of 2009. We became pregnant in January of 2010 and had to decide immediately on our living situation since it was time to renew our apartment lease the same week as the BFP. We decided that since we were pregnant we needed an apartment with an extra bedroom for a nursery. Our move in date was set for April. We told everyone right away about the baby and we knew about the risk for miscarriage but I wasn't worried because I had no bleeding or signs of anything being wrong at all. Then on a Monday in April I had a doctor's appointment and we were supposed to hear the heartbeat for the first time and she couldn't find it with the doppler. She got the ultrasound and found no heartbeat and growth had stopped at around 13 weeks. That was on Monday. On Wednesday I had a D&C. Thursday was my birthday and then Friday we had to move into our brand new apartment where we had an empty nursery. We were beyond devastated. I really don't remember the details of that week or the following week due to the shock I was in. We were absolutely devastated.
My doctor gave us the green light to TTC again after I had my first period. I was expecting it to take a month or two, but two weeks after the D&C I was bleeding and I freaked. I thought that something went wrong with recovery since I didn't have much bleeding after the surgery and rushed to the doctor for her to tell me that I was having my period. Then we suddenly realized that we weren't really ready yet. It had only been 2 weeks. Although we weren't trying yet I still had to feel like I was doing something proactive so I started charting my temps. I also did the Robitussin & Aspirin regimen like my sister-in-law recommended up until the day I was supposed to ovulate in June. We decided that once I had a healthy temp'ing curve then we would start trying again. In June I had all of the ovulation kits and we decided to try again and had success on the first try. Literally, the first try. We only did it once and had success. I only wanted to try once so that if we didn't have luck I could blame it on that, but luck was on our side.
We waited until we were past the point of our first loss (around 14 weeks along) to tell most of our friends and family just in case it would happen again. I told my mom and my best friend just in case I would need the support and to have someone to talk to about everything. The rest of the family, especially my MIL, were actually quite upset about being "left in the dark" but we had to do what was healthiest for us.
The fear never goes away, it just changes shape. With my daughter Gwen, in the beginning I was afraid because I wasn't feeling anything, then I was afraid that I was throwing up too much, then afraid that I wasn't feeling movement yet, then afraid that there wasn't enough movement, then afraid that I was leaking fluid when it was discharge, then afraid because I fell on the ice, then afraid because I was effacing at around 28 weeks, and then I was afraid something would go wrong during delivery. Now that she is here, I am afraid that she is not breathing while she sleeps, I am afraid at every one of her doctor appointments, I am afraid that I am not treating her eczema correctly, I am afraid I am going to get water in her ears while giving her a bath, etc... There is one thing I will never be afraid of, I will never be afraid that she is not loved enough. Gweneth is surrounded by love and that is the most important thing. My DH and my sweet Gweneth Grace hold the keys to my heart.
Here I am again, pregnant!!! And here I am once again, TERRIFIED! I had spotting early on with this pregnancy but my numbers seem to be rising properly. I really couldn't have made it through my last pregnancy without this board, and I know that I will need you all just as much this time around as well.