I recently found out that I am pregnant with my 4th child. To be honest, I still am not 100% sure how I feel about it. I have always been labeled as high risk. First pregnancy I was attacked at 6 months of pregnancy after coming home from school, thus putting me as high risk for the rest of pregnancy due to stress causing me to develop preeclampsia (eclampsia by the end of pregnancy). Second pregnancy I was fine, but near the end of pregnancy at 39 weeks I was induced due to developing preeclampsia, and with my 3rd pregnancy, I had emergency c-section due to full eclampsia that lead to swelling of my brain at 34 weeks gestation. I was sure I was done having children. My husband and I wanted a bigger family, but after our 3rd son, I found myself content. Unfortunately, I wanted to have my tubes tide, but GYN only wanted to put me on birth control or mirena, which due to existing health problems I could not do. So I switch GYN in order to find one that would approve the surgery. However, by the time the appointment came I found out, I am pregnant. My husband, is thrilled. I dont even show yet, and he talks to my tummy. So I know he is truly happy. As for me, I was thinking of doing something against my belief, I was thinking about aborting it because I could not go through what I went through the last time, not when I have 3 children who still need me so much. But when I saw the sonogram, I couldn't. I feel inlove with this tiny embryo that is inside of me. So I decided to stay and follow through with the pregnancy. However, I am only 8 weeks and already my blood pressure keeps getting higher. There are days when my head hurts to the point that my eyes get blurry, and that is when my fear creeps in. I keep praying that I can hold the baby until it has a chance to survive outside of me, but every time I look at my children's faces I am filled with guilt over putting this one above them. I lost my mother when I was young, and it left a hole in my heart that even now still aches. I cannot do that to them. Every day, I exercise and it helps a bit, but never enough. I cannot fully talk to my husband because in a way all he see is the positive. And I cannot talk to my family because no one is really happy about this pregnancy, and they are not shy in telling me so, making this already stressful situation even more brutal and heartbreaking.
The doctor says she will try what she can. But deep down, I dont think it matters. With my last son, I was fine. Picture of health. I went to dr tests came back perfect, next day went to get a sonogram, when they realized I was not talking properly. Even though the test showed me to be fine, when they did a CT scan that is when they saw what was going on. So now I am even more afraid with this pregnancy because if last time it went undetected, what is to say that it wont happen again. I am terrified . All I do is look at my kids and want to cry. Yet, I cannot get myself to volunteer to end this pregnancy because in a way, its not its fault. Its mine. I am the one with the weak body. I should of known better, been more careful, gotten a new GYN sooner and gotten the darn surgery. Every day I wake up with my head pounding, high blood pressure and eye problems. So every day I am reminded of what could happen. I feel so alone. I dont know what to do. I try to imagine him/her born healthy, beautiful, but I cannot. Its due on Christmas day, can you imagine? I know that if we make it through, oh how I would love this child, but I cannot seem to put my fears aside. I dont want to die. I dont want my children to grow up without a mother. And I dont want this child within me to be so "disliked" by my family simply because of being conceived. Maybe all this is simply because we just found out, and people reactions is so negative, I do not know. I do know is that I feel so alone, and my heart is breaking because I dont know what is the right thing to do.View Thread
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