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This statement applies (among other things) to all close relationships, which will have some kind of struggle or conflict at times. While it's understandable to want to avoid or run away from this, doing so prolongs (and probably exacerbates) the problem or prematurely ends the relationship. In what ways have you tried in your relationships to escape the negative by doing something positive or "adding something better to it"?
If you would like to read more in detail about this topic in my The Art of Relationships blog, click here .
Dr. Becker-Phelps's discussions and her responses in those discussions are for general educational purposes only. If you need help for an emotional or behavioral problem, please seek the assistance of a psychologist or other qualified mental health professional.View Thread
i really need your help i have a nasty temper but i am also full of love, when am upset i dont slap my girlfriend nor use abusive language but i just keep silent for a couple of hours or days if its that bad. what should i do overcome this temper?
please adviseView Thread
"People with a strong ability to mentalize have the often difficult-to-attain perspective of understanding themselves from the outside and others from the inside".
Understanding themselves from the outside and the others from the inside.
In a way it puts the critical emphasis back to the early years and education, about values.
How much value placed on relationships and self improvement, some people don't need much self improvement at all, because are born naturally well adjusted to social interactions. Their natural traits are rewarded with lots of good friends, they then go on to master many types of social interactions and they know how to have fun.
They don't need to do much analysis and understanding of others mind on the "inside", they just play and create the social atmosphere that others will go along with and respond to according to their moods.
Over obsessive work goals can treat on others toes, and be socially ejected. Personal ambitions can also be damaging to relationships.
Great article, please write some more.View Thread
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My original post was about trusting and not being able. And that is still the problem. Except now, I have a baby and we live together.
We've been together for almost two years now and I still struggle with the trust some days. Some days I just don't feel good enough for him, that what I do is not what he wanted in someone. I worry that he is not happy and it worries me. We now have a 3 month old son. And he is wonderful, I don't think we could have asked for anything better! I feel sometimes that he is ashamed of me. That I'm not pretty enough, that I'm not good enough to hang out with his friends because I'm younger. We never do anything with other couples, we don't really go out much at all. It makes me feel likes it's me that is stopping us from doing things like that. I just started back nursing school monday, and I am currently not working through this last semester. So this leaves all the financial responsibility on him, which is also very tough for me. I feel worthless sometimes, because I can't help pay for bills and what I do at home is not good enough.
When you have a child, alot of things change. Mostly to me it seems the people that I thought would come around more, don't. The people that we're giving me baby showers, don't ask about the baby really.. and that hurts. alot. You never know how it feels until your put into the same or a similar situation.
I know this is a very random discussion, but all of this has been on my mind so much lately. I hate to put my burden onto other people talking about it. so typing it here just helps to get it off my chest.View Thread
People with a strong ability to mentalize have the often difficult-to-attain perspective of understanding themselves from the outside and others from the inside. So, for example, you understand your recent outburst with your partner is despite your anger toward him for a problem in the moment due to mounting anger from problems with him over time; or due to misplaced anger from problems at work. And you might see his angry response as defensiveness. By recognizing this, you can work with your partner to more effectively address the situation and move on.
Can you relate to this idea? Can you see how your understanding of your own or your partner's experiences and motivations help keep your relationship on track?
If you would like to read more in detail about this topic in my The Art of Relationships blog, click here .
Dr. Becker-Phelps's discussions and her responses in those discussions are for general educational purposes only. If you need help for an emotional or behavioral problem, please seek the assistance of a psychologist or other qualified mental health professional.View Thread
Throughout the events of our friend's funeral planning we came into contact more and more, and as he has told me since, he started to see me less as his friend's little sister and more of a person he could see himself with forever. Roughly two weeks after our friend's passing, his older sister got married, I had been busy with family during the day, but ended up going to the reception that night. I walked into it with the intention of spending the evening with a few girl-friends, but the second I entered the room, my boyfriend stood up and waved me over with a huge smile on his face. He had apparently been set up with one of the bride's friends, but wanted to spend the party with me. He was a little drunk, so I didn't think much of his advances, he had put his arm around me and had not let go the whole night. Eventually he asked me for a ride, since he didn't want to drive having had as much to drink as he did. We ended up driving around the whole night and talking, it was amazing. I have never been more comfortable with anyone, and honestly think I fell for him that very night.
We ended up spending every day together after that, he moved out of the house he shared with roommates just to be closer, and even called my brother to ask his blessing for us to officially date. He was gentle, he was kind, he was absolutely wonderful. But, being in the military, his leave was ending soon and he had to move a state away to Vegas and spend a year there for training. After only a month of dating, he asked me to go with him. After only a month of dating, he also told me he loved me, and that after his ex-wife he had wanted to be single for a while, fool around with a bunch of girls and experience freedom, but that I had changed all of that for him. I felt the same way about him, and agreed to go with him, knowing my family (other than my brother) would disapprove, and that going meant there was no turning back.
Flash forward to Vegas and slowly my boyfriend became more angry, he started lying to me about emailing people on craigslist, and telling me it was my fault for "snooping." The emails were to transvestites, and were anything but platonic. He told me after I pushed him that he was curious and only wanted to see one, but slowly this turned into wanting to fool around with one, and men too, and now he wants me to participate in a threesome with another girl. I am not okay with this at all, sexual contact is personal to me, intimate, but he sees it as just play. "They are like sex toys," he says. Now, after having told me he loved me, wanted to marry me, have children with me, and grow old with me, he is saying that because he is in the military and could get deployed and killed at any time, a life HE chose, he thinks he should get to "do everything he wants" beforehand. Which apparently means do everyone he wants before that happens. He claims that if we got engaged all of this would stop.
He has said that I can either basically allow him to cheat, which is how I see it, or leave him. I feel betrayed, I have fallen in love with someone and now I don't know what to do.
Do I allow myself to be unhappy so he can get what he wants, or do I try to move on?View Thread
How well do you take in compliments and words of appreciation from loved ones?
What effects does this have on your relationship when you take them in; or don't?
For this and many other great blogs from Dr. Becker-Phelps, please visit her Art of Relationships blog.
Dr. Becker-Phelps's discussions and her responses in those discussions are for general educational purposes only. If you need help for an emotional or behavioral problem, please seek the assistance of a psychologist or other qualified mental health professional.View Thread
Anyway, I just found out on facebook that my daughter was in this big city - We had seen her before Xmas and she never mentioned she was going with the in-laws - I knew the in-laws were coming after we left but never mentioned they were also going to this city.
We were there a total of 24 hours - in-laws came and are still with them after Xmas and almost New Years.
You see, these are the things that affect me and these are the reasons sometimes I get depressed and am now - going over to son's house in a bit for soup - only have 2 kids - but anyway - I guess I have to accept what I cannot change - I am who I am - I can't be somebody else - my daughter's inlaws are "hep and fun" - we probably aren't but anyway I told her via text message I didn't see anything wrong in me mentioning on facebook that I didn't know she was in this city.
Anyway, thanks for listening - am down now - doesn't take much to make me feel that way these days but after soup at son's house maybe I'll feel better. Just got done working out.
I know my daughter never really liked me too well because I am a very nervous person and suffered with anxiety and still am working on it all the time and can't help it even though I've done my best in raising her - she turned out fine - but I know her in-laws are #1 and we come who knows where after that.
Am glad I can vent about this without my name and do appreciate your ears. Glad we can do this at this website.
Happy New Year to all of you.View Thread
I have dealt with seeing his ex-wife and ex-girlfriend every week so he can get his kids for visitation (which they are both completely unstable) and have never done anything, nor lied to him about anything to make him feel that I would, it doesn't explain for the way he acts. We'll have these giant fights to where hes moving out and then all of a sudden hes "sorry for treating me this way and things will be better". I thought it was me so I went to counseling and got on anti-depressants for my depression, however I can see it's not. I don't know what to do, I love him with all of my heart and want to buy a house, get married, and have his child, but he acts like I put him down all the time, help everyone else more than I do him, or that I'm going to leave him for someone else.
Honestly it's just gotten tiresome to constantly explain to him that I'm not going anywhere and that I'm sorry for whatever some other girl did to him to make him this way.. but it's not me! When we talk and I tell him these things he'll get mad for a while and we'll fight, but eventually it's him crying telling me he's sorry. I am NOT leaving him, that is not an option, I just want things to get better, what should to do?!View Thread
http://forums.webmd.com/3/relationships-and-coping-community/forum/828/57?pg=1
Anyways, I'm 27, and completely untouched (as in no intimate contact of any kind). Let's start there. I'm also almost flat broke and out of options (yes, I have a job, but it don't pay squat and the benefits are pretty much nonexistant, and apparently there isn't anything else around here willing to give me what I'm looking for weekly, which I at least THINK is not too much to ask). I've come to believe I suffer from what some know as AvPD (avoidant personality), but I can't afford to see a therapist to confirm. Having been in therapy before with negative success (at least 2 of them told my mother, who is the MAJOR issue in my life, that I was better off locked up), I've come to believe that psychologists/psychiatry may not help. Then there is the fact that I am resistant to any medication I have to take for more than 3 weeks (proven fact, and it's not because I don't take it).
I've fought for every single thing I have. Literally, I have fought for my life. It's in my name, even (no, seriously, it translates that way!). I keep up with the bills. I graduated with high honors from a technical school (don't have the job associated with it because I had the luck to graduate just before the economy crashed!). I've paid for every penny I've put into various projects. I taught myself to read and tie my shoes when I was younger. And yet, I keep fighting a losing battle with myself.
When I was in school (what seems like eons ago), I was the scrawny kid that got picked on and beat up for fun (because of the disorder that almost killed me). I was short and skinny as a rail. Now, I'm not so short, but you try finding pants and a belt for someone with a 29" waist (it's impossible... I have to go to the boys department for belts!). My experiences with the girls then were not favorable. And they got worse through high school, seeing all of the decent girls on the arms of posers, while I might as well have not existed.
And all of the while, I've been told I'm not so bad looking. Well, the way I see it, if that were true, I'd be married with kids by now. I don't drink (did that once on my 21st and almost killed myself... NEVER AGAIN), I don't go to clubs, and I don't really fit in much anywhere (because of the AvPD and because I only specialize in things most women could care less about). Pretty much all of my friends deserted me years ago, which adds to the loneliness.
I've tried, believe me. I met a couple women online a few years ago. One decided she would rather marry the guy who she KNEW cheated on her several times (for the money to pay her student loans off, nonetheless) than actually date me, and the other and I just fell apart after a year and a half without actually having met (still kicking myself over this one, and I really see no reason to as it was coming anyways). Now, I can't even get a 15-minute conversation going. Heck, I can't even get past the initial question. Of course, there's the girl at work that I know has been flirting with me for over 2 years, but she just had a kid with a guy who used to be my manager (and I KNOW is a real no-good), even though she does still continue to flirt. No, I won't get in on that. I figure if she's already been there, she's used up. And I figure I blew my chance years ago.
Is there possibly any way I can get some advice of sorts without having to sell my soul (if I even have one any more)? Being lonely and having nobody but my cat to talk to is getting a little old. So is getting less than 5 hours of sleep a night (on a GOOD night) and not being able to finish a meal (I can only eat so much at a time but end up eating again later again and again).View Thread
Is this something you can relate with? Have there been times when being positive has backfired on you?
If you would like to read more in detail about this topic in my The Art of Relationships blog, click here.
Dr. Becker-Phelps's discussions and her responses in those discussions are for general educational purposes only. If you need help for an emotional or behavioral problem, please seek the assistance of a psychologist or other qualified mental health professional.
View Thread
Well, she put a bottle of wine in a bag on my porch and said that's ok it's just a little something.
Well, she obviously still wants to be friends with me - so on Christmas Eve I feel good that she is still a friend even though we don't chat as often as I'd like.
So, people - never give up hope - I value friends as I don't have much family here - so am happy she showed up and we agreed again after Xmas we will talk again.
Merry Xmas to everyone. Lets also say prayers for our country - God Bless America too!View Thread
Dealing with my family has been something that I have just put off. I hate it when others are disappointing in me and if I do not do what they want, that is exactly how they act.
This year they asked me when me and my fiance would be coming fore Christmas (I live an hour and a half away, and already drive that distance every Sunday to visit and be in their church) And I told them that we would be there on Christmas morning and just stay for the day. Immediately my mother started 'offering suggestions' to come on Christmas Eve instead and said how dumb it was that we would want to be alone instead of with family. I expressed to her that it was not a lack of desire to be with family, it was simply more convenient for the pair of us, and we were just going to have dinner and exchange gifts. That was an unacceptable response to her and she has continued (Even this morning- Christmas Eve) to tell me how I am acting as though my family does not matter.
I know that tonight all they will be doing is watching movies. It isn't going to be a time of any specific tradition, just 'family time'. I have nothing against that, however my fiance is working today (his 8th straight day) and we would really like to just relax and not drive down tonight. We both feel that my parents are being unreasonable and that we should be able to come and spend Christmas day without causing an argument.
However, my mother now has blamed this 'non family oriented' behavior on the influence of my fiance. Perhaps my steadfastness is due to him. However, this situation is not. Whenever I do something that is not what my parents want, my mom guilt trips me and manipulates me to get what she wants. I asked he when she would start treating me like an adult ad respect my decisions and her response was "when you start making the right decisions, ones that arent ridiculous."
How do I change this unhealthy and controlling relationship to one that is appropriate??View Thread
Here's the thing... She has done so much in these past few months that I don't know if I can even be happy anymore. Should I give her the time away she says she needs? Will that help her want to come back to me? and How can I trust that she won't be with anyone else while she is "finding herself and fixing her life"?
Someone please reply soon. I have been getting extremely depressed and I don't know hat to do.View Thread
After I'd tried to kill myself months before then, he was hundreds of miles away during my long recovery in the hospital. I did hear from him, but through his lawyer, about an unrelated matter, where he no longer wanted to pay money that he owed for my education. Maybe you won't be surprised, but when I got out of the hospital, I was looking forward to seeing him the way I usually did that time of year.
I was unemployed at the time, but he had me pay my own way (I can't remember how I did it) to travel those hundreds of miles to see him, where my stepmother was waiting to tell me she didn't think I'd really been ready to kill myself. After leaving that visit I did try once more, several months later, after which I told him we were parting ways.
I once had a dream that my stepmother resembled porn star Shy Luv, about as far from her as you can get, but funnily enough she wasn't even acting sexually in the dream, she was just a much nicer person. She and my father spent years teaching me, and I wasn't the only one, why I shouldn't expect anyone to like me, but I can tell you for sure that what they've been doing all this time is sitting at their dinner table, without friends, talking about how everyone else is worse than they are.
Even with people they did call friends, they rarely had anything to say behind their backs that wasn't completely condescending, especially that none of them had made anything of their lives. I liked those friends of theirs the most, and having drinks with their cousin Gloria from time to time, whom they couldn't say had made nothing of her life because she was Gloria Estefan, and I wish I could've seen more of her, but I had to get and stay the hell out of my father and stepmother's sphere of influence.
This is starting to feel like a very difficult time of year for me, but anyone with any kind of sense does get himself out of an abusive situation like that as long ago as I did, so it's at least one point I can give myself, and maybe you can give yourself.View Thread
So, I invite you to offer your comments. Whether you are just expressing how you feel, or calling for some kind of action, you can help yourself and others by sharing it here.
If you would like to read more in detail about this topic in my The Art of Relationships blog, click here.
Dr. Becker-Phelps's discussions and her responses in those discussions are for general educational purposes only. If you need help for an emotional or behavioral problem, please seek the assistance of a psychologist or other qualified mental health professional.
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