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Here's the thing... She has done so much in these past few months that I don't know if I can even be happy anymore. Should I give her the time away she says she needs? Will that help her want to come back to me? and How can I trust that she won't be with anyone else while she is "finding herself and fixing her life"?
Someone please reply soon. I have been getting extremely depressed and I don't know hat to do.View Thread
After I'd tried to kill myself months before then, he was hundreds of miles away during my long recovery in the hospital. I did hear from him, but through his lawyer, about an unrelated matter, where he no longer wanted to pay money that he owed for my education. Maybe you won't be surprised, but when I got out of the hospital, I was looking forward to seeing him the way I usually did that time of year.
I was unemployed at the time, but he had me pay my own way (I can't remember how I did it) to travel those hundreds of miles to see him, where my stepmother was waiting to tell me she didn't think I'd really been ready to kill myself. After leaving that visit I did try once more, several months later, after which I told him we were parting ways.
I once had a dream that my stepmother resembled porn star Shy Luv, about as far from her as you can get, but funnily enough she wasn't even acting sexually in the dream, she was just a much nicer person. She and my father spent years teaching me, and I wasn't the only one, why I shouldn't expect anyone to like me, but I can tell you for sure that what they've been doing all this time is sitting at their dinner table, without friends, talking about how everyone else is worse than they are.
Even with people they did call friends, they rarely had anything to say behind their backs that wasn't completely condescending, especially that none of them had made anything of their lives. I liked those friends of theirs the most, and having drinks with their cousin Gloria from time to time, whom they couldn't say had made nothing of her life because she was Gloria Estefan, and I wish I could've seen more of her, but I had to get and stay the hell out of my father and stepmother's sphere of influence.
This is starting to feel like a very difficult time of year for me, but anyone with any kind of sense does get himself out of an abusive situation like that as long ago as I did, so it's at least one point I can give myself, and maybe you can give yourself.View Thread
So, I invite you to offer your comments. Whether you are just expressing how you feel, or calling for some kind of action, you can help yourself and others by sharing it here.
If you would like to read more in detail about this topic in my The Art of Relationships blog, click here.
Dr. Becker-Phelps's discussions and her responses in those discussions are for general educational purposes only. If you need help for an emotional or behavioral problem, please seek the assistance of a psychologist or other qualified mental health professional.
View Thread
she came from a 2 & half year relationship prior to us being a couple & i came from a 2 year single-blessedness..
we really love each other that's why we decided to get married this early in our relationship.. but still, the nervous feeling is there.. we can't eat.. we barely sleep.. i'm having stress diarrhea.. she's having gas..
we would really love to get some tips on how are we going to get through these wedding jitters and how to face the surprises marriage and married life is about to throw to us.. thanks guys!
- jView Thread
So, in closing I just said - I tell you what - after Xmas lets get together and when you are ready just call me. She agreed.
OK - think that is the end - I don't expect to hear from her - friends aren't important to her - she had told me once I was her only friend - you may remember my posts - she has a husband who is home and retired and old and just waits for her to come home and weekends are spent with him shopping, etc.
Anyway, this happens in life but I hate to lose a friend - she obviously doesn't need me in her life - she has no time for me nor desires to spend a little time with me. We do our own thing - I don't want to walk outside anymore because of weather here - it is very undependable - so work out at a fitness center instead so now we never see each other anymore and she probably doesn't need another "stressor" in her life.
Anyway, thanks for listening - feel better after sharing my frustrations and hope that is ok to post here anonymously.View Thread
Thanks in advance for your help.View Thread
She has a full-time job and I am retired now - she has an 81-year-old husband that his whole life is her - so on weekends they go shopping and apparently she doesn't need any friends - doesn't participate in anything in our community but anyway -
What should I do about gift exchange - to me, it's silly - any time I had mentioned to get together she has an excuse - even for lunch - she said her husband doesn't like eating alone.
I did buy a vase but have another friend I exchange with also whom I talk to and see a lot more. To me, it seems silly to keep this up with gift exchanging when I hardly see her although we have known each other for many years.
Do I still give to this woman - or I was thinking I will wait and see if she calls me to get together which could be a better plan. I have this vase I can always wrap but if the other friend comes over with a gift for me I can rush and wrap it while she is here and give it to her instead.
Anyway, just wanted some thoughts about this. Thank you.View Thread
He goes to see her a lot, and never tells me even when we have plans. I can always tell when he's going, and still he always beats around the bush. He says he's satisfied, but for one, he's fascinated with my own sex life, always asking if I've made plans for call girls before I travel, and after I get back how that went. According to him I had more sex in one weekend than he does in a typical month, and I hope if I ever had a girlfriend myself, I wouldn't be so fascinated with someone else's sex life. I'm uncomfortable answering some of these questions after a while. His girlfriend did cheat on him once, but I don't know what that was about. He stupidly tried to rationalize it, and I did call him a wimp for that, and unfortunately, I believe he thinks if they split up, then he has no other options. I don't want him to snap, like sometimes I think he might after more of this, but I really think he needs to get mad.
My aggression has its own misery, but it wards off other kinds of misery. I may not believe I could have a girlfriend, but at the same time, unlike him, I don't believe in being jerked around, and I won't jerk myself around. A tall leggy blonde I briefly knew offered me her number once, asking if I would keep in touch because she thought I was a really cool guy. I was excited, thinking she was cool too, and called her at some point. She seemed excited to hear from me, told me she'd call me back on a certain day, and didn't. No matter how excited I'd been, and disappointed I was, I didn't call again because there's no way I was up for playing games. For him, I don't believe his current girlfriend is the only option, and that there are probably a few women in his circle who'd be glad to go out with him.
He asked me to bail him out the other night, as her plans he'd gone along with left him without food, so I pulled up and then bought him dinner. There's also the job he hates with the people he can't stand, and the health issues I don't think he's putting much effort into, but in short, I'm tired of all his negative tirades, none of which end in him putting his foot down. I'm not a good listener, not after a certain point anyway, and he'll get upset with me for telling him how badly I think he's handling all this. I've tried encouragement though and I've offered help, which doesn't work as usual, on anybody, so I'm done with that. It's Christmas time for God's sake, but I feel the only thing I can do for both of us is lay out. Why can't he do anything better for himself and why does he just want to complain all the time?View Thread
My thoughts about this are based in the very common experience that we all have when we see a baby. A part of us softens; if not melts. Babies don't talk or perform; and even worse, they cry, need to be fed, and require their diapers to be changed. Yet, even without earning it, we intuitively recognize infants as precious. There is something about their very being. And this quality is one that continues to be with us throughout our lives.
Can you feel this? What are your struggles around it? Have there been people or circumstances that have helped to feel your value and worthiness of being loved?
(Finally, my wish for you this holiday season is that valuing yourself as special will be a natural part of your daily life.)
Dr. Becker-Phelps's discussions and her responses in those discussions are for general educational purposes only. If you need help for an emotional or behavioral problem, please seek the assistance of a psychologist or other qualified mental health professional.View Thread
I mentioned to my husband what was said and I just asked him if he can try to be a little neater and cleaner - he's really mad at me - the shower needed new caulking and my other grandson was told by his parents to NOT take a shower in there and so he used the guest shower downstairs and now everything is coming together about my husband, their grandfather - they don't like him.
His grouchiness is so upsetting to me and any time I have anything to discuss he gets angry and upset - etc - he does have high bp but I got a real good bp machine and it's under control now with good medicine.
I can't do anything about it - my granddaughter wanted to know how I met him and what I fell in love with etc - then she said "what happened?" - I'm embarrassed - People do change - but can't talk to anyone about this but here - I try talking to him about this - he complains he's this way because he had a bad childhood with an alcoholic father - he has 3 sisters and none complain like he does although I know being the only boy he had to do all the work on the farm and he did have a bad childhood. His mother was very sweet but his father made a lot of broken promises and drank a lot. But he still says he is this way because of that. When I met him I didn't see any of this. He just got worse with age and time. We've been married 42 years.
Anyway, I feel good venting to someone out there. Divorce won't work as I don't have any means to better myself. I try to do my own thing wit my girlfriends and am pretty success but then the time comes when he comes home from the farm - dirty from working real hard and beered up and grumpy. I feel I have an awful life - am 69 years old - my health is pretty good - I'm thin and joined a fitness center in the small town I live.
Anyway, if I have anything to discuss with him about anything he gets angry right away - we can't talk civil - it becomes a shouting match.
Life is short but sometimes I want to just cry and cry but don't have a clue what to do about changing this angry behavior of his.When I get really down I wish I were dead - we never have any fun at all - maybe going out to eat once in a while - and go to church together but other than that nothing.
Any suggestions would sure be appreciated. Thank you for listening to me.
No physical abuse but emotional abuse is just as bad in my eyes - can't talk with my kids - they are so busy with their lives - they know how he is but they can't do anything about it either.
Just a hopeless existence.
He has been working in the shower since he came home tonight which is good - I just went in there to see and he said "I'm sure this will never been good enough for you." I got so tired of the cracked calking I told him I was going to hire someone and he had a fit - so he comes home and is working in there all evening - scraping etc - I told him it looked good - he said nothing will ever look good enough for you.
I hate all these verbal insinuations - I had to take a tranquilizer last night as I couldn't sleep with such angry words. Why does one want to get angry every time you want to discuss anything? Can someone tell me what I can do so I don't get an angry response every time I ask something.
What am I doing wrong?View Thread
In Heat Robert De Niro quoted someone as saying, "Don't let yourself get attached to anything you are not willing to walk out on in 30 seconds flat if you feel the heat around the corner." That's how I've come to live my life over the years, which has helped me make difficult decisions that others I've known haven't had the guts to.
Still, as one example, this is what fuels resentment of my landlord and friend of almost 9 years. There's nothing wrong on the landlord end as I pay my rent, but for so long now I haven't been able to stand him. Whenever we do run into each other, which isn't often these days anyway because of both our schedules, I avoid him. I don't hate his guts, but after 9 years of friendship, including a couple years of my own resentment, it's very easy for me to ask myself what the point is, and to avoid him.
I imagine this is how I'd be with a girlfriend as well, as one thing I hate probably more than anything else is arguing, which is what talking something over is, polite arguing. Some things I believe need to be completely obvious to people, and if they're not, and we're finding ourselves in a situation where we need to "talk it over," then the relationship's probably been doomed from the start anyway.View Thread
I'm a single solitary man in a room I rent from a friend at a more than reasonable rate. On weekdays I wake up, work a blue collar job that I love, stop at the supermarket on my way home, make dinner, watch something on Netflix I can both enjoy and learn from (usually movies and shows from yesteryear), take time for sexual activity, and go to sleep. I've been working on my book for the past 2 years as well, which will take me a few more years to finish, and I devote my spare time to that, whether studying websites/books for research, or the writing itself. I don't have a car, so I walk everywhere, sometimes 10+ miles if necessary, no matter the weather, which is both because it's good physical activity and I really like doing it. My brother and I, and sometimes 1 or 2 others, play war games in a patch of woods only I know about for much more intense workout. On weekends I occasionally visit family a couple cities over. In short, I live a simple life that at least some people would tell me is boring. I don't have a college degree, and I don't have plans at this time to finish it, both because of how much money I'd have to spend with no guarantee of a job, and I'm much smarter than most who do have a degree anyway, even many who've gone so far as a doctorate.
Furthermore, I'm in my late 20s, lived in 4 countries, traveled through 12 overall, and while I'm no longer fluent in 2 of the 3 languages I was when I was a kid, I can probably get by in 4 or 5. I figured out 3 years ago (when I'd lost/hurt? these women), after 8 years of struggle, that I have bipolar disorder, specifically type II. Since figuring it out, when the Ivy League-educated doctors didn't no less, I've dedicated myself to the proper treatment. I'd never done anything too stupid over those 8 years anyway, but anyone who learns from me that I have bipolar II, especially after a couple years or so of knowing me, is surprised because the people they know with bipolar disorder seem to be potentially violent substance abusers who can't keep a job and may be in and out of jail. If the conversation calls for it, I also mention how over 8 years ago I'd tried to kill myself.
I do love my independence. Every cent I earn is mine because I don't have a family, wife, or girlfriend; don't smoke, don't do drugs, don't go for beers every weekend (I prefer the harder stuff, on a rare basis), don't drink daily coffee, don't play the lottery, and don't use a cellphone or landline. I save thousands of dollars a year as a result, and if I put my mind to it like I do everything else, I'll get that C5 Corvette. So far though I've taken myself through fast-paced adventures, back in Europe for example, involving some laughs with different interesting people and enjoying what they have to say, wonderful food, hotel rooms with incredible views through panoramic windows rather than slumming it with the hostel crowd, and delicate knocks on my door each evening from stunning call girls.
Life is better and instead I've met absolutely nobody. I might hate a relationship, but I can't help being curious, especially because I'd rather not sit here like a loser stuck in the past.View Thread
About seven months ago I discovered that my boyfriend of two years had been emailing back and forth with a chick he works with (who apparently lives in a whole other country) a lot of their emails were simply getting to know one another as two single people would, flirting and chatting about all sorts of things. Except the chain of emails that he failed to delete from his email account hidden in a folder, that contained VERY provocative photos and trashy talk back and forth….. There is a LOT of stuff that has happened since I found out seven months ago. I moved out, and then came back…we got a place together…fight non-stop about what he did…list goes on.
I do however want to just forget it. Like obviously I've "forgiven" him if I came back and am continuing our life together as we planned…But seriously like it's been seven months! And from what I know…it was only email, (and probably msn web came-but he denies that) Don't get me wrong, I think going for coffee with the opposite sex co-worker is cheating! I stand for NOTHING of any kind with the opposite sex..not family related….I may seem crazy. But I don't care! Anyways…It's been seven months, and I am literally still as bitter and everything as I was the day I found out. It doesn't seem like I've been letting go of it, or getting passed it at all. To be quite honest he and I both think that I have become bitter and more hateful toward him as time goes on…
What gets me is that I NEVER in my mind would have thought for one second that this man would do anything remotely close to that, to me. He's smart, has his head on his shoulders, mature, does everything and anything for me. Always supports me and just all round I held him on a pedestal. I just want the feeling that he gave me before I found out. Where I felt like I was the most special person in his life, the most beautiful person in the world to him…Where we were two peas in a pod, and we would be together forever! L I've tried everything to just let it go, and forget or just at least let me not show that I am bitter and angry…Nothing works long term. I'll be okay-not question him, or hate his face for a day or two, then its like BAM I hate his life again..(not really)but u get what I'm saying…I want to be with him more than anything, and I do believe deep down that he wouldn't do anything to hurt me ever again…Now how do I live my life in peace, without stressing myself out and breaking his balls with 20 questions DAILY!View Thread
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A few hours after, when I had calmed down, I asked him if we could try couple counseling and he agreed. Does anyone have any advice on if this could bring to light why he feels that he's not in love with me anymore? I know it really varies from person to person, but I just want to understand why he feels that way. Is the counseling a good idea?
In the same vein, if some of you have gone through things like this before, is there anything else that we can do to try and reignite the spark that was there? I'm trying to give him space, since that was one of his main issues with our relationship but I'd like to know if there's anything else that may help.View Thread
When I read this, my mind was clearly preoccupied with the topic of relationships because it immediately occurred to me that this might help people who struggle with unwanted thoughts of infidelity. People could throw out notes about their unfaithful thoughts and keep a paper with faithful thoughts in their pocket. Obviously this is not enough to remain faithful if you are really struggling. However, it might be a helpful tool.
If you have ever had thoughts of being unfaithful, how have you handled them? Do you imagine that this exercise might help?
For this and many other great blogs from Dr. Becker-Phelps, please visit her Art of Relationships blog.View Thread![]()
Sorry, he took my phone without me knowing.
We can not reconcile, so stop this". I have no clue what to think.. Why does she now want toText me an email me on her own feel will after ignoring me for 7 months . Is cause she really does want to be with me an now that I am showing her with real actions I want to get the issues she dislikes taken care of or is she just playin more games??? I did send her a email back which of course she ignored an didn't reply back can anyone make sense out of this?View Thread
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