It can be incredibly painful to see your partner in distress or caught in a pattern of self-destructive behaviors. And, unfortunately, it's not in your control to just fix the problem — but that doesn't mean that you can't do anything. It is often helpful to empathize with your partner's distress and show compassion while asserting the need for them to make efforts to change — and perhaps seek therapy.
If you are in this situation — or have been in this situation — what have you tried? What's been effective? And what has backfired?
If you would like to read more in detail about this topic in my The Art of Relationships blog, click here .
Dr. Becker-Phelps's discussions and her responses in those discussions are for general educational purposes only. If you need help for an emotional or behavioral problem, please seek the assistance of a psychologist or other qualified mental health professional. View Thread
Wow, Deb, you really stood up for yourself! Clearly that is not easy for you to do -- and, honestly, not easy for many, many people to do. The next important step after standing up for oneself is to learn to help yourself feel better from having felt attacked. Many people do this by speaking supportively to themselves, doing things that make them feel better, and taking in support from people who care. There is even an opportunity in this thread for you to do the first thing on this list by simply rereading what you wrote and the last thing on this list by reading the feedback from our supportive, "regular cast of characters" (Dennis, Roh).View Thread
Roh, this does sound like good progress! I often hear from couples who I treat that as treatment begins to tai effect, their arguments become less frequent, less intense, and/or last less time. Keep up the good work!
Many people find it helpful to recognize when they are being triggered and learn to excuse themselves at that point so that they can then calm down, regroup, and then re-engage in a more positive way. Just something to think about...View Thread
Hi, Dennis. As long as people don't do physical damage to themselves in their efforts, physical exercise can be wonderful for the body and soul -- but, of course, you know that. And camaraderie is yet another way to nurture a sense of well-being. This is how I hope your weekend affected you. In other words, despite the soreness, I hope you consider your weekend to have been a good one.View Thread
This isn't about being evil. It's about you feeling insecure. Generally, the best way to address insecure feelings in a relationship is to talk it through with your partner. Hopefully, he can be understanding of your struggle and work with you to resolve this issue.View Thread
Deb, I can hear how difficult this is for you. Therapists often come to mean so much to people, especially those who have struggled as you have. And, it is not unusual for people to have to try more than one therapist before they find the right one for them. So, I can understand why you would not want to take the risk again. However, you need to ask yourself where you would have been without your therapist and where you might be without a therapist moving forward. You might find it helpful to talk with your current therapist about how he will help you to find a new therapist. For instance, it sounds like he is trying to find someone good for you. Also, you might ask if you talk with him after the first session with a new therapist to help you make the transition.
People often find it helpful when meeting a new therapist to think of it like an interview for the therapist. They can ask themselves if they have a good feeling about this person before they open up too much. Maybe this approach can help you, too.View Thread
Roh, this sounds like a wonderfully helpful insight. I wish you well in taking the next steps. I also want to share a struggle that I've seen many people wrestle with in therapy. There is an important difference between having control and having influence. When people look to have control over a situation, they sometimes feel highly anxious and/or defeated when they can't make it happen because there are influences beyond their control. However, when they can focus on what they can influence, they learn to accept their limits and work with situations. The result of being able to see and accept this difference is that they are often more accepting of themselves and motivated to find a way to attain their goals. Make sense?View Thread
People often respond reflexively when a loved one pushes their "emotional buttons." And, unfortunately, their reactions sometimes hurt their loved one and damage their relationship.
Can you relate? If so, you might find it helpful to pause before you respond outwardly. Then, in that space, choose to be more curious about yourself and the other person. Have you tried to do this? If so, how has it worked? What else have you tried to change your reactivity?
If you would like to read more in detail about this topic in my posting on the Relationships blog, click here .
Dr. Becker-Phelps's discussions and her responses in those discussions are for general educational purposes only. If you need help for an emotional or behavioral problem, please seek the assistance of a psychologist or other qualified mental health View Thread