Hi Roh, I just read through this and wanted to share my experience.
When I was younger I used to be the same way as your partner. I was a slow talker/responder. The reason why was that I always wanted to not only say the right thing but say it in the right way to communicate it appropriately to the person I was speaking to!
When I met my best friend she used to laugh at me about how long it took to respond or say what I was trying to say. Now I'm able to think much faster and still communicate effectively. Probably helped bartending for awhile where it was to my benefit to have quick come backs!
Anyways, now I'm married to a man who is that way and it drives me nuts!! Talk about what comes around goes around He takes these crazy long pauses mid sentence or takes a while to respond at all. Thing is, I can relate and I really want to know what he has to say.Truthfully I find myself holding my breath and staring at him waiting!! It's not easy.
I just wondered if you've ever tried counting while she pauses? It would give time for her to speak and also for what you're about to say in response to be calmer. But, I guess I'm also wondering if you are even aware in the moment that what's happening is happening? If not, maybe just making a conscious effort to be more present while in conversation. Don't be in a hurry to make your point. Be more curious about what it is she's trying to say. GLView Thread
Um, so rereading my post I see how blunt that was... That is how I would talk to my best friend if she was in need of honest advice.
Just want you to know that I care about what happens to you. You are a really good person and it hurts me to see people like you get walked all over and take it.
Your life doesn't have to be this way, but you are the only one that can change it.
Side note: How much snow you got over there (I remember which state you're in)?? It's a blanket of white here! So beautiful (Michigan). I know people think we get a lot of snow but we really don't. This is refreshing.. Well probably cuz it's a Sunday View Thread
Hi Question, sorry your New Year started out that way. Unfortunately I think it just gives you a glimpse at yet another year with your wife:/
I've known your story for years now. My approach would be different than what the others suggest. I'm pretty sure you've tried all those things..
How about a hard core guilt trip? Starting with turning her down for sex. I know that you are not enthused about trying that and I understand why, but you have to start somewhere. When you turn her down you then tell her that you are completely turned off by her because of the way she treats you and treats sex. BUT you can't let her turn it on you that you'll never have sex again. You have to keep control of the conversation. Let her know that you're not sure you can go on being married like this. She needs to choose to be your wife. Your marriage is a two way street and she needs to become a part of it. You need more from her than this horrible mercy sex. Let her know it disgusts you. Make her feel bad.
You say your marriage is good now outside of the bedroom and I can't help but wonder if it's only very tolerable now. I don't think things have changed from your past posts. I'm more likely to believe you've become more tolerant of her behaviors. She takes you for granted and she knows you're a weak partner and that's why she treats you this way (it's easy to).
You want respect and change then you need to be willing to stand up for yourself. Maybe you need to at least consider divorce or leaving as an option. Because honestly the other option is to be in a loveless sexless marriage for the rest of your life. How is that ok? Why would that be ok? Why would you let yourself spend so many years unhappy just because things are tolerable or you're scared of the unknown or being single again? Life is too short. Look how fast the first half went!
Eventually you are going to be empty nesters. Then what? What do you think is going to happen then? YOU are the only one responsible for how your life turns out.
My parents divorced after 23 years. It's a long time but it's not everything. It's a chapter of life. Maybe your marriage doesn't need to end but I believe it's at a point that that needs to be an option. I don't think there's much else that your wife is going to take seriously. Maybe what you're scared of is finding out that she doesn't care.. Not saying she does or doesn't but that that is an honest fear for all of us.
How about let this be a New Year of New Beginnings?View Thread
I don't think you should bring any of that up when she calls. You should keep your conversation positive. Save that talk for another day. Be thankful, grateful, and happy. Ask about her and her children, but ask specific questions and not just general ones. She's calling you for your birthday! If you get on her or turn the conversation negative then she's gonna get off the phone with you and think she can't even call you on your birthday and have a good talk. Call her back in a few days with your concerns.
Basically if you only talk a handful of times a year and each time you talk you're being pessimistic that's going to push her farther away. Please don't read this and only take from it that I said you were being pessimistic. It's about her perception. If what you say is perceived by her as pessimistic then that's what she'll take from the conversation. Perception is reality.
How about Monday just have a relaxed loving talk with her on the phone. Make her smile to talk to you. Tell her some happy stuff about your life or your birthday weekend. Maybe bring up a happy memory. Ask very specific questions about her and what she's doing. If she skates around your questions save it for another day.
I completely agree with what the others said and would like to add that I get the feeling you could have a stalker on your hands. It seems as though he has the hots for you. This whole scenario is creepy. I'm curious how or why you are friends with him on facebook, but I suppose it doesn't matter for your purpose here.
You should keep an eye out for things happening around you. Watch your rear view mirror, and look around before entering your home. How much he and your mom talk about you should also be very telling.
It's too bad she's falling for this and allowing it to happen.View Thread
They've been married 14 years and I can't remember once hearing him say the word "sexy"
It would've been nice if that was the case and my mom was able to just tell me that..
And it has been explained to him that it's not appropriate or acceptable.
Thank you for trying to come up with something. I tried to consider maybe it was his upbringing. It doesn't really fit though. And now his reaction to it all just reaffirms our initial gut feelings.View Thread
Dennis, I'm very sorry to hear about your dad. I'm glad you have some level of peace with it now. As sad as they are funerals can be a nice time to rejoice in someone's life and to catch up with loved ones. I always like to hear other people's memories of someone. Things you didn't know about or things you forgot that happened. I personally think that's all easier when someone was able to have lived a full life such as your father.
Dr. Leslie, do you have any thoughts or suggestions on any of this? I'd really appreciate hearing from you.
Also, thank you very much Roh and anon for your responses. They have been helpful.
I really tried hard to think of any other way he could have meant it before I went to my mom. I think I tried more than he deserved. I just don't get how that word applies to a child. Even those little Tots n Tiaras or whatever that show is where the little girls are dressed like women with a bunch of make-up. "Sexy" is not a word that comes to my mind when I see them.
Those are the only 2X. Once, in person, @ 1 y/o. Then now via text @ 5 y/o. But like I said, they live far away so he hasn't been around her and the opportunity to make comments (at least comments we know about) aren't common.
It does help to talk about it here for now. I was on the verge of telling my mom off a couple days ago. Still could happen but I think it would be more constructive now.
So yeah, that's the general plan. Move on but keep an eye out. The little girl doesn't live anywhere near him. First time it was when she was 1 y/o. He said "wow she's sexy". Now in response to a text message picture he said "is that sexy or what".
I went to my mother with concern with the matter (it's her husband). I let her know we were just concerned. There were no accusations! Really it took a lot to even have that conversation. There was a lot of thought put into what he could've meant by it and should I bring it up at all.
My problem now -- I'm being wrote off and not spoken to anymore for insinuating that he's a pervert.. That wasn't my intention and I didn't feel as if that's what I did either.
I mean it is what it is. I told her I wasn't looking to hurt her or her relationship.
I'm angry how they are responding. And it makes everything seem worse how angry he is.
It pisses me off that I'm being wrote off for bringing up a legitimate concern for her grandchild. She's ok with dismissing me and my family, her daughter and grandchildren because I came to her as an adult and had a heartfelt conversation about that concern.
I don't know what else to say. I'm angry. I'm sure it'll all blow up with us at some point. They can't just disappear forever.View Thread