I just wanted to let you know that when you are done typing your response to someone just press CTRL A (which will 'select all') and then CTRL C (which will 'copy' your response). This way if your response disappears all you have to do is 'paste' your response in a new reply. Which to do that just 'right click' and select 'paste'. This site has done that for years so I always try to cover by behind by doing that! Too much thought goes into responding to just lose it!!
Hi there, I think I have memory of your posts about this friendship and I'd like to offer a possible new perspective. I don't know, just my thoughts. From what my memory is giving me her husband is older, relies on her a lot, and maybe isn't in the best health? Maybe she's just embracing this time with him. I think of what it might be like towards the end of my lifetime and that it could be so frightening to think of losing my husband and best friend. And regardless of his health, the truth is there's a real possibility she will lose him and need a friend. That friend will probably be you. I hope you have it in you to embrace her then.
I know you say you don't think of her and even though you probably don't put your energy into worrying about her you DO still think about her. You care about her and your friendship. You shouldn't feel bad about that. She's important to you. It's not a weakness to reach out and let her know that. Life is too short. Maybe she's sitting at home wondering why she hasn't heard from you. Wondering if you're mad at her.
I'm in my late 30's and I don't have the drive and energy that you have! Ironically I do have friends like you though. Friends that get up and go all the time! Sometimes it takes a push from myself to contact them, feeling as though I'm interrupting them because they're so busy. But I do know they appreciate it and I make that decision. What I'm saying is maybe she has a hard time making that call. And maybe sometimes it's just hard for her to get away from her husband.
I don't think you should be upset with time gone by because time just goes by sometimes and we don't mean for it to but it still does. Why not reach out to her? Why not be vulnerable and find out if there is a friendship to be salvaged here?
If you were always the giver and she always the receiver and then one day you got tired of it it's not necessarily her fault. She got used to it just as you did. Now that you want things to be different the next step would be to communicate that to her and with specifics. The other thing is that we all have hang ups in life and maybe hers is this. Maybe she has a hard time being that person that instigates get togethers with others (but still enjoys the time with others). If so, then you decide if that's her down fall if you're willing to accept that as a fault of hers and move forward or if that is a deal breaker for you and you need to let her go.View Thread
It sounds like you two never discussed what her staying home was going to entail. But then you both had assumptions as to what it would mean. Now you're butting heads about it.
My personal opinion is that husband thinks that wife is his personal maid. He says Yeah she's working on getting her Masters but... like it's no big thing. It's a very big thing and exhausting.
Husband, do you want to be right or do you want to be happy?? Your #1 complaint that you don't want to use the key is almost childish BUT the answer is sooo simple that it makes me question your motives. Just. use. your. key. That's it. Simple. Problem solved.
#2 (both of your #2) if everyone would always pick up after themselves the world would be a happier place! Hang up your towel, pick up dirty clothes, rinse your dishes - she's your wife, not your mother.
Hiding your income from your wife is another power trip your pulling on her and it's rude and not fair at all. You are married. This is a union that you are in together. You should be partners, you are on the same team. Work together NOT against each other.
Have you never heard the saying "Happy wife, happy life"? It doesn't mean you have to bow down and make yourself uncomfortable. It means these little complaints you have that you could spend 2 seconds fixing are worth fixing if it makes her happy because in turn she will want to do things for you to make you happy and then a circle of happiness ensues!
For the record, I am a house wife. This works for my husband and I. It's definitely not for everyone.
Your wife is working on getting her Masters which means she's not always going to be staying at home, so then what? You two need to sit down and discuss expectations and really LISTEN to each other and then decide what you're willing to give and take. Like maybe she's willing to answer the door when you come home if you're willing to clean up the kitchen after dinner.
You are a team. Work together and your lives will go so much smoother you'll wonder what the heck you'd been doing all this time arguing.
I seem to think that it's not just "something" you're looking for, but more of a deep connection. I bet you could be busy most of the day and still have that empty feeling.
It would be nice if you could find that with your husband. Find something new you both enjoy together or go help on the farm. But, I'm guessing after all these years you probably know what you do and don't like about the farm...still maybe worth another look?
So thinking about finding a deep connection makes me think of two categories: children & animals. Can you help out with disabled children somewhere? I imagine that would have to be a fulfilling experience. It would create deep connections with wonderful people and probably be tiring too.
Could you get a dog? Or even help out at an animal shelter? A dog does need most of your time and the bond created with one is pretty special. Plus, I'm sure your grandson would happy if you got a dog
Hi Roh, I just read through this and wanted to share my experience.
When I was younger I used to be the same way as your partner. I was a slow talker/responder. The reason why was that I always wanted to not only say the right thing but say it in the right way to communicate it appropriately to the person I was speaking to!
When I met my best friend she used to laugh at me about how long it took to respond or say what I was trying to say. Now I'm able to think much faster and still communicate effectively. Probably helped bartending for awhile where it was to my benefit to have quick come backs!
Anyways, now I'm married to a man who is that way and it drives me nuts!! Talk about what comes around goes around He takes these crazy long pauses mid sentence or takes a while to respond at all. Thing is, I can relate and I really want to know what he has to say.Truthfully I find myself holding my breath and staring at him waiting!! It's not easy.
I just wondered if you've ever tried counting while she pauses? It would give time for her to speak and also for what you're about to say in response to be calmer. But, I guess I'm also wondering if you are even aware in the moment that what's happening is happening? If not, maybe just making a conscious effort to be more present while in conversation. Don't be in a hurry to make your point. Be more curious about what it is she's trying to say. GLView Thread
Um, so rereading my post I see how blunt that was... That is how I would talk to my best friend if she was in need of honest advice.
Just want you to know that I care about what happens to you. You are a really good person and it hurts me to see people like you get walked all over and take it.
Your life doesn't have to be this way, but you are the only one that can change it.
Side note: How much snow you got over there (I remember which state you're in)?? It's a blanket of white here! So beautiful (Michigan). I know people think we get a lot of snow but we really don't. This is refreshing.. Well probably cuz it's a Sunday View Thread
Hi Question, sorry your New Year started out that way. Unfortunately I think it just gives you a glimpse at yet another year with your wife:/
I've known your story for years now. My approach would be different than what the others suggest. I'm pretty sure you've tried all those things..
How about a hard core guilt trip? Starting with turning her down for sex. I know that you are not enthused about trying that and I understand why, but you have to start somewhere. When you turn her down you then tell her that you are completely turned off by her because of the way she treats you and treats sex. BUT you can't let her turn it on you that you'll never have sex again. You have to keep control of the conversation. Let her know that you're not sure you can go on being married like this. She needs to choose to be your wife. Your marriage is a two way street and she needs to become a part of it. You need more from her than this horrible mercy sex. Let her know it disgusts you. Make her feel bad.
You say your marriage is good now outside of the bedroom and I can't help but wonder if it's only very tolerable now. I don't think things have changed from your past posts. I'm more likely to believe you've become more tolerant of her behaviors. She takes you for granted and she knows you're a weak partner and that's why she treats you this way (it's easy to).
You want respect and change then you need to be willing to stand up for yourself. Maybe you need to at least consider divorce or leaving as an option. Because honestly the other option is to be in a loveless sexless marriage for the rest of your life. How is that ok? Why would that be ok? Why would you let yourself spend so many years unhappy just because things are tolerable or you're scared of the unknown or being single again? Life is too short. Look how fast the first half went!
Eventually you are going to be empty nesters. Then what? What do you think is going to happen then? YOU are the only one responsible for how your life turns out.
My parents divorced after 23 years. It's a long time but it's not everything. It's a chapter of life. Maybe your marriage doesn't need to end but I believe it's at a point that that needs to be an option. I don't think there's much else that your wife is going to take seriously. Maybe what you're scared of is finding out that she doesn't care.. Not saying she does or doesn't but that that is an honest fear for all of us.
How about let this be a New Year of New Beginnings?View Thread
I don't think you should bring any of that up when she calls. You should keep your conversation positive. Save that talk for another day. Be thankful, grateful, and happy. Ask about her and her children, but ask specific questions and not just general ones. She's calling you for your birthday! If you get on her or turn the conversation negative then she's gonna get off the phone with you and think she can't even call you on your birthday and have a good talk. Call her back in a few days with your concerns.
Basically if you only talk a handful of times a year and each time you talk you're being pessimistic that's going to push her farther away. Please don't read this and only take from it that I said you were being pessimistic. It's about her perception. If what you say is perceived by her as pessimistic then that's what she'll take from the conversation. Perception is reality.
How about Monday just have a relaxed loving talk with her on the phone. Make her smile to talk to you. Tell her some happy stuff about your life or your birthday weekend. Maybe bring up a happy memory. Ask very specific questions about her and what she's doing. If she skates around your questions save it for another day.
I completely agree with what the others said and would like to add that I get the feeling you could have a stalker on your hands. It seems as though he has the hots for you. This whole scenario is creepy. I'm curious how or why you are friends with him on facebook, but I suppose it doesn't matter for your purpose here.
You should keep an eye out for things happening around you. Watch your rear view mirror, and look around before entering your home. How much he and your mom talk about you should also be very telling.
It's too bad she's falling for this and allowing it to happen.View Thread