Lol, I am a woman. First time I've been referred to as a man here.
I just want to say that I've yet to see where you've taken any accountability here.
By choosing to step out on your husband you've made yourself as terrible of a wife as he's been a husband. And now when it all does blow up (cuz it will) it's all going to be considered your fault. He won't have to acknowledge his part because "you cheated".
And again, why does any of this make it okay to take another woman's husband??? She didn't have any part in your husband treating you badly. She's the reason this will blow up. Unless she's turning a blind eye she will find out and she will tell your husband.
You can be happy. The real kind of happy. Right now you choose to take the easy/feel good way out. You could take control of your own life and make responsible decisions, but you've chosen not to.
That's really all I have to say to you. You're obviously happy and alright with what you're doing. It's too bad you don't want more out of life. I don't agree with your choices and I think you should've earned your way out of your marriage. Now your marriage is going to end anyways and you'll be the one to blame because you cheated. I think you're husband should have to acknowledge his part in all of it, but he won't have to because you cheated. Do you get where I'm going with this?
Now I want to elaborate on what I really meant when I said you're just pissed off at your wife. I said it because I don't believe that you are the cheating type and I don't think you'd have so much understanding for what's happening here if it wasn't for the anger, resentment, and frustration you have built up right now.
Of course I don't know what's going on with your wife, but I think you're maybe blowing over the miscarriages too easily. I've never had a miscarriage, but I'm a very nurturing woman and I could see something like that really breaking me as a person. Again, I don't know her or how she is. She sounds depressed and possibly with good reason. She's just shut down.
Try to think of what her self talk might be like. She may feel like a failure or that her body is failing her. You two want a child and she can't do it. Part of self talk sometimes fills in what others may be thinking of you. She may feel like less of a woman, like a not good enough wife. Maybe she can't give thought to what you want because she doesn't feel capable. Maybe she knows that she's not giving you what you want and need and that's just circling around and reaffirming her self talk of not being capable or good enough.
This is all speculation because I have no idea what happened, how far along she was, or how you two handled it all. Maybe go to her with empathy. Talk about what's happened. Just get back to basics. Let her know it's ok and you love her. Maybe you have, but for how strongly I feel your resentment on here I can only imagine how bad it might be at home.
Another thing I don't get with you is you're not only thinking about buying a house together, but going to go thru with it all until you come to this "come to Jesus" moment. WHY? Why would you go on with life like this waiting to react when all along you could be acting? Why not bring it all to a head yourself? Tell her Hey, I'm not going to take these steps forward in our lives until we can resolve what's happening right now.
Do you understand how close you both are to being in this OP's situation? Do you get it that you're to the point that it would be good to hear that your wife was having an affair because you would at least have an answer then? That's not a good place to be. You have the power to make things happen. It is only hurting you and your marriage to sit around and wait to react to whatever she might come up with.
Whether it's about the miscarriage or not, there is a break down in your marriage and it's not going to get better without action. Be the hero to your marriage. Step up and say it's time for things to change. I can only guess she's not truly happy either. No spouse could be truly happy when the other spouse is so miserable.View Thread
Honestly I was trying to spark empathy within you through various situations. However, I did not take the time to write my thoughts out as thoroughly as I should have to get you to understand without coming across as crude. Sorry for that.
You have wrote quite a bit about your relationship on these boards and I've paid attention. I think I've not offered advice to you because I feel that you are mostly venting, and I don't think you're really at a point to make changes in your life. Just an observation, not trying to be mean in any sense. And to save you the time -- I know you didn't ask for my advice.
My guess at your character is that you are always the smartest guy in the room. Therefore there's not much I or anyone else can say to you that you won't shoot down.
Dude, your pissed off at your wife. Your wife has checked out sexually. How would you feel if you found out it was because she was having an affair? Say, because you wouldn't communicate or have compassion for what she's went through.
I'm not saying that's happening at all. But maybe you should take a step back and look at it differently. Almost sounds like you'd like to be able to do the same thing.
Turning AWAY from your marriage is never the answer to saving your marriage.View Thread
Your husband is responsible and at fault for the breakdown of your marriage, this DOES NOT make him at fault at all for your CHOICE to step outside your marriage.
As far as your self righteous sad story, how does that make it alright for you to interfere with another family? Don't get me wrong, I sympathize with what you've went through. I just don't believe your ends justify your means.
You and this man are now responsible for tearing apart two families. I would love to believe that there are no children in all this, but doubt it seriously. I'm guessing that's one of the reasons that your both staying married and stepping out.
If your husband has checked out to such an extreme why are you still together? Why have you not told him how serious this is? Why do you think he would be devastated if he is so cold and checked out on you?View Thread
Hey Dennis, I agree with FCL. My husband and I have barely spoken of the past. I definitely have things I wouldn't want to tell him (but at the same time wouldn't lie about either). The big picture is that every bit of what is in my past has created the person I am today so it doesn't matter if it was good or bad at the time. I learned, I grew.
I also wanted to add that when you make it a point to bring things up that what you're doing is making your past the present. So even though it was a big part of your life that you had a drinking problem, it's in your past and you learned from it. You don't need to prove that to anyone. And when you bring it up it probably seems like it is still an issue for you.
When the time is right and you're with someone who has earned the right to hear what you struggled with in the past and already knows it's not a part of your present, then decide if you want to let them know what you've been through. You've been through a LOT. You were young and the way you handled it is just that, the way you handled it. If you've truly forgiven yourself then let yourself let it go.
When you meet someone you want to know who they are, not who they once were. And being an alcoholic, a drug user, and a survivor made you a very different person back then. It's a part of who you are now but it does not define you now.
You're an awesome person Dennis! Here and now, you are you and good things will happen View Thread
To add to what Roh said about it being forbidden: When you're with the other person you don't have to deal with any of your daily life problems. You don't have to worry about money, or the kids, or reality. It's so wonderful to you because it's fantasy.
It seems so easy for you to pass the blame to your husband. Truth is this was your CHOICE and yours alone. It's really sad to think of all the people that you two will be hurting when this all blows up in your face. But it's just so fun right? Sad.View Thread
I can really relate to your thoughts. And being consumed by them and wanting some sort of answer or response in any direction!
I'm trying to keep in perspective that what you are saying about your relationship is being said at a "down" time and focused on the negative, but I can't help but wonder those typical questions: Why are you with him? Why are you getting married? Even though a year seems like a long time it really isn't. It's hardly enough time to really start to see someone's true self and bad behaviors.
Have you two considered premarital counseling? We had some with the Pastor that married us and his wife. We weren't active in the church either. But what we learned was very valuable. It wasn't necessarily about specific things happening in our lives. It was more about what we both wanted from a marriage, what value we put on marriage, and things like that. But the other thing about it was that a lot of stuff was questions he had us write answers to but the answers were for us. He wasn't discussing what was right or wrong but that what we wrote was our feelings about things and a chance to see that perspective (and expectations) about each other.
Never assume your expectations are known.
I know these are things that you would want from him by what you wrote. I don't think you're wrong for wanting answers about these questions either. I suppose it's possible some of it has been about your approach to the subject(s), but that doesn't make you responsible for his failure to communicate back with you.
I hope you're able to get somewhere with your counselor and that venting on here helped get some of it off your chest until then.
I want to say though that it's never too late and you're NEVER in too deep. It's not only not wrong to be questioning your future and what you're doing, but very healthy and in your best interest to have a healthy future.
I really hope you are not getting married anytime too soon. You have some bumps to smooth out before you make that kind of commitment with someone.
Remember that what you want out of a relationship is never too much to ask! You deserve your expectations of a partner to be made.View Thread
Good to hear back from you! You know, I think the answer to the taboo part is exactly related to your response: "You made me cry". I believe people don't want to be responsible for making someone else cry, or just reliving something that makes them cry at a time that they aren't expecting it. Know what I mean? I guess I took it upon myself to believe that it's ok, if not good, to revisit those thoughts and have another good cry once in awhile. The more taboo part being I invoked that in you instead of you creating your own scenario.
Thank you for the stories! It makes me smile to hear you speak of Joe, and to know what an awesome person he was. Anyone is blessed to be any part of the life of a person like Joe!
I'm so happy to hear that you are still in touch with his daughters. I think that's wonderful. You carry a part of Joe with you (as do they), and even though I think that's a healthy reason for you to be around them it's also a reason some people disconnect themselves from certain people after someone has passed. And don't worry, his daughter will come around to joining you at the cemetery when she's ready.
As for me, things have been going very well. Actually to the point that I feel guilty and don't really share much. My best friend has been going through some of the hardest trials of her life right now and I'm 100's of miles away. It makes it all very hard for me to be helpful. But I digress.
So I'm sure you've heard before how important communication is in a relationship? It's true and it honestly pertains to all types of relationships we encounter.
It will be much healthier for you to start this conversation with her than to sit back and potentially over analyze the situation. You are already ready to throw in the towel and accept the worst possible scenario without considering other possibilities. It actually seems like you might have her just as confused as she has you. Ever thought of that?
I understand that people who've faced rejection can sometimes embrace future rejections before they happen or choose to create their own rejection before it happens. You need to determine if you fall into either one of those categories and if so make a choice to not continue such a pattern.
My suggestion to you is, Ask her. Even in relationships where people are already together, we ask. Because the only true way to know the answer to any question is to ask it. Assumptions are only going to haunt you.
This is one thing I've told my teenage son. Never assume someone is your girlfriend. You have to ask. You have to establish that together. You cannot assume that you are in an exclusive relationship if that's not been discussed. Maybe once upon a time, but not nowadays.
And remember this: F - fantasized E - expectations A - appearing R - real
Don't give fear power it doesn't deserve. You want to know what's going on with this girl, ask her. And then discuss what you both want or where you see it going. Even if the answer is not what you want to hear it will still be an answer and you will know whether or not to continue to give her your time and energy in the fashion that you've been so far.