Please get rid of the anger towards her "being a stupid kid". I'm sure she is angry enough with herself by the way it sounds.
I agree the man is a pervert and yes it was rape. A 15 y/o is a child and there are statutory (sp?) rape laws for a reason.
Given all the details here, I think the sad part is that there was no one in her life to protect her. Someone should've been there for her so that that man wouldn't have had access to her.
You also need to be honest with yourself and how you really feel about all this. First you say you're not angry with her and then you say you are.
Talk it out. Come to grips. And move on. Either you can do that or not. It's nothing you or her can change and if it's going to stay under your skin then it's probably best for you to move on from this relationship.View Thread
It sounds like your lawyer has a good plan. You'll have to just be patient with that part I guess. It's hard to believe with you being in the military there isn't some added protection from him blatantly taking advantage of the POA. However that is why its so important to understand what that means and to never hand over your power of attorney to just anyone. But what's done is done there.
You're asking for help with dealing with the whole ordeal emotionally and I think I at least have an idea. GET MAD! You talk on and on about no animosity and not being mad at him, but in this case I think that's unhealthy of you. It's like losing a loved one and not grieving. Thinking you're just going to continue on and skip that part. It doesn't work.
Maybe its not in your nature to be upset and maybe you understand that because of your trust he was able to do this and maybe in hindsight you should've known... IT DOESN'T MATTER!
What he did was wrong, hurtful, vindictive, lazy, cruel, and pure B.S. The proper emotion for you is to be pissed off. I think you have the right and need to be.
Now it's how you handle being angry that's important and what you do next, but you don't get to just skip it. Call him up and tell him off (never leave a message telling him off!).
Remember he's doing this because he can. It's ridiculous that there's people like that in this world and I'm sorry you had to cross paths with one of them. They are good at finding "nice" people like you.
So get mad and move on. You have to go through the proper emotions though in order to truly find forgiveness. GLView Thread
It sounds like going through all this has only brought this issue to the surface and isn't the cause of the issue.
Being mad at your spouse and feeling as though your better off without them are on two different ends of the spectrum for me. Those are harsh and strong words that I would tend to believe have more meaning behind them than being upset. Especially since he feels the need to bring it up at a time when you need him to be there for you and be kind and loving. Where's the compassion and empathy?
Is it possible for you two to go to counseling? I would think that's your best option right now. You need to get to the root of this and see what your next steps should be.View Thread
Lol, I am a woman. First time I've been referred to as a man here.
I just want to say that I've yet to see where you've taken any accountability here.
By choosing to step out on your husband you've made yourself as terrible of a wife as he's been a husband. And now when it all does blow up (cuz it will) it's all going to be considered your fault. He won't have to acknowledge his part because "you cheated".
And again, why does any of this make it okay to take another woman's husband??? She didn't have any part in your husband treating you badly. She's the reason this will blow up. Unless she's turning a blind eye she will find out and she will tell your husband.
You can be happy. The real kind of happy. Right now you choose to take the easy/feel good way out. You could take control of your own life and make responsible decisions, but you've chosen not to.
That's really all I have to say to you. You're obviously happy and alright with what you're doing. It's too bad you don't want more out of life. I don't agree with your choices and I think you should've earned your way out of your marriage. Now your marriage is going to end anyways and you'll be the one to blame because you cheated. I think you're husband should have to acknowledge his part in all of it, but he won't have to because you cheated. Do you get where I'm going with this?
Now I want to elaborate on what I really meant when I said you're just pissed off at your wife. I said it because I don't believe that you are the cheating type and I don't think you'd have so much understanding for what's happening here if it wasn't for the anger, resentment, and frustration you have built up right now.
Of course I don't know what's going on with your wife, but I think you're maybe blowing over the miscarriages too easily. I've never had a miscarriage, but I'm a very nurturing woman and I could see something like that really breaking me as a person. Again, I don't know her or how she is. She sounds depressed and possibly with good reason. She's just shut down.
Try to think of what her self talk might be like. She may feel like a failure or that her body is failing her. You two want a child and she can't do it. Part of self talk sometimes fills in what others may be thinking of you. She may feel like less of a woman, like a not good enough wife. Maybe she can't give thought to what you want because she doesn't feel capable. Maybe she knows that she's not giving you what you want and need and that's just circling around and reaffirming her self talk of not being capable or good enough.
This is all speculation because I have no idea what happened, how far along she was, or how you two handled it all. Maybe go to her with empathy. Talk about what's happened. Just get back to basics. Let her know it's ok and you love her. Maybe you have, but for how strongly I feel your resentment on here I can only imagine how bad it might be at home.
Another thing I don't get with you is you're not only thinking about buying a house together, but going to go thru with it all until you come to this "come to Jesus" moment. WHY? Why would you go on with life like this waiting to react when all along you could be acting? Why not bring it all to a head yourself? Tell her Hey, I'm not going to take these steps forward in our lives until we can resolve what's happening right now.
Do you understand how close you both are to being in this OP's situation? Do you get it that you're to the point that it would be good to hear that your wife was having an affair because you would at least have an answer then? That's not a good place to be. You have the power to make things happen. It is only hurting you and your marriage to sit around and wait to react to whatever she might come up with.
Whether it's about the miscarriage or not, there is a break down in your marriage and it's not going to get better without action. Be the hero to your marriage. Step up and say it's time for things to change. I can only guess she's not truly happy either. No spouse could be truly happy when the other spouse is so miserable.View Thread
Honestly I was trying to spark empathy within you through various situations. However, I did not take the time to write my thoughts out as thoroughly as I should have to get you to understand without coming across as crude. Sorry for that.
You have wrote quite a bit about your relationship on these boards and I've paid attention. I think I've not offered advice to you because I feel that you are mostly venting, and I don't think you're really at a point to make changes in your life. Just an observation, not trying to be mean in any sense. And to save you the time -- I know you didn't ask for my advice.
My guess at your character is that you are always the smartest guy in the room. Therefore there's not much I or anyone else can say to you that you won't shoot down.
Dude, your pissed off at your wife. Your wife has checked out sexually. How would you feel if you found out it was because she was having an affair? Say, because you wouldn't communicate or have compassion for what she's went through.
I'm not saying that's happening at all. But maybe you should take a step back and look at it differently. Almost sounds like you'd like to be able to do the same thing.
Turning AWAY from your marriage is never the answer to saving your marriage.View Thread
Your husband is responsible and at fault for the breakdown of your marriage, this DOES NOT make him at fault at all for your CHOICE to step outside your marriage.
As far as your self righteous sad story, how does that make it alright for you to interfere with another family? Don't get me wrong, I sympathize with what you've went through. I just don't believe your ends justify your means.
You and this man are now responsible for tearing apart two families. I would love to believe that there are no children in all this, but doubt it seriously. I'm guessing that's one of the reasons that your both staying married and stepping out.
If your husband has checked out to such an extreme why are you still together? Why have you not told him how serious this is? Why do you think he would be devastated if he is so cold and checked out on you?View Thread
Hey Dennis, I agree with FCL. My husband and I have barely spoken of the past. I definitely have things I wouldn't want to tell him (but at the same time wouldn't lie about either). The big picture is that every bit of what is in my past has created the person I am today so it doesn't matter if it was good or bad at the time. I learned, I grew.
I also wanted to add that when you make it a point to bring things up that what you're doing is making your past the present. So even though it was a big part of your life that you had a drinking problem, it's in your past and you learned from it. You don't need to prove that to anyone. And when you bring it up it probably seems like it is still an issue for you.
When the time is right and you're with someone who has earned the right to hear what you struggled with in the past and already knows it's not a part of your present, then decide if you want to let them know what you've been through. You've been through a LOT. You were young and the way you handled it is just that, the way you handled it. If you've truly forgiven yourself then let yourself let it go.
When you meet someone you want to know who they are, not who they once were. And being an alcoholic, a drug user, and a survivor made you a very different person back then. It's a part of who you are now but it does not define you now.
You're an awesome person Dennis! Here and now, you are you and good things will happen View Thread
To add to what Roh said about it being forbidden: When you're with the other person you don't have to deal with any of your daily life problems. You don't have to worry about money, or the kids, or reality. It's so wonderful to you because it's fantasy.
It seems so easy for you to pass the blame to your husband. Truth is this was your CHOICE and yours alone. It's really sad to think of all the people that you two will be hurting when this all blows up in your face. But it's just so fun right? Sad.View Thread