I can really relate to your thoughts. And being consumed by them and wanting some sort of answer or response in any direction!
I'm trying to keep in perspective that what you are saying about your relationship is being said at a "down" time and focused on the negative, but I can't help but wonder those typical questions: Why are you with him? Why are you getting married? Even though a year seems like a long time it really isn't. It's hardly enough time to really start to see someone's true self and bad behaviors.
Have you two considered premarital counseling? We had some with the Pastor that married us and his wife. We weren't active in the church either. But what we learned was very valuable. It wasn't necessarily about specific things happening in our lives. It was more about what we both wanted from a marriage, what value we put on marriage, and things like that. But the other thing about it was that a lot of stuff was questions he had us write answers to but the answers were for us. He wasn't discussing what was right or wrong but that what we wrote was our feelings about things and a chance to see that perspective (and expectations) about each other.
Never assume your expectations are known.
I know these are things that you would want from him by what you wrote. I don't think you're wrong for wanting answers about these questions either. I suppose it's possible some of it has been about your approach to the subject(s), but that doesn't make you responsible for his failure to communicate back with you.
I hope you're able to get somewhere with your counselor and that venting on here helped get some of it off your chest until then.
I want to say though that it's never too late and you're NEVER in too deep. It's not only not wrong to be questioning your future and what you're doing, but very healthy and in your best interest to have a healthy future.
I really hope you are not getting married anytime too soon. You have some bumps to smooth out before you make that kind of commitment with someone.
Remember that what you want out of a relationship is never too much to ask! You deserve your expectations of a partner to be made.View Thread
Good to hear back from you! You know, I think the answer to the taboo part is exactly related to your response: "You made me cry". I believe people don't want to be responsible for making someone else cry, or just reliving something that makes them cry at a time that they aren't expecting it. Know what I mean? I guess I took it upon myself to believe that it's ok, if not good, to revisit those thoughts and have another good cry once in awhile. The more taboo part being I invoked that in you instead of you creating your own scenario.
Thank you for the stories! It makes me smile to hear you speak of Joe, and to know what an awesome person he was. Anyone is blessed to be any part of the life of a person like Joe!
I'm so happy to hear that you are still in touch with his daughters. I think that's wonderful. You carry a part of Joe with you (as do they), and even though I think that's a healthy reason for you to be around them it's also a reason some people disconnect themselves from certain people after someone has passed. And don't worry, his daughter will come around to joining you at the cemetery when she's ready.
As for me, things have been going very well. Actually to the point that I feel guilty and don't really share much. My best friend has been going through some of the hardest trials of her life right now and I'm 100's of miles away. It makes it all very hard for me to be helpful. But I digress.
So I'm sure you've heard before how important communication is in a relationship? It's true and it honestly pertains to all types of relationships we encounter.
It will be much healthier for you to start this conversation with her than to sit back and potentially over analyze the situation. You are already ready to throw in the towel and accept the worst possible scenario without considering other possibilities. It actually seems like you might have her just as confused as she has you. Ever thought of that?
I understand that people who've faced rejection can sometimes embrace future rejections before they happen or choose to create their own rejection before it happens. You need to determine if you fall into either one of those categories and if so make a choice to not continue such a pattern.
My suggestion to you is, Ask her. Even in relationships where people are already together, we ask. Because the only true way to know the answer to any question is to ask it. Assumptions are only going to haunt you.
This is one thing I've told my teenage son. Never assume someone is your girlfriend. You have to ask. You have to establish that together. You cannot assume that you are in an exclusive relationship if that's not been discussed. Maybe once upon a time, but not nowadays.
And remember this: F - fantasized E - expectations A - appearing R - real
Don't give fear power it doesn't deserve. You want to know what's going on with this girl, ask her. And then discuss what you both want or where you see it going. Even if the answer is not what you want to hear it will still be an answer and you will know whether or not to continue to give her your time and energy in the fashion that you've been so far.
I've debated on whether or not to post this for awhile but here it goes..
How have you been handling Joe being gone? Have you been in touch with his daughters at all? Did things manage to go smoothly as possible afterwards with his daughters?
I just want you to know that I still think about you two. Maybe you can tell us a happy memory/story about you and Joe? I'd love to hear one.
Here's why I had the strength to ask: an ex boyfriend of mine had a dog that he LOVED. If you've ever had a pet like that then you understand. Anyhow, the dog got hit by a car and died. As time passed I would bring up the dog and things it would do and such. It really had a powerful impact on me when one day the ex very sincerely thanked me for talking so openly about his dog, his friend he loved so much. He said other people seemed afraid to talk about him and acted like he never existed and that bothered him.
So, not to in any way relate Joe to a dog, I've been thinking of him and you and wonder if your loss has been being treated the same way. We definitely shy-ed away from bringing it up on this board. I think mostly because this is where people can come and talk about what THEY want to talk about, so we wait. But I also know you don't have a lot of people you are close to in your regular life so it seems more likely to me that people wouldn't bring him up to you.
So gosh, I really hope this all came out the best way possible and that you receive it in the context I'm trying to send it in!
And please, since we're here now anyways, can you share a story about your very best friend?
First, I want to tell you that as a woman I completely understand how you're feeling about having a baby.
Please take into consideration the state of your marriage and your husband's mental health at this moment in time. It really doesn't sound like a healthy time to be getting pregnant. I can only imagine the amount of resentment that is building because of that factor.
Then there's everything he's going through. Sounds like he is tormenting himself. I wish I had a good answer. Sometimes we have to take things like this with a grain of salt and not let it overwhelm our minds (referring to him). He needs to understand that whether things fall apart or not he needs to keep on living.
Could you two come up with a compromise? Maybe agree to have a certain level of preparation for "the end". I know that's only one factor.
I'm thinking that if you could get the pregnancy factor out of your mind for say the next 3 months and focus more on him understanding that you love him and are trying to help him that maybe you could get a positive response.
He sounds certifiable by what you've said and that has to be a scary place to be. I can imagine he believes everyone including you is against him. But you are the one person that could potentially get him to relax and listen and go get some help.
I know you want a baby and I really hope that will work out for you. If you can take that part of the stress and tension out of the picture for a minute maybe you guys could get him better. I don't know. I do know that if you do the best you can that you will know that you did and you will know then if you should be having a baby with him or maybe moving on with your life.
I really don't think you're going to want to be stressed and going through heck while pregnant and then bring a baby into a situation that is so unsteady and possibly need to leave your husband. Not when there is a possibility to have a happy pregnancy and a healthy life to offer a child.
I'm not saying that him being better is on your shoulders. I'm just trying to say that with where he's at right now that it sounds like your best answer for the long run is to do what you can to help him take the next steps. Not saying you should enable him either. Maybe start out by going to see a counselor by yourself and potentially get him to join you later?View Thread
Character flaw is definitely lying. I can't stand being lied to.
I have always had two deal breakers and have always been very up front about them. Hit me or cheat on me and you're gone. Plain and simple. I've always let every boyfriend know those things in the beginning of a relationship.
I even would go as far as telling them that if they put their hands on me that they would pay. That one way or another through time they would pay.... I've never had a man hit me. I would also explain in length about cheating. If you choose to cheat on me then you also make the choice to leave me. There is no turning to me for forgiveness because your choice to cheat on me was the choice to leave me.
What I've found (fyi) is that every man that I told I would leave if they put their hands on me had the same answer "I would never hit a woman" and I got the same results -- not being abused.
However, one man turned to me, put the back of his hand on my cheek gently, and said "I would never hurt you". It freaked me out! It was as if he imagined hitting me while he was saying that. I broke up with him the next day. He was angry that I would think that of him. And I told him what the other 99% of men had said and how very different it was than his answer. He was still angry, but I wasn't willing to stick around to test out my theory.
I believe if a man isn't going to be abusive it will be apart of his standards in life that he would never hit any woman. Men raised this way are very true to it. It is engrained in them that there is never a reason to hit a woman.View Thread
Ok, I know this reply is going to seem WAY out there, but I've been following your story on the other forum and I've been thinking all along and even more now that he's an abuser. The thing is that I don't think it'll really settle in until after you marry him. I think he will then turn really nasty towards you.
Sorry. Like I said I know this seems way out there. I didn't come up with this because one incident that you're referring to here. It's everything you've said about him. There's so much control he has over you and then he gives just enough to make you happy for a minute or apologizes to shut you up, but nothing really changes.
Part of me agrees with FCL about waiting to make big decisions, but the other part of me knows it will be a LOT harder after your baby is born.
All the things you keep saying about what you want and how you think things should be are really true, and you deserve for them to be that way. Good luck.View Thread
Anon, maybe you're expecting too much from her. She called to wish your husband happy birthday.. I don't think that was weird, I think it was her being friendly.
She did something a friend would do, and then you said she needs to do something to prove she's a friend. Maybe you have two different ideas of what friendship means. Apparently she doesn't fit yours and she's probably not going to either.
If she's not worth the effort to you why bother worrying so much about this? Why not try talking with her about what's on your mind instead of not calling her and hoping its going to change something?View Thread
I've thought about this and the one comment that keeps playing over and over in my mind is this "She once did told me that I was her ONLY friend and I believe it". Maybe the truth is she doesn't know how to be a friend. She probably appreciates you more than she could ever express.
How about instead of having big expectations out of her and your friendship you consider that the friendship is what it is. If that is alright with you. You don't need to be apart of a friendship that takes so much energy from you and leaves you feeling resentful.
I'm just guessing from what you've said of her she probably doesn't have much self esteem and enjoys what she gets from you and has no idea how to return it. When you ask why she doesn't call it may just confirm to her her worthlessness. Not that that should be your burden to carry. Just maybe if you guys are neighbors then every once in awhile you can call her up for a walk and some girl time. Just know she's not going to be more than that. And ONLY if you are alright with that.
When your talk about her putting her head down when she answered you, that is a sign of shame. Not necessarily a lie. Obviously I don't know, but it was shame she was feeling.
Since you don't really have anything to lose here why not ask her "do you like me" "does it bother you when I come around" "do you spend time with me out of obligation" "I wonder because we only get together because I call and it makes me feel like you don't really value our friendship"
She might think you are always too busy for her and she doesn't want to call you and interrupt your life because in her low self esteem she's not worth it. Just an idea.View Thread