Bella, im sure someone in you life taught you two wrongs dont make a right. If you and your husband are still invested in your marriage, both of you need to break all emotional ties with others who can potentially jeopardize repairing your relationship. Seek marriage counseling. Regaining trust with each is possible, but not without working diligently at it. It could take longer than either of you has patience for or not happen at all. If you are ready to call it quits now, lose the romantic interest and invest in counseling for yourself. Divorce sucks emotionally, financially, and spiritually. The worst thing you can do is carry your baggage into a new relationship you arent ready for.View Thread
I went through something similar with my ex early in our marriage. It wasnt easy, I wanted sex with him and the sex was great but my desire to get there...he was there long before I was. It became a problem. I hadnt experienced this before. I asked him for more affection without ending in sex every time. This frustrated him and he requested my help getting him off so he could hold me after. Worked great for him but frustrated me. We had sex during this time period but it wasnt as often as he wanted. We started fighting over it and every time he would say dont worry its ok ill deal with it. I did a full work up at the drs office. Asked them to run any test where low libido might be a symptom. All tests were fine...no medical issues. I also went to counseling. No breakthroughs there aside from learning the pressure from our fighting most likely made things much more difficult to figure out or work on, on my end. I started shutting down because of it. I did ask him to stop making me feel guilty. Once he did, in time my sex drive improved. Desire was like it was before. Problem then became he resented me for not desiring him all that time, taking away from his feeling like a man. I'm pretty sure that is when he stopped loving me and one reason why he divorced me six years later. I dont wish you to be ill, but I hope your dr can help shed some light on this for you.View Thread
While Dennis makes a valid point, I would argue that at some point in your relationship he wasnt lazy and/or unsupportive of you. What changed??? Not your question to answer. Start by reminding him your marriage and life together is between you and him to decide how it works. Let him know his lack of support isnt working for you and if the two of you find a workable compromise it will save your marriage. If he doesnt want to budge let him know it will ultimately be a dealbreaker for you.View Thread
You used to be that escape for him...no doubt that hurt! Is his finding that escape elsewhere and hiding it from you acceptable? He has done this more than once, if you keep forgiving him without holding him accountable it will most likely happen again. Trust has been broken...you have the right to decide if it is a marriage dealbreaker for you. If its not, marriage counseling could work if he is truly invested in rebuilding and maintaining trust with you. You will need to establish boundaries that he agrees to follow through with. The ball is in your court...in the meantime you may want to schedule an appt with your physician and get tested for std's.View Thread
I have a tendency to believe my ex didn't trust me to be emotionally supportive,even though he wasn't emotionally distant with me for a long time - I also believe his lack of trust was baggage he brought into the marriage. I say this for two reasons; I am compassionate and loving. I find it hard to believe I didn't do my part although yes I admit I wasn't a perfect wife. At times, life got in the way...I own my part.
When things got rocky between us, he told me having a father who betrayed him and a mother who abandoned him jaded his trust in people. His perspective was, how could he trust in others when the two people who were supposed to be there in supportive roles at a critical time in his life, weren't? Agreed however, what about finding his peace with it? Counseling wasn't a priority for him. The worst part is, he equated sex with love...filling the void?! To me, sex is an expression of love between two people, not the other way around. In other words, more sex does not mean more love anymore than less sex equals less love. Yes, there needs to be content in the bedroom as much as out of the bedroom, but this is a perspective I have contention with that I'm finding most difficult to make my peace with.
When he finally became emotionally distant, it was over his attachment to another in an emotional affair. This led to murky waters and a couple of separations. After our third and final separation he waffled with me, and 8 months later this girl left the country. Whether or not they engaged in a physical relationship I do not know but I believe they didn't. If she had put out, the waffling would have stopped...read on. Shortly after she left he pursued another and the waffling stopped. As a matter of fact he went completely off the radar. Two months later they became pregnant. Then he filed - what was going on in the background went unbeknownst to me until after the divorce was final and their child entered this world. BTW, I did not hear of this through him and later found out it was a big "secret".
My personal feeling is, if you are out of the marriage emotionally, end it before engaging in another relationship. No matter how one slices and dices it, our marriage was dishonored with his infidelity. I also have an issue with the concept of being "in love". I believe love and commitment are what makes a relationship last - "in love" gives an easy way "out of love". It's non-committal IMHO. Ok Leslie, I am not sure how all of this all relates to your post but I think there is some correlation here. I may have strayed in my comments a bit. Thank you for the insight!View Thread
When I find myself ruminating or stuck in limbo, I have to force myself to realize that its almost always because logic and happiness are stonewalling each other. That's when I have to put the kids in time out and allow my gut to guide me. Only then does peace prevail.
den51 - I'm sorry for the difficulties you are having. I believe the opposite of fear is love - not hate. When we love we allow ourselves to be vulnerable and compassionate. Hate is a by-product of anger and both are destructive emotions to give way to. Love is a choice as is fear. Take your journey one day at a time - or if needed, one hour at a time. Know you are human, and we humans make mistakes - learn from them and keep walking on the path to a better you. Be patient and kind to yourself...that's a great place to start. Wishing you well my friend.View Thread
I'm sorry this has happened. What is true is - you didn't know this man was married and had children but you do now. Take what you've learned to be true and apply it to your morals and beliefs. If what you feel with this man compromises those things, walk away...but walk away knowing you can wake up and look at yourself in the mirror with pride. Otherwise you compromise you as a person and take away from your happiness. It will result in crossing lines that promote unhappiness in your life. You took a risk and lost to no fault of your own. It happens to all of us. Take time for yourself to look at signs you may have missed along this journey and move forward. You can't lose what you never had.View Thread
You are doing what's best - giving him space, understanding, and a time frame to sort through things. In the long run this potentially protects you from getting into a relationship where down the road he may feel resentment or regret that could come between you.
There are two sides to every story and I must point out that its possible his truth about their marriage is slightly exaggerated. I'm not trying to knock the man, but separation/divorce has been known to generate half-truths out of bitterness/resentment.
Since my divorce, the ex has been telling people we divorced because I didn't want or couldn't have kids. Yes, I've heard two different versions from two different people! Besides the fact that was the farthest thing from the truth. I did want to have kids with him, and he wasn't sure. I think he chose to tell people this was the reason we divorced because before he even filed he got his gf of two months pregnant. It was a big secret - he didn't acknowledge it with me during our divorce proceedings and he still hasn't. I found out about it on facebook of all places! Their child is almost a year old and I've recently had people tell me they saw him/them recently and had no idea we were divorced or that he had a kid with someone else.
I guess I'm just trying to say, be careful and protect yourself. it is possible she could be jealous/possessive of what is going on in his life now and perhaps if they made a go of it again and things remained the same he will most likely sever that relationship and move on. If he is willing to try with her again, he isn't ready to move on - and maybe the reasons he wants to try again aren't ones he is ready to share with you.View Thread