Like others have said, it takes time. I too was cheated on...I understand the pain of dealing with why...no closure. Like you, no contact with the ex. He moved on with a much younger partner, and they got pregnant two months into their "relationship". You dont have to forgive his choices or actions. You can forgive your reaction to it. You can make better choices for your happiness. Letting go isnt easy...the pain is like a muscle that has atrophied- keep working it. It will heal in time with your help. Your family is likely concerned for your well being. Talk with them so they know where you are at emot ionally. Youy may be surprised by the ways they help you. (((HUGGS)))View Thread
Dennis as I said, my post wasnt a criticism on you. I think you misunderstood my point though...i didnt take what you said to mean every married man cheats. I apologize what I said came across that way. Ive been overseas in the military and I know well what you speak of as I saw it on some level also. One thing that bothered me in your post is your judgement of the OPs husband. You did in fact say every married man you knew over there did this, implying and even saying "I can pretty much guarantee he did cheat". I couldnt help but think what the OP might take from that statement. The purpose of my counter was exactly to point out that cheating is a choice and not everyone does it. The rest of it was merely a sarcastic retort to the undertones of the content in your post.View Thread
Dennis!! (please bear with me-gotta play devils advocate on this one!) Thanks for the evolutionary reminder of the "monkey see, monkey do" theory. I had almost forgotten about our primal instincts to survive...that includes procreation to insure the human race doesnt die out right? In 1978 there were approx 4.3 billion humans on earth. In one year the population grew by approx 75,000 - today 7 plus billion - which tells me, short of an apocalypse humans aren't dying out very quickly. So sex is just a primal instinct we must act upon when the temptation presents. Ironically in 1978, we were reminded of our primal "monkey see, monkey do" instincts with the infamous " drinking of the kool aid". ok enough on the historical references. Getting to my point, your rhetoric rings of the "its so easy, everyone's doing it" concept. This is truly a conflict of human interest...or is it? Humans are of a higher intelligence - some of us willfully choose lifelong partners and sustain a family oriented lifestyle. Whether half a mile down the road or halfway across the globe in the face of temptations a choice must be made...and everyone is entitled to their own choices...as well as living with the consequences. You cant control every situation, but you can control your actions. Dennis, this is not a knock on you - just the subject matter you brought to the table.View Thread
Bella, im sure someone in you life taught you two wrongs dont make a right. If you and your husband are still invested in your marriage, both of you need to break all emotional ties with others who can potentially jeopardize repairing your relationship. Seek marriage counseling. Regaining trust with each is possible, but not without working diligently at it. It could take longer than either of you has patience for or not happen at all. If you are ready to call it quits now, lose the romantic interest and invest in counseling for yourself. Divorce sucks emotionally, financially, and spiritually. The worst thing you can do is carry your baggage into a new relationship you arent ready for.View Thread
I went through something similar with my ex early in our marriage. It wasnt easy, I wanted sex with him and the sex was great but my desire to get there...he was there long before I was. It became a problem. I hadnt experienced this before. I asked him for more affection without ending in sex every time. This frustrated him and he requested my help getting him off so he could hold me after. Worked great for him but frustrated me. We had sex during this time period but it wasnt as often as he wanted. We started fighting over it and every time he would say dont worry its ok ill deal with it. I did a full work up at the drs office. Asked them to run any test where low libido might be a symptom. All tests were fine...no medical issues. I also went to counseling. No breakthroughs there aside from learning the pressure from our fighting most likely made things much more difficult to figure out or work on, on my end. I started shutting down because of it. I did ask him to stop making me feel guilty. Once he did, in time my sex drive improved. Desire was like it was before. Problem then became he resented me for not desiring him all that time, taking away from his feeling like a man. I'm pretty sure that is when he stopped loving me and one reason why he divorced me six years later. I dont wish you to be ill, but I hope your dr can help shed some light on this for you.View Thread
While Dennis makes a valid point, I would argue that at some point in your relationship he wasnt lazy and/or unsupportive of you. What changed??? Not your question to answer. Start by reminding him your marriage and life together is between you and him to decide how it works. Let him know his lack of support isnt working for you and if the two of you find a workable compromise it will save your marriage. If he doesnt want to budge let him know it will ultimately be a dealbreaker for you.View Thread
You used to be that escape for him...no doubt that hurt! Is his finding that escape elsewhere and hiding it from you acceptable? He has done this more than once, if you keep forgiving him without holding him accountable it will most likely happen again. Trust has been broken...you have the right to decide if it is a marriage dealbreaker for you. If its not, marriage counseling could work if he is truly invested in rebuilding and maintaining trust with you. You will need to establish boundaries that he agrees to follow through with. The ball is in your court...in the meantime you may want to schedule an appt with your physician and get tested for std's.View Thread
I have a tendency to believe my ex didn't trust me to be emotionally supportive,even though he wasn't emotionally distant with me for a long time - I also believe his lack of trust was baggage he brought into the marriage. I say this for two reasons; I am compassionate and loving. I find it hard to believe I didn't do my part although yes I admit I wasn't a perfect wife. At times, life got in the way...I own my part.
When things got rocky between us, he told me having a father who betrayed him and a mother who abandoned him jaded his trust in people. His perspective was, how could he trust in others when the two people who were supposed to be there in supportive roles at a critical time in his life, weren't? Agreed however, what about finding his peace with it? Counseling wasn't a priority for him. The worst part is, he equated sex with love...filling the void?! To me, sex is an expression of love between two people, not the other way around. In other words, more sex does not mean more love anymore than less sex equals less love. Yes, there needs to be content in the bedroom as much as out of the bedroom, but this is a perspective I have contention with that I'm finding most difficult to make my peace with.
When he finally became emotionally distant, it was over his attachment to another in an emotional affair. This led to murky waters and a couple of separations. After our third and final separation he waffled with me, and 8 months later this girl left the country. Whether or not they engaged in a physical relationship I do not know but I believe they didn't. If she had put out, the waffling would have stopped...read on. Shortly after she left he pursued another and the waffling stopped. As a matter of fact he went completely off the radar. Two months later they became pregnant. Then he filed - what was going on in the background went unbeknownst to me until after the divorce was final and their child entered this world. BTW, I did not hear of this through him and later found out it was a big "secret".
My personal feeling is, if you are out of the marriage emotionally, end it before engaging in another relationship. No matter how one slices and dices it, our marriage was dishonored with his infidelity. I also have an issue with the concept of being "in love". I believe love and commitment are what makes a relationship last - "in love" gives an easy way "out of love". It's non-committal IMHO. Ok Leslie, I am not sure how all of this all relates to your post but I think there is some correlation here. I may have strayed in my comments a bit. Thank you for the insight!View Thread
When I find myself ruminating or stuck in limbo, I have to force myself to realize that its almost always because logic and happiness are stonewalling each other. That's when I have to put the kids in time out and allow my gut to guide me. Only then does peace prevail.
den51 - I'm sorry for the difficulties you are having. I believe the opposite of fear is love - not hate. When we love we allow ourselves to be vulnerable and compassionate. Hate is a by-product of anger and both are destructive emotions to give way to. Love is a choice as is fear. Take your journey one day at a time - or if needed, one hour at a time. Know you are human, and we humans make mistakes - learn from them and keep walking on the path to a better you. Be patient and kind to yourself...that's a great place to start. Wishing you well my friend.View Thread