I struggle with something along that line. I am an outgoing person, and enjoy the company of loved ones. In past relationships, living with someone and sharing a life with them I found desirable for a multitude of reasons. I've been on my own for two years now, since my separation/divorce, and I look at relationships and the possibility of living with someone quite different than I ever have in the past. I'm not one who has enjoyed long stretches of alone time in the past. When my husband finally (after 3 years in limbo) told me he wanted a divorce because marriage was too much pressure, I was crushed. I became introverted and it took me a long time to work out of it. Now, I'm an empty nester, and I'm finding I enjoy living alone. I have many really great friends and family in my life. I do miss having my family in close quarters to a degree. Having no one to come home to is in a way bittersweet. When I come home from work, the house is just the way I left it. I do what I want when I want, and if there is a mess to be cleaned its my mess to deal with. I have time now to do the things I want to do, the way I want to do them. For me, part of why I like living alone is because of those things I mentioned - another part of it is enjoying the silence from the emotional drama that is present when living with others. I'm much less tolerant of drama and my home has become my solace from it. Because of my financial aftermath from the divorce, I've considered renting a room - there are a very few people I've made that offer to. It would help my finances, but I don't know if I really want that right now. My need for being alone isn't intense as you say it is for you, but I've often wondered if I will ever feel the want to welcome another person in my everyday life. At this point, I am happier not being in a relationship although I do miss sharing a life, love, and affection with a man. I just do not feel that is an intense need. My focus is elsewhere and I know I am not alone,even though at times I do get lonely.View Thread
Dennis - I'm sorry to learn your wife cheated on you. I cheated on a boyfriend many years ago...I don't understand what made me think that was ok. But I got caught and felt horrible about the whole thing - not to mention how I hurt someone I cared about. I've also been cheated on...my ex husband did a bang up job on his way out of our marriage! I guess he was doing everything he could to piss me off so I would end up walking away and he would come out smelling like a rose!! Lord knows he went to enough people making it seem that way. Anyway, on the other post I didn't mean to make it sound like I was going to cheat. I was making a point that I considered it because my libido has been in overdrive and I find myself craving the human contact to share it with. But that's why I have toys I'm not interested in feeling regret over such stupidity!! Thank you for your passionate answer!!View Thread
Dennis - Thank you for you kind words! I apologize for misleading you...that incident was just one of many that occurred throughout that final 3 years of our marriage (we were married 11 yrs - together 14). His father isn't a part of his life and hadn't been since a year before we married. That was solely my ex's choice...but he didn't follow up with counseling to work through those issues. I was always very conscientious not to do or say anything that might come across as controlling or manipulative - given what he grew up with, meaning his father. That's why what he said crushed me - it's as if he saw me as the same person his father is...and I don't even know why. He also had abandonment issues with his mother.
Anyway, its your choice if-when-how you choose to share your past with someone special. I really hope you find someone who will appreciate all that you have to give!! I understand it may feel like time is running out, but don't ever forget you are as young as you feel So stay young in your head and heart!
To answer your question, no I haven't found someone new...at least not someone that sticks. For now, I'm ok with that...I do hope to find that someone down the road - just need a break from all the heartache.View Thread
Dennis - put yourself out there as who you are now. Period. The past has shaped you into the person you are today but that doesn't mean it is relevent information to share. You have nothing to prove, just be YOU!
Before my ex and I were married, we shared those vulnerable moments of putting our past out into the light. To me it was a sign of deep trust and a time not to be judgmental. Neither of us was at the time. Nine years after we married and going through a rough patch, he called me out on something I had told him way back then. In his mind I used that story to manipulate him in some way which I did not. But because his father was controlling and manipulative he chose to view it that way...after all those years!! I was crushed! And I've decided since, it's not relevant to share that part of my life with anyone else.View Thread
Honestly I think life is just too demanding in so many other areas that end up taking away from time needed to maintain a healthy relationship. That and the sad fact that we live in a society where pointing a finger no longer requires acknowledging the three that are pointing back at you. Instead, throw blame and walk away without offering a solution. Call it what you want, settling, fed up, incompatible, or what have you. I know when I married it wasn't just for love, there was a commitment on my end. I did my part but he wasn't happy - it's not my place to make him happy. So, my suggestion is if you aren't happy either find happiness in yourself, or get divorced and do it all over again.View Thread
I agree that therapy may be the only saving grace at this point. I think he needs one on one therapy to help him understand where his fears stem from. If he is not willing to work on himself for the sake of his own happiness and a healthier relationship with you, you may want to consider getting out now. I say this because I married a "broken" man and after 9 years of marriage his unhappiness in his own life translated to an unhappy marriage and he divorced me. He had unresolved abandonment issues with his mother, and grew up with a controlling and manipulative father. We met shortly after he moved out from his fathers and he ended up severing that relationship a year before we married. I didn't understand the depth of those issues or how they affected him. He rarely talked about it, and any time I suggested therapy he wasn't interested. It's funny, in our relationship his behavior manifested in the opposite way - in the beginning he was insecure, and overprotective. By the end, he was reasonably self-assured and definitely cocky enough to do and say things that completely tore me apart. But his confidence was always fake. My guess is your BF's behavior changed because he didn't see things going in the direction they have, and because he values you in his life he is afraid of losing you and is reacting in the only way he knows how. What he needs is to find a way to address his fears and feel comfort in that. It's not fair for him to expect you to take that on and deal with it form him.View Thread
With regards to the original post, it seems anxiety is ruling your life...from all of what you said you allude to anxiety having a role. Have you sought out help to reduce this condition? One on one counseling is helpful for identifying the causes of your anxiety and determining mechanisms for dealing with an episode. There are also some very effective anti-anxiety medications available.
With regards to this job, I sense you are over-thinking an outcome. I understand you are afraid you might not like it and quit, but you are allowing other people make you feel afraid of that! What matters is how you feel about it. If you try and don't like it will YOU be ok with that? What if you try and do like it? How would you feel not trying, but knowing there's at least a 50/50 chance it could change something in your life? Maybe the not trying is holding you back in some way...if you try and find you don't like it there's a good possiblity a new door could open! The most important thing to realize is all of this thinking about it is futile if you aren't going to call and ask the question.
I'm a firm believer that what we do here on earth is what matters. This is the only life I have to live, and I intend to live it to the fullest out of respect for my very being. There is plenty I've been afraid of in my life, but I've found if I break my fears down into smaller, more managable, fears I become less afraid and more successful. Best wishes!View Thread
My partner divorced me less than a year ago now. Up until the last three years of our marriage, I couldn't have asked for a better person to share my life with...something changed and drastically. To this day I do not know what brought it on...but I've often wonder if it had anything to do with the head trauma he sustained in a work accident just before his behavior turned on a dime. Those last three years were by far, the worst years of my life. I've never had my head spun in so many directions or my heart torn into a bazillion pieces before my eyes...one piece at a time. I stood by him - I saw him falling apart before my eyes and thought he, the man I married, would return. After a two year struggle he just left claiming he wanted a divorce. Divorce is not what I wanted and I believe actions speak louder than words so I did not file. Neither did he - that is, until he HAD to. He filed all of a sudden and wanted it over with yesterday. The six months it took was too long in his book, even though it took him 14 months to actually file...14 months after moving out - less than four months after our last attempt at reconciling - I knew something was up, and he wasn't about to offer any info. Of course, I found out two months after our divorce went through, on facebook of all places, that he and our best friends sister had a one month old child together. Luckily for me, I have gained insight to what forgiveness is all about...and its not about the person who caused pain or grief. Forgetting...I will NEVER forget the pain I endured at the hand of a person who was so broken. Broken people = broken promises. Forgetting doesn't eat away at me, but remembering can if I let it.View Thread