I agree that therapy may be the only saving grace at this point. I think he needs one on one therapy to help him understand where his fears stem from. If he is not willing to work on himself for the sake of his own happiness and a healthier relationship with you, you may want to consider getting out now. I say this because I married a "broken" man and after 9 years of marriage his unhappiness in his own life translated to an unhappy marriage and he divorced me. He had unresolved abandonment issues with his mother, and grew up with a controlling and manipulative father. We met shortly after he moved out from his fathers and he ended up severing that relationship a year before we married. I didn't understand the depth of those issues or how they affected him. He rarely talked about it, and any time I suggested therapy he wasn't interested. It's funny, in our relationship his behavior manifested in the opposite way - in the beginning he was insecure, and overprotective. By the end, he was reasonably self-assured and definitely cocky enough to do and say things that completely tore me apart. But his confidence was always fake. My guess is your BF's behavior changed because he didn't see things going in the direction they have, and because he values you in his life he is afraid of losing you and is reacting in the only way he knows how. What he needs is to find a way to address his fears and feel comfort in that. It's not fair for him to expect you to take that on and deal with it form him.View Thread
With regards to the original post, it seems anxiety is ruling your life...from all of what you said you allude to anxiety having a role. Have you sought out help to reduce this condition? One on one counseling is helpful for identifying the causes of your anxiety and determining mechanisms for dealing with an episode. There are also some very effective anti-anxiety medications available.
With regards to this job, I sense you are over-thinking an outcome. I understand you are afraid you might not like it and quit, but you are allowing other people make you feel afraid of that! What matters is how you feel about it. If you try and don't like it will YOU be ok with that? What if you try and do like it? How would you feel not trying, but knowing there's at least a 50/50 chance it could change something in your life? Maybe the not trying is holding you back in some way...if you try and find you don't like it there's a good possiblity a new door could open! The most important thing to realize is all of this thinking about it is futile if you aren't going to call and ask the question.
I'm a firm believer that what we do here on earth is what matters. This is the only life I have to live, and I intend to live it to the fullest out of respect for my very being. There is plenty I've been afraid of in my life, but I've found if I break my fears down into smaller, more managable, fears I become less afraid and more successful. Best wishes!View Thread
My partner divorced me less than a year ago now. Up until the last three years of our marriage, I couldn't have asked for a better person to share my life with...something changed and drastically. To this day I do not know what brought it on...but I've often wonder if it had anything to do with the head trauma he sustained in a work accident just before his behavior turned on a dime. Those last three years were by far, the worst years of my life. I've never had my head spun in so many directions or my heart torn into a bazillion pieces before my eyes...one piece at a time. I stood by him - I saw him falling apart before my eyes and thought he, the man I married, would return. After a two year struggle he just left claiming he wanted a divorce. Divorce is not what I wanted and I believe actions speak louder than words so I did not file. Neither did he - that is, until he HAD to. He filed all of a sudden and wanted it over with yesterday. The six months it took was too long in his book, even though it took him 14 months to actually file...14 months after moving out - less than four months after our last attempt at reconciling - I knew something was up, and he wasn't about to offer any info. Of course, I found out two months after our divorce went through, on facebook of all places, that he and our best friends sister had a one month old child together. Luckily for me, I have gained insight to what forgiveness is all about...and its not about the person who caused pain or grief. Forgetting...I will NEVER forget the pain I endured at the hand of a person who was so broken. Broken people = broken promises. Forgetting doesn't eat away at me, but remembering can if I let it.View Thread
Thank you for the suggestion...I certainly do not want to live in any more pain. My separation/divorce dragged out for three very long years due to my ex's waffling, and my unwillingness to give in/up on us and our marriage (even though I instinctively knew it was over on his end). I pretty much threw in the towel when he decided to FINALLY make a decision and file. It was a few months later when I got involved with this other man, but I hadn't been "in" any relationship (even with ex) for a year and a half. I was working through the pain and processing the divorce long before going through it.
It is getting easier with the other man - we are both keeping our distance from each other. I am planning some small projects around the house to keep my mind occupied and head down at work. Getting some time with my family and friends in between. I needed to hear it from you Leslie...hearing it from friends and family isn't the same. The difference being you have experience and have seen many outcomes and helped a variety of people through their obstacles I am sure. Thank you.View Thread
Leslie - I am having some difficulty as time passes...the sadness is setting in now and I'm not handling it well. Honestly, I think the reason why its hitting me more now is because I didn't think the two of them would "stick".
One thing I didn't mention is that he and I work together. We spent a lot of time (before anything happened between us) working fairly close together. After we got together (which he pushed for) he'd stop in my office just to chat about projects or have a few laughs together. But since we split he has mostly stopped. I understand cutting off communication with me is best, but I get the impression he is playing the "good boy" role. Meaning cutting off as much communication as possible so ppl at work aren't catching us together and talking about it behind our backs...which could get back to his wife. I say that because a few times here and there he has "snuck" in the office to say hi or whatever but he is definately very careful about being seen doing that. We had a brief conversation last week and I suggested he didn't need to be such a stranger at work. He replied that he stays away because he finds it hard not to touch me when we are close. He also told me he thinks about us a lot...and he cares what happens to me, but he's not saying much else.
What is really hard is to hear his voice or see him walk by...my whole body reacts. Likewise if our paths cross he smiles very heartily and waves in the most adorable way. Its just weird...I don't want to forget him, I don't want to stop loving or caring for him but I know I need to find a way to let go somehow. Do you have any insights or suggestions??View Thread
What you describe as "unloved" sounds pretty close to how I think my ex perceived things. In the last few years of our marriage he expressed with me he didn't feel appreciated by me or my kids. I really don't understand why he felt that way, to me it was a slap in the face. We didn't walk all over him, he was well respected by each of us. I took on a lot of extra responsibilities so as not to interfere with his business (self-employed). I was there for him whenever he needed me - one exception to that was a period of time when my libido was low and his wasn't. I do understand how that could make someone feel unloved, yet I still showed him love in so many other ways. I have come to understand that our marriage came to an end in large part because he was caught up in his own "stuff".View Thread
My response may not be appropriate to your question, but it is relevant to the topic of discussion.
I recently got involved with a married man going through a divorce. We had a brief affair, it wasn't without his wife's knowledge. She and I spoke a few times over that course of that time and she told me the marriage was dead - I told her if there was a chance they wanted to work things out I would back off and not get in the way. He told me the marriage was dead also...it was just too soon for all parties involved to be moving forward.
He decided he missed his kids and his home so he moved back home and broke it off with us. She called me and asked if he went back because of the kids (a similar thing happened between them 6 years ago except she had the affair, and he took them back because he couldn't stand being away from his kids). I told her all I know is he loves his kids more than anything and the two of them would need to figure out the rest.
As for me, I felt sad by his leaving when he broke it off...hurt by its suddenness as we had talks and did things pertaining to "our" future. We had gotten to know each others kids and the two of us really seemed to click like partners would, I imagine. I have no regrets - I don't feel ill willed toward him or his wife. It was a learning experience for me too.View Thread
Yeah, I'm happy to know I will sleep well at night...haha!
I don't mean to hijack this post, but about karma...I did get some good news today regarding the whole income tax deal. He kept draggin his feet until I received a notice of tax levy through my employer a few months ago. I was livid! Long story short, I chose to file the back years '09-'11 as married filing separate because there was a large sum of money owed from his business taxes. A small portion was mine from not paying in enough. I also chose to take the child credits due for years '09 & '10 - he agreed. I just heard from the accountant and for '09 I'm getting a $212 return! Much better than the $6K plus they had figured. '10 & '11 are still ahead and I expect I will end up owing a small amount - he on the other hand is going to end up with somewhere in the vicinity of $8K in back taxes. Poor baby.
It just keeps getting better...I just got a call on the auto/ho insurance policy which I had asked him several times to remove himself from. He couldn't make a simple phone call...so I ended up rewriting the Auto in my name, keeping the combined policy. I got a $124 check from the Ins co. and after two weeks of my agent tracking down what that was for, it ended up being a credit! My policy is now paid up until November and the money is mine free & clear!View Thread