Thank you for the suggestion...I certainly do not want to live in any more pain. My separation/divorce dragged out for three very long years due to my ex's waffling, and my unwillingness to give in/up on us and our marriage (even though I instinctively knew it was over on his end). I pretty much threw in the towel when he decided to FINALLY make a decision and file. It was a few months later when I got involved with this other man, but I hadn't been "in" any relationship (even with ex) for a year and a half. I was working through the pain and processing the divorce long before going through it.
It is getting easier with the other man - we are both keeping our distance from each other. I am planning some small projects around the house to keep my mind occupied and head down at work. Getting some time with my family and friends in between. I needed to hear it from you Leslie...hearing it from friends and family isn't the same. The difference being you have experience and have seen many outcomes and helped a variety of people through their obstacles I am sure. Thank you.View Thread
Leslie - I am having some difficulty as time passes...the sadness is setting in now and I'm not handling it well. Honestly, I think the reason why its hitting me more now is because I didn't think the two of them would "stick".
One thing I didn't mention is that he and I work together. We spent a lot of time (before anything happened between us) working fairly close together. After we got together (which he pushed for) he'd stop in my office just to chat about projects or have a few laughs together. But since we split he has mostly stopped. I understand cutting off communication with me is best, but I get the impression he is playing the "good boy" role. Meaning cutting off as much communication as possible so ppl at work aren't catching us together and talking about it behind our backs...which could get back to his wife. I say that because a few times here and there he has "snuck" in the office to say hi or whatever but he is definately very careful about being seen doing that. We had a brief conversation last week and I suggested he didn't need to be such a stranger at work. He replied that he stays away because he finds it hard not to touch me when we are close. He also told me he thinks about us a lot...and he cares what happens to me, but he's not saying much else.
What is really hard is to hear his voice or see him walk by...my whole body reacts. Likewise if our paths cross he smiles very heartily and waves in the most adorable way. Its just weird...I don't want to forget him, I don't want to stop loving or caring for him but I know I need to find a way to let go somehow. Do you have any insights or suggestions??View Thread
What you describe as "unloved" sounds pretty close to how I think my ex perceived things. In the last few years of our marriage he expressed with me he didn't feel appreciated by me or my kids. I really don't understand why he felt that way, to me it was a slap in the face. We didn't walk all over him, he was well respected by each of us. I took on a lot of extra responsibilities so as not to interfere with his business (self-employed). I was there for him whenever he needed me - one exception to that was a period of time when my libido was low and his wasn't. I do understand how that could make someone feel unloved, yet I still showed him love in so many other ways. I have come to understand that our marriage came to an end in large part because he was caught up in his own "stuff".View Thread
My response may not be appropriate to your question, but it is relevant to the topic of discussion.
I recently got involved with a married man going through a divorce. We had a brief affair, it wasn't without his wife's knowledge. She and I spoke a few times over that course of that time and she told me the marriage was dead - I told her if there was a chance they wanted to work things out I would back off and not get in the way. He told me the marriage was dead also...it was just too soon for all parties involved to be moving forward.
He decided he missed his kids and his home so he moved back home and broke it off with us. She called me and asked if he went back because of the kids (a similar thing happened between them 6 years ago except she had the affair, and he took them back because he couldn't stand being away from his kids). I told her all I know is he loves his kids more than anything and the two of them would need to figure out the rest.
As for me, I felt sad by his leaving when he broke it off...hurt by its suddenness as we had talks and did things pertaining to "our" future. We had gotten to know each others kids and the two of us really seemed to click like partners would, I imagine. I have no regrets - I don't feel ill willed toward him or his wife. It was a learning experience for me too.View Thread
Yeah, I'm happy to know I will sleep well at night...haha!
I don't mean to hijack this post, but about karma...I did get some good news today regarding the whole income tax deal. He kept draggin his feet until I received a notice of tax levy through my employer a few months ago. I was livid! Long story short, I chose to file the back years '09-'11 as married filing separate because there was a large sum of money owed from his business taxes. A small portion was mine from not paying in enough. I also chose to take the child credits due for years '09 & '10 - he agreed. I just heard from the accountant and for '09 I'm getting a $212 return! Much better than the $6K plus they had figured. '10 & '11 are still ahead and I expect I will end up owing a small amount - he on the other hand is going to end up with somewhere in the vicinity of $8K in back taxes. Poor baby.
It just keeps getting better...I just got a call on the auto/ho insurance policy which I had asked him several times to remove himself from. He couldn't make a simple phone call...so I ended up rewriting the Auto in my name, keeping the combined policy. I got a $124 check from the Ins co. and after two weeks of my agent tracking down what that was for, it ended up being a credit! My policy is now paid up until November and the money is mine free & clear!View Thread
Yup, that is exactly what happened. Amazing how you can run but you can't hide...he is such a coward living in a f'd up fantasy world - ten fold!! All I got to say is, good riddance!
BTW, the baby momma isn't the girl he had been having a texting/emotional affair with.
Thank you for thinking of me. Yes, I am ok with moving forward in my life and I have been steadily since he FINALLY decided to file in January. I still have a long way to go, but for me life is looking better and better each day. Take care!View Thread
Over the past few years I have found social media a great way to keep in contact with people who I've lost touch with. There were a few former BF's who touched base. I didn't think much about it because I was married and knew I wasn't looking for anything outside of my marriage - all is good!
Interestingly enough, my (now) ex never has been a fan of computers or social media. His thing became texting in the final years of our marriage - whole other story. Anyway, he moved out two years ago saying he wanted a divorce but it was well over a year before he filed. We had been in somewhat close touch and physically intimate a few times except for the last 3 months before he decided to file...at which time he went completely off the radar. I had to call and leave messages for him at his sisters house and half the time didn't get a call back.
All of a sudden this past January he pops up on the radar...ready to file and wanting it over and done with. In his mind it was simply, you can have the house and I'll take my business and business assets - over and done with. At the time I thought whoa...something doesn't add up. Six months later we finalized our divorce (just three months ago now) FF to last week when my nephew was home on leave - I asked him if he has seen his uncle and he replied not yet, he's too busy with his new GF "B"...except right away I knew he said the wrong "B" name and suddenly everything fell into place. He was dating our friends younger sister...she is 18 years younger than me, 10 years younger than him. So, thought I would check her FB page the next day as we WERE friends...she defriended me. I went to her page and saw a few messages that said Congrats B & J (my ex), we can't wait to meet C!! Then I remembered about a month ago on ex's cousins page there were pictures of him (cousin) holding a newborn...I wondered then who had the baby. There was a tag on the picture that said welcome CMD...so ex is a daddy now and I found out through social media! What fun that has been to deal with.View Thread
Kristy - I am so sorry for what you are going through. I don't have an answer for you, but I can empathize.
My ex and I went through something very similar. I was exhausted from my career, taking care of my (not his) two kids, and a household day after day. My libido was low...I am a little older than you, but I went to the Dr's and got a full medical check-up to look for anything that could be causing it. I also went to psycho-therapy for two years. I did what I could, but the fact is it was a problem we weren't able to resolve for a period of time. Part of the issue down the road was depression on both our parts, and not finding common ground. Ultimately, it led to a great deal of resentment on his end. My libido did pick up eventually, but by that time he had checked out of the marriage and it led to us divorcing.
Don't get me wrong, we had some other minor issues - we could have worked out. For him, the lack of intimacy was the killer of our relationship. I can't say I blame him.
My only suggestion would be to change things up. Maybe you make time in the morning before work or a quickie at lunchtime or something like that. See if that works better for the two of you. I wish you lots of luck!View Thread