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Reply: sad, sad, sunday...

Thanks tml...honestly, I've done enough crying for a lifetime over all of this in the past...

Posted by gd9900

9 Replies | Reply | Watch This DiscussionReport This| Share this:sad, sad, sunday... Thanks tml...honestly, I've done enough crying for a lifetime over all of this in the past...

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sad, sad, sunday...

Yesterday was not an easy day for me. Some of you know I've been struggling to find...

Posted by gd9900

Yesterday was not an easy day for me. Some of you know I've been struggling to find resolution with my husband regarding the direction our life together is to take. I've asked for his honesty, and finally...yesterday I got it. I am so proud of him for sharing with me that he doesn't want to be married. It is a sad and painful next step for us. The pressure of marriage has become too much for him. I understand why. Its an area in his life he's had to painstakingly consider letting go of. He needs to take a walk in life on his own and learn how to take care of himself. He simply doesn't know how to put himself first. He doesn't know how to communicate his needs/wants effectively with anyone...not just me. This is not his fault...its something he learned as a young boy - it carried over in his adult life and has become too much for him to bear in our relationship. For years, I didn't understand this was going on. Oddly enough, I didn't know he needed help yet somehow I have helped him.

" I guess I have some weird expectation that people are going be accountable for the things they say or agree to do. When they aren't, there's a "lie" in there somewhere. I've recently expressed the idea of the "lies" his words and actions present with me. He acknowledged his words/actions aren't in sync but admitted the thought hadn't crossed his mind that he was lying to himself and coming across as lying to someone else."

That passage, I have said before, is the essence of where he is at now. He realizes the lack of honesty he has with himself isn't fair to himself or anyone else...and that it is not his fault. He is worried he won't be able to fix this. Relieving the pressure he has felt in our marriage is a good first step I think. I asked him if he is considering counselling. I've suggested it in the past, and he has used time and money as an excuse. I think what it boils down to is him finding someone he can trust. I hope he works toward that...

I was pretty proud of myself with our heart to heart yesterday. I managed to hold back my emotions, and gave him my honesty as well. We had a good discussion...this isn't where either one of us wanted to end up. This is where we are regardless.View Thread

Posted bygd9900

9 Replies | Reply | Watch This DiscussionReport This| Share this:sad, sad, sunday... Yesterday was not an easy day for me. Some of you know I've been struggling to find...

Reply: Are You Living Together?

I am a firm believer a couple can benefit greatly by living together before marriage....

Posted by gd9900

11 Replies | Reply | Watch This DiscussionReport This| Share this:Are You Living Together? I am a firm believer a couple can benefit greatly by living together before marriage....

Reply: Relationship problems.

I empathize with what you are going through...I'm going through something similar. It's not...

Posted by gd9900

50 Replies | Reply | Watch This DiscussionReport This| Share this:Relationship problems. I empathize with what you are going through...I'm going through something similar. It's not...

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Reply: How to stop thinking about and feeling 'it'

FCL - I am well aware I haven't put my well-being first in all of this. He is lost, and his...

Posted by gd9900

57 Replies | Reply | Watch This DiscussionReport This| Share this:How to stop thinking about and feeling 'it' FCL - I am well aware I haven't put my well-being first in all of this. He is lost, and his...

Jeremy3456

It seems our conversation "hijacked" the OP's blog...so I thought a new thread was in order....

Posted by gd9900

1 Reply | Reply | Watch This DiscussionReport This| Share this:Jeremy3456 It seems our conversation "hijacked" the OP's blog...so I thought a new thread was in order....

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Reply: How to stop thinking about and feeling 'it'

I get what you're saying about my lack of self-esteem. All of this has been a huge blow to...

Posted by gd9900

57 Replies | Reply | Watch This DiscussionReport This| Share this:How to stop thinking about and feeling 'it' I get what you're saying about my lack of self-esteem. All of this has been a huge blow to...

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Reply: How to stop thinking about and feeling 'it'

FCL - I appreciate your blunt honesty with me. Believe me when I say I have mulled over the...

Posted by gd9900

57 Replies | Reply | Watch This DiscussionReport This| Share this:How to stop thinking about and feeling 'it' FCL - I appreciate your blunt honesty with me. Believe me when I say I have mulled over the...

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Reply: How to stop thinking about and feeling 'it'

I'd like to follow up with a new thread I'll post with your screen name as the title. Thank...

Posted by gd9900

57 Replies | Reply | Watch This DiscussionReport This| Share this:How to stop thinking about and feeling 'it' I'd like to follow up with a new thread I'll post with your screen name as the title. Thank...

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Reply: How to stop thinking about and feeling 'it'

Wow...I just read your last post to me and I've gotta say I hadn't thought about some of the...

Posted by gd9900

Wow...I just read your last post to me and I've gotta say I hadn't thought about some of the things you mentioned...at least consciously.

But first a little about this "other" woman I've mentioned. I agree she filled in a gap with him somewhere, but honestly I'm not sure I understand it. I've struggled over his (and her) pushing their friendship as they did, causing distance between me and him...especially when I voiced my concerns with BOTH of them early on. He would say no to me, and yes to her no matter what she wanted. In part that's because she wouldn't take no for an answer...and why she & I didn't click was because I was more than willing to say no to her. So, she would get what she wanted from him...very conniving. Things like planning parties with him at our house, planning my daughters 16th birthday surprise without involving me, getting him to take her to dinner/movies pretty regularly, planning overnight camping trips not including me...and so much more. It seemed like a game to her, and I did express with him to be careful as I was afraid he would get hurt in a big way. At first he would ask if I was ok with these things. At times I was, but the frequency was beyond my comfort level. If I told him I wasn't ok, he still went ahead and did whatever she wanted. At times plans were made totally unbeknownst to me...then he'd say oh I thought I told you. It was really sad seeing him let her pull his puppet strings and clearly it pretty one sided. She used him to get what she wanted...very manipulatively. I guess he probably got what he wanted also, but he was always doing "favors" for her...didn't see favors being returned from her. It got to me how well they responded to each other...I've been very sensitive over the years not to be manipulative with him knowing how his father was with him and oddly enough this is what he responds to?? It's not that I don't understand that...it hurts. Another thing that was really hurt was was their incessant flirting in front of me and the texting every day...I am the wife, yet I felt like a third wheel, non-existent at times. She is IMHO responsible for putting a wedge between us. I don't however deny that both he and I share responsibility for that as well.

I do think you are right that she is one of those ppl who likes to have what she can't have...I say this because things between them subsided during our separations. Not completely but its like it wasn't as much fun for her when I wasn't around...KWIM?

Last month she moved half was across the globe for work. I'm not sure if or how they may communicate - it sounded like her only form of contact would be through the internet and for him that would be a challenge if at all possible. Since she moved, his communications with me have lessened and have a stark blandness to them. Just before she left, he sent me texts indicating he missed me, was thinking of me every day, and wanted to see me. I reciprocated. Given what you offered, I'm confused because I'm not sure who's waffling here...much less how to move past it.

Maybe I am wrong, but how else would you view it when a person consistently (I am not talking about a once in a while thing) mismatches their words and actions with you? I'm not calling the person a liar, but there is lack of truth between the words he tells me and the actions that follow...it comes across in a way that I'm not sure what to believe. It's new behavior from him and its confusing.

OTOH, I hadn't really considered that he may view my actions as waffling. I haven't acted because I feel the ball is in his court...he said he wanted a divorce and moved in with his sister 10 months ago. Six months ago, everyone except me told him to throw in the towel and give up his business. I supported him through a very tough time emotionally, that he must keep plugging away no matter how tough it is - now isn't the time to give up on what he loves to do. He chose to stick with it - against all odds and he's glad he did.View Thread

Posted bygd9900

57 Replies | Reply | Watch This DiscussionReport This| Share this:How to stop thinking about and feeling 'it' Wow...I just read your last post to me and I've gotta say I hadn't thought about some of the...

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