Hi Asynchony - Thank you for your response and kind words. I appreciate the perspective you shared after reading what OP said, as well as with my response.
My husband and I did marry out of mutual love & respect for one another. We had a solid friendship that grew into a loving relationship over a 3 year period and we married with the belief we could get through anything together. Our marriage isn't in question over an ignored text message or phone call - but understand we've been separated almost a year now, and ironically the issue of miscommunications through texting and significantly less communication between us had come into play a few times.
I will never stop loving him...he is deep in my heart until the day I leave this earth. For my own well being I need to let go of and stop loving him as a husband because of where we are at now. That's where I struggle...I mean as silly as this sounds, we are still married. Even if we don't act it, neither of us wants to end it - and we both have very strong beliefs about being faithful to each other in our marriage. Neither of us wants out because of an external relationship. If you read the above mentioned blog hopefully you can see he is struggling with deep-seated issues that are causing unhappiness in his life. This wasn't an easy choice for him to make anymore than it has been an easy thing for me to accept. Because of those things it may be a while before we move in a direction of resolve - I believe this is "our" way of working through the rough times. Where we will finally end up is still yet to be seen.View Thread
Leslie - I was about to start a discussion regarding this very topic. I'm struggling to let go, to stop loving him. Married 11 years, together 14. It's just not that easy...as you alluded to. It is much harder knowing he doesn't want to be married, yet he's dragging his feet to file or move in that direction. I don't want to be the one to do it...not what I want after all. I know it sounds silly, I'm just not convinced it's over between us.
I do see the benefits of letting go and moving on, I'm not ready to do that. I get the feeling he isn't either - I guess that's why I'm having a hard time letting go. In the meantime I am practicing compassion with myself, and reaching out to ppl. Although it's been kinda rough because I don't have any close friends who have experienced a divorce. But my friends are supportive just the same. I come here and other blog sites to gain perspective on divorce...it does help to know what others have gone through and handled things. I'm starting to participate in more activities for myself and with others. I'm starting to cook again and enjoy it - which feels great! But most nights I am lonely, I miss him, and its a hard void to fill. Not easy to sidetrack those thoughts or feel comfortable sitting with them.View Thread
Thank you Leslie. As much as I've struggled with the passage of time, his waffling behavior, and not hearing his truth in what he wanted, I've realized it has been a great struggle for him to come to terms to do whats best for him. He's not asking out of the marriage for the wrong reasons. I admire and respect him for that.View Thread
Jeremy3456 - thank you for your words. I'm a little ahead of the game, as I've already had much time to reflect, ruminate, mourn, and be depressed. I do feel a huge weight has been lifted. I know I still have a great deal of healing to go through before I will truly be able to "move on". At least I'm headed in a direction now.
He is not the father of my children...but he has been a huge part of their lives for a very long time. Throughout all of this, he's grown distant with them also. I do hope things will come around, and I believe they will in time. I don't imagine we will make a "clean" break...somehow I think we will manage to remain friends and keep in touch.
He's not a bad guy...we've shared a lot of good times. Its sad we have to go through this. Maybe its a mistake, but its time to close this chapter and if we are meant to be time will tell. Right now, it is what is best for both of us.View Thread
Thanks tml...honestly, I've done enough crying for a lifetime over all of this in the past two plus years. I did cry some yesterday...but not so much as I had expected I would. I'm doing ok - I'm sad over this, but I will be ok. This much I know. I have friends/family who are supportive. I've reached out to two good friends who I know will help in any way they can. I have other friends/family, and in time I will reach out to them as well. For now, I come to the boards to get things out. I find it theraputic to talk anonymously and receive the support and caring as well as all the outside perspectives all of you great ppl have to offer. I need time to sort through all of this. It has sunk in...I think I've subconsciously known for some time now this is where we would end up. Believe me, his honesty goes a long way with me. It will help with my healing process. The pain of not knowing was eating me up inside. The pain will still be there, but it is a different kind of pain now.View Thread
Yesterday was not an easy day for me. Some of you know I've been struggling to find resolution with my husband regarding the direction our life together is to take. I've asked for his honesty, and finally...yesterday I got it. I am so proud of him for sharing with me that he doesn't want to be married. It is a sad and painful next step for us. The pressure of marriage has become too much for him. I understand why. Its an area in his life he's had to painstakingly consider letting go of. He needs to take a walk in life on his own and learn how to take care of himself. He simply doesn't know how to put himself first. He doesn't know how to communicate his needs/wants effectively with anyone...not just me. This is not his fault...its something he learned as a young boy - it carried over in his adult life and has become too much for him to bear in our relationship. For years, I didn't understand this was going on. Oddly enough, I didn't know he needed help yet somehow I have helped him.
" I guess I have some weird expectation that people are going be accountable for the things they say or agree to do. When they aren't, there's a "lie" in there somewhere. I've recently expressed the idea of the "lies" his words and actions present with me. He acknowledged his words/actions aren't in sync but admitted the thought hadn't crossed his mind that he was lying tohimself and coming across as lying to someone else."
That passage, I have said before, is the essence of where he is at now. He realizes the lack of honesty he has with himself isn't fair to himself or anyone else...and that it is not his fault. He is worried he won't be able to fix this. Relieving the pressure he has felt in our marriage is a good first step I think. I asked him if he is considering counselling. I've suggested it in the past, and he has used time and money as an excuse. I think what it boils down to is him finding someone he can trust. I hope he works toward that...
I was pretty proud of myself with our heart to heart yesterday. I managed to hold back my emotions, and gave him my honesty as well. We had a good discussion...this isn't where either one of us wanted to end up. This is where we are regardless.View Thread
I am a firm believer a couple can benefit greatly by living together before marriage. However, I don't think its a smart thing to do with a relationship that hasn't developed out of the "oh my god I can't get enough of you" stage. lol!
Once you get beyond that stage, you start noticing things you really like, and things that annoy you. Each person opens up more about it because they are entering the comfortable stage. At this point, its seems it would be better to live separately so each person has time & space to reflect without the influence of the other. But at some point if the relationship is moving in the direction of marriage I think it makes perfect sense to live together.
I think these steps can help a couple on the path to realizing they are on the right track together or not. I've started thinking it might also be beneficial to live separately (if possible) for a few month before getting married - if of course you are living together. And I don't think couples counselling would hurt either...I think these things could help ensure a solid foundation for enduring a good marriage.View Thread