YUP...sure did. Been there and got the burn marks, the "doormat" tatoo on my forhead and the damned t-shirt! Forgive my seething, the pain is kinda recent.
Granted it was kind of a weird scenario...I'm friends with this guy from work. Friends for quite some time and one day he asks me if I am married - yes friends but just friends from work...I work with primarily men. Anyway I said no, having recently been divorced. He asked me what happened and after telling him he says "anyone is a fool to leave you." Then he tells me he is unhappy in his marriage and going through a divorce. Said he was looking for a place to stay...I offered a room at my house, being I could use the extra money and seemed it would help him out.
Right away he wanted involvement...and I shyed away from it because I still had a ways to go in healing from my divorce. We started doing things together over the course of a few months, and my feelings started to grow a bit. We decided to "see" each other, and needless to say I fell in love. Maybe it was completely wrong, but I fell for the things he did and said I felt I could trust again. He tells me he doesn't like his wife, she is abusive emotionally and physically (to him, not the kids). The kids started coming over on the weekends, and it was very apparent how close they are. I distanced myself at first, and slowly we got comfortable around each other. They are great - (boy age 11, girl age 13).
The divorce was progressing...but a few days ago he decided to go back. Told me he misses his home and his kids - he is sorry for hurting me, etc. Thing is, I know how this will play out for him. I don't blame him for wanting to go back for his kids. I just hope I am strong enough to make better decisions for myself when he decides he wants to leave her again.View Thread
First, I commend you both for taking time to think about and discuss the impact a move for either of you would have on your own lives.
I'm curious if either of you have thought of/talked about him moving and either finding work in your area or telecommuting with his current job...with the premise he keeps his house? Maybe as a temporary compromise? I'm thinking that would allow you all live and work where you live currently during the week and would allow you to spend weekends at his house.View Thread
IMHO, it appears half the battle has been won - agreeing to have children. When that will happen is important to consider but at this point more relevant to you. I understand why from what you've shared.
I'm sensing a bit of insecurity on your part that you may want to look at and find your own resolve with. Maybe talk it out with a girl friend, your obg/yn, or a therapist? Perhaps others here will have better insights to offer.
His avoidance is concerning...at this point it may be off-putting to him to discuss a "time frame" because he is not quite ready...if he's getting the impression you are, he may be afraid of disappointing you. I'm not suggesting you don't talk about having/wanting children but rather find a way to do so without creating pressure for him. Does that make any sense??View Thread
Pi - as always, thank you, thank you, thank you. I appreciate the thoughts and advice from everyone here. There are a few who really get thru to me...you are one of them.
I've been hung up on all this change that just happened. There is no dealbreaker issue. The issue is he's not committed to the marriage anymore. I know he loves me - but not in the same way he used to. I don't entirely understand why that changed. But I get that it has...accepting it is what I struggle with, and it does get better as time goes on. Still, anytime I am at the house and alone, when a car drives by I check to see if its him coming "home"...and its sinking in that he is not.
Pi, you said hold him accountable for not being with you and file on your own. That is the cold, hard, truth, staring me square in the face. You're right, the reasons do not matter - the facts are this...he left me almost a year ago threatening divorce, he's strung me along with his waffling, and now he says he doesn't want to be married. Its time for me to serve those papers and let go so I can go on with my life and let him figure out how to deal with his reality.View Thread
No need to apologize...I know you meant well and I appreciate that!!
I've practiced yoga on and off over the last 10 or so years...more off than on lol! When he first left last fall, I took to morning yoga in the comfort of my own home...then I fell on my a$$ in depression and stopped. Later, I joined a gym and did that for a while but finding that oomph of drive to keep with any of it falls by the wayside. I am well aware of the benefits, I seem to be the only pitfall.
I do know the serenity prayer! Thank you for mentioning, its worth revisiting.View Thread
tmlmtlrl - I understand I am not responsible for him. That's my point! I have expressed my frustrations with him not doing his part in all of this! Is it up to me to hold him accountable? Am I supposed to somehow make him take care of his responsibilities?? What's the alternative...for me to just do it? I'm running into brick walls and I am at a loss what to do. So yes, it makes sense for me to file as a push to get him moving on things instead of dragging his feet at my expense.
Me being "fine" or "ok" is what is conveyed through texting every so often when he feels like contacting me. When we are face to face it's a different story. Its hard to smile, but I do try and lighten things up if I can. He knows me well, and he knows when I hold back from crying - that's why he only visits when he is doing ok and then leaves when our emotions get too much for him to handle.
Please don't get me wrong I see where you are coming from...I haven't just not expressed myself with him throughout all of this. I have. I've lost control of my emotions in front of him, I've stated what I want and how I feel many times. I don't feel that screaming or yelling at him will accomplish anything - i do that when I am alone. I get it out so I won't explode in front of him.
Thank you for what you've said/suggested. Especially the yoga classes! View Thread
Leslie, I am very stubborn...the worst kind of stubborn imaginable - so much so to my own detriment. It will break me, and I will end up doing his dirty work. My feeling about all this is that not being married is what he wants. Not me. One life lesson he needs to learn is to stand up for what he wants - if he wants out, running away and threatening doesn't cut it. He needs to be accountable. He needs to file and he needs to pay for it. He needs to put on his big boy pants and do what needs to be done.
And you know what? Even as I write this $h*t I see what an idiot I am. I totally get that if its going to be done I'm gonna have to take care of it. I'm sorry, but it just burns my a$$!!!View Thread
Thanks Stephs - I know its what would be for the best, and I can't bring myself to do it! (SIGH). Even as I was typing up this post I realize I can't keep going on this way.
My kids aren't his, and they are both legal adults. But I get what you are saying...it's probably half the reason why he hasn't taken that step yet.
As it is, I'm tired of randomly getting a text asking how I'm doing...I'm not a liar but for the sake of drama I say I'm ok when I want to scream and hollar how I really feel! When we are together, it feels so akward to me - like I don't even know how to "be" around him. I'm tense, anxious, sometimes withdrawn, sometimes compassionate - but I am completely in an unnatural state of mind. Thinking this is my husband, and at the same time thinking who is this guy??? Its actually pretty surreal and I don't like it one bit. It a really odd feeling of wanting him to be there, but also not wanting him to be there. It F***s with my head. Thanks for the kind words and huggs.View Thread