I'm going to reply to this because it's relevant. A disturbing thing happened this morning and I figured I'd talk about it here, hopefully instead of stewing.
This morning she asked me about a little wooden pocket piece I'd made, with the symbol of the Eight Virtues on one side and an Ankh on the other. It was based on the game I mentioned in my last post here. She said "I don't mind if you are religious but I would appreciate it if you didn't lie to me about it." This bothered me a lot. I am not religious. I don't worship any god or even believe in one. She mistook the symbology on my wooden coin for religious symbology.
Now, this would be understandable - except for the fact that I've already explained where it came from, that the game in question is purely philosophical and not religious. But she still has it in her head that it's religious. Now I feel stupid for even liking the game and the concepts in it, even though I think the symbols are helpful for me to remember the qualities of Truth, Love, Courage, and all the others. She says I don't need symbols or mnemonics for that. Well, what if I like them? Why does it have to be written off as a religious symbol when I've explained why it's not? And then to be accused of lying and being secretly religious?
I told her I'd keep it out of sight because I don't want anyone misunderstanding me, that it was a harmless bit of fan art, for myself to enjoy and private to me. As it is, she won't be seeing again because she's one of those that will misunderstand, apparently. I didn't have a chance to bring the conversation to a resolution because of course it started right when I had to leave for work.
I feel betrayed. I thought she knew me better than this. It probably shouldn't bug me like this but it does.View Thread
I can totally understand that, Deb! It gets complicated when you're NOT overreacting, but they are just using that as an excuse to slack off. My spouse talks about the same thing. She's said over and over how frustrating it is to speak calmly and politely, not get listened to, try again, still not get listened to, then she gets mad and she's finally listened to - and people are like "why are you so mad?" So I get where you are coming from.View Thread
Absolutely true. I'll be checking this article out because it too is relevant to my situation. During the last ten years, my spouse has done a lot of work on herself and actually grown very wise as a person. On the other hand, I have been so busy with work and other issues with running the household that I haven't taken enough time to just think about things, consider things, research into self improvement topics, and grow as well. The main time I do that, actually, is if it gets slow at work and I'm here on WebMD. So she's grown up a lot more than I have, and she started out older to begin with.
What that tells me is, I really need to schedule times to focus on growth and self improvlement. "Me time," so to speak. I need to spend a bit of time on myself so that I can be a better partner for her. And if I don't have the time, I can at least choose to focus on things like this in odd bits of down time, like driving back and forth to work.View Thread
I wanted to share one last thought. It could be that he just has low libido on top of his ED. That can be due to hormonal issues, and some people just get into the habit of not wanting sex. Then it is more of a question of helping them to remember that sex is even a good thing that is to be desired. I've gotten into points in my life where I pretty much gave up on it and focused on other things. It was easy to do, since there is the pervasive message in society that while we all desire sex, sex is really bad and we shouldn't want it or enjoy it. I wonder if there is a bit of that going on here?View Thread
Lose the idea that his ED has anything to do with you. It doesn't. ED is usually a physical problem. It's also really embarrassing for men so they will frequently avoid sex rather than have to go through the humiliation of not being able to "perform."
The best cure is to talk to him about it, but gently. Tell him how much you care about him, and ho wmuch you enjoy him physically, and ask if there is anything you two could do together that doesn't involve an erection. Some men can derive enjoyment without an erection, some can even orgasm. He can use his fingers and tongue, so can you, you can cuddle, fondle, etc etc etc to your heart's content. Knowing that he can satisfy you without having an erection may actually help the mental aspect of his ED, because he won't be tied to having one before he can be sexual.
It would help if you work on seeing yourself as a beautiful, sexy being who is desirable to him. One thing I've learned is that I'm much more desirable to others than I think I am. Just keep that in mind, be confident but understanding, and you might find yourself having more sex than you thought. Then again, there's always medical intervention so his ED may not be forever.
It sounds like he's a really great guy. I hope you have a good relationship with him that lasts a long time.View Thread
Hey Dennis, glad to hear from you. How about figuring out when those bozos sleep, and suddenly taking up an interest in heavy metal? Not completely serious, but they've got to be dealt with some way. Or if they are under you, maybe starting to learn to Riverdance?
That may be part of the difficulty I have. I know I need to keep at things a little at a time but I get panicked by backsliding and that throws me into worse problems. My efforts have paid off for me, SOMETIMES. Other times I am worse off than before. You are right, noticing my progress (and my spouse helps me with that too) is key here. More determination. That's what's needed. And questioning more when I feel criticized.
Come to think of it, I should probably question every instinctive reaction!View Thread
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