Nice discussion! To me, there are different kinds of friends. There are acquaintances, friendly acquaintances, and real friends.
Acquaintances are people you say hi to and occasionally chat with but you don't ask anything of them and they don't ask anything of you. They are just people you distantly know. Not really a friend.
Freindly acquaintances are people you might give a card to on their birthday, and sometimes you can ask a small favor of, or you might do a small favor for them. You say hi, you might call each other now and again, but there isn't any real commitment.
To me real friends are really rare. They are there for you, they return your phone calls, they initiate contact and act like they want to be with you. They give and take advice, they exchange gifts at holidays if appropriate, and they think about what you would actually like to get instead of just picking something at random. They act like they care and they are thoughtful.
I have only one real friend at a time usually and if I have two I count myself incredibly blessed. Currently I'm married to the one I have and I have one person who has risen to the second category. I did let one real friend go because all he would use to communicate was Facebook, and didn't initiate contact. As a new dad though, I understood, and I let things slip. After I did, though, I stopped calling myself friend to him. But then again, I don't get out much.
I have these categories because all my life I've wanted to treat people well, be there for them, help them out, be something like a cross between the last two categories, but I've realized over the years that almost all people stall out in the first category.View Thread
No worries, Dennis- conversation is the spice of life, as they say. It wouldn't be any Pat Conroy novel in particular, but several of them. Beach Music, The Great Santini, and others similar. Pat Conroy is a pretty good writer but he's famous for his portrayal of difficult childhoods and dysfunctional families, especially really mean and domineering dads. I hope the OP understands I mean no disrespect to him. I am not saying that rape is right, by the way, not at all, I am just saying that it is only one of the horrible things that has happened in his narrative. That he is as much of a victim of his father as his wife is of him. Not more so, but just as much as.View Thread
Dennis and Winterglow: to me, being beaten when you try to take a vacation once in more than sixteen years is just as concerning, as is the threat of violence, the "humbling" by a bunch of thugs, not to mention the father still being able to intimidate his son in such a way even when he's in his forties and fifties. As well as the complete bullying as regards his working life and his wife being completely faithless. Not to take anything away from Osiris's suffering, I'm sure it was horrible to live through, but it reminds me of a Pat Conroy novel. I can only say I wish peace (and appropriate legal restraining orders as needed) to all involved.View Thread
I wonder if he's using his anger as a way to get out of doing things he doesn't want to do? At this point, it might not even be conscious.
Definitely read Dr. Leslie's entries, they are good solid advice. I might suggest telling him something like "I love you enough to not let your anger scare me off. I love you enough to work with your behavior and help you overcome it, instead of leaving you. You need to understand that what you are doing is wrong. Together we can fix our relationship. I know that inside you are better than this."
If he talks about any problems you have, listen openly and look deep inside yourself to see if he is right about it at all. It never hurts to improve yourself, after all, and that way he doesn't feel alone in this. He probably has a lot of emotions that he doesn't really know how to deal with.
It's entirely possible that he even feels like a victim, deep down inside. He might not see the ways in which he's contributing to bad situations. I'm guessing here, but he might even have the feeling of being powerless and thus he might be blowing up out of sheer frustration. Anger management doesn't have to be a punishment, like he probably thinks it is, it can give him control over his life and the ability to be happy. Getting this across to him is the tough part.View Thread
Alittlebirdie, you mentioned that your father gave you a whipping at the age of 19. At that age, it is assault and battery and a felony. It may sound harsh, but the only thing a parent like that deserves is a note saying "until you can treat me with respect, as an adult, I will have no further contact with you. Attempts to communicate me with anything other than a sincere apology and an immediate change in behavior will be met with a restraining order."
Deb, it's all right. Sometimes you can put accurate information into a computer and it won't accept it, because of some other problem. Nobody thinks you are being dishonest, and you aren't doing anything wrong. It's not personal. Sometimes it's the website messing up, or the computer, or internet gremlins! I'm kidding about that last.
I used to work technical support and I can tell you with absolute certainty that it is definitely possible for you do everything exactly perfect and yet the website might not let you in. The important thing is, you got back in now, and we're happy to see you.View Thread
Hey Dennis, I'm not doing too bad. The spouse is doing better, we had a bad health scare that had me worried sick, but that passed and turned out okay. Still having way too many fights but they are resolving sooner and aren't quite as heated.
Haven't been able to sell much art, did sell five cards though which was nice. I don't have much new up at the moment, just some pen and ink, because I want to make sure I only put the very best up. I like being able to let people choose whether they want an art card, or a poster, or a print, or whatever on any piece in the shopping section. I think it makes things more accessible to them.
Sorry you had to go through that! I wonder if he thought he was motivating you? After you take Dr. Leslie's suggestions, if you end up wanting to work with him, how about working out and getting healthy as a couple? Assuming you want to stay together, don't you deserve a hot husband too? Or more positively, you both could work toward healthier bodies as you build toward a healthier relationship. Best of luck to you!View Thread
I have to sign in to this site every single day because my computer is set to reject cookies. It could be that your computer is periodically "forgetting" that you have it set to remember you. That will happen more often if you do an antivirus scan or something similar, because those get rid of some of your cookies.View Thread
Hi Deb, sorry you are having so much trouble with therapy. You know what you need and you know how to ask for it. Perhaps a different therapist would be a better fit? I wanted to offer my support (sorry for being late) and let you know I care about you.View Thread