Absolutely true. I'll be checking this article out because it too is relevant to my situation. During the last ten years, my spouse has done a lot of work on herself and actually grown very wise as a person. On the other hand, I have been so busy with work and other issues with running the household that I haven't taken enough time to just think about things, consider things, research into self improvement topics, and grow as well. The main time I do that, actually, is if it gets slow at work and I'm here on WebMD. So she's grown up a lot more than I have, and she started out older to begin with.
What that tells me is, I really need to schedule times to focus on growth and self improvlement. "Me time," so to speak. I need to spend a bit of time on myself so that I can be a better partner for her. And if I don't have the time, I can at least choose to focus on things like this in odd bits of down time, like driving back and forth to work.View Thread
I wanted to share one last thought. It could be that he just has low libido on top of his ED. That can be due to hormonal issues, and some people just get into the habit of not wanting sex. Then it is more of a question of helping them to remember that sex is even a good thing that is to be desired. I've gotten into points in my life where I pretty much gave up on it and focused on other things. It was easy to do, since there is the pervasive message in society that while we all desire sex, sex is really bad and we shouldn't want it or enjoy it. I wonder if there is a bit of that going on here?View Thread
Lose the idea that his ED has anything to do with you. It doesn't. ED is usually a physical problem. It's also really embarrassing for men so they will frequently avoid sex rather than have to go through the humiliation of not being able to "perform."
The best cure is to talk to him about it, but gently. Tell him how much you care about him, and ho wmuch you enjoy him physically, and ask if there is anything you two could do together that doesn't involve an erection. Some men can derive enjoyment without an erection, some can even orgasm. He can use his fingers and tongue, so can you, you can cuddle, fondle, etc etc etc to your heart's content. Knowing that he can satisfy you without having an erection may actually help the mental aspect of his ED, because he won't be tied to having one before he can be sexual.
It would help if you work on seeing yourself as a beautiful, sexy being who is desirable to him. One thing I've learned is that I'm much more desirable to others than I think I am. Just keep that in mind, be confident but understanding, and you might find yourself having more sex than you thought. Then again, there's always medical intervention so his ED may not be forever.
It sounds like he's a really great guy. I hope you have a good relationship with him that lasts a long time.View Thread
Hey Dennis, glad to hear from you. How about figuring out when those bozos sleep, and suddenly taking up an interest in heavy metal? Not completely serious, but they've got to be dealt with some way. Or if they are under you, maybe starting to learn to Riverdance?
That may be part of the difficulty I have. I know I need to keep at things a little at a time but I get panicked by backsliding and that throws me into worse problems. My efforts have paid off for me, SOMETIMES. Other times I am worse off than before. You are right, noticing my progress (and my spouse helps me with that too) is key here. More determination. That's what's needed. And questioning more when I feel criticized.
Come to think of it, I should probably question every instinctive reaction!View Thread
As an addition - I just read the extended blog entry. I will probably read it again later, particularly the suggestions for what to do about the problem. I hate to say it but the different examples of unhealthy thoughts seem like a checklist for what's going on in my head. So I'll keep journalling about it and also try to find creative ways to keep my mind positive instead of being discouraged.
One thing I've been doing that seems to help, at least a bit, is to use the virtue system of a really old Nintendo game to keep me focused on the way I should be. Since I love role playing games, it connects positive actions with the fun I had playing that game. On top of that, all the dungeons in the game were named after vices that I should stay away from, so if I'm in a particularly dark place mentally I can say something like "Oh, it looks like I'm lost in the Dungeon of Despise again. I should find my way out by better embodying Compassion."
That bit of mental window dressing has been making my struggle into an epic Quest, full of monsters of my own devising but with a clear path to success.View Thread
I can relate to it so much that I have to wonder if you wrote it about my relationship! I know you didn't, but it really really resonates.
Though I've managed to admit so far that my thought processes are unhealthy, and I frequently have good insights and recognize my mistakes, I keep falling into the same traps over and over again. It's very much like saying "oh, I see why I fell in that tar pit, I'll walk around it next time" and then walking into it, every single time. Until one day I say "oh, there's that tar pit, I won't walk into it" and I walk well around it, then something distracts me and I dive in headlong! I just want to stay clear of the tar pit!
So I guess I'll keep at it.
I really am interested in hearing how other people respond to this blog entry.View Thread
If you've tried talking to his parents and they behave like this, it sounds like you are in an untenable situation. It also sounds like nobody ever cut the umbilical cord between him and his mother. He didn't have any business getting married and starting a family if he was still such a boy, but what's done is done.
You are doing the right thing by not just backing down and taking it. You are a person and you need to be treated with respect - and your husband should be more involved with his children. If nothing else, so he doesn't lose that precious time with them! It sounds like he does have a fairy tale view of fatherhood.
I echo FCL's suggestion to get counseling. If he goes, great. If he doesn't, still go. At least you'll have some wise counsel and an ear to listen. Good luck!View Thread