I have to agree with FCL. You said your having fun like old times, which is all well and good and i think we can all agree that it is important to have an open relationship with your Dr.
And you have "convinced" yourself that there is nothing there. But does your subconscious believe that? And in regards to your ED...are you ready to go and then when she pops into your head you deflate? Sorry for the harsh term couldnt think of anything else. Do you talk to your counciler about her? That would be the person i would be opening up to about this women and not her herself. I know you both say there is nothing there, but our subconscious is a very strong and powerful thing...your subconscious might not want to leave her, because of the off chance that she could be the one and if you keep opening up to her, she could realize that she is with the wrong person. Your conciler should be the one handling these issues, not your PCP. One she is not really qualified to handle these cases and she is speaking to you more as a friend than a doctor. I am pretty sure your counciler would have some different advice and probably tell you to find another PCP. Like FCL said, you have tried everything else but that and yet you are still having these issues.
I understand that this is all speculation, but you can tell yourself one thing and believe another. You are a smart guy D and you deserve the best.
Thank you for clarifying. You seem to have a really open relationship with her and you can tell her anything. Have you mentioned to her about your issue of thinking of her before you are intimate with a woman?
Another thing is do you feel guilty for telling her how you felt? or guilty because you missed out on "the one". As you said it does get easier to see her as time goes on, which is a good thing. But like you mentioned 4 or 5 times can seem like too much . My point being because you feel like you missed out, do you think of her right before sex, because you wish it was her?
If you do feel any guilt what so ever, you need to forgive yourself, you didnt do anything any other warm blooded male would have done. One of the things I have been working on is when i am with a woman, to try to stay in the moment. I try to focus so much on staying up to the job so to speak, that i totally lose sight of what is really happening. I psyche myself out and i dont pay attention to the woman im with or how amazing it feels.
Completely, off topic and you can answer if you wish...but you said at no point that you felt like your exwife was the love of your life...why get married? And could there be any resentment issues stemming from that, that could be clouding your brain?
I can relate to what you are saying on a few levels, but mostly the performance issue. And honestly it is still something i struggle with to this day...which is not an easy pill to swallow, but im working on it.
In one of your reposts, you said you haven't asked her any personal questions, so i would assume that you have just have brief conversations? Considering she is your PCP, a simple solution would be to find another doctor, out of sight out of mind. I am not ignoring how you feel when you look at her, most us have been there, i know i have. But if you dont know anything "personal" about her, the relationship is purely physical at this moment and perhaps even a fantasy. Considering you discovered she was married and you have good morals not to be a home wrecker, know your not going to persue anything with her, bu you still find her attractive and what normal guy doesnt fantasize about that sexy lady he saw at the store, or where ever.
You also mentioned that she has a hard time looking you in the eye, coming from someone who is very shy and i have issues looking people in the eye. So, is there a possibility that she finds you attractive and she cannot look at you directly for fear of getting caught, of course. Or, maybe she sees the way you look at her and she can sense some sort of attraction and she doesnt want to mislead you, because she is married? And since she is a doctor, whom is very caring, loving person, perhaps this has happened before and this is what type of action she took before to help cut those ties.
I am going to ask you something very personal and if you dont feel comfortable answering on here, i completely understand. But if you dont answer, id really like you to think about this question. Being divorced myself, i experienced a long long time of loneliness and heartbreak, she was the "love" of my life, or so i thought. I think it's fair to say at one point or another you thought that of your ex as well...and guess what you got over her, you're dating again!
But during those times of lonliness, how did you take care of your "primal" urges? For me it was manual stimulation, which is all well and good and perfectly natural. Please understand i am not trying to pass judgement or label you in anyway, this is just my own personal experience...and it has taken a lot of therapy to become this comfortable with it lol. I confided in pornography to make everything happen. But eventually because of how depressed i was, that was the only time i felt happy or when i was drowning my sorrows. So those moments got branded in my brain as "happy" time, so when ever i got down or upset, i'd go to a happy place and block out all of those awful feelings or thoughts. I'm pretty sure Dr. Phelps could back me up on this, certain parts of the brain, begin to rewire themselves and change, so much to the point that my entire perception of intamacy had changed. The long and short of it is, i became addicted to it and i still am, but i am trying to get better everyday.
That is the main reason i mentioned any sort of fantasy, we have seen the movies with the sexy nurse/doctor. My thought is that is what is getting attached in your brain and your trying to keep that fantasy alive and when your with another women, she isnt fulfilling that fantasy that you have created. And certain parts of your brain are attached to that fantasy and they aren't releasing the appropriate hormones during foreplay/sex and your mind gets bored, even though you might be completely tuned into the woman your with.
Like I said, i was in no way trying to accuse or label you of having my issues, i just wanted to relate something that i am dealing with, in hopes it may cause you to look at the situation differently.
Remember, men are from mars, women are from venus...just because we think we know what they might be thinking, we really have no clue!
I agree that not all "red flags" are deal breakers and some of them are. In the past I did not notice some red flags until it was too late, but what that has lead to now is me having a tendency to overanalyze the situation. Which, if you know me, thats never a good thing Mainly because what ever the issue might be, i always find a way to assign the blame on myself, which i know is completely unfair.
I might not have explained myself well enough earlier, in regards to her being a bad communicator. The issue was communication entirely, I was the one who was always reaching out to her. When we were/are around each other, we didn't have any issues communicating. It was when we were apart, so not returning a phone call or a text message. That was the red flag that she was no longer interested in me. I had the feeling she was not, but I couldn't get my heart/mind out of the equation. I kept making excuses as to why she wasnt talking to me.
Then a couple weeks ago, I got the closure that i needed, i saw her out with her new b/f. Talk about awkward, it was a brief hello, followed by a minor attempt at banter. The usual, how have you been etc. Nothing but one word answers and she didnt even introduce me to her b/f...she introduced him to her other friends. I really didn't care, but I was hurt over the situation.
My problem is that I can see these signs, but its allowing myself to actually walk away and get my heart out of the equation. My other issue is setting boundaries, if they are a bad communicator, all i have to do is to let them know it bothers me. But i dont, i keep quiet and i try to communicate more, to see if they will get the point. With out telling them that i feel their communication is lacking, they just probably assume im some psycho(kidding). So does not setting that boundary, make me a bad communicator? In conversations i do just fine, im smart and i can pretty much talk intelligently on a vast array of subjects.
Recently, I was casually dating someone, if you want to call it that...i did post about this earlier, so if you read that, sorry . We both had agreed that we were both attracted to each other and we had fun on the date that we went on, we had fun and agreed to do it again. We run in the same social circle, so we saw each other on occasion. We both work goofy hours so getting together is not always easy. But eventually the conversations became very one sided, either i was initiating them...or she was only talking about herself. Dont get me wrong, buzzers and sirens where going off like crazy in my head. But yet because i was so physically attracted to her, i couldnt pull away. Although every fiber of my being told me so, along with my therapist. All I needed to hear was that she was no longer interested or that we should just remain friends and that would have been enough to severe the ties. Fortunately for me, i was able to run into her, while she was with her new b/f..so that was enough to get the point across.
I guess my point is this, we all have our flaws and short comings, but we need to be able to accept them as part of who we are. When we meet someone who is willing to accept them as well, you can begin to build a meaningful relationship. If we are always stepping on eggshells or afraid to speak up for ourselves, nothing is going to change. You should be able to speak your mind and if it hurts your partners feelings, GOOD! It shows that they love you enough to care and you can always make up afterwords.
Darlyn makes a great point. One other thought, you mentioned you have talked to him about "others" not pulling their weight. I am sure he understands your position on the matter, but perhaps in his mind, he thinks he actually is pulling his weight. Have you specifically talked to him about this subject, in regards to his actions...or lack thereof?
As a guy, I'd love to say that I understand what women are thinking...if that were the case id be a millionaire. But the truth is we interpret situations completely differently. We think differently and we comprehend differently. A woman can ask a guy to do something, with the most clear directions/instructions and odds are he will screw it up, my half assing something.
First things first, if you dont have trust, you dont have anything. Guy logic usually works in this fashion, if your going to accusing me of something, in this case cheating. A guy will more often then not, cheat. Because he knows your not going to stop badgering him over it. Also the fact that you get upset that he even talks to another woman? So when a guy is in a relationship with you, he is not allowed to have any female friends?
You say that you love him so much, but yet the only reason you gave was he was really attractive. If that is your only criteria, you need to reevaluate. I am not saying that you dont deserve an attractive guy, but if thats all your hangingo onto, you should probably let go. From what you mentioned, I would venture a guess that you in reality are more "in love" with his family, because they care about you. That's great an all, but if your (ex?)boyfriend doesnt feel the love or return it, its not really worth your time.
And going thru his phone, then getting mad that he put passwords on everything??? I dont blame him, we all need our own personal space. If in fact he is sleeping around behind your back, do you honestly think he is going to stop? He wont, he will continue to do it, to you and whom everelse he dates. He said he feels like you treat him like "sh*&", sending him cards and buying him things are nice, but not respecting his privacy and snooping around on what he is doing, is like treating him like a child.
So if a couple that has been married for 20 years can get divorced and start over, so can you. Your relationship has been on and off for 3 years and if he is in the military, he probably was station somewhere else or even deployed over seas. Your best bet is to move on, if he has caused you this much heartache in that short of time, just imagine if you spent the rest of your life together? He isnt going to change and you wont be able to fully trust him. So just end it now, deal with the heartbreak and start over in 6 months.
You have made it this far in life so it is fair to say that you are a strong individual, you will make it past this. Just keep your head up and you'll find the right guy who will treat you right and im pretty sure once you meet him, you will forget about your (ex?)boyfriend.
I can completely relate to this topic. In past relationships, all of them actually now that i think about it, i have lost myself or my way. I have mentioned this before in other posts as well. The reason for myself personally losing myself, is because I didnt and still am not 100% sure of who "I" really am. For me its a constant struggle, because I never really gained a voice. I just went about my business and went with the flow. Even most of my hobbies are because another person influenced me to try them. There wasnt a whole lot of self discovery about myself, i just adapted to what other people did and made it my own. Looking back and knowing what i know now about depression, the connections started to go off like fireworks. So for me, not allowing myself to explore different things and just mimic what others did to find excitement, i never found what really excites me. As i got older and began dating that was my excitement, the initial rush of falling in love, etc. But as that wore off, i didnt know where to go from there, thus leading to a boring, complacent relationship, which ultimately would end.
As I am trying discover myself and I have gotten older, I am finding it to be even more difficult now than ever. Mostly because i make excuses, I dont have the time, the money or anyone to do those things with. I know there are groups out there who focus primarily on just that, but emotionally and mentally, I am not ready to throw myself to a group of strangers.
I will try my best to put this information to good use. As you know the biggest step, is getting out of my own way and allowing myself to take risks emotionally. I just need to get used to stepping outside of my comfort zone.
After some thought I do agree that it is a fear of rejection, given that is something I have struggled with for a long long time. And it is this fear of rejection that has lead to my belief that I am not good enough, for anyone, myself included. And looking back at all my past relationships, i have always put their needs ahead of mine, because i was afraid to lose them.
As for the nonassertiveness I would have to say the reason for that again would be the fear of rejection or having a fight. And the fight leading to the end of a relationship, so i would just cave to make them happy and me miserible. Again this isnt just a one time thing, it has happened in every relationship I have been involved in. Perhaps the term Vicious Cycle should make an appearance.
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