I dont know if this is a fear of rejection, i have asked her out multiple times and we havent been able to connect, she has prior plans with friends, etc. Normally in the past i probably would have thrown in the towel, but for some reason i keep persisting. So when she tells me she has plans, i do understand. But if she was as into me as she has expressed, you'd think that she would perhaps break those plans atleast once to go have dinner and hang out. But then again, that's me, i would do that at the drop of a hat. My biggest concern is staying "relevant" and I feel that she could easily forget about me and the fun that we have had together. She is a very beautiful girl, so my self confidence issues are front and center. She is the type of girl who in theory, could have anyone she wanted, but yet, she chose to hang out with me.
As for understand a friend in my shoes, i absolutely would. However I would probably offer the same advice that I am giving myself. As I have mentioned the majority of the times that we have hung out, we have been out socially at a bar. Ideally I want to go out with her in an environment that would be isolated so I could actually tell her how I felt and get a pulse of where she wants this to go. If she wants to just be friends, i am completely fine with that. On the other hand, if she could see a relationship in the future, id be happy with that too. I just need to know so i can do what i need to do for whatever the outcome. Obviously if she chose the friend option, i would be a bit upset and hurt, but id be able to live with that knowing that we could still be friends.
My biggest challenge is that I am a good guy, I am not a player and I try to treat women with the utmost respect. All that keeps running thru my head is "nice guys finish last". But I cant really play that jerk role, that so many women seem to be attracted to. I understand their is a huge difference in being a nice guy and being assertive, compared to being a nice guy and a push over. The latter is what i have been in the past and sadly some of those tendencies resurface and like i said before i appear needy or desperate.
Thanks for your time, I really appreciate your input.
I appreciate your input, the times I have been with her, she is texting and i havent seen her play any of those online games, not to say that she doesnt. I have been talking to my therapist about all of this and that was her suggestion as well, just ask her. I just feel a bit awkward asking because we have only been out once and just basically interact socially. So I dont want to come across as needy or desperate, I dont feel that asking her would imply either of those scenarios, but I dont know how she would perseve that sort of question. The biggest thing I need to do is set that boundary with her and let her know that I do get upset. That being said, I dont do a good job of setting boundaries. I just try to hard to get someone like me, that I'll push my own needs away and focus solely on theirs.
That's exactly my point, they are constantly connected to their phones. So if I am as important to them as they say, you'd think they would return my message. So I guess the real question I am asking is, is she telling me the truth about how she feels? or is she attempting to string me along?View Thread
Over the last couple of years, I have noticed a trend, at least in my personal experiences. The trend being, that the few women I have attempted to date over that period of time and how often they are using their smart phones. I know that this is sadly the direction that communication has gone over the past decade. But what I dont understand is this, why do I always see women texting/tweeting etc. on their phones. And yet when I personally text them, it takes them a while to respond? But in a social setting they can't seem to put the phone down for one second. I understand that they have lives and I have tried not to get hung up on this issue, but it is happening again. We text every other day or so, nothing serious, usually just playful banter. But when I ask a more serious question, it takes hours or even a day or more to get a response. I have tried picking up the phone to call, but given the conflicts in our work schedules, that can be difficult. I left a message and gave her the option to either call or text me back, which she did after she got off of work.
We have went out only once, but we have known each other socially for sometime and we have hung out since our date socially. There is an attraction to each other, physically and mentally(at least on my part). Since our first date, which went over well and we both agreed that we would like to see each other again and soon. Since then I have asked her out a couple more times and call it bad timing, but she already had plans, no biggie. But her response, is always, we will get together real soon. She is a couple years older than me, so i guess i am expecting some level of respect, that if you reach out to someone, you should at least acknowledge it with a response. And NO the response doesnt need to be immediate.
So after all that, is there any logical reason, as to why the last 3 or 4 women i have dated have acted in a similar fashion? Constantly on their phones, but yet, it takes them forever to get back to me, if ever at all.
Yes I played sports, i dont know if i would use the word excelled, but i was good. I had offers from smaller colleges to play, but it made more financial sense to give up the sports and go to a state school and focus on academics...or so that's what i told myself.
As for a sucessful marriage, i wouldnt totally say that, we had a great relationship and shortly before we got married it all fell apart. We hoped that getting married might reignite the "spark" but sadly it didnt.
Recently it has been brought to my attention that the reason I hold onto the past is a defense mechanism and i totally agree. The reason i dont let go of the past is because i use it to shape all of my current judgements/decisions. I take all of those horrible memories and use them to shape my future. I understand how completely assanine this sounds, but unfortunately its how my brain processes things. I wish i could turn it off. That being said, i am always jumping to conclusions and anticipating the outcome with out even going thru the paces. In short, i am scared of the unknown, so by drawing a parallell to something i have been thru, it helps ease my mind, mainly because i will convince myself it is a waste of time because the outcome will be similar to what happened before.
So the common theme is that I have a defeatist attitude. As i said i appreciate the things you have said and the tips you have offered. But in my mind because you dont personally know me, i dont take them to heart. That has nothing do with you, i do it with everyone who tries to offer me comfort or a boost of self esteem, family included. I have a belief that family is supposed to say those types of things because they are family. That their intentions may not be the most genuine or honest because they dont want a family member to hurt. And rightfully so, I dont want a family member to hurt or see them sad. But then again, i feel that i deserve to feel this way.
And what is the saddest part, I know there are so many millions of people out there battling with depression, who have it so much worse than i do. I dont have big problems, but i let them eat me alive.
As i said many times D, i really do appreciate your input and your upbeat attitude. I truly do wish you all the best on your journey.
I wont lie man, as a male im actualy offended. I havent been keeping up on the initial post, but after a month of dating. You might be able to go out 3 times in a month for two adults who work full time. And honestly if you are sleeping with her after the first couple of dates, the relationship is probably not going to last. But I have a feeeling you know that, given you seem to be an expert in hit it and quit it.
And if im coming out of a 25 year marriage and i start "dating" someone, she better damn well be open to me about seeing other people or casually dating. Because if we start to get intimate, you best believe I will be the only one "hitting" that.
I dont know, maybe it is more of a respect thing? Respect for yourself, that you can keep it in your pants long enough to get to know someone before you get intimate. Odds are if things are going well enough during that first month of dating, opportunities will present themselves. And if your freshly divorced i know you will have "needs". But after being with one woman for 25 years, you might be a little gunshy as well, so its about respect for the female to. If you explain to her that you do like/care about her but you dont want to rush into anything because you dont want to ruin a good thing. they will probably understand.
Although i am not a woman, but logic would lead me to belief that self exploration would be most sucessful. That way, if you know what your looking for you can help guide your partner to your spots. Having many sexual partners, doesnt make sense in terms of "finding" your erogenous zones. Everyone goes about sex differently, just because one guy might give you pleasure, a different guy doing the same position, etc. may not.
In terms of a long monogomous relationship, well they have lasted for one reason, they probably communicate with each other very well, in and out of the bedroom. So if he or she wants something different, they arent afraid to ask, hopefully in a tactful mannor.
Hopefully, you begin to explore your body, after all, you own it, you should probably learn the lay of the land You never know, you might have to start giving guided tours.
Thanks again. I wouldnt say my personality is avoidant, at work i am a very out going person and as mentioned before can carry on a conversation about almost anything. But personal and professional are two different animals all together. I wouldnt say that i try to avoid loving myself either, there are times that I do, although they are few and far between. I would prefer to say incapible of loving myself, at least for now. Like i mentioned before, I would love to be able to see myself through other peoples eyes. But that just isnt my reality right now. With out getting into specific details about my past, I can give you a few reasons why i dont/cannot. I know that i am human and that all humans are imperfect and we all make mistakes. I just have a very hard time letting go of the past and those mistakes, they haunt me every day. Whether it be a career that I feel I am over qualified for and thus underpaid(yes im thankful to have a job). The fact that I had a failed marriage, i realize that many people get divorced. The fact I got divorced was primarily my fault, i am not accepting 100% of the blame but a majority of it. And a handful of other short comings that probably shouldnt matter to me nearly as much as they do. When I look into the mirror I dont see the attractive, confident, intelligent and sucessful person that I always thought i would be. So you asked what i see when i look in the mirror i see a failure. The word may seem harsh and it probably is, but thats what i see. Growing up i played a lot of sports and excelled at them, some might call me a natural athlete. Giving that background i had a black/white world engrained in my mind, that being winning and losing. So now, i tend to look at life in a very black and white manor, sucesses and failures. I wish i could create a gray area, actually i have, anything that is not a sucess is a failure to me. No matter how close i was to being sucessful, if i didnt acheive my goal, it wasnt worth it. Granted I tend to set unreachable goals, thus setting myself up for failure. If i set a goal that is not so lofty, i tend to not really try. Again setting myself up for failure. The fact of the matter is that i am lazy and i procrastinate, again this is something im trying to work on.
As far as getting distracted by a beautiful woman in a bikini, i find that a far cry from ADD. I am pretty sure most men would find that distracting. Im talking about not being able to focus on the task at hand or not being able to really prioritize by importance. And when i do over come that, it is very hard to stay motivated for a long time.
I appreciate your feed back and i know i am not alone I am trying to work at the "positive" self talk. But I have always beaten myself up with negative talk, about how i am worthless, have nothing to offer or just plain old ugly. so when i try to do the self talk, it doesnt last very long because deep down i feel that i am lying to myself. And if i know i am lying to myself, i will believe it, whether it is true or not. More often than not, it is the negative talk that is untrue. But i have conditioned myself to believe it to be so.
I would love it if i could become the type of person who just said hello to everyone, but in reality thats not me. I am ok with that, but i would still like to be more out going. After all i am a friendly person and when I give myself the chance i can pretty much have a conversation with anyone. As long as it is something i want to talk about, if not, i tend to zone out and my mind will start to wander. have often thought in the past that i might have a hint of ADD to go along with my depression. All i can do is keep moving forward and hopefully one day ill be able to look into the mirror and actually love who is looking back.
Thank you, I have been making strides. Problem being is that I do consciously think of my fears and in doing so I tend to "see" the outcome before hand. Given my lack of confidence and my depresssion, the outcome is always unfavorable to me, so why try? I do try the whats the worst that can happen game and of course the outcome isnt nearly as bad as I make it. But one of my biggest fears is that of rejection, so when the worst is me being rejected...i tend to shy away, no pun intended.
I have tried reframing the situation to make it seem better, but my mind wont let go of the fact that I just got rejected. These rejections i speak of are both personal and professional. I have tried to envision a positive outcome, but then my pessamistic side creeps up and shuts that idea down.
I really do appreciate your time, have a great weekend!