I can completely relate, this has been something I have been dealing with all of my life. Growing up my parents never let me speak for myself when someone asked me a question, something as simple as how old i was. I never got to shot out, im this many! Over the years I just never found my voice, letting people take advantage of me, because i was to afraid to stick up for myself. As time went on and my depression grew deeper and darker, the next obvious step was a decrease in my self-esteem. So instead of appearing friendly, i would appear stuck up or arrogant, which is completely the opposite of who i am. It became my way of protecting myself from actually having to interact with others. If i appeared arrogant, they wouldnt want to talk to me, because they felt inferior? or i just gave off a very unfriendly vibe. As i have gotten older, early 30's now and after being divorced for several years, i want to put myself back out there. If nothing more, to see i am mentally/emotionally ready to handle a relationship. But this road block is proving to be even more difficult to hurdle. More so now due to my lack of self-esteem and confidence. I am a fairly intelligent person and i speak very well, i shouldnt have any reason to fear what might come out of my mouth. But the shyness has lead to a very strong feeling of self doubt and lack of having anything to offer someone. The more i have read on the subject of depression, it blows my mind as something as small as being "shy" can deeply effect someones life. I am trying to become more out going in social situations and have had some sucess, but there have been dates along the way and a relationship never flourished. None of it was either parties fault, it just wasnt meant to be. But given my frame of mind, I always look to myself to see why it ended. I point the finger at me and it puts me back into that wallflower mode. I have been trying as hard as i can to overcome it and as i mentioned have made strides. All i can do is try to keep moving forward and maybe one day i will be able to be that outgoing confident person i know i can be.
After typing, not sure if this should have been posted here or in the trapped in your mind thread...maybe both.
I have read some of your posts in the past and to be honest man, if you had all the answers, you wouldn't be posting on here. I know your just venting and that's a great way to get things off of your chest. I know that our paths have never crossed and most likely never will. But you seem to pass judgement in a lot of the stories you describe. Not to sound harsh, but you need to take a look into the mirror and perhaps have a slice of humble pie. There is nothing wrong with being self confident, but there is a fine line between being conceited and confident. You claim that your great at your job and I don't doubt that you are, you seem extremely intelligent and well spoken. I myself, have issues making friends and being social, a few people I have become close with, have told me that at first they thought I a stuck up jerk. When they told me that I was floored, because I view myself as very kind and friendly, to hear that was certainly a shock. But as I dug deeper into the issue, I realized that I was acting like a stuck up jerk, to protect myself. Not saying that's what your doing, just trying to relate, because contrary to your belief, you are not the only person on the planet who has these issues.
I am sorry to hear about your loss, but glad that you found out some unknown things about how adventurous her life was, that she wasn't just a sit behind the desk kinda gal. But watching someone slowly pass, is tough to stomach. But saying that person is a burden? And you lost interest in her? That is extremely self absorbed, don't you think? Put yourself in her shoes, would you want people to feel you were a burden? I'm going to assume your response is something along the lines of, "I am already am a burden or their wont be anyone close to me, to care." I guess since she didn't serve as a benefit to you, who needs'em right?
And being stood up sucks, I am truly sorry that happened. No ONE and i mean NO ONE, deserves that. But maybe when you were chatting with this young lady, she caught a wiff of that arrogance and she decided she was better off. She probably assumed you'd never show or if you did, you'd never call again.
Again, sorry to sound harsh. You know what, I am not sorry. Since you have all the answers I am going to leave you with a quote from Socrates.
"The only true wisdom is in knowing that you know nothing."
Guilt can be a very powerful thing and over time it can take its toll. I guess my question is, how did YOU give up on your ex? You stated that your counciler asked him point blank if he thought it would work and he said he wasnt sure. It also sounds like he was having an affair, you mentioned other women. You went to counciling, you got on medication to help you feel better. It sounds to me that you did put a lot of effort into this. It seems to me that he was the one who gave up. And based on the texts he is sending, he is the one who is feeling guilty now, because he knows he screwed up. And he is trying to make you feel bad about the situation because he knows you will blame yourself. The wonderful thing about divorce is that his problems are no longer your problems. I understand you still can have an emotional connection with an ex, you were together for a long time. But his health, mental or physical are no longer a concern for you. I know it sounds harsh, but thats the fact of the matter. When i got divorced, i blamed myself for several years, became suicidal and my life began to spin out of control. Did my ex ever once try to help? no...because it wasnt her job any more. But as time went on, i realized that it all wasnt entirely my fault...it takes two to tango. So let go of your guilt, the only thing it is doing is preventing you from building a better relationship with your new BF. He is the one that should be getting your emotional support, not your ex.
And because your taking an anti-depressant, doesnt mean you are letting god down. Taking a more extreme measure would be letting god down. There is nothing wrong with feeling guilty, its a human emotion, but its how you handle/process the guilt that can be the deciding factor. We are all human, we are all flawed and we all make mistakes. But letting that guilt build and turn into something toxic will just make things worse. I am sorry to hear that your copay went up, but having someone you can talk to can give you some great advice on how to process those guilty feelings.
...continuation...God help us all! There is no responsiblity placed on our children anymore. There was a day that when a child got a poor grade on a test, that he had to answer to his parents, probably get grounded or punished in some way. Now if a kid gets a poor grade, its some how the teachers fault, they probably have an ax to grind with their kid. So the kids sees he/she can do what they want and their parents will come to their rescue. They wont learn that an education is important or that school is a great way to make friends and discover who you are.
I agree that bad people exist and no one is perfect. But if a bad person wants to kill or hurt someone they are going to find a way to do it. So banning guns is not the answer, McVey used fertilizer and a rental truck. 9/11 was airplanes, which they used box cutters to hi-jack. People get beaten to death in hand to hand combat. And as i said before, the media isnt doing us any favors. The media loves a bad guy, they will squeeze every rating they can out of a story, before casting them into oblivian. If our founding fathers would have known what the first amedment would have lead to, they probably wouldnt have put it into the bill of rights. On that note, who knows what they would have thought of the 2nd amendment as well. The media needs to leave these poor people alone and let them deal with this tragedy and move on with their lives.
You may agree or disagree with my rant, but thats how I feel, I know i dont have all the answer, or any at all. But I truely believe that if we raise our children better, we will be able to minimize these monsters from commiting these horrible acts. If your a parent, I am not blaming you. Like there are bad people, there are bad parents, so if we can pull anything away from this tragedy. Maybe we should take every moment like its our last, if you havent spoken to your sibling or parents in a while, call them and tell them you love them. You never know how much time you have left.
If you managed to read all of this, you deserve some type of award.
Words to describe this tragedy are hard to find, my thoughts go out to all the families and victims of this horrific event. I do not have any children, but i was raised by a teacher and many of my friends are in education. So I immediately thought of them.
Over the past few days since the event, I have seen many postings on social media as to how we should fix this problem. Many of them included having armed guards at the schools, as well as giving teachers the proper training to conceal and carry. My question would be, where would the education system get the funds to pay for an armed guard? the education system has enough trouble paying its educators. And arming the teachers, sounds like a good idea, in elementary school, but what if you get into highschool or middle school even? The kids are sometimes bigger than the teachers, so they could in theory over power a teacher, steal their weapon and shoot up the place still. Granted if every teacher is carrying maybe 20 plus people dont get killed, but one innocent life is to many.
As for locking all the doors except one, would violate firecodes and even if you can open them from the inside, all you need is someone on the inside to let them in. Watch the movie "Lean on Me" and you'll get my drift.
What I am about to say is no way a justification, but has anyone every wanted to find out, how this kid got that way? Many of the people who commit these acts arent loners by choice, they try to make friends, but dont fit in. Or they are picked on or bullied for being different. Kids in general can be pretty mean to each other once they reach a certain age, not realizing the emotional/mental harm they are causing on someone. That being said I agree that the media has done their best to make this person into a infamous celebrity. They post his picture all over the tv and talk about him for days, weeks on end. All it takes is one other kid who was bullied or harrassed to see this and try to one up him. I mentioned "Lean on Me" earlier, Morgan Freeman starred in that movie and released a very real statement in regards to this shooting, most of his angst was pointed at the media.
Is banning all guns a good idea? NO. But limiting what a person can purchase should be something considered. I do not own a gun, i have fired one and enjoyed it thouroughly. But i never once was like, i need to get me one of these, just not my thing. I have many friends who are gun owners and they are responsible. I strongly feel that a civilian has no need for an assault rifle or an automatic weapon. I am pretty sure i have never heard anyone going deer hunting with an M16 or AR 15. Sell hand guns and hunting rifles.
I read an interesting statistic the other day, in the past 35 years or so, there have been 62 of these mass shootings. 49 of them were done with a legally owned firearm. So for the millions of responsible gun owners, there are 49 of them who were not and innocent people died in the process. People who probably didnt even know the shooters name. So clearly something needs to be done. And the NRA is trying to pass the buck on to this kid's troubled mental health. Which is absurb. I know guns dont kill people, people kill people. Its funny that one of our vice presidents could be seen as an irresponsible gun owner, shooting a friend in the face with bird shot, is pretty irresponsible, isnt it? What if they were shooting larger game and now quail or pheasants? He would have blown his head off.
Gun control/reform, is not the answer, because it wont happen. Screening every student for mental illness is just to tall of a task. The end to these events starts at home. Teach your kids to respect other indivuals and their peers. Most are raised with such a lack of respect, that is mindblowing. Teach them please and thank you to start. Have them call their elders, Sir or Ma'am. But how can this happen, when most kids now a days dont even respect their parents....continuedView Thread
Thanks Doc for including women into this mix too. There are people who just dont connect with people emotionally or if they can, the know how to turn it on and off. Like Dennis i am the complete opposite, i get attached. There are times I wish i was more like those people, just be able to hook up and move on with out caring. But thats not who i am and we cannot change who we are no matter how hard we try. Your young, you have your entire life ahead of you, enjoy it! You will find that special someone.
Sorry that she seems to have put an abrubt stop to your long relationship. One thing I have learned is you can never try to figure out what someone else is feeling or going thru. When we start to disect those situations our minds lead us down all sorts of paths. Some good and some bad, but probably the wrong path. She has her feelings and her issues, hey, we all have our issues. You said that she is dealing with depresssion, there really isnt a cure-all for that disease, you learn to deal and cope with it over time and manage your feelings better. So sadly that will be a part of her life for as long as you know her, its just how she chooses to handle it. You mentioned that you were going to see someone about being ADHD, good for you for stepping up and trying to get help.
The one thing that stood out to me was that she asked for a break. I know its a tough pill to swallow and no one likes being "rejected" by someone they put almost 7 years of their life into cannot be easy. But she wouldnt have asked for the break if didnt feel she needed it, so give her what she needs, space. I know you care about her deeply and want her to be well. But the urges you get to reach out to her, you may need to pull the reins back and give her that "space". Im just speculating, but she could read those texts or emails as a way of controling her or what ever. Where it is coming out of a place of love from you, who knows what she is reading into it. So let her do the initial communication, you can reply to her. I understand that it might be weeks or months before she reaches out to you, but if during that time she is getting help and working on getting better than thats a good thing. If she is not getting help and is staying in that same funk, you might want to cash in your chips and move on. It's obvious that you care about her deeply. If she cant see that, thats her problem, not yours.
As someone who suffers from depression, you cant be forced to get help, its something you want to do for yourself. You cant go into therapy for someone else and expect to heal yourself. You need to go for you and only you. Therapy isnt easy, you dig up a lot of past memories and while working thru things you may resent some people whom you love. But while working thru all of those issues you find that you do truly love those people.
Best thing you can do is just be their for her and focus on healing you. Because no matter what happens between the two of you, you want to be your best person for the only person that matters, YOU!
All men cheat? Thats a pretty bold and blanketing statement, dont you think? Thats like me saying all women are crazy. If we are going off of personal experience then the both of us are probably right.
Sorry to get sidetracked, as for the main topic. Id have to agree with FCL and D, if he isnt opening up about something, then he is hiding something. If he doesnt wish to talk about an event that happened before you two are together, thats fine. But these issues happened while he was with you and you have a right to question him and get honest answers. The fact that he is trusting you more and being more kind, could be a complete cover up. He might be thinking that if i am trusting her so much and being so much more affectionate, that I must have changed and realized what I had. When you took him back, that gave him a sense of control, that no matter what he does, all he has to do is say, "I'm sorry, I love and miss you, etc" and your heart melts and you take him back. In his mind, he found his get out of jail free card and in the mean time he is probably being more careful and sneaky about the texting.
You mean you cant read minds either??? I thought i was the only one!
Kidding aside, you are absolutely right, if you have known this guy for a long time, be up front and honest with him. It would be different if you might have knonw him for a week and you spilled your heart to him. Let him know where you stand...his response just might surprise you...he may feel the exact same way!View Thread
Welcome aboard! This is a great community with many insightful and knowledgeable people.
I can somewhat relate to your situation, I'm a couple years older than you are and divorced. Its been over 2 years since the seperation/divorce and I have remained single, by choice. Until recently I started dating again, but sadly i am finding out that i am not ready for a relationship at this time. So i totally get the internal battle of keeping your heart open.
Im curious as to the dynamic of your relationship with this guy. Have you been out on any official dates? Or do you just hang out in more of a friendly manor? It sounds like he is a busy guy and I agree with the Doc, you need to keep your mind busy. Its amazing how our minds can start to over think things in a moment or two of silence. You said that you can tell that he really likes you and wants to be with you, does he want to be in a relationship right now?
As for getting led on or turned down again, thats where we can hopefully learn from our mistakes. Its finding that balence of being open, but yet still having some walls up to protect yourself and slowly lowering those walls as the relationship evolves. Speaking from experience, make sure that you go into things with eyes wide open, sometimes in the early stages of a relationship you tend to over look things and not see them at face value. Thats a good way to avoid being led on or possibly hurt in the future.