At first glance i would have said you were over reacting to this, but after reading on i am not so sure. How long have you two been together? Has his cousin fallen on hard times? If she just wants to move out of her parents place and live with you two, then your feelings are justifiable. Also, i dont know if its your anger about this entire situation or not, but you sound somewhat resentful towards your boyfriend. You said that your family isnt very close, im sorry to hear that. But it seems like your bf's family is very tight, i dont really see anything wrong with trying to help out a family member in need, to me thats what family is for. Also, you dont know how this will play out since she hasnt moved in yet, you and her may smooth over those initial speed bumps and become good friends.
I am sorry that he is not paying any attention to your concerns, that in itself is rude. Im just wondering if he isnt worried about your concerns over this matter, what if something else comes up in the future. Will he not hear your concerns then as well?
Hopefully everything works itself out, best of luck!
I can totally relate to your situation, I was/am the same way. Back when I was in college I got involved with a young lady, we dated for almost 3 years. As soon as that relationship ended I waited about 3 months before i started another long relationship that lasted about 3 1/2 years. After that I started dating my ex-wife and we were together for over 5 years, so i feel your pain. Since then I relocated with the intentions of starting over with a clean slate. Its been over 2 years since i seperated from my ex and to be honest i am still hesitant to get into a relationship. I have dated, but with eyes wide open now. Truth be told, it is a great feeling, just being able to let go of that "need" to be involved. Doctor Phelps is right, you need to want a relationship rather than need one.
For me the steps I think that help someone successfully date are; clear expectations/boundaries, open communication, space apart. You know your downfalls in your past relationships, so you need to know how to avoid those early on pitfalls, ie. rushing into a relationship. You can do this by setting clear expectations of what you are looking for or how you want things to go. Obviously taking things slowly will be a great benefit, you can get to know them and see if they are a good match for you. By communicating openly with each other you can keep a pretty good pulse on how each of you feel. If you feel smothered, let him know...or if he seems distant, ask him why. Lastly, give each other space to have their own lives, maybe go on a date once a week at first. See how things go, if you are hitting it off maybe try going out 6 times a month or what ever works with your schedules. Or the opposite of that, if you see its not working out, its ok to break things off. You owe that to each other, no one wants their time wasted.
TML and Dennis are exactly right, she has no respect for you as a person. You need to move on. As for her being "hot" that doesnt give anyone the right to date as many people as possible. I know several "hot" women who are in great relationships and they are loyal to their man, so what makes this girl different? She clearly has issues and she craves attention. And you feed into that by constantly texting her and trying to keep her at arms length because you know she is seeing other guys. Give her a taste of her own medicine and ignore her, dont care about her and see what she does then. Actually, dont do that, just get her out of your life and find a real woman who will treat you like a human being, with respect and dignity. I wish you the best of luck man, but its time to move on from this train wreck!View Thread
First off, you are not the only one who fears sexual humiliation...a lot of men have that fear, me included. Secondly, I agree with your therapist, if i was in your situation, i would have told her to make a decision. If she really cares about you and wants this to work, she already would have made up her mind. And she also could be doing this to have her ego stroked, knowing its driving you mad, means that you care about her. It's clear that you do care about her, but like you said, you shouldnt have to demand her to stop seeing those other two guys.
I am sorry that there is distance between the two of you, i know how that feels and being divorced as well, its an all familiar feeling. But maybe the distance is a good thing, you might be able to step back and evaluate things with fresh eyes. As for the LDR guy, i honestly think he is out of sight out of mind and you are focusing on the closest threat to home, which is logical. In terms of the distance thing and YOU feeling guilty...that doesn't make sense, i understand why you can feel that way. I am assuming that you are beating yoruself up over her not wanting to be with only you and that your doing something wrong. Obviously i dontk now all the facts about your relationship, but you seem like a pretty genuine person. You are reacting in a very rational and level headed way, you did do anything wrong. SHE is the one who should bear any guilt, she is the one with an almost baby daddy and a horny guy chasing after her. Which part of that is your fault? You can what if? or coulda shoulda woulda, its not going to change what happened, she is doing what she is doing because she knows you are not going anywhere. So in her mind she is going to have her fun and let you be miserable, wondering how you can fix this. It's not your problem to fix.
In all actuality we seem to do the same things in relationships at least based off of what i know. I would be in a relationship and i would pour myself into it, losing myself in making her happy. knowing that what ever she put me thru i would stick it out because i didnt want to hurt someone that i cared that deeply about. But over the past few months something changed, i am not exactly sure what. But i dated a bit more than i usually have and at first those same feelings where there...rushing into things to quickly. But most recently i set boundaries, i know what my mistakes where in the past and i spoke with my lady friend and set up boundaries. They might be silly or what ever, but i have never done that in a realtionship before. It felt amazing and if i dont talk to her for a day or two i dont feel like my stomach is going to explode.
I guess what im trying to say is that you seem like a good guy and you dont have to deal with all of her BS and issues. She obviously gets jealous very quickly at you, but cant see the forest thru the trees when it comes to her personal life. In all honesty, if i were in your position, i would have a conversation with her and tell her how you feel, how your hurting and then let her know that you dont deserve to feel like this. And when she gets upset or angry or how ever she reacts, tell her that you need to move on and you dont need all this senseless drama in your life. This is a conversation i would have never been able to have before and i know its easier said than done. But would ending the relationship hurt you more than your hurting now? possibly, but i guarantee that hurt will go away very quickly and you can get out there and meet a woman who is deserving of a caring guy like yourself.
Im going to pose a question, which we probably wont know the answer to, hopefully the doc could give some insight. How do you think she would feel, if she was in your shoes? If you had a close girlfriend who wanted to be with you intimately and you had another person in your life miles away?
You are the person that is there for her, giving her support. The other guy seems like a way to get a free dinner and i need more info on the LDR guy. From the outside looking in, it seems as if she is trying to take advantage of a good guy. I know i dont know all the details, so my assumption could be all wrong and i hope it is wrong. We know what happens when we assume lol.
I agree with Dennis, if she says nothing is going on, then she is probably telling you the truth. Especially since you know about the other guy she is in a LDR with, she seems to be pretty honest with you. As for her bragging, it could be that like Dennis said, she is trying to make you feel jealous or trying to force you into something.
My concern would be that she is in a long distance thing with another guy??? Your not jealous over that? But a guy that she says she has no interest in, it bothering you. Id be more worried about the LDR guy. How long has that been going on? Was she seeing him before you started dating her? Does she visit him or vice versa?
Not to put her in an awkward spot, since she doesnt seem to take questioning lightly, but there will be a point when she has to make a decision, she cant have her cake and eat it too.
Being recently divorced, i know it took me a while to get back on my feet and into the dating pool again. I found myself settling for less just because i missed the companionship, so its up to you to decide if your emotionally ready to enter into another serious relationship or are you doing it to fill a void?
Im sorry to hear about your situation, i can only imagine how hard this has been on you. After reading your post, i started to think about why, he could be in this situation with his ex. When you said that another one of his ex's said you were only after him for his money...typically when someone says something like that, they are the ones after the money and they are jealous that you do make him happy. The baby momma, may have been after his money and she could be using his son as a way to control him. What i mean by that is she may be keeping everything civil with him in the custody battle, but holding over his head, that if you become a bigger part of their sons life than she is, she will go after him money. So he could be doing this to protect, the nest egg that he has. And he could feel embarassed by the situation not to tell you about it, we men have great pride and sometimes we dont want to show that vulnerability. Even to someone who means the world to us, we were raised to be strong and proud...and showing weakness or emotion means we are less of a man. I believe that last sentence is BS but a lot of guys truly believe it. Being vulnerable and emotional is part of being human, its not a sign of weakness.
But as the Doc said, if you find yourself feeling more hurt with him than without...it may just be time to move on. Much easier typed than done, but hopefully you have a good support group, if you do decide to move on.
I appreciate your input. Still havent got a reply to the text i sent, i saw her at her work on sunday and we talked briefly, just usual banter, no talk of hanging out or why she didnt respond. I know she can get busy at times, but when we have hung out and someone texted her or what ever, she was fairly qucik to respond. So that is why i got upset when she didnt respond, I was assuming that she didnt want to see me. Which is perfectly fine, just be a decent person and tell me, so i can stop wasting my time.
I was going to reach out to her yesterday to hang out, i had the day off, but decided against it. My reasoning for that is because i do not want to ask her out and not get a response, i agree that i do need to bring up this topic to her. And just get a feel for where her mind is and basicially just put it out there, that when she wants to hang out, she can get ahold of me. Im not going to text/call if she isnt going to respond, and leave the ball in her court. Once that is said, im pretty sure she wont contact me. If she does ill be shocked and this entire process can start over again lolView Thread
I would have to agree with FCL, moral support at a court hearing is warrented. Also each mother/child relationship is different, maybe he isnt as close to his mother as you are. More information would be need to make a more accurate hypothesisView Thread
Clearly, she hasnt read the bible all that closely, once you are married you are supposed to procreate. What religion is she? I can understand about wanting to save her self for marriage, but seems like thats already game over. Is she against all sex? or just intercourse. I can understand your frustration. You have spent a lot of time with her and you clearly do love her, most guys would have cut and run after that conversation. I dont know what your relgious views are, if any at all. But many churches offer free counciling, see if she would want to talk to her paster/preist/rabbi...etc. with you. That way its non threatening and you are playing on her turf. Get his thoughts on the matter, maybe after she hears it from a man in the cloth, that its ok to have relations. She may relax a bit. Also, how is your relationship with her Grandfather? an outside shot is he may have some disdain towards you and he doesnt want her to be with you...sucks, but it could be true. So he figures if she stops having sex you will be like most guys and leave, but you seem like a good guy by sticking around. I hope you can get this all sorted out and you make it.View Thread