About a month or so ago i met a girl, it started out as us just hanging out over a couple drinks. We decided to hang out on saturday and we spent the entire day together and we had a great time. We would text occassionally and talked on the phone some. We hung out a couple more times after that, dinner and a movie kinda thing, nothing to crazy. But we always seemed to enjoy each others company. We both work and our schedules have been a bit crazy over the past month. A few weeks ago i had a project going on at work that consumed me, but i would still send her the occasional text to see how she was doing, etc. But it would take days to hear a response, where before it was instant or it would take a couple hours. So i made the decision that she didnt want to see/talk to me anymore but she didnt have the fortitude to tell me to my face. Well i went on vacation and when i got back, i ran into her. She was all smiles and was really excited to see me and i wont lie, it was good to see her to. She kept telling me how happy she was that i was back in town and now that work has slowed down a bit that we need to hang out again, and i agreed. So a few days later i sent her a basic text asking how work was etc. its been 3 days and no response. Thankfully, this time i was prepared not to hear back from her. My gut, mind, heart are telling to just keep moving on...I have brought up the topic of her not getting back to me and she just kind of let it go. Am i over reacting? Personally i think if you are interested in someone you would atleast respond to them. So with that logic, thats why i tried to write her off, until i saw her a few days ago. Any advice input would be much appreciated.View Thread
Thanks for the advice, i do write, albeit poetry. Which can be a blessing and curse, it helps get things off of my chest. But when writing it tends to be very dark and grim. So in doing that, i tend to get myself in more of a hole. In all the years i have been writing poetry, i have really only successfully written a cheery poem about twice. But i do see the point in your exercise and it is something i will try to work into my daily routine. In regards to the intelligent/logical person, the book im reading touches on that and it says that alot of people with my type of issues, fit into that mold. And it is our logical/analytical way of thinking that doesnt help our process, because we over analyze EVERYTHING. And in some way shape or form, find a way to find it to be our fault or misdoing. I am guilty as charged for this one. it would be awesome to just turn my mind off for a week or so and just be able to enjoy the things around me with out becoming self conscious of something. I couldnt even relax on vacation at the beach.
The reason i used the word shame, is because thats exactly what it is, i regret something, then i beat myself up over it for a long period of time. I have a very vivid memory of so many events in my past that i have placed blame on myself whether blame was warrented or not. And as time went on triggers developed taking me back. whether it be a song, smell, movie, etc.
During my last tour of duty of therapy, we stumbled on the fantasy bond, which is mentioned in the book im reading "healing the shame that binds you." Since i left therapy, for financial reasons, this is the first time i have since heard that term. As i began to read on, many of the topics began to hit home and hit home hard. I love my parents dearly and they raised me with love and affection. Never in my wildest dreams would i have thought they could have been the source of so much of my pain. My mom was raised by a loving mother and father. Her dad worked in the mills and drank, he was an alcoholic and sometimes he would get aggressive. She also had bouts with depression, growing up I was there for her, Mommy was sad so i wanted to make her happy. Boy if would have known then, what i know now. In doing so i developed that fantasy bond with her. As i grew up, people would ask me what i wanted to do when i got older, my answer was always "help people" at that point it was ingrained in me. But in all reality i had no clue on how to help myself. I moved out for college, she sobbed, like any normal mother would. But every time i went home to visit, it was the same sobbing, i only went to school an hour away. I have not lived under their roof for 12 years and still its the same thing, she sobs when we part. I would think after a while you'd get used to the idea of me being away, i have. And when i go home to visit, she will save things for me to do, because my brother or father wont do them...which i dont think is true. She would always tell me that i was and always would be her baby, i am the youngest, but after a while that seemed kind of weird. Maybe that was her way of keeping me young, while doing so, she never let me develop. She was protecting me, like she protected her mother while she was growing up. I guess what i mean by this rambling, is i wish i could have scrapped my knees a bit more as a kid.
Pi, I appreciate your feed back, its kind of nice to know that my radar isnt to far off. As far as bringing it up, i try to avoid it as much as i can, but the question always seems to pop up. I dont want to sound arrogant, but I am a decent looking guy and i am in good shape, so maybe they wonder why im single? Because the divorce question usually pops up after they ask if im seeing anyone and i say no, i have been asked why not? So that double edged sword creeps up again, either i say, im just not looking for a relationship (to which they assume i am lying, because im not attracted to them or because i have issues, which i clearly do, lol) or i can say, im not ready for one, same assumptions apply, then enter the divorced quesiton. Which i agree with you totally, about just leaving it at divorced. But being a woman, if you are talking to someone whom you find remotely attractive, you wont just let him get away with that type of a lame answer. So they pry, if i say i dont want to talk about it, it seems as if im hiding something, which i am. If i am honest, my insecurities come out and im screwed either way. I know that i do have a lot of unresolved issues with it, but i am working on those. To be honest i am in no place mentally or emotionally for that matter, to really get into another relationship. In terms of delivery, i tend to be a bit on the dry/sarcastic side, so bitter makes sense. Wouldnt be the first time i have been saddled with that title, but i have a lot of walls up, so thats my defense mechanism i guess.
Thank you so much for the well wishes and your time, i really do appreciate your input.
I'll have my lawyer contact you about the restraining order lol...And now your going to make me unpack more of my luggage. making a big deal out of nothing is something i have found i am very good at, especially when it involves me. Thankfully, i was reading a book a few days ago and it really helped me understand many of my issues. One of which is toxic shame, i find a way to shame myself for what ever goes wrong, no matter if i had anything to do with it or not. One way or another ill find a way to burdon the blame. Stupid i know and i am an intelligent person who is very logical, but yet i cant get my mind to grasp the concept that not everything that goes wrong in life is my fault. It is something that i am starting to work on and hopefully one it day it will get thru my thick skull.
Sorry for sounding so judgemental, i didnt mean to come off that way and after i posted, i said shoot there was something i wanted to add and it was just that. I appreciate your clarification and i am sorry to hear about your grandfather. But his advice is spot on. As far as my divorce, it wasnt a mutual ending of the relationship, there were things that i had done, that she deemed unforgetable. No i did not cheat on her or anything of that sort. So my concern is that when i do tell some that i am divorced and that it was more her doing than mine...the obvious assumption would be that im a complete jerk or idiot...insert adjective here. When in all reality im not. Its just amazing that one decision can affect your life in ways you would not have ever imagined.
Sorry it took so long for me to respond, was on Vacation While on vacation i started reading a really good book about healing shame. So to answer your question as to why i dont care or love myself, i would have to say, Shame. To be more specific, Toxic Shame as the author put it. There is healthy shame, that we all feel, when we do something wrong what have you. But Toxic Shame has a way of staying with you and eatting away at you from the inside. As i was reading this book, i felt like i was reading a life story and a lot of things made sense. As to why i felt the way i do and it did offer many theories and ways to help heal your shame. I still have a few sections left to go in the book, so more insight is on the way.
Let me first say that i do enjoy reading your posts, we tend to agree on many topics...Until this one I do agree that you do need to have your best interest at heart, after all, we control our own happiness. I am a few years older than you and I am divorced, it pains me to say that your opinion on divorced men, seems to be fairly standard...sucks for me. I dont have any children, thank god. But after a divorce debt does seem to become a bit of a burdon, but it is something that you can dig yourself out of. I guess my question is, if a guy is divorced, what makes that such a deal breaker? Is that any different than a guy who was with his girlfriend for 5 or 6 years before parting ways?
My next question concerns dating someone with a serious health issues, Im going to assume you mean some type of life threatening illness. Disease is a part of life and you could be with the love of your life and 2 or 3 years into a relationship, they could become sick, god forbid. Would you leave them, because they are now ill? I am pretty sure you wouldn't. So hypothetically, if you met someone and you hit it off and 6 months into the relationship, he tells you that he has a terminal illness, what would you do then?
I am just curious as to how you view those situations. And congrats on clearing up your "baggage"
Im pretty sure we all can agree that ending a relationship can be very difficult. I was reading a book a while that was actually featured on this site, shortly after i had finished. "Anxious To Please," talks a lot about relationships both romantic and with family. The key point that I pulled away from everything was when the author said and ill paraphrase. All relationships eventually end, and when you think about it, it is absolutely true. As Doc mentioned above an ending can be temporary or perminant. There are couples who are together for 50 years, sadly one of them will pass before the other, sadly, that wonderful relationship came to an end. The book talked about how if you can go into a relationship knowing that one day it will ultimately end, it opens up the idea that you can be more free and fun loving, not knowing what tomorrow will bring.
Mike, long distance relationships can be taxing and job hunting and her being in school can make it tough for your schedules to jive. There is an old saying, abscence makes the heart grow fonder. I have been in a long distance relationship and unfortunately it did not work out. Sadly i knew it wasnt working, but i didnt want to hurt her feelings, although eventually doing so. At the end of the day it is only 2 hours, be spontanious, call her on a friday and say, i want to have lunch/dinner tomorrow, meet me half way! If she misses you as much as you say, she should be willing, obviously if she has school or work that could be difficult, but its worth a shot. Best of luck!View Thread
D i appreciate your input and your time, i have forgiven my ex. For me forgetting something and moving on is much easier said than done, i have a very active mind and an extremely strong memory. So something as simple as a song or jingle or smell for that matter can take me back and almost act as a trigger. And my mind is always thinking, not racing, just a lot of thoughts tend to flow thru my head.
As for family and friends, I do care about them, the person who i have a hard time caring about or loving is obviously myself.
Again, thanks for your time and concern, it is appreciated.View Thread