Sorry it has taken me so long to get back to you, I have been so tired lately! (Long Story) Anyway, I happen to agree with what you say! I still can't find it in me to believe in some Deity, or God, if you will?
I started life as a Catholic, but when I was 6, my mom asked me if I liked going to church? I told her no, and she accepted that. Later, in my mid teens, I had a girlfriend that was a Nazarene, and I started going to her church. I did all the praying and accepting, the whole nine yards. But, once I went into the Army, and my mother was murdered, it all made zero sense to me? I asked everyone how they could love anyone that could let things like this, and kids dying with diseases, happen? What kind of God would allow their children to die??? I couldn't believe any more! Oh, I still observe Christmas in a way, for the kids and grandkids, anyway? I guess that would be sorta Pagan?
Once scientist proved God never made the heavens and the earth, or US, I quit believing period! Yep, I sure had a lot of people try to convince me of "His" existence, but frankly, I just don't buy it?! I believe some people got together and wrote the Bible to get everyone to quit robing and stealing, raping and murdering? For the most part, it worked? And then, which belief was the most bloodiest throughout our history? The Catholics! They tried to force everyone to live under their God, and wow was it ever bloody?
So, in my mind, I believe I'm right, while in another's mind, they are right? Who is really right? As long as no one gets hurt, who cares? I won't try to force you to like my way of life, but I don't, and won't let anyone else try to make me believe in their whatever?!
I knew it, I just knew it!!!! SLACKER!!!! LOL!!! No way! I am so glad to still have my friend!!!!!!!!
I know exactly what you mean, I had one of those in the D.H.S. office once, and they could have cared less? I laid there on the floor with a headache from hell, and everyone just walked around me. When they called me I asked if I could go later, they said this is your appointment time, if you don't come now, you can forget any help from us. REALLY? Why, yes, that is exactly how they treated me! I sat in the chair not even hearing much of what she said, but she cared not one whit. It finally went away, and the doctor I went to see later, did all the tests and said he couldn't find any damage. thank you, thank you!!!
I am so glad your doctor didn't either!!!!!
I don't want to lose you just yet, and neither does this community!!!!!! Lorene, such a pretty name!
I know you care, we all do! This is our community. I hope all those Dr. appointments go well for you?! Please let us know how you are doing, or coming along? Sort of a progress report, eh?
Michelle, I don't know what we would do without you here? Even if you don't post very often, you are still a huge part of this community, and my friend on top of that!!!!!
I am always impressed by the wisdom behind Dr. Leslies words! Everything she has said to you, and what both Roh and myself have said to you, I'm sure we all want you to be happy?! Even if it means leaving this toxic relationship for a life of your own, we will be standing right behind you!!!
As we have all said, it is time for you to evaluate your situation, and take any steps towards a better future for you, and you children. If that means you have to tough it out there for awhile, so be it, but keep your eyes on YOUR future, and your childrens future!
I have to hope this situation doesn't take many years to to get past? You really do deserve better!!! No one ever wants to be treated like what he is treating you!!! So, the sooner you can improve your own life, the better!!! Don't ever fear your own decision making process, this is your life time to live and live it like you want to!!!
Please remember this, our little community here is for your support! Whatever you need, be it just someplace to go for helpful resources, a place to feel support, or just a place to vent, we are here for you!!!
Thanks for choosing our community, we welcome you with open arms!!!
Hi FCL, I think you have handled this issue beautifully! You and your hubby have an excellent marriage together! As a fellow Atheist, I believe you handled the christening of your daughters in the right way! You have given them the choice of choosing religion, or not. That is always a good way to handle this situation!
Thank you for your thoughts on this matter, because it is one of those things that should be a personal choice!
WOW!!! How you could have stayed with him after the first child, is beyond me? After that first rejection, you should have cut your losses and left him! And yes you can leave his house, and his lousy attitude towards you! Ever hear of a woman's shelter? Don't you have any family, friends to help? You could ask your church for help, the county/city where you live? They have funds for housing if you have low, or no income. I haven't thought about this for some time now, but, you do have resources available to you if you ask for them.
DO NOT worry about the kids, this is the time to think about yourself! Believe it or not, children are very resilient, and more perceptive than we give them credit for? So, love this idiot from afar, and save yourself from more heartache!!! You can't change him, especially if he doesn't want to!!! From what you have told us, he doesn't want to change.
If you fear leaving in a hurry, go to D.H.S. and apply for everything they have to offer, even the housing. They can hook you up with a lawyer so he can't just take the babies away from you. Plus, anything else you need legal help with, you know, like child support from this dead hearted guy you are sleeping with? This THING has taken advantage of your love for IT, and is using you, and abusing you! Please reconsider these feelings, hopefully, it is just infatuation? Anything is better than having love for this dead hearted THING?!!!
Once you get all your ducks in a row, leave this THING and get out!!! Oh sure, you could try therapy, or counselling, but he will probably not want it, or even care to change his awful behavior towards you? I'm sorry! I know you love this guy, and you keep hoping he will finally see you as his girlfriend, but I think you know deep down that he never will? It is time for you to let IT go! Grieve your loss, then find the man that you are meant to be with. He is out there, just waiting for you to come to grips with this lost cause? Take the babies and RUN!!! Your first stop should be the D.H.S. office where you live!!! They can help you out, but you have to be ready for that help? Remember all the denials, the locked phone, everything, then what will you do about it? RUN!!!
Again, I am sooooo sorry for you! As a male, I hate to see cases like yours! I realized much too late how I was hurting my ex wife, and I consciously made the effort to change, and I have. Your guy never will with you! He is a lost cause because he never loved you in the first place?! Leave him, grieve over him, but please don't hurt yourself any more than you have too? At least talk to the D.H.S. okay?
I hope this all works out right for you, I really do!!!
Myself, I would have to say I lost my faith when my mother died? I questioned the existence of this "GOD"? that we worship? The only thing I could think of was what the ancient Indian ancestors called God was actually their grandfathers. I read some books on the religious practices of our old ancestors, and that is what most thought was true? We actually are worshiping our ancient ancestors, or Grandfathers? Grandfather eventually morphed into God, as far as I could find out, anyway? Well, no, that is my opinion, anyway? Some of those ancestors of ours, if you have seen any westerns, called the sky our father? You know, as in Wicka where they still worship Father Sky, Mother earth???
Perhaps it really does boil down to FAITH???
As far as I'm concerned, everyone has the right to worship whomever, or whatever they want!!! Just please leave me out of it!!! Dr. Leslie's blog is in more detail, go check it out, think about it, then give me your thoughts, and we can discuss them, if you like?
That is not what I was hoping to hear! I'm so sorry for you I could cry myself! I did the same thing to my ex-wife, I had E.D., still not an excuse for neglecting her, I know that, now?! If only I had had the courage and trust to include her in my problem, we would probably, well, maybe still be together? She changed sooooooo much when she saw the money she was making?! She waved it over me like a flag. She would tell everyone that she made more money than I did, and that I didn't even work. I would have to tell them it was her fault I didn't work, cause she wanted me to be the Mr. Mom around the house, and kids, of course?! I have to admit, I loved every minute of it!!! I had the kids all to myself for up to three months while she was away making all that money. I wouldn't change much of that time, except I would not be drinking so much?!
I wish there was some kind of pill to stop someone from cheating, but there isn't one yet!? I'm sorry for you, mostly, because you sound like an amazing person?! You have done nothing wrong, I hope you remember that, always!!! I wish I knew why my ex cheated on me, but I was never told, and I don't want to know any more?! I got so tired of waiting for that reason that never came, so I let it drop. I stopped caring, and stopped crying! Has your soon to be ex ever really told you the why of his cheating??? I don't mean the "I only see you as a mother" lie, I mean the really why?
I have to hope you find the happiness you deserve!!!
I know Dr. Leslie will have the right answers for you!!! I just wanted to chime in here and tell you something. We all see you women as "MOTHER'S", once you have babies with us!!! The thing to remember though, is this; you are still our wife, you are still the lover I fell in love with!!! At least, that is what I remembered, anyway? Just another one of those mindful things we need to be aware of!!!
Yes, Smiley, you can be many, many things all at once!!! Mother, Lover, Wife, Friend, Family member, Student, etc. etc. Now, isn't that something?! I'm so sorry your own husband can't, or couldn't see this in you? I'm sure you saw him as Lover, Best Friend, Husband, Father to your children, etc. etc. Right? I am sorry for you, Smiley, you married an Oaf! A Cad? A Dud? A Cheater for sure! I just, no, I do hope you know that not all of us men are like that?
Your hubby, if he really wanted to, could, and would do anything he could, to change into the man you had thought you married?!!! He has to see you as all things to him, not just the Mother to His Children?!!! Now, the hard truth; his seeing you as only a Mother, is BUNK!!! That, is his way of blowing you off so he could get away with his cheating! I know this, I heard my friend use the exact same lie!!!
Smiley, if you still want to stay with this, this man? Well then, you are going to have to show him, you can't just tell him?! Be spontaneous! Meet him at the door after work wearing nothing but an "come hither" look in your eyes. Take him by the hand, pull him good naturedly to the bedroom, then make love to him like he has never been made love to before? If that fails to work, then your marriage might as well be over?!
I hope for your sake, not his, that you can make him "SEE" you as the woman he fell in love with at the beginning? If he is really done with his cheating, then he will be your's again?!
Smiley, I hope you know that it wasn't you? You did NOT force him to have an affair? You are NOT responsible for his thinking, nor his actions? HE did what he did all on his own!!! No amount of discussing EVERYTHING would have helped? He did what he did because he WANTED to, NOT because he only THINKS OF YOU AS A MOTHER?!!! No amount of anything you could have thought of, could have stopped him from doing what he wanted to do?! I just hope you know that?!!! You did nothing wrong!!!!!!!!! He did the wrong!!!
I hate being the one to point these things out, but being the only man here, has made me want to help you see things from his perspective? HE, and only him, did YOU wrong!!! Your husband cheated on you! The only way you can possibly fix this is by getting him to admit he made a mistake? And yet, you caught him at how many of these "mistakes" now??? He is the one that needs to make this marriage work, not you!!! You have done all you can, now, leave it up to him? Tell him the ball is in his court, and see how he handles this? He needs to take responsibility for his own actions, not put them on you! He did you soooo wrong by saying he only sees you as a mother!!!!!
Okay, I keep repeating myself here. I am just sooooo sorry for you, Smiley, not him!!!!! You sound like an Angel, for wanting to fix this? You have to get him to, you can't fix him?! I'm sorry for saying all of these things to you, but I wanted you to see/know deep down, you can't fix him, therefore, you have to get him to?! If he still wants this marriage, then he is the one that has to fix it, not you, please, please know that, okay?!!!
On behalf of most men, I apologise for his actions!!! They are not the actions of a real man!!! He should have come to you, he is the man, supposedly? I know, I should have done the same thing in my marriage, but I was too immature to tell her?! I was to insecure to trust her!!! It was all my fault, yet I blamed it on her?! I would never do so again, ever!!! It is all about the trust level?!