I am so sorry, i never saw this comeback! I really like what Roh suggested, i have to do that all the time! If i don't write it down, i can turn around and completely forget it in that next instant! My short term memory is kinda like Swiss Cheese, holey!!! So, i have two different things here at my desk, that i can write on to remind myself. I have my pad of Sticky Notes, (you should see the wall inside the cubby hole for my screen, its all yellow from the notes, lol!!!) and i have a small writing tablet! I have one of those metal desk organizers full of pencils and pens, so i never have to worry about that, either! It works for me, it might for you, too? I am sure your therapist can help you out? If you get stuck along the way, you have to ask someone to pull you out, right? Ok, same principle applies here! What does the Bible say??? "Ask, and ye shall receive", is that correct? The only dumb question is, the one not asked!!! They are there for you! Use them! Any help is better than none, right?
Please keep coming here Deb, i think a lot of the answers you are getting, should help in some way? We, all of us here, WANT you to feel welcome, and that we help in some way?!
I have to go, i hope i hear back from you by tomorrow? I also hope you have an awesome Easter Sunday!!! Now, get out there, and find me some Easter eggs!!! LOL!!!
I hope your Friday blazed past? Here it is Saturday already, and i still have not found a tire?! It looks like i may have to buy one myself, from maybe Walmart, or something? I have a Walmart credit card, but i was hoping to get that back down to around a hundred first?! That would have to wait now, i still have over $240, i think? My limit tho, is $1.900., but i don't want it that high, that's for sure!!! Hopefully, something will come up?
I have been invited to sup Easter dinner at my bro's house. I am thinking of going? I almost hate to, his wife's child of 11, and her granddaughter of 9, pick at each other the very second they are in the same room together. Each one has to have the last word, you know how that goes?! They fight and bicker constantly, holler and scream at each other, even get physical at times! I know she's afraid of D.H.S. but i am not! So, when i am up there, if either one gets to unruly, i take action, i grabbed both of em once, and cracked their heads together, that worked for all of one minute! Oh well, blood is thicker than a dicker, right? Right!
I hope you have an awesome Easter this year!!! I shall see you on the flip side!!! Take care!!!
I read this blog on your site Dr. Leslie, and must have skipped over this one? Sorry!
You know my story already, but for those that don't here goes;
When i was 17, or early 18, my step father killed my mother, and then himself. I never grieved properly, i never knew what that was, till later? I did, however, harbor an anger and resentment towards my step father! I carried that anger and bitterness for a very long time, i let it fester inside till it took over my whole being! I would drink copious amounts of alcohol, trying to dull the ache, that only made things worse!
I met a counsellor in one of the V.A. hospitals, and she told me about forgiveness. She said i had to forgive my self. Well, not knowing what that meant exactly, i got even worse on the alcohol, and now i was on a track towards death!
I started going to bars, and pick out the biggest baddest looking guys to fight with. I think i was hoping one of them would kill me? That pain was the only thing i could feel, except for the pain i still felt over my mothers death?!
I tried suicide, the first one failed to do the job, so i tried again. This time a friend saw what i was doing, and he told my brother, and he called an ambulance. Once again i was pulled back from the brink.
Then, i came upon this web.M.D. site, and it was here that i found the answer! Thanks to Dr. Becker-Phelps, and one of her colleagues, they gave me the answer! I had to let go of the past because i could never change it. And, i had to forgive my step father, and then myself, in order to have any kind of life, or future? Once i did that, i grieved the right way for my mother. I feel i am a much better person now, learning more and more from the people here, and from other sources. I wanted my father to see me as a better son, but he passed away before i was sure he did? I think my behavior of these last few years told him of my commitment? At least i hope it did?
Yes, i had to feel for what my step father might have been feeling? He was once a master carpenter! He was very good with his hands! His problem was alcoholism! Everyone knew it, and that, is why he could never land meaningful employment, the best he could get was piece work. He couldn't work enough to support himself and his drinking, and my mother couldn't find a job, and he just kept getting worse, till he must have snapped? I think he felt like a loser, he was, i think he finally faced his demons, and they won, again he was proven a loser, and so, he didn't want his wife to see him that way, so he shot her in the head, realized what he had done, and killed himself from grief, i know he loved my mother. I am glad he did it while she was sleeping, at least he spared her from fear?!
Thank you, Dr. Leslie, i can't ever thank you enough!!!View Thread
Yes, my yesterday was totally uneventful!!! Why, you might ask, because i did nothing but clean house?! LOL!!! Yes, after all that typing, i typed for over a half hour, just to watch it disappear! I was indeed upset! LOL!!!
So, you slept pretty well, except for the first part of the morning? Had to get up and urinate, eh? Wow, do i know that feeling!!! Only i get up several times a night, well, i can't say that any more. Now that i take that Amitriptyline, i sleep a whole lot better! I still get up at least once, before i end up like you described, hurting for certain, and tossing and turning, trying to hold on to a slippery tail end of sleep!!! At least we get some quality sleep, right?
Today, i am going to be busy! I have to get ready yet, shower, shave, get dressed, then i am off to find (i hope?) a tire for my truck! So, like you said, i am going to be a little boring today?! Other than hitting the junk yards here, and one i am told, in Esterville, i have nothing else planned, this will take most all day, i expect, any way?!
We have a Dollar Tree here, we even have a Dollar General a town west of here. Not too far. I have not seen any meat, or anything edible in our Dollar Tree, other than the snack stand, you know, chips and candy bars and gum, that's it?!
Well, i am burning daylight, so i have to let this stop here, even though i don't want it to?! LOL!!! You take it easy, or any way you can get it, LOL!!! I'll be sure to do the same!!! LOL!!!
I just sat here and typed a nice long reply, then hit the wrong button, i hit the alt. button, and to get reset, i always hit the backspace! Well, this time it took me back to the first page you come on this site with. So, i hit the back button in the left hand corner, and everything i had wrote, is nowhere! My hands hurt from all that typing, i will have to come back later. Damn my luck!!!!! If it wasn't for bad luck, i wouldn't have any luck at all!!! That's a fact!!!
You do not have to thank me, i just want you as my friend! What would i do without you here? We used to have such wonderful discussions a while back, what has changed since then? If you are on medication, i hope you are telling your doctor about these harmful thoughts? I don't want to lose another friend!!!
Again Deb, i love what Roh says!!! Have you read her posts to you? THAT is exactly what you deserve! Roh cares for you, also! And Dr. Becker-Phelps does too!!! And of course Sluggo, he also wants to be your friend! You see? You really do mean something to all of us, and i am sure your family does also?! Look, your sister has come around, the rest will also! It may take some time, but they will?! You are someone to us, someone we respect, and admire for your deep seated love for others! You said to me that; you care very deeply about all of us. You even felt sorrow for you believing that you had made me feel bad? You did not, could not make me feel bad Deb, you are a way too kind hearted soul. You may not want us in your head, and that is cool, but, you already have us in your heart, as we do you!!! We all care very deeply for you, Debbie!!! Please let us at least try to help you? Can you tell us what is bothering you so much? What could it be, that it would drive you to think of hurting yourself??? It has to be something very bad, or very dark, but please let us try to help you, you are our friend, and we are supposed to help you, but we want to out of love, and friendship!!! (Please forgive run on sentence above.) LOL!!!
Deb, we are friends, like it or not, we want to help you! Won't you let us at least try? I hope you do, i miss our conversations from before!!!
I tried to get back on last night, but one thing after the other came up, so, i got nothing done. I tried most all afternoon yesterday, trying to find a tire to match the one i found earlier? No such luck. So, again i get to go wondering around the junk yard looking for a needle in a hay stack, sort of?! LOL!!!!
I'm glad you have fun times with your son, i wish i could, also, but both of my kids live in Colo, Spgs, Co. So no, i don't get much of any type of time with them?! That was one of the reasons i decided to go into debt to buy a decent vehicle to travel in. Then, wouldn't you know it, it had to break down on me, forcing me to refi at a slightly higher rate. Thats ok, as long as i can find the gas money to go see them? Oh, and i am not having surgery, or recovery going on?! LOL!!!
Your lunches sound wonderful?! Something i am starting on again! I gained so much weight this winter, since i hurt my back while (vacuuming) lifting an extreme amount of weight?! LOL!!! Yep, while vacuuming! I was bent down low, trying to get way back under the kitchen table, when i had to slide a chair out of the way. Well, i grabbed the leg, and lifted, and the next thing i knew, was extreme pain, bad enough to knock me down!!! I laid under that table for an hour, before i dared move. Then, when i did, it was horrible, but i had to get out from under there! Yea, that one was a killer! I still hurt from it, and that was what? Four months ago? Wow, today is the day, wait, no its not, i have to find that tire?! Then i can concentrate on muscles! I can't believe how fast you can lose muscle tone?!
Well, i have to get a move on. Please take good care of yourself! We shall talk more later!!!
Thank you for coming back! You know how much we miss talking to you! I totally love what Roh has to say!!! She is absolutely right! You have the right to be here as much as anyone else!!! Defy those that have abused you, by standing up to them by staying alive in spite of what they may like, or want?!!! YES, YOU CAN DO THIS!!! AND YOU WILL DO THIS!!! Do what Roh suggested, talk it out with us, or write it down, sing it, or SCREAM into a pillow? What ever you find that helps the most, do that! I hope its talking to us, cause we all like you, Deb!!! We don't judge here, that is for the snobs out there! In here, we are safe to talk about anything you want to talk about?! You can let lose your demons, Debbie, but it is all up to you?! I hope you want to talk it out with us, your friends, not someone who despises you?!!!! We, all of us here, care about how you feel, and what you have to say?! You can say anything you like, here, safe with those that DO CARE FOR YOU!!!
Debbie, i hope you know how bad, how scared you make me feel when you talk like this? I know you hate living right now, but things can get better, i know that from experiencing it myself!!! I mentioned this a long time ago, i tried to commit suicide twice, luckily for me, someone intervened on my behalf. I met a counsellor who knew what she was doing, and she steered me in the right direction. You need that right now! You need someone who knows, someone who has been there/done that! I have, so will you talk to me? If not me, then i hope you can talk to Dr. Leslie??? It will be alright with me! All i want, all any of us here want, is for you to feel happy again, to enjoy the good, and beautiful things in your life, to enjoy living, again!!!!!!!!
We are here for you, Deb.! I hope you will accept our extended hands, grasp them for all you got, we will not let go, i hope you won't either?! Allow us to be here for you. I really hope you do?!!!
Deb., i have to go talk to the others on this board, and another, so, my time is over, for now, but i will be back!!! You can count on it!!!