"He tells me he loves me all the time as in I love you but how can he if he does that"?
C'mon, you are a smart woman, you already know the answer to that question. He CAN'T! Cyber sex is still sex!!! Emotional, if not physical. Sure, it isn't like he is sleeping with her, but emotional sex, like FCL says, is more harming than if he did sleep with her? Wait, what? I have to differ with her on that! I was cheated on, that is both emotional, and physical harm! I would have rather she had the cyber sex! But once again, sex is sex no matter the cause!!!
Again, I have to go with what FCL says about two separate values. If he can say he is willing to go to therapy but feels you both need it, then again he is trying to blame it on you? Why can't he stand up, be a man, and man up to owning this? This is all about his having the problem, not you!!!
He is being defensive, again! By saying what he said, and how he said it, leaves a lot of gray space to cover! He simply cannot accept the blame for what he is doing!!! He actually said this to you? He feels you BOTH need it, why??? What did you do that was so wrong? Oh, wait, I think I got it? You nagged at him, by saying things to him about his abuse to you, you nagged him, that has to be it?! O.M.G.!!! How can you even stay with a guy that thinks this way? The more I think on it, the more disgusted with him I get! He is making us guys look bad, and that is not acceptable! But.....
This is your guy, this is your life, is this what you want in your life??? You had better be sure, once you are married, its you accepting of his values. Values? WOW!!!
I have to agree with good ole anon on this, you should consider cutting your losses? Seven (7) years is already enough time to see what you get with this guy? Is this what you want? Can you accept his cheating in your marriage? You don't like it now, how about ten years down the road? Twenty? I can almost guaranty he will cheat on you (physically) within the first two years of marriage! He is that kind of guy! You know this, can you accept it?
Life is not always what we hope it will be, change has to come from within! You cannot force change upon him, he must truly want it, or it will be all for naught!!!
Your choice should be now, not later, right? I hope you choose your happiness over this cheater? I really do!!! GOOD LUCK!!!
WHAT??? What is going on here??? Why is everyone leaving over this anon person??? I hope you both know this; (both you Roh, and Deb) if you guys leave, this anon wins?! How can we allow this (miserable) person to wield so much power over us??? How can we??? I guess we just give in and let this person win?
O.k. then, if you and Deb leave, I guess I will have too, also? Without you guys here, I will be a very lonely guy!!! Since FCL, and Tml have left to just check in once in a while, this board slowed down, way down. And then there was Deb, I think Deb was here before I was, not sure on that, though? And there were others that came around once in a while to chime in on certain topics, of coarse. They have all moved on, except for those two I mentioned. And now if you two leave, there will be no one around to keep Dr. Leslie company!!! I CAN'T do this alone!!!
Roh, I can understand you wanting to focus solely on yourself, and of course you're beautiful spouse?! But if you and Deb both leave at the same time, this board collapses! I will be the only regular here, well, Tml and FCL will still check in from time to time, but that will not prop up this board!!!
And worst of all, if we leave, anon wins and I for one, will never let that happen!!!!!
Roh, you have been my friend for quite some time now, and I am gonna miss you terribly! But, I also know that when you say something like this, something is wrong somewhere? All I can say is; I hope you get whatever it is worked out, and hurry back!!! I'm gonna be awfully lonely around this empty echo chamber that once had many voices!!! We have had some awesome discussions on topics people came here to find answers with. So many that you, or I could relate to, if in only heard of, or read about ways, or experienced ourselves.
I am gonna miss that! I'm gonna miss YOU!!!
I want to wish you good luck, and a speedy return!!!
P.S. Deb, I hope you read this because it pertains to you, also!!! Plus, I don't want to have to retype all of this!
No matter, if you leave, I leave, too! Roh and I are on your side!!! If anon can make you want to leave here, where you should feel safe, well, we won't be here for their abuse, either!
Like you said, we ARE family, and anon is soooooooooooooo jealous about that, is all!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Please ignore her and do what is best for Deb, okay? We are here for you! We may not be able to stop anon from coming here, but we sure can ignore it, right? Of course I'm right! LOL!!!
Don't give up on this site for that anon, ignore it and it will go away!!!
Well, well, you have been here with us, haven't you?! I like that! I do miss you when I don't know you are around!!! Roh has a good idea, doesn't she? I never thought of a trigger before? Sounds like a good idea, to me?
O.k., so, when you say Monday, you must mean next Monday? Good to know! Now I can send you all of my good vibes starting Sun. night!!! I'm sure it will go smoothly, the Dr. has probably done this over a thousand times? No worries, Mate!!! When you are getting put under, just remember this, your Angels are watching over you, and so are we, here!!!
I am up waaaayyyyyy too early this morning! I have to drive all the way up to the Sioux Falls V.A. hospital this morning, and that is a two and a half hour ride. I am going up there to see my pain specialist, so it is a must do ride. I am trying to eat breakfast, type, and drink coffee all at the same time, fun!!! LOL!!!
Well, Deb my friend, it is sure good to hear from you! And yes, sometimes I can be pretty dense, and not catch on to one of your Avatars? Sorry about that!!! Oh, I hope all is well with your son? Is he recovering nicely? I know you two don't always see eye to eye, but he is your son by blood, and even when we think we don't care, we care! Right? You just can't help hurting when your child is hurting, you know what I mean, right!? I hope he is alright?!!!
Well, better get to steppin, gotta do my hair and nails, ya know? LOL!!! Please take good care of yourself, Deb, we miss you terribly when you are not here!!!
Hmmm, no Deb? Where oh where has our Debbie gone? Where oh where can she be??? LOL!!! Sorry, couldn't resist the temptation!!! So, how are you, and how is it going? How is your son, is he healing nicely? And have you spoken to your therapist lately? I don't know if you have, or not, but I do know you haven't talked to me lately?
O.M.G.!!!!!! Do you have a boyfriend??? Is that why you neglect me? I mean, us? LOL!!! Hey, when you stay away for so long, you do scare me! I mean, us!!! You did say you could keep in contact a lot more, now that you had a new phone, right? Well, of course I am right, I always am!!! LOL!!! No, really, that is what you told us, I remember that! Sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo, where is our Debbie???
Hello, hello, hello, is there anybody in there, just cry if you can hear me? Ahhh yes, Pinky!!! Gotta love the Pink!!! LOL!
Okay, I yanked your chain hard enough! I just hope you check in once in a while? You do know how much we care about you, don't you? You do know how much we worry when you don't check in once in a while??? I'm not trying to put pressure on you, no, just a little arm twisting, is all! LOL!!!
WE DO MISS YOU WHEN YOU DON'T CHECK IN ONCE IN A WHILE, YOU KNOW??? We care, is all!!!!!!!!!!!!
Drats, I was going to say what Dr. Leslie said, she beat me to it. LOL!!! She is so right about this; YOU can NEVER change him, it has to be him wanting to change in order for therapy to be effective! If, as the Doctor says, he goes begrudgingly, he will never change!!! What did he say to your asking him to go???
Yes, I understand, I asked my ex to go at one low point in our marriage, she said yes, but very begrudgingly. I told her when she was ready to start, tell me. She never did! So, they have got to want it, or it is a useless process! Maybe not totally, but it might as well be?!
When he got so angry with you for asking if he had intercourse with anyone, that is a defense mechanism! Get angry, they retreat! I know that one by heart! My ex used it often!
I'm sorry, I have not been very supportive with you! I just can't see anywhere to be supportive except for the you already know this part? You already know how this will end, I've seen it for myself, and from others. I can only say I hope you don't waste any more precious time with this "Player"!!!
This guy will only bring you down with him, go now, before you waste another breath, because from my experience of "Players", they just want to play!!! I wonder, when you kiss him and say you love him, what is his response? The one I heard the most was; "me too". Never an I love you, too, no, just a plain ole me too. Wow, how seriously romantic!!! NOT!
I saw in your avatar a 40's, if that is your age now, please don't waste any more with him?! You have wasted enough time, already!!! Good luck to you!!!