That is it, exactly! They are both at fault for not talking to each other as a couple should! If I had this guys problem, I would be asking my doctor why? He has a medical problem and it might hurt him some way? So, if she had a problem with this, why not talk it over and show some concern for her hubby? No, as you said Roh, she just acted out in an improper way. Had the two of them talked, this should never had happened!!!
This is all about a lack of communication skills on both sides!!! And what could be a serious medical condition? Relationships are give and take, but without communication, it could feel like all take and no give, or some such? I, like you Roh, have learned a very hard lesson, COMMUNICATION is the key to a happy and successful union for me, and the op, too!
You are soooo right, Roh; NO ONE has the right to MAKE you do anything you don't want to do!!! Now that, is another good lesson to learn!!! Can you tell us more, Roh, about this lesson you learned? I'll go first.
When my ex got that awesome job selling overseas commodities, and told me she would have to work out of the New York office, and would be gone up to four months at a time? I should have spoke up then!!! I never even expressed my feelings about that to her, I just swallowed my apprehension. She was so excited to have this opportunity, who was I to stand in her way?
She left me standing there, with one child on my hip, holding the hand of the other one. She never even looked back! She never asked me how I felt about this situation, she never cared, I guess? It was all my fault, I should have said something to her? My problem was; I didn't know how to tell her I was scared? I had no way of expressing that to her, so she wouldn't call me names, or try to embarrass me? She does that without even knowing how it hurts? Yes, she has called me names in front of my friends, even my family? To everyone else, it seemed funny, but not to me? How do you tell someone like that how you feel about that, without sounding even more pathetic? I waved and told the kids to, also. But she never even looked back!
I still feel sorry for not talking to her at that time. This is also the time my e.d. started to kick in. How could I tell a woman like this about something like that??? I couldn't, and wouldn't!!! Why? Because when she came back, she was crowing to everyone how she was making soooo much more money than me. My resentment started kicking in right there! And, the first time she got to come home was three months after she started there, and since she was low man on the Totem poll, she only got 4 days to spend time with her family. I was o.k. that first time, but since then I started having so much trouble keeping it erect, I just stopped trying! It wasn't long till she figured something was wrong, and like usual, she blamed me for it. She handed me a two grand and said I should go visit my family. I said sure, the kids will like that. She shook her head and said no, this is your vacation, have fun. So, I went home with no hopes of ever coming back. I was sorta right? The rest is too long, and most already know the tale?!
Sure you do! LOL!!! You may want to save that, when I do get overly chatty? LOL!!! Ah Deb, you know you can count on me! I will always be here for you!!!
I do know how much this board means to you, it means the same for me. I would be lost without the help and support I have found right here! This site turned out to be my saving grace, without it, I would not be here today! My brain was all messed up when I first came here, I wasn't sure what I would find? What I found was support, and help offered that really worked for me!!! I still wish some of the others were still here with us! I have to hope they found what they were looking for, and have moved on in their lives? To think otherwise would be misery. You know, we can't worry about everyone, It would drive us all crazy, right? So yes, I do know what you mean.
I am so glad you got a session with the Doc.! You know we worry about you!!! Sometimes, when you don't come here often enough, I worry about you to the point of wanting to bite my fingernails! LOL!!! I haven't bit my nails in so long, I can't even remember when I did? I chalk a lot of that up to my Swiss Cheese brain. (You can stop laughing, now) LOL!!!
Oh, almost signed off without asking, how did the surgery go for your son? What kind of infection did he have? My uncle, the poor guy, had a boil under his left arm, right in the armpit. He suffered with that for the longest time before he finally relented and went to the Dr.'s to have it fixed, removed, whatever it is they do with them? I remember my aunt getting sick trying to change the bandage, it looked awful!!! It seemed like every time we visited them, he had some type of problem? He worked for John Deere for 35 years, he retired at 55, and three months later, he died. That poor guy was just like me, I seem to have all kinds of problems now and then? Most problems are easy fixes, but some require the help of pro's. Am I sure glad we have Dr. Leslie here!!!!!!!!
Well, Deb, you asked for it, now do you see how chatty I can get? LOL!!! But, I am glad to know you would worry about me if I stopped!!!
You take good care of yourself, and keep on writing, and I will keep on replying! LOL!!!
I didn't want to type on your last post, it would have replaced Dr. Leslie's post with mine, then you wouldn't know she responded to you. Without actually checking your post, that is?
I just wanted to say I would be thinking of your son, and you too, of course! I hope all goes well with his surgery!!! That's if he still needs it, of course. If he already had the surgery, I hope it went well, and was a success?! What kind of infection was it, if I may ask?
I hope you get to talk to your counselor today? From what you have been saying, you need him now?! There should be some way you could get him to talk to you in emergency situations? I don't suppose there is, tho?
I hope in the time you have to wait on your counselor, you might like to talk to us/me? I can sure get chatty, I suppose you already know this, and that is why you stay away from me? LOL!!!
I just want you to know I am thinking of you, and hoping all is as well as can be?
Um, where did I say it is alright to make her hubby as miserable as she is? What she did was totally wrong, and she did that to her hubby! Now, if she is ever going to redeem herself, she must confess her adultery and hope her hubby will forgive her. She acted out in an improper way, and if her hubby loves her, she will be forgiven!!!
They need counseling now, and understanding of why she did what she did? Don't you agree? Wouldn't you want to know there was something wrong in your relationship? That is why they both need to learn how to communicate to each other! Had she talked to her hubby in the first place, this would never of had to happen. Correct?
I am getting better at this, I have learned from our very own Dr. Leslie, and I cannot thank her enough!!!
Well, I think you have your answer? You want this relationship no matter what, so go for it! Go ask this guy to marry you, and move in with you. If he says no, ask him what he is so afraid of? Ask him what he fears losing? Ask him if you are what he wants in his life, or is it someone, or something else? By asking these pointed questions, you should get what you need to make an informed decision?
Ask yourself if you really love him, can you spend the rest of your life this way? I know how he feels about not wanting to give up his "Man Cave"! I don't want to either! But, there has to come a time when that changes, and you are sure you want to be with that certain someone, and you have no fear of losing what you have, for the someone you want to live the rest of your life with?! (Sorry for the run-on sentence).
So, I suggest you keep at it, keep on living the way you are, at least for now? You never know how fast some people make up their minds to do something that has been asked of them that they really don't remember? Subconscious thoughts, maybe? Ask him to move in on a trial bases? See how well he likes it in say three months? Then, if he doesn't like it, he can move back to where he feels comfortable.
I hope for your sake he takes you up on this trial bases? Once he sees you as no threat to his independence, he will surly move in for good!
Whoa, whoa, easy there! Yes, she had a moment of weakness, but at least she has come to us for advice, not for us to bring her down.
What she needs now is; forgiveness from her hubby, not us ripping her a new one. She feels miserable, at least that is what I got from her post? She needs to communicate more with her spouse, and hope he forgives her? Then, they need to make plans for them to seek counsel, both marriage, and individual. If they can't find one of the marriage counselors available, perhaps they could go to couple's therapy, instead?
So, An_260072, try to use some empathy when responding to someone who needs our help and understanding, not our inner hurt from past experiences, okay? I know how you feel, been there/done that! But, since then, I have come to learn a great deal of understanding, and in so doing I have come to that understanding by using empathy, not hate!
An_260072, I hope you stay around for a long time, please feel free to do so, however, please try to learn some empathy. It just so happens that, Dr. Becker-Phelps has a blog out in her personal site on empathy today. Why not click on her personal website, and read what she has to say on this subject? And while you are there, check out more of her postings on empathy and on relationship matters, also? We are so lucky to have Dr. Leslie here with us, to help us understand our feelings, and that of others seeking help, we wouldn't be much of a site without her!!! Stick around awhile, you too will come to know the benefit of her experience, and superior knowledge of relationships!!!
So, in closing An_260072, please accept my invitation to stay around, and give whatever help you can to others that seek it, okay? Great, thanks for accepting my offer, you are gonna love it here!!!
I hope for your sake, at least, that he is being honest with you when he says he is satisfied with things "as is" ? Or, how bout yourself? You say you love him, but then you ask if this is enough? You sound more turned towards marriage again, when he does not. If you ask me, you are settling for him?
You are using an age old method of, what if I can't find someone I really do love, and want to be with? I maybe should just settle for what I have, instead of getting out there, and finding that one special man who is waiting for me? >> Does this sound familiar? I totally get that from the posts you write, and even from the answers you provide. You are seeking permission to settle, instead of waiting for Mr. Right.
I suggest you make a pro and con list. On one side, write all of the redeeming qualities you find in this guy, and on the other, make a list of all the things you REALLY want from a man like this? Then, make up a list of everything you really want and need from a man, your Mr. Right? Then compare your notes. If I'm not wrong, and I truly believe I am not, then you will find you are only settling for this man because he is here and now?
I hope for your sake, you make the right decisions! Good luck!!!
I am sorry you felt like you HAD to cheat on your husband, and potentially destroy your marriage! You are going through what a lot of other women are going through. Yes, some have cheated, most have not, and would never ever do such a dirty deed to their spouse! You did not have to cheat! There are other ways to cope with this situation, you chose the easy way out!
Whatever happened to open dialog between you two? Have you never sat down with each other to talk over problems? Have you never argued with each other, and then compromised? You know, came to an agreement? What you have done is horrible, and may be the end of your marriage as you know it should be? You should have tried to communicate your hurt to him in any way you could, to make him understand your problem with him not taking care of your needs. There are more ways than one to reach an understanding!
Did you ever stop to think of his feelings? How do you think he feels? He probably feels inadequate? He probably feels like he is less than a man to you? He is probably hurting so bad inside that he acts like he doesn't care what you do, but he does!!! Each and every time you stay out late, or not come home at all, he probably cries himself to sleep? He wants to please you, but you probably said something to him that triggered the response he now has? He is now so hurt and dejected, all he can do is lay there and hurt when you are gone all night. I wonder if you have ever felt that horrible in your own life? No, you must not have, or you would have never cheated on the man that loves you more than any other, he married you, didn't he?
You need to sit down with him, confess your cheating to him, (he knows this already) and have an open dialog between the two of you, and if you feel you cannot, go to a marriage counselor! Go to a counselor yourself, find out why you have to cheat to find fulfillment? Go to a marriage counselor and let him/her help you to find a way back to your husband. Do it now, before its too late! If it is not too late already? I wouldn't blame your husband if he sought a divorce from his cheating wife? I would, and did!!! Yes, my wife felt she had to cheat on me, less than one year into our marriage? I tried and tried to forgive her, and I thought I finally had, but you never ever can forget what horrible thing your wife did to you!!! You better hope your hubby can!
I wish you all the luck in the world! You are going to need it!!!
Why not say; sorry I haven't been calling as much, I am trying to spend more time with my friends that call me more often, and seem to really want my friendship?
Or, how bout; Sorry I missed you, but I was asked out by one of my friends? Stress the word friends! Go on to say; she calls me every day, just to catch up on the days events. Stress the words calls every day!
If she doesn't get it, then just go on without calling so much. This has to be hard on you, it would be for me, also! I don't have a lot of friends, so the ones I do have mean a lot to me! Even though we may not talk for a month or more, we all know they are here for one another! Hey, we need all the friends we can get, right?!
Don't worry so much about offending her, she offends you every time she doesn't call. Right? So, it is just honesty that you should be more upset with her every time she fails to call you.
I hope she gets the message this time, and starts to call you more often!!! Until then, continue on with your own plans. Have fun with the good friends you have for as long as you can!
Good luck, and keep us up to date on the progress, and as always, feel free to use this board as long as you want to!!!