Hey, all. Came back for an update. Counseling has been going well and my husband and I are communicating better. Only problem is that he suddenly revealed that he doesn't want kids ever. He is 25 and I just turned 30. This is a huge deal for me. I feel like I am the only one left from my family, having both parents passed on, and feel that need to reproduce, or at least adopt. Adoption would probably be better due to my bad back. But anyways, I always saw myself as having a big family, like 4 or 5 kids, or even 1 would be nice. So it breaks my heart to hear him say this. In the beginning of the relationship, it was different. Now, this is his answer. The counselor said I need to make a decision. It is so hard. I feel like we've grown back together and fell in love again and now this whole kids thing is just breaking my heart. I don't know which will give me more happiness, staying with him or leaving to have kids with someone.View Thread
I was told to come over here and post so here I am.
I am having marriage issues to the point of my husband sleeping downstairs and I am sleeping upstairs, and we treat each other as roommates.
I guess it started when I lost weight, 164lbs so far. I became more confident and am not putting up with things anymore. I now voice my concerns. I thought this would be a good thing getting my self esteem back, especially since my health was in the toilet before and I was bedridden. I now am going to school and have a job. No more disability checks. I am making my own. It doesn't pay the best but I am a work in progress.
I have been married for almost 5 years now. I am 29, he is 24. He is from New Zealand, I am from the US and we live together in the US. There is water under he bridge but I don't want to live in the past so I have moved forward and pretty much forgotten about it. What it was is he left in the middle of the night and flew back to New Zealand with all the money and informed me via text. This was a shock because he never communicated how unhappy he was. Which is I think our biggest problem: his inability to communicate.
He came back and we tried to work things out but as you can tell it is not going so well. The latest argument involves me asking for a tissue since he was up and him saying in a rude manner why does he have to do it, etc. and that he is not a slave. Everytime I ask him for something it seems to go this way. I don't ask him for things very often at all but he brings up how he used to have to do everything for me (when I was ill, bed ridden, with heart failure, etc). Now he is sleeping downstairs by his choice. He states that he shouldn't have to do things for me, that I am perfectly capable of doing them myself and refuses to come up here until I admit fault. But I don't feel I did anything wrong, so I told him that and how he needs to communicate. He doesn't seem like he wants to be a part of my life anymore. I ask him to do things with me for months now and he just gets mad at me. I feel like I should be treated better. I mean, not to throw a pity party or anything, but I am treated better by coworkers and strangers and even my bird. He says he wants to go to counseling but has yet to find a counselor. I don't know what to do. I can't really afford to live on my own. I love him but the stress is almost too much.
There is more but I feel like I've written a novel already so I'll leave it at that.
Well, I went to counseling today (yes he actually made the appointment!) and it didn't turn out at all like I had thought. First of all, I didn't think he'd actually do it so I had planned on leaving him this past weekend. But I didn't because he made the appointment and I felt that maybe he was serious.
I thought it was weird, a non-communicator, wanting to go to counseling after all these years but maybe they could help them. But it turned out to be all pointed at me. I went there, maybe for the wrong idea, but I thought it was to support him in learning how to communicate. But then he pulls out this handwritten list of things that bother him/issues.
I also forgot to mention that before this happened, this past week it had escalated so bad that I had panic attacks at work and started crying. Everytime it gets to the point of having to go home or being home and he is about to get here, I get a tightness in my chest. Not sure what that is about.
Anyhow, back to what happened. We talked about how we met and then he layed into the first thing, which was about MY bad childhood and how before my parents died, they did things for me. Okay, perhaps but I wasn't the ordinary kid. I had a past history of abuse and couldn't function in the real world and was seeking counseling. I also was going to school full time and then my parents got cancer and I always thought I was taking care of them. But this talk made me think well maybe they did do things for me. He also mentioned how I am working for the first time in my life besides selling stuff online and how he had to financially support us and he never felt appreciated. This was when I was bedridden. There would be times I would say I can't do xyz but I can do this. I was even dieting at the time and would make us dinner, do the laundry, and clean. But apparently he feels it all fell on him. And then when I was bedridden some of that did change. I have thanked him for doing this and even stated things like I wouldn't be alive if it wasn't for you, etc. The counselor did point out that I never asked him to that and yet he is holding it against me.
Also I found out that taking care of me seemed to much for him and that , according to him, but he was talking to his mother who told him he had to be selfish and that some things won't change and that's when he went home. This was the first time hearing this for me so I feel very emotional right now. I was under the impression that his mother had no idea and it was a friend. I just feel betrayed.
Also, there were things mentioned how he feels he does everything for me still and the counselor suggested we need to set boundaries. And how I am co-dependent.
I don't know how I feel about all of this. I'm an emotional mess. After the session, I felt like going back to my old habits and eating a bag of doritos or going to a bar but I didn't. I turned to exercise instead and ended up working out for 4 hours. I guess this just stirred up a bunch of emotions and I am not sure how I feel about this. I felt like everything was pointed at me. Which maybe is true? I don't know. I still feel so hurt by him I am not sure there is any love left and I am not sure I even like admitting that to myself.
I also mentioned how I felt like I was the one trying to work things out all along but cut off.
I'm just unsure about this whole counseling thing. Anyone have any thoughts/ideas? Good or bad feel free to send them my way, I won't take offense.View Thread
Thanks I don't think that is the issue. He forbid me to go back to school. I dropped the first quarter and then thought to myself what am I doing and went the next quarter (this quarter). Every night before I committed I brought it up to talk but he refused. Then he got mad I did it anyways. But I felt backed into a corner. I didn't end up over 300lbs because I did what I wanted and needed. I ended up that way because I let other people run my life and that's what I felt was going on again.
An incident happened last night as well. I asked him for help cutting a pizza. For some reason I always mess it up so I said hey can you come show me how you do this? I wanted to get the right portions so I could track my food. Right away I got the grumpiness of "I'm not doing it for you." Finally he came over and said just cut it down the middle. I can't see the middle (he knows I have blurry vision from low blood pressure and have issues with my vision). He then stated something is wrong with you if you can't even cut the middle, its so easy, he says. I begin to feel belittled but with patience I try to understand where he is coming from and reword. It didn't work so I just cut it down the not so middle. He is upset and starts raising his voice and then starts raising it over how I am holding the cutter. I have to hold it like I am stabbling something because the other way I am unable to put any pressure on due to arthritis and injury from being hurt as a child, which he knows. He continues raising his voice and says I HAVE to hold it a certain way etc. Finally I had enough after seeing it wasn't getting anywhere. I had repeated like a broken record how I physically couldn't do what he was wanting me to. He says I didn't even try. I said I think I know my body well enough after 30 years to know what hurts and what doesn't. Perhaps not the best of wording. I also tried explaining that not everyone is like him. Sometimes people have injuries or are sick which they cannot help. I don't think he understands that.
Today I was so upset at work I had a panic attack and started to cry in front of everyone. I was actually afraid to come up to the apartment so I sat in my car for a little while. I guess he was watching me, which is weird and creepy because we live in apartments. I told him I was afraid to come in so I sat there. He was upset at that.
I honestly don't know what else to do. It does seem like he has no empathy. I don't want a pity party. But a little compassion or help wouldn't hurt. He says he called a counselor but no one answered. I am not sure if I believe him or not. How do I know he is serious? I am thinking of giving him until the weekend and if he still doesn't have a counselor, then leave. Somehow. I don't know how I will afford to leave yet. Maybe I can take out a student loan to cover rent.View Thread