I actually begged her to not leave her MD,Ph.D. - master gardener -body builder partner ( classic underachiever ) - she had it so so good and we - even then - had at best a staccato relationship. I was reeling from a lost love and lost job and a frazzled economy. What a gimmish.
Admittedly, communication is not my strong suit, at least with her. I do know how speak, write, I've advanced degrees so there is no loss of tactical ability. Comes down to the nitty-gritty of not wanting ( being able ? ) to open up on a basic level with her - probably less than I've communicated here. A difficulty is not wanting to hurt her any more than I have, and it always comes off ( interpreted ) as yes - "We will one day live in ga-ga land. (along with SW and Prince C ). Of course, this would all be so much clearer if her version of the trailer was seen.
I have been to counseling ( > 2 years - after lost love ) and certified as depression free as the next guy and have only the normal amount of family baggage that is cataloged in multiple self-help books - thank the lord for Dan Gilbert. So I am trying to make the best of it and use the internal neural network for it best intended purpose.
Coincidentally, as we once again went through this interminable decision process, she recently has stated that suppose we don't get married, but start out by living together. That does take some of the pressure off. But I'm not anti marriage. I'm anti major mistake.
Yes she can go dancing on her own - although that is a bit more intimate than if it were skiing. Yes I did tell her about the public ridicule ( i-o-e-o-t-o) - still my fault even though she was riding with another fellow.
But wait there's more. ( If you order now....) She's recently dating a match.com find. ( past 8 wks or so ) She's with him - and his kids- as I write ! despite spending the night with me a few days ago . Strangely this does not bother me to any extent. It bothers me more that she is willing to dump him if I gave a green light.
This happened in another episode several years ago when she had been dating a well off fellow ( a shrink) for several years. When my supposedly true love left town, she left him to try to recapture me ( i've always thought it took 3 years to recoop from a love loss and I was certainly grasping at straws ). It was a mess to say the least.
So while I have certainly played my fair share in this not-so-merry-go-round. It is her perhaps dependence or insecurity that perplexes me. I went on a ride yesterday, and in the same breath as telling me of her upcoming date, criticized me for " leaving poor old -her- alone". She has reminded me often that she must have people around to 'energize' her be it a bike ride, dancing, or whatever, ok she is belongs to extroverts-anon. that's ok,.
On my side, I don't really don't want to grow old(er) alone - that's simply not fun or even natural. I do admire her in many ways, and I am the reason - at least partly - she is no longer married. The shadows of guilt, and retribution often dance in my back yard ( what is - is, and we all must cope with our buried bones ) . But I don't want every day to be a battle or to have an extra skin attached.
You know, through all of this, I never expect anyone to provide THE answer to my situation. But simply putting it into words and seeing others words helps. Thanks again.View Thread
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