Well, as I said above, most of my friends are gone. They went to school and moved on with their lives long before I went back (actually, went twice, but I couldn't find a job the first time and ended up back at square one for 3 years afterwards). Family is pretty much nonexistant. My father is the black sheep of his family, and my mother has destroyed ours to the point that nobody wants anything to do with her, either, other than her brother (who is just like her, as my cousins say, and they can't stand him, either).
Most of my problem is that I hold myself in contempt. Yes, there is more to the story than I dare go into (I could go for days into that). Let's just say that my upbringing has not only left me shy but basically completely distrusting of most women in general (and the ones I would trust have to do A LOT to get to that point). Which is why I'm stuck, since I don't want to end up alone, but that brick wall is keeping me back.
Actually, the brick wall thing isn't completely accurate. I've described myself using a somewhat military analogy. The lucky one who gets to my heart would basically need to navigate a desert littered with land mines, surrounded by a barbed-wire fence and heavily guarded by tanks, carrying a metal detector and shovel to find my heart, buried in a large vault under the sand. Hopefully you could understand that...
As for the rest, I've found myself eating less and less lately. It used to be that I could go to eat, finish a plate, and be hungry again in an hour (or 2, depending on what I ate). If you wonder why I still weigh so little, that's a long story in itself, but I will tell you that I had a record for having the biggest file in my pediatrician's office. And what caused that has also affected my sleep cycle, among other things (that I choose not to bring up as I keep trying to forget that period of time but fail miserably). As for sleep, I've been sleeping less and less since things went south with the one girl almost 4 and a half years ago now, and I'm down to about 4 hours per night, if I'm lucky. I've tried vitamins, watching what I eat before going to bed, and I've tried a couple sleeping pills, but nothing seems to work. I have a feeling that what I need to help that is the one thing that seems quite out of reach.
I've tried several self-help sources. I've tried self-hypnosis using downloaded files. I've tried lots of things. Problem with hypnosis is that I can't get my brain to shut off enough to let the hypnosis work.
A lot of this is affecting my ability to get a second job. I feel inferior, I guess, and I also guess that shows. I need the second job if I'm going to get anywhere because my bills aren't leaving me much room to deal with my issues (about 350 per month out of the piddly 500 or so I get). I'll try looking around, but I don't think there is a chance of my finding any help until I can manage to get things squared away. Which almost seems like it may be too late by then...View Thread
Anyways, I'm 27, and completely untouched (as in no intimate contact of any kind). Let's start there. I'm also almost flat broke and out of options (yes, I have a job, but it don't pay squat and the benefits are pretty much nonexistant, and apparently there isn't anything else around here willing to give me what I'm looking for weekly, which I at least THINK is not too much to ask). I've come to believe I suffer from what some know as AvPD (avoidant personality), but I can't afford to see a therapist to confirm. Having been in therapy before with negative success (at least 2 of them told my mother, who is the MAJOR issue in my life, that I was better off locked up), I've come to believe that psychologists/psychiatry may not help. Then there is the fact that I am resistant to any medication I have to take for more than 3 weeks (proven fact, and it's not because I don't take it).
I've fought for every single thing I have. Literally, I have fought for my life. It's in my name, even (no, seriously, it translates that way!). I keep up with the bills. I graduated with high honors from a technical school (don't have the job associated with it because I had the luck to graduate just before the economy crashed!). I've paid for every penny I've put into various projects. I taught myself to read and tie my shoes when I was younger. And yet, I keep fighting a losing battle with myself.
When I was in school (what seems like eons ago), I was the scrawny kid that got picked on and beat up for fun (because of the disorder that almost killed me). I was short and skinny as a rail. Now, I'm not so short, but you try finding pants and a belt for someone with a 29" waist (it's impossible... I have to go to the boys department for belts!). My experiences with the girls then were not favorable. And they got worse through high school, seeing all of the decent girls on the arms of posers, while I might as well have not existed.
And all of the while, I've been told I'm not so bad looking. Well, the way I see it, if that were true, I'd be married with kids by now. I don't drink (did that once on my 21st and almost killed myself... NEVER AGAIN), I don't go to clubs, and I don't really fit in much anywhere (because of the AvPD and because I only specialize in things most women could care less about). Pretty much all of my friends deserted me years ago, which adds to the loneliness.
I've tried, believe me. I met a couple women online a few years ago. One decided she would rather marry the guy who she KNEW cheated on her several times (for the money to pay her student loans off, nonetheless) than actually date me, and the other and I just fell apart after a year and a half without actually having met (still kicking myself over this one, and I really see no reason to as it was coming anyways). Now, I can't even get a 15-minute conversation going. Heck, I can't even get past the initial question. Of course, there's the girl at work that I know has been flirting with me for over 2 years, but she just had a kid with a guy who used to be my manager (and I KNOW is a real no-good), even though she does still continue to flirt. No, I won't get in on that. I figure if she's already been there, she's used up. And I figure I blew my chance years ago.
Is there possibly any way I can get some advice of sorts without having to sell my soul (if I even have one any more)? Being lonely and having nobody but my cat to talk to is getting a little old. So is getting less than 5 hours of sleep a night (on a GOOD night) and not being able to finish a meal (I can only eat so much at a time but end up eating again later again and again).View Thread