Dennis, as guys WE go overboard!!! The trick is to learn how to balance everything. I've been called 'nice guy' and 'angel' too many times.
Told my last 'friend' (who happened to be diagnosed as a person suffering from co-dependency issues) that had I treated her like dirt she would have appreciated me more, of course she disagreed! Hey, when they tell you they've never felt so much 'love and compassion' in their life, especially when they were married to a narcissist and alcoholic for 30 years (and their mom was an alcoholic as well) and they still walk away from a caring relationship WHO has the problem? She's back on the dating sites from what she said (read my Independence Day letter posted earlier) looking for what she tossed away 3X before.
Believe it or not, women still want a 'cave man' - one who can provide for them. It's like a primal instinct, or so I've read. Bottom line, we have to learn how to be gruff and rough, BUT balance it with TLC at the appropriate time. No more 'gurly mahn', just more 'manly man'! ALL of us guys can learn from that. Dennis, UNREQUITED LOVE IS NEVER WORTH GETTING DEPRESSED AND SICK OVER. Learn from all of it and move on - while you can wish for one, never expect a happy ending because more times than not there isn't one and that way you'll never be disappointed.View Thread
Don't look for someone because you need to feel complete; that goes for both sexes. Make sure each of you is truly over your exes - at least 1 year apart for every 5 married. Know each other very well before even thinking about sex. Expect the unexpected. Guys, compliment your lady when you first see her each day. Don't over compliment, it's sounds phony after a while. Be spontaneous. Pay attention to everything! Communicate often and communicate well. Don't say 'I love you' if you don't mean it! Expect your heart to be broken, and if it's really meant to be then it will. View Thread
Here's a few more: If she tells you that she can't say I LOVE YOU, believe it and MOVE ON...she never will! If it didn't work out the first time, it WILL NEVER work out period! MOVE ON! If she says she doesn't know where the relationship is going, it isn't going ANYWHERE...MOVE ON! If she says YOU'RE AN ANGEL or a GOOD GUY...MOVE ON! If she talks about the guy from the church play and says he told her to join the yacht club...MOVE ON!View Thread
I sent this letter to an ex GF recently and I wanted to get it off my chest. I had posted here once before about this same woman. Synopsis: I am 60 and she is 57. We met online, hit it off in public, dated, and had an intimate relationship. After helping with a move, a divorce, her moms death and the storm SANDY. We split at her request because she couldn't say 'I love you'. We got back together a few months later at my request and I made her feel very happy, her therapist even wanted to meet me. We split when her ex called her and convinced her to come back.
It was in February of this year that we got back together on a lark due to Words With Friends. She had trouble with her meds and it was affecting her personality. The last time I was with her she literally 'blew up' and disparaged me, my family and my 93 year old mom (she didn't know why she didn't like her she told me). She told me "Don't throw a relationship away" as I walked out the door. Weeks later she texted because she needed to hear some encouraging words. She did this a few times and just to talk because she liked talking to me; she even remarked that she screwed up, that she never felt so much compassion and love in her entire life, and she said that I was an angel but didn't want to do 'us' again. I thought that she was having a change of heart until she called and said she was dating and whom she dated and when not too long after crying on the phone to me about work. Ergo this letter to her on July 4th, 2014!
Finally, an ending to this saga! Thank you for giving me this opportunity and on July 4th too, Independence Day!
You are dating again? Bully, bully for you!!! You still wanted to talk to me and play WWF too? Sorry, but an emphatic NO!!! That was so inconsiderate and rude on your part, and disconcerting and uncomfortable for me. Please read a book on dating etiquette as it's ageless; you'd be surprised at what you could learn to avoid hurting anyone, or getting hurt yourself. I did!
If I had I known about your dating plans sooner I would've stepped aside even earlier. To think that you were still calling me and asking for advice and counsel even after our break up and I was worried about how you were coping due to your dad's condition; your job; and everything else happening in your life and there you are dating other guys—thank you for making a fool of me and for displaying your true colors!
C------, calling me (an ex) to talk and then boasting that you're dating again, who and when you dated and the site you used is but one of the many classless, blatantly insensitive and unkindest things that you've done or said to me since I've known you! It was a another 'slap in the face' from you and it shows just how much disdain and disregard you've always had for me and for my feelings; it's also indicative of the type of person that you are — amoral (maybe even narcissistic?). Stop looking down your nose at people! Over the last 1.75 years that I've known you I've downplayed, excused, or ignored the fact that you've taken advantage of me, denigrated and insulted me, and mistreated me, but now as I reflect back on ALL of it I am calling you out; when I connect all of the dots it is so painfully obvious that you indeed have emotional issues. If this is how you treat someone that you admit has shown you compassion and love, just how do you treat someone who can't? Don't treat anyone else as bad as you treated me because it's not nice, and they just might not be as understanding as I was!
For the record: YOU'VE always been the person who's thrown the relationship awayâ€¦you did it three times to me! Mark my words, it will happen again because it is in your nature. Remember what I said to you about Karma when you called from St. Agnes? There are no exceptions to that, what goes around comes around. I just find it really odd how things just seemed to happen not too long after you ended the relationships, especially this time after you disparaged members of my family including my mother.
This quote from Sir Winston Churchill describes you rather succinctly, "a puzzle inside a riddle wrapped in an enigma".
Have either of you ever been to see a psychologist/therapist to see if there are any emotional issues that need to be addressed? If nothing else, you yourself should try counseling, you have nothing to lose and all the more to gain.
I dated a woman who was once married to a diagnosed narcissist for 30 years, she was diagnosed as co-dependent herself. Sadly, she needed loads of therapy and still does.
An_248371 when I am on a date and we're just talking I will listen and pay attention to what she has to say — I believe that's important at any stage of a relationship. Talking about one's ex never makes me feel intimidated, threatened or uncomfortable because I am secure in who I am and besides, everyone has some baggage. However, if that ex is a gun collector/owner, mobster, LEO, military or ex military, etc., I need to know all about it! If the talk becomes excessive, or gets out of hand then I will bring it to her attention and discuss whether or not she's really ready for dating. By the way, I do not and never will date a married woman. Period! Amen! So, knowing and learning certain things about a person early on are very important and that cuts both ways.
I don't like to delve into anyone's past. Usually when we've been going out for a while and we're comfortable with each other we open up about our lives and mention things without having to be prodded. That was the case with my last relationship, the only problem was that she wasn't totally honest with herself or me about her feelings for the ex. Does she really love the guy, or does she just need him to stay connected to her past? That's the $64,000 question! Towards the end of our relationship she started to exhibit red flags and looking back now without my rose colored glasses on I can see them vividly. As beautiful of a person as she is, she has a lot of unresolved issues. It's sad to say, but both of them do!
As far as my profile goes I took it down as I am no longer on that site — I felt there wasn't a need for it anymore when I met her. When it was up I was contacted by several women that said they liked what they read and how it was written.
I intend to take it easy with dating for a while. I must reassess my needs and my wants and adjust my life accordingly. Over the last 18 months I've learned a lot about myself with the gist of it coming in these last 4 months alone. I feel as if I had lived a lifetime with that woman, especially with all that we braved and experienced together.
The answer to your question cocom814 is an emphatic yes!
I've dated 3 women in the last year and a half. The first was a widow of 30 years who I met through a mutual friend. Bottom line, she was lonely and I was her rebound from an earlier failed relationship. She also needed a companion until she went back to work. Oh, and she was still in love with her late husband - she told me that she could never love me like she loved him. We parted ways when she went back to work.
The next one I found on a popular online dating site. We lived nearby and found that we had some friends in common. A red flag went up as soon as she told me it was a good thing I kissed her on our second date because if I hadn't there wouldn't have been a third. She also wanted as much sex as possible because she had to make up for lost time — married for 30 years to an abusive man. She had dated one other guy before me for about two years and that didn't work out. This was a mutual breakup due to our incompatibility.
This last one was from that same dating site. During our early dates she only mentioned her ex a few times. As time went on she opened up about her life in general and everything came out in the wash — it didn't matter to me as it was all under control, or so it seemed and I was hooked. So, here's a woman who runs from the arms of her Knight in Shinning Armour (her words) into those of her narcissistic, alcoholic and abusive (her words too) ex because she has to give the man she was wed to for 30 years a 3rd chance.
The moral here is that you really don't know a person until you really know that person. I could write a book!
I would make a great bartender if I could only mix drinks!