What good is a retirement if you don't enjoy your life getting to retirement? Is a retirement going to change who you are? I myself had to answer these type of questions with my ex-wife.
My questions were: Why am I putting in 60-80 hours a week working and not having sex or getting to enjoy of my family? Why am I working 2 full time jobs and my (ex)wife not working, helping or putting out? What good is money if you don't get to enjoy it?
I was married for 19 years. At the 10 year mark, we had just gone through a 2 year stretch of no sex. We did counceling. In counceling, as at home, I told her all I wanted to be happy was some physical contact to show me she cared about me. I told her and the counciler, I could put up with the work and the loss of time home if I got laid. I got a BJ that cost me 5 years more in a miserable marriage and another 3 years getting the divorce through.
I know what your going through. My heart goes out to you. Would you like to know what she told the counciler at the sessions? She was sexually frustrated. I guess we just couldn't communicate our needs. I would touch her and she would push my hand away. I would go to kiss her and she'd turn her head. Quite frankly if a man is rubbing his wife breast and kissing her neck, I think that might mean he's in the mood. After a while of her turning you down, she might get a little frustrated. I know I was.
I hope you can turn things around, before he drops dead from the work. If not, just tell him thanks. You and your boy toy will enjoy his retirement after he's gone. My ex will get 1/2 of 1/3 of my retirement check. Best money I ever spent. If she dies from the emphysema, diabetes, or other things she's doing, I get to keep it all. I don't want anything to happen to her, because of our son needs his mom. Quite frankly, there is no love loss between her and I.
After 28 years, you do deserve more. I just hope you can get all you deserve. Yes, I am an A**hole when it come to my ex.
I haven't been online much either. I want you to know, I hope your allowing yourself some forgiveness. Hine sight is 20/20. You did what you thought was right and took care of the children and home. Don't second guess yourself. Realize he may be helping at home, but you have made a decision.
He's trying to be a better man, but is it enough? You already stated you don't trust him when he leaves the house. DON'T worry about it now, unless your not done with him as a husband. What he chases isn't your concern anymore, unless your still sleeping with him.
I, Dennis, or Dr Leslie can't tell you what to do. You have to make that decision and it's a HUGE and hard one to make. One thing to remember, it will be better. We just can't tell you when.
Don't feel guilty for accepting his help. It's not for you. It's for the children and let him know that.You didn't do anything wrong and didn't chase after another man. No matter what you decide, we will be behind you.
All of us should look at our family history and medical history when we decide to have children. I have poor eye site, but the rest of my family has really good eye site. My mother had German measles when she was pregnant with me. You have a list of issues from your personal health. You should ask: 1) Can they be passed on to my children? 2) How much of a disability have they been to me? 3) By having these issues, will it be detrimental to my children? 4) Are these issues going to decrease my childs life span and quality of life?
A person with a family history of hemophilia, Down's syndrome, tay sachs, or other severe genetic issuses, but doesn't have any symtoms of the issues, may want to think about passing these problems on to their children.
People who are infected with HIV, herpes, or have certain diseases should also think about what they want to pass to their children.
Everyone has a right to procreate, but everyone also has the responsbility to exam what they are passing to their children. Birth defects occur, accidents happen, and people will be people. Before you think about having children, you need to discuss your and your partners medical and family histories with your doctor if you have any concerns.
I love my son, but if I had any concerns about his quality of life after he was born, my choice would have been not to conceive him. That would have been mine and my wife's choice because we did discuss it before we conceived.
The choices are yours and your partners. My concerns are always what's best for the children. The children don't have choices, they just have to live with the consequences.
Sorry to hear things are going rough. I've been involved in other things and haven't been on line with WebMD. I hope all of it works out for the good. The most any of us can do in a time of trials is take it one day at a time. Accomplish what you can each day. You know this and have done it each time you have had a difficult time.
I'm sorry someone you trusted was untrustworthy. Remember not everyone is like that. It may look dark gray, but there will always be light until they bury you. At that point, it doesn't matter.
I know you will come through this. Life is always a struggle and sometimes it's harder than others. I can't help with the money or the truck. I will give you my best hopes and my well wishes. I'm also glad you didn't get hurt.
The folks here do want you to be well. We all see that your a good man, who has problems (like the rest of us), and has made mistakes (like the rest of us). Take our hopes and blessings and try to feel the comfort we are trying to pass to you. Just like the folks you have helped in the pass on this site. We want only the best for you.
You sound like me about 10 years ago. I figured out my problems and change my life style. I'm not recommending what I did (I divorced my problem), but I can tell you some ways to help. As for people in my circle, I'm up to 2 hands now.
Exam what you have in your life, what you want in your life, and then how are you going to get it.
Do you want a lot of people in your circle? If yes, do you go to church, volunteer, or even talk to the people at the grocery store? I am amazed every day when I walk in to a business and they call me by my name now. That didn't happen 10 years ago.
Your social circle should be people you want to spend time with, not just to be social.
You say your comfort zone is being home. That's a good thing. You have to have some where safe to go from this cold hard world. If your comfort zone is your work, then your priorities are confused. You should be comfortable at work, but it shouldn't be your comfort zone.
As for a struggle to go to work, do you work in a prison, drive a school bus, work retail, or work somewhere where your life is in constant danger? Look at the reasons (2 teenagers) you go to work and judge why you have to and want to go to work. They should be your motivation. My son (17 yr old) is my main drive and my future is my second motivation. I want to show him a good example and provide for him.
In my job, crowds and loud means trouble, so I love the quiet and non-confrontational. I don't like problems, but I strive to overcome them. In large groups, I tend to be alone. It's just me and I accept that. I would much rather be in the background than on stage. My last big function was a spaghetti dinner I had to cook for. I only came out of the kitchen when I had to. It was for the Boy Scouts and I'm the Scoutmaster. If your teens are into anything, become an activity mom. You'll be suprised how much you step up and out of your comfort zones when it's for your kids. 10 years ago, I wouldn't have ever thought I would do this. Now I can't see myself not doing it. I was the kid who walked out of the school dance, because I was to shy to ask a girl to dance. The school was 30 miles from my house. My mom picked me up 5 miles from school on a back country road. That's how much I didn't/don't like crowds, confrontations, and speaking to others. There is hope for all of us shy people.
Your as young as you feel. Here's my support to you. Unless your soiling yourself in diapers and living off a feeding tube, your young enough to move on. We all have losses. We all get depressed and sad. Break the cycle and move on. 18 months is to long to mourn for a marriage.
Yes I'm an A**Hole. Kick yourself in the bottom and get over it. I have seen 60 year old couples get a divorce. It's hard, but you have got to survive and go on.
I have a wonderful neighbor who just lost (he passed away) her husband of 67 years. She has cried and cried. Her heart is still broken. She misses him every day, but she is moving on. She is still living her life the best she can. It's not the same as a cheating spouse and 20 years is a long time, but you still have the rest of your life. I hope you can see that and move on.
You've got friends and admirers here. We've all seen your work now and we like it. Take our appreciation and admiration, then build on it. It sounds like your spouse is supportive of you, also. That's a love you can bank on.
Remember, don't judge your work by anothers. It can never be the same thing and you can't draw like another person. Your vision and hand are different. Technique can be the same, but the out come will be different.
If you want some outside recognition, take ours and listen to the folks on your website. Talk to a local county/community gallery. We have one near us and they put on a show for a local boy. He made about $2000 for his college fees after cost of materials. He got a lot of local work for the summer as he's home.
Here's my views for you. You have good technique, your line are good and you allow the colors speak for you. I see some things you need a little more practice with, but overall you have excellent taste and ideas. Water colors are one of the most difficult techniques and you are really really good at it. I hope you take this and run with it.
Dennis and I have both been through cheated on and divorce. My marriage lasted 19 years. No you can't forgive or forget, but you can stop spinning it in your head. If your on a business trip and you have those lonely nights at a motel, DON'T let your past eat you up. I'm not saying drink or sex your pain away. That never helps, it only hurts. Find your positives.
Now is the time to plan for the future. If your worried about your future retirement, I would suggest getting some Susan Orman books. She give a lot of financial advise for women. She also advises ways for women empowerment after divorce and/or loss of a spouse. I'm a man and I have taken a lot of her advise.
I don't know how long ago you were divorce, but if your worried about being lonely now your divorced, don't be. You still have pain from him and it hurts. You have to realize the past is over. Just like Dennis stated before, move on.
My marriage was over long before we split up. I may sound harsh, but it was the best thing she could have done for me. Plus Karma is a Bi**h. She is receiving her just desserts. I hope all cheaters get their just desserts.
I know your separation and divorce was different. Everyone's is different. I can only tell you the hurt will fade and there is light ahead. You may never forgive or forget, but you will come to a point where your realize it's over and now it doesn't matter. Use it to make you a stronger and better person.
I hope we gave you some good advise and you can use it. You don't have to forgive or forget. You do have to let it go. It's like that song that gets stuck in your head. You have to find something else to get it out of the way. Replace it with Kansas "carry on my wayward son"
Young or old, we all need someone to connect with. I had a friend from the VFW. He serviced in the Korean conflict, where he left his H.S. sweetheart at home and lost her to another man. They met up again when he was 64 years old. They were married until he passed at 82. He said she was well worth waiting for.
Never give up. Hope and faith are our greatest weapons against loneliness and sadness. Keep hope and faith alive in your life and you will be fullfilled.
Dennis we have done this for the last 26 years. The boys are exposed to local goverment folks (fireman, police, mayor, city council) and local business owners. One of our bidders owns 5 local McD. and another has a spray paint plant. The boys also met local business managers when the ask for donations. I have spoken with a few business owners and when they hire young people for jobs, they look at Boy Scouts as a positive thing. I could go on and on, but the point is to take these young men and show them more of what's out there. Not just drugs, welfare or a dead end job, but life. It's a wonderful thing. Don't waste it.
Roh, again your artwork is wonderful. I total agree with Dennis. Keep it coming. Your talent is like life, share it with the world. There is no right or wrong way of expressing your feeling or emotions in art, as long as you feel you captured what you want. I can see you are capturing your feeling in it. Keep it up.
Michelle, I hope your days and nights are filled with what you wanted and no bad suprises.