I'm sorry your children have to go through this. Your an enabler. Your supporting his addictions with taking him back and allowing him to cause problems in your life. STOP.
I'm the son of a drunk. It took my mother 9 years and 5 children until she stopped enabling my father. He's already proven he's not going to change. Love him all you want, but it won't help you.
I'm not attacking you or saying your doing bad. Wake up and either kick him to the curb or get out with your kids. He's shown he doesn't care for them. Drunk driving with them in the car. He's shown he doesn't care about you. He's sleeping with another woman. He only cares about himself. He's not a manchild or someone who wants to change. HE'S AN ADDICT. Whether it's alcohol or drugs, he's an addict.
I've stated in other postings, I have a low, if no, tolerance for addicts. They can't help themselves, but they drag everyone around them down. Don't get stuck in the void. GET OUT. Your children deserve it.
Sounds like he's on the road to recovery of health, home, and heart. He knows you stood by him and knows you mean business about him hitting the curb. Be strong and don't waiver, Only you can let him in your heart and bed. Don't make it easy on him. He sure hasn't made it easy on you.
Give him a little trust every day and expect a lot of work from him. I can promise you, one day, if he has the strength and loyalty, when he's tested again he won't fail.
Remember also, you have to return his love and devotion. I know you love him and you're devoted to him. You have to show it also. Don't either of you take each other for granted and appreciate each other every day. It's not your fault he was talking to a co-worker, but make sure everyday he knows how much you need him as well as he needs you.
My ex never showed me any appreciation for anything I did. I wasn't expecting any, but it could have saved our marriage. She would ask what I needed for Christmas. I would state "I didn't need anything" and what I got was nothing. A card saying "I love you" would have meant the world to me. A pack of underware or socks would have at least she thought of me. She didn't even attempt to show any appreciation. I didn't realize any of this until near the end of our marriage.
My gf understands we all need some display of affection and appreciation. She never got it from her ex and she deserves it every day. So does every partner of every couple out there. You just seen by your husband going to the hospital, God said he could bring you home any time. Make sure you have your relationships in order.
Being ex-navy and stationed overseas, I can tell you the temptations are there. I was married later in my military career and didn't fall to temptation. Before I was married, the good time was on.
He stated he got close to a fellow servicemember. Now the trust is broken, between both of you. 2 wrongs don't make a right as another poster stated. If still in military, get counceling on base. They have it at little or no cost. The hardest job in the military is spouse.
If you want to stay married while in, you both have to fight. If either one of you don't want to stay, no amount of counceling or desire by the other partner will keep it together. I seen to many families torn up by one partner not wanting to stay married and the other keeps trying to hold it together. It's the cause of a lot of domestic violence. The military will not stand for that. A DV charge could result in loss of housing, loss of liberty, and Dishonorable Discharge.
The only persons we love unconditionally is our children and our lord. Our spouses have conditions. It's call marriage vowes. My ex found that out. In your postings, I can see you love your husband and you marriage. I know with both you have to have trust. When we get married, we give trust totally and expect the same in return. When that trust is broken, it's a lot of hard work to rebuild it. I know your a strong woman and don't give your heart easily. Don't give your trust easily either. Make him earn it. If you want to stay together (I know you do), follow your orginal plans. Don't waiver. He has to bring the trust back into the marriage. I hope he's up to the challenge, because you sound like a woman to fight for, even if he didn't see it before.
You keep talking about them discussing dates. Is he dating other people? Are you dating other people? Is he talking to her about your sexual encounters with him? If the answer to any of these questions are yes. You need to get out.
My ex-wife had a problem with me while I was in the service. I had to physical exams on women. I got deployed and she thought I was fooling around. I never gave her the impression or did I talk about any of my patients. I had to be extremely professional in my job and I take my marriage vows seriously.
My gf now, knew I was a man whore after my ex and I broke up. I don't talk about them. I don't talk to them. When we were done, it was over. I take my relationship with my gf very seriously and have given my word. My gf knows I'm not a person who takes my word and honor lightly. She knows I look. If a woman what's to show off, of course I'll look, but I know where I need to go at night.
Depending who moved in with who, will decide who needs to leave, if it comes to that. Don't let him disrespect you. If it bothers you about her, he needs to know who he's sleeping with. HER OR YOU? Your not married, but you want a committed bf. Not a man-child as Dennis stated.
I'm sure you give everyone a different level of respect. We all do. We are predisposed to judge people and the amount of respect we show them. Your not going to give a panhandler the same respect of a person in a business suite.
With women, you'll give the respect that your predisposed to. For example: a well dressed large breasted woman in a bar compared to a well dressed small breasted woman in the same bar. You'll ignore one and be a servant to the other. I'm not saying you'll treat either any different, but it's your predispostion that will make you appear disrespectful.
With our spouse/gf/signifcant other, we can take them for granted and that is disrespectful. It might be what your ex picked up on.
All we can ever do is respect people as we want to be respected. Respect yourself and you'll project more respect to others.
I'm with Dennis on this. Let it go. I think you D-I-L just put her thoughts bluntly. How can you ask someone not to stick around after the festivities and be polite about it? You have stated you understand her situtation, so just let it go. She still wanted to do something with your family and just wanted time to relax afterwards. If you feel your intruding, make arrangements for a motel room when you know your going to stayover. Your 2 1/2 hours away from home. Enjoy the local sites. Offer to take the kids to the local sites. Spoil them shamelessly when you can. Take son and D-I-L out to dinner, so she doesn't have to worry about entertaining you. Give her some stress relief.
Yep you married a "woman is 2nd class citizen" believing man. My gf's father, brother, ex-husband, and son believe this. "I can watch TV and the women will wait on me hand and foot." The son is changing, but not much. The father is to the point he won't get out of bed except to poop. It's been 3 plus weeks since he's taken a bath. He even expects, when he has them. visitors to come in his room and he doesn't put on pants. He wears boxers. He's 75 years old and can walk, he just won't.
You need to get it through his head, he has to help. Some pointers, tell him if his clothes aren't in the dirty clothes they won't get washed. Same with dishes. Each time you get him to do it, is a victory for you. For every "no" he gives you, be equal in your's. example "Honey, get me a glass of water" "NO" "Dear, let's have sex." "NO"
Remind him he didn't marry his mother and have a child with her. YOU are not his mother and servant. You are his equal partner in marriage.
The other posters stated you should have seen this coming, but I know you don't see it until circumstances change. Don't expect help from his family, because that's how they live. You may need a 3rd party to mediate this. Unless you want to be his SLAVE, you need to stop this now. It's still early in your life long marriage. You really have to stop it in the step-son. Even if you were a stay at home wife/mom, it's not your job to be his servant.
No you didn't put him there. High blood pressure happens with stress, diet, lack of exercise, smoking, and a mulitude of other factors. If he hasn't been on meds before, he will be now.
Don't feel like your lying, if you put on a happy face. He's been your husband and the father of your children for years. You haven't forgiven him. You are a good woman and feel compassion for him. Let him rest, without his phone (stress reduction) at the hospital.
After he gets out of the hospital, confront him. Ask him what's so important to talk to her about? Why can't he call and talk to you on his bus ride to work? I call my gf every morning on my way home from work, while she's going to work. I'm sure you can tell him things to make him blush and want to come quicker. That's when and if things work out.That's something you can add to what you can offer for staying together.
Again, I believe you are doing the right thing. No matter what happens, you will have tried every thing to stay together. Talk to your pastor or someone you respect in your church. Becareful of the busy bodies, you need support not gossip. Not all pastors are counselors, but they can refer you to someone who can help. They can also be there with their prayers and support.
I know you'll be there for you children, but also be there for yourself. Look in the mirror and tell that person how much you respect and love them. That person will alway be there for you.
I whole heartly agree with your actions. If he didn't have sex with her, there's still a chance he will wake up. If he did have sex with her, it's in your court for your judgement. I know I have been infatuated with friends of my gf and with women at work. I daydream and lust after them, but I would never go past the point of it leaving my mind. I would only text or speak to someone with respect and good sense.
From the 1st text, he hasn't done any physical wrongs. 2 days of not comming home, leaves a lot of questions and doubts. The later text, somethings going on or he would be able to give you a good answer for the text.
3 months is a good time frame. Your not dragging it out and it gives a chance for a counslor to work with you both. I hope you can work it all out and he wakes up to what he's losing. Thanks for keep us all up to date.