I'm glad you took action. I'm glad you had a good weekend together, so he can see what he's going to miss if he screws up. Most people can be thick headed and you need a "frying pan" to knock some sense in to them. No I'm not encouraging violence, just a wake up call.
I would also check out the movie "Fireproof." I seen a lot of things in the movie that could help any couple in trouble. It's very suprising what can happen in 40 days and you work very hard at your relationship. Remember though, you have to work your relationship every day, because it's a commitment to each other.
This is why I recommended counceling first. You may have had to use a "frying pan" first, but I truly hope it work out well for you and your.
Unfortunately, the police are in a tight legal spot. If no laws are broken, they have to no choice but leave everything. It's both persons property, from the house to the dirt in the vacumn cleaner. Yes, they may know he's a drunken SOB, but their hands are tied. As for hitting bottom, I have never seen it personally. My grandparents were killed in a trailer fire, we think, was caused by my grandfather, being drunk, fell asleep with a cigerette burning. It didn't stop anyone from tossing back a shot of booze for him. It didn't stop my greatuncle from killing himself in the front yard of his home. A drunken fight with his wife. They don't regret until they are sober, then their sorry, til the next drink. My mother took 9 years to leave my father. She took all 5 children when she left. I was 9, the oldest. My sister was 5-6 months old. We didn't have anything but the clothes on our back and a station wagon. My father is still a drunk. I love my father, but I don't want to be anything like him. I also keep the conversations very short when he calls drunk. Like I said before, smile and wave at those so called friends. If daddy in law is blind, he's just as stupid as his son. THEY DON'T MATTER. You and your children are the only things that matter. Sorry, like I said before, I don't tolerate drunks well. I hope other women and men out there will read this and get some help. You always have to live with the person in the mirror, no matter what. Wouldn't you always want to respect them?
A father is usually blind to his son's wrong doings. My father is an alcholic. I love the man, but can't stand to be near him when he's drinking. I have a low tolerance for drunks. Yes, I drink, but know my limits. If I have 2 beers in a month it's alot for me.
As for your ex-F-I-L, make an appointment time with him in a public place and voice your side of the story. Tell him that his son has a problem and he should use his experience as a counselor to see it.
As for your so called mutual friends, who don't know anything about anything. Just continue to wave and smile. They don't sign your pay check, feed you or live with you. Who cares what they think. It bites, but you can make new friends, who will support your feelings.
I'm glad your finding al anon and other support groups. You can't change him or the past. Moving on is the only thing you can do. It's hard to get that trust back.
I was an internet dater. Here's some suggestions. Truth. Tell the men on those sights what you want. No drinking, no recovering alcholics, nothing to do with alcohol. If your a non smoker, would you want to date a smoker. I didn't. Same for alcohol. When you can get the trust in the men, relax to a drink or 2. NO MORE. 1-2 is social, 3 or more stupid sets in. Water, tea, coffee, soda, milk, or juice are good for you and keep you in control.
I hope you find a good man to be with. Another hint. Keep your life, don't make your life another persons. Until you walk down the aisle, keep your life separate. Until he proves he's going to be good for you, don't let him to far in.
You have given a lot for your marriage. You've been there for 8 years and children. With children, it's always harder to decide on what to do. As a person who was cheated on, I know some of what your feeling. I only say some, because my marriage was over before she step out. I was still living with her and I thought we were trying to keep it together.
I would suggest counceling first, before divorcing. Only because you need to be sure you tried everything you could to stay together. The minute he puts his body parts into someone else, he has broken his vows. You have to decide after that.
As for him saying you've changed. Guess what? You have. You've had children for him. Your life is taking care of them and him now. Not just his needs. I'm betting your still wanting sex, but are just so exhausted by the end of the day all you want to do is sleep. If he's so deprived, why didn't he come to you and talk to you about it. Your his wife and life partner. I tried with my ex. She kept telling me she was sexually frustrated, but wouldn't tell me what she was frustrated about. I would try to start something, and it was I'm tired, or flat out no. Don't take the blame for his stupidity.
The best way to get things out in the open is with a 3rd party. You can be as open as you want, and they control the room. Only honesty and truth will get people through difficult time.
Here's some honesty, If you decide to divorce, get a copies of all financial information and go straight to the children's support services. Make sure your children are taken care of. They are your number one priority no matter what happens. Don't let a dirty fight get them muddy. A divorce is a very dirty and ugly fight no matter what happens.
Congrats on figuring out what you want. A lot of women and men can't seem to do that. You want to be appreciated and your body enjoyed by more than your self. You work hard and you want your play time with your husband. I can bet the guys at the gym are looking at you. Your husband should be also.
I'm sorry about 7 years of being with a man and he not appreciating you. My ex wife was like that. I had 19 years. Your still young and now with a good dose of self esteem. If you and your husband want to stay together, it's going to be a lot of hard work. Do what YOU want, and don't do it because someone else told you that you should. Do it for you. Just like your body sculpting. Be selfish and live happy. Don't be unhappy with life.
Also don't feel guilty if you don't stay together. You did all you could and he fell short. Sounds like in a lot of ways.
I'm very sorry for your loss. I know you hear that a lot, but here we do mean it. As everyone else has said, don't be a stranger. Come here to talk. We all like to help and would love to help you. Don't be afraid. You won't be judged here. We are not like the government. We are here to help. Please be safe in the knowledge that we do care for you. Dr Leslie, Roh, Dennis and I would hold your hand and hug you through your trying times. Please take our words that way.
Our minds work at a set speed. If your partner is speaking slowly and has to think about or take a breath to continue, it's not surprising you tend to interrupt her.You may seem like a freight train to her conversation and consentration. No disrespect to your partner, but think of talking to a person who is using english as a 2nd language. They have to think about how to put the words.
I lived in Italy and Iceland. They are both wonderful places and have wonderful peoples. I know I screwed up with lanuage barriers, both in getting my point across and getting the other person's point.
Realize it takes time for someone you know and love to put her thoughts in to words. Apologize and beg for forgiveness when you forget. I'm sure you have explained it to her many times, but she's may have forgotten also. Just keep reminding her and keep loving her.
No one's perfect, or we would all get along. Have fun and keep loving her. That's as perfect as we can get.
I'm glad you like my idea about using your art to express yourself. Some of the best art I have seen was from the artist heart and soul.
Sounds like your getting a handle on some things. You recognize you have triggers. We all have them. Some are good and some are bad. Recognizing them is hard and the hard part is not letting them fire. It's a learned trait. It's hard to be called something (A**Hole) and not fire back something worse. (the C word) Don't get so involved with the squabble that you forget yourself. That's when it becomes a fight.
Also our partners learn them and use them against us. You are having what you think is a normal discussion, then because you don't agree with your partner, they drop a trigger. Then the fight is on. YOU BOTH LOSS.
I know I give a lot of my points of view, but I hope these help. Have a discussion with your partner and make rules for arguments. Don't cuss, don't touch, and if things are getting really heated, you have permission to walk away without the other person following. Be more specfic for your family. They know your triggers and you know theirs.
No advise or solution is perfect. No matter how hard you try, your triggers can fire. Then you feel really bad about it. Remember if you can go back to them later, you can still work it out. Welcome to being human.
Your getting a lot of advise and support here. We don't like for people to loss relationships. We are all glad your trying and support you. I'm glad the ladies spoke up. I know men see things one way and women see them differently. There are always 2 sides to the story and we can't make a relationship work by ourselves. I like what they said.
Ask those questions. Is she wanting to stay in a commited relationship with you? Does she draw away when you take her hand or try to hold her? Non verbal communication tells us a lot on how people are feeling. You said she doesn't like to open up, but the only way you know how she feels it to get her to open up.
Try a relaxing evening with a little wine or alcohol. A good meal and let her know you want and need to talk about the relationship. Avoid Drunk and stupid. Be relaxed and in control of your self. Help her let her guard down. Let her know your not trying to get sex, just conversation and truth. Tell her the only expectations you have are to hear her and what's going on with her. You've been with her 26 years. Expect the worst (crying and screaming from her), and hope for the best.
I hope things keep working out and you can fix some things. It's never going to be perfect. Just keep at it.
Wow Dude, I'm sorry. I know what your going through. My ex thought sex was a chore and she didn't like doing chores. (or laundry, dishes, cooking, taking care of the kids) I was lucky (in my eyes). She gave me a reason to get rid of her. (cheated)
I'm not saying divorce is for you. 26 years is a long time to be together. You have to make the determination of what you want to live with. If you want to stay together, all you can do is keep trying and keep talking to her.
Mercy sex sucks, but it's sex. (yeah right) As for her feeling rejected, she's rejecting you. She's just there for you to finish off in her. With no passion or love, she's just a vessel to catch your climax. My ex would say pull out and finish out of her. That way she didn't have to carry me around. (my impression)
Yea, I'm still a little angry about it, but I get over it. No man likes to be rejected by his wife. I tried the therapy, the doctor exams (to see if she had female problems), the books, the gifts, and the dating. We had problems years before and I left for a while (stayed faithful). In therapy, I stated, I would do anything to stay together, but I had to have sex. I got a terrific BJ, that cost me 5 more miserable years. She didn't keep her promise to me and she didn't keep her promise in the marriage.
All I can offer is do what your feel you need to do. If you want to stay together, great. Accept that you will get sex when she lets you and she's just playing catch. If the rest of the marriage is solid and good, I would accept it. You have to focus on the whole marriage, not just the sex.
Queston from your other postings, your a smart man. What would you tell someone else to do in this situation? Then follow your own advise. Read your post as a 3rd party.