hey i just wanted to say i have been going through a very similar situation, with an older loner brother who doesn't seem to be planning to leave the house anytime soon. I am 27 and have lived out of the house since I was 18 with a few time periods at home during breaks from college, then eventually living in my own places and out of the dorms, at age 20. I moved 3,000 miles away and my mother still calls me, but no longer several times a day, now just every day or every other day, aside from the lucky chances where she is forgetful and only calls me once a week. There have been times I do not talk to her at all(2 months being the longest). In my adult years, it isn't the constant worrying about me and assuming i'm doing something wrong.. or that someone will do something to me... that bothers me as much. She has learned to trust me more, to even praise my actions. I have seen quite a change in me of her approval.... The more often I do what she thinks are good choices. AND that seems to be the point. She still needs me to live up to her standards, for her to feel safe. I have heard her say how she has been sick or up all night, in time periods when I am confused with my own life, uncertain about what I am going to do, etc. HOWEVER. I am not responsible for her emotions. And now matter how much it seems she has grown, she continues to baby me, as if all her lessons and advice she has given me, are falling on deaf ears. In truth, I've built much of my value system around her values. But, it is a constant struggle to remain in contact with her and feel a sense of freedom and acceptance.
I myself do not know what to do, and have seen the distance seemingly improve her own life.
I say, to myself. Cut her off. Not forever. But she is attached to me.
When i return home she latches on, and I fall for it. I fall for the love and the comfort and the willingness to help me, care for me, etc. When I allow her to love me, then she finds sneaky ways of tricking me into becoming dependent on her. I have not let her do this. But as I get older it is more and more tempting to try having an adult relationship with someone who perhaps cannot give herself enough self-confidence to be independent of my actions.
I consider her to be emotionally abusive, yet, i know she cares for me deeply. It does not matter. My health is important, and i have learned that indulging in her emotional attachments does not help either of us.
I wish I could give advice, but I feel the reality is, it will be a long hard road. You will always be in a struggle with her, until she chooses to liberate herself from her own mental slavery.
The truth is SHE is co-dependent on you, and throughout your childhood it was not as obvious, because you needed her for your livelihood as well.
I know how it feels to be scared and have low self-esteem because of not being given validation over your choices. I feel emotionally stunted. And honestly, you seem to have made some hard moves in the right direction earlier than I have. I congratulate you.
I hope you can understand that it is real, that your mother (parents?) is abusing you. That she probably doesn't mean to, and loves you, that she may continue to hurt you out of that love. That she prolly was hurt by people in her life. But her personal transformation does not have to get in the way of yours. And also, that because you love her, you will probably always want to find some solution to be close to her in an adult way. I hope eventually you can, and I hope you can protect yourself in the meantime.
And maybe some of what I said is my life, and not yours, but I hope you can relate to it.
Good Luck on the Road to Personal Freedom, N.View Thread