Thank you Spencer. I started reading a very good book. too good to leave, too bad too stay. It is truly an eye opener. I invested so much time in this relationship and emotions that waiting just a little longer always seemed like the right thing to do.I see now, that I am so unhappy but, yet stayed and pretended I was OK. My voice of moving forward was never validated and he was selfish. Getting stronger every day. Thank you all for all your advice, it has truly guided me to move forward in my state of limbo.View Thread
slug go, thank you for your response, I have been alone before as I broke up with him before, and in a lot of ways, It is that feeling of being all alone that is scary. I do not have a large family, just my children and while the relationship was not what I wanted, we still did things on the weekend and he did help me with some things when I asked. It was companionship and what I was used of. Change is scary, but, I realize they have to be done. I believe he has been spoiled in his life and does not know how to freely give of himself. Only child syndrome , never learned to share. I can't change him, only me and I will get stronger and walk away, because although he was company, I guess I have been alone for 8 years.View Thread
Thank you for your response Dennis. I am not so kind hearted anymore and in fact have been cold to him for more then a few months. I did end it 4 years ago and 2 years ago only to go back with plans to move forward which he always had viable reasons for us to wait, if you read previous posts. I will now be able to walk away, because my feelings toward him have changed, BUT, in reality, I would not walk away from an enemy in need, so why walk away from someone I once loved and needs help. I do think he loves me as much as he is capable at this time. I think he has issues, which I can no longer tolerate. I stayed but, it filled a void in my life while I raised my children. I am going to pull the positives out of this relationship and say it was meant to happen this way.View Thread
Thank you Slug go and Leslie for your responses. I realize I am in an unhealthy relationship, and I am struggling daily from resentment. I decided for now to help him through with this illness which I think will only be a few months and then I need to walk away. I really do not want to be alone again but, I think I fell out of love and that is going to help me end it for good. It is time for me to worry about me and what I want from life.View Thread
Thank You for your advice. We actually did see a counselor a few years back, she saw us together and separately, he felt she was blaming him and stopped going. I continued, ended the relationship and the counselor seemed pleased that I did so. In all honesty, I left the relationship mentally but am still in it physically. I am sure he feels neglected. I am not happy and each time we reconcile, he makes promises and then comes up with very viable excuses. When I talk about moving forward he will say o.k, but, I feel deep down he is content living the way it is. His actions never match his words. If he wanted it, he would have moved mountains to make it happen. He talks about our future, but, the future never seems to come, just more reasons of why it would be hard at this time. I just ordered the book To good to leave, too bad to stay, I am hoping this will give me some clarity.
I think my major issue is he watches me struggle and has sat home all these years, I can't get past it. I do not believe that a man that is truly in love would watch and not insist on helping.
FCL, I get your point and understand it. His mother moved into his home when his wife passed away and helped raise the children. After we became engaged, she became sick and he felt obligated to take care of her as he is an only child and she did raise his kids. After she developed mental problems, there was no way we could combine families, we would not have survived and she then started to hate me , and did not want me around their home, but, I still went there, I guess she felt threatened by me and was afraid of what would happen to her. It is such a complex situation which is why I stayed but, I have lost my 40's, and do not intend to lose my 50's to him. It is just one excuse after another.
FCL, Thank you again for your advice but, I could never leave him in his time of need. I am trying to figure out if I still love him or if I am just emotionally attached. There was a time I wanted to marry him with all my heart but, years of resentment building has changed that. Forgive me for the length of my emails but, you need the whole picture. When I met him, I was financially sound. I had my lawn being done and money for home maintenance. As the years went on, my job had a freeze on salary, my home taxes went up as well as bills, my child support went down and all bills went up. I am very good with money and do not over spend. I learned to do all my own yard work and house maintanence but, had several repairs, That were costly, I could not afford. I took on a second job, btw, we were engaged and he was retired. He did help a little but, not much. I feel that if he truly loved me, he would not want to see his future wife work so hard and would have worked a little to help me as he was only 45 when we met. He would have done my lawn weekly, handled the house repairs as my hands were full, with working and raising my kids. While we were engaged, I had to borrow money from my mother for a major repair which is something I hated to do. If we had gotten married and combined resources, I would have never been in that position which I blame him for now. Am I wrong to feel this way? I make a good living but, the rising costs have made me struggle and I am not living a life that I wanted to be living. I set out dating 9 years ago for a life partner to share everything. I fell deeply in love with him, and we enjoyed wonderful times but, I am worn down, tired, hurt and resentful. Again, I ask, Am I being unreasonable or are my expectation too high?
Any advice would help me, I am struggling so hard with this.
HE IS GOING TO COME OUT LOOKING LIKE THE GOOD GUY BY OUR FRIENDS.View Thread
FCL, thank you for your response. His son earns a better living then me and his daughter is working on a second degree. I have thought of him moving in with me but, I I know he would be resentful living with my children and not his. He told his children that they can live home as long as they want, a promise he made to them when their mom passed away 18 years ago.I realize he makes excuses and am not even sure if I still want to marry him. I broke up with him 4 times over the years, and each time, he told me that we will figure it out. I am now at 8.5 years and swore I would not pass 4.I am now miserable and cold to him. Not sure how much longer to wait or if I want to. Unfortunately, we just found out that he has a tumor, yes the c word. He is scheduled for surgery and I need to be there for him even though, he has not been there for me. I believe he likes his freedom. I am expected by all to go to all DC. Appointments and handle all of this, while I work full time, raising family and fully maintaining home. Job does not see him as immediate family because we are not married. I will be there for him but, need to make some serious decisions when he is better. Thank you for listening.View Thread
Thank you for your response. I am leaning toward this. We were engaged 2 years after we met, his mother was still alive. She then depended on them and became depressed and sick, he felt guilty because she raised his children. The kids were young adults when we met. I am emotionally drained and tired of hearing myself talk about it. He is willing to get married now, but, has no answers for our living arrangements because he does not want to push his kids out of their family home and my children are younger and still home with me. I also, would not feel right about him pushing the kids out as, children come first but, he broke too many promises and he is comfortable and I struggle.