I feel horrible today, I have made an appt to see my therapist this friday, and its like the appt couldnt come soon enough, I wish I had the option of just calling her and spilling all my thoughts and feelings and that she would have time to listen and fix me, but thats not happening.
My fiance and I have been going through a rough patch for like 5 months now, and everytime I think things are getting better they get bad again.
I am confused if its me or if its him, I have clinical depression and he blames just about anything I get mad at him for, on the fact I am depressed, and that is just not fair, he doesnt take into account that maybe he is treating me poorly, he is always saying I cook I clean I pay the rent what more do you want? I want him to look at me when I am talking to him instead of looking at the tv with his arms crossed. Especially when I am talking about a sensitive or serious subject. His body language tells me he is not interested in what I am saying to him at all, and in general makes me feel as if he must not care about me, cause with out my thoughts and feelings I am just an empty shell of a person right? I am also upset that he does not seem to share much of his past with me, This is a a red flag for a few reasons. Makes me wonder if he has something to hide, makes me feel as if I am not entertaining enough for him to talk to, like I bore him. Hes just really vague about things and Im thinking- we are engaged and live together and have been together for a year now, lets get to the knitty gritty get to know eachother stuff! Lets not do small talk anymore, lets talk about dreams and hopes, and plans, and fears, and failures, and everything, I want to know everything about him, and I want him to know everything about me, and I feel like he wants me to mind my business and shut up.
This is not how I want to feel about the man I am going to marry, nor do I feel its the right way to feel about the man your going to marry.
I am so afraid our relationship is going to fail, and now I am in too deep to recover. I am just so afraid of everything right now really. Were still not having sex. I dont know if its him or its me, It could be me, I dont feel interested really in having sex, I dont feel close to him, and I think my birth control pills I take for my skin are messing up my libido cause if he does try to have sex with me, I feel annoyed or just... disinterested, like the last thing I wanna do is get naked for him. He doesnt romance me like he used to and were not even married yet. It makes me wonder why hes holding onto me, to drag me along? I am so sad and confused.. This whole argument today started cause I was a little sad my friend hung himself. he wasnt a super close friend at all but the idea of him hanging himself and not being found for a couple of days just makes me feel awful for him... and all my fiance had to say was "cheer up k!" In this monotonous tone that tells me he doesnt care and I am annoying him by still talking about it. I told him he needs to work on his sensitivity and realize he is whats upsetting me not my depression and all he said was whatever.View Thread
Hey Dennis, and TML thanks for your replies! I was very upset yesterday, as you can imagine. I feel much better today I talked to my fiance when I got home, and I actually printed off this very blog I wrote and read it to him, and tears started rolling down my cheeks and he jumped across the couch and held me, and then he started talking about alot of the things I have wanted to know, and he said he was sorry he makes me feel that way. Gosh I learned alot of things about him, that help me make sense out of why he does what he does! And I said, see hunny, even though these are hard memories for you to talk about, and it makes you angry to think of these memories, its important that you tell me what I want to know when I ask so that I can understand you, I said that is why I have told you any story that I have good Or bad! I told him I want him to understand me, and for me to understand him he needs to share his past too. He kept saying its in the past if I bring it up all it will do is depress me! I want to leave it in the past! But I pressed on that he has to share with me his past or our marriage will not work. He has a son with his first wife, he got married when he was 19 and she left him and made him sign his parental rights over to her new husband, and he has never seen that boy since. Im sure he was heartbroken and just doesnt want to say it to me, ya know, he has this tough facade he wants to hold onto. He has another son and a daughter, and he loves his kids, so I knew it was going to be hard for him to talk about, but I need to know! He is ten years older then me, I said thats alot of life to live and just not share with me. He told me he wont drink with me because he had an ex-girlfriend who was a raging alcoholic and he had to carry her out of the bar, and got in fist fights to protect her, even though she would be asking for trouble. He says thank goodness I am not an alcoholic, but now it makes sense to my why he wont even have just one beer he says it reminds him of her and all the fights and anger... and that makes sense! Because his reputation before me, was mister brewskis regular bar attendee, and I just couldnt make sense out of him not drinking! He really is a good man, he MIGHT be able to go to my therapist with me, and Ill ask if she thinks we need premarital counseling. IDK guys, through all of this, I still think hes the ONE one. If the weather is wet tomoro he will be going to my appt with me, cause they dont pour concrete in the rain or snow... I actually hung out with my ex-boyfriend I used to be in love with yesterday and it was even more confirming to me I should marry my fiance cause being around my ex didnt spark any of those old feelings, maybe its cause we were at the candlelight vigil but I think its cause I really love my fiance. My fiance is making me a better person whether I had realized it or not, and some one like him is worth fighting for. We will probably have more argument but I am sure well work them out. It really helps me alot to just come here and vent and reflect and get outside perspectives, so thanks so much for your time you took to reply to me View Thread
I need help ladies and gentlemens. My man is 34 and I am 24. When I first met him I literally would have to tell him that I needed a break because I was too sore that day and maybe the next day, he would want to have sex 3 or 4 times a day if i let him have it that much. Now, we have had sex about 3 times in the past 4 months. And it was far from satisfactory, it was like he felt that he had to, and didnt try to keep it going, came quickly and fell asleep. I am extremely unhappy. I have tried to be understanding and patient, but I finally felt that something must be wrong so I asked him about it a month ago what his deal is, and he says oh I dont have as much of a sex drive in the winter. Then a week later were driving down the freeway and he makes a comment to me, "I dont know whats wrong with me, maybe I have low T." Theres no reason for him to have low T... hes just seen those commercials about androgel. I work in an endocrine clinic, I think his T level is just fine. Then I finally got upset with him over it a few days ago. I dont expect him to jump in the sack with me RIGHT after a fight, but ummm its called MAKEUP SEX, and I heard its the BEST KIND, and I still havent gotten any! He says hes tired, hes sleepy, he worked too hard. Oh but he has plenty of energy to get up at 4:30 in the morning and freeze his butt off to go Ice Fishing?! I dont know if I even believe him that he doesnt know whats wrong. I just know that I am so sexually deprived at this point, I can not sleep, I feel uptight and angry, and pleasing myself is not enough I crave his touch, I want him to touch me all over. I have been in bad relationships in the past, and I know my fiance is a good man, he works hard, pays his bills, takes care of himself, is responsible, says he loves me, my dad loves him, etc. My ex-boyfriend and I were best friends before we were together, and we got together and for some reason he started using heroin so we broke up. He went to prison, and he just got out a few months ago. I have not seen him for two years, and obviously he is a loser, but he texts me all the time, and I keep in touch cause I told him I would always be there for him as long as he stayed clean from heroin. He is the last person I should open up to about the problems I am having with my fiance, and I am ashamed I can not get him to have sex with me so I didnt really tell my ex how long its been but he tried to convince me I should go out with him and get drunk and sleep with him and we would keep it our little secret. He cheated on me and I know how bad it hurt, I would not want to do that to my fiance, but I have never felt like this before, so sexually deprived. When I was single and I felt this way I would go to the bar and have a one night stand, and feel all better. But now I have a fiance, and I have asked him to have sex with me, and still no luck. Ive even tried parading around in lingerie after a shower etc, he just lays on the couch.
I have never ever been so tempted in my life to cheat on some one before! I feel so bad and so quilty that I cant stop thinking about my exes offer. I think its just because my fiance will not have sex with me, but I worry that maybe hes not the one... I feel like telling my fiance if he wont have sex with me I know some one who would be happy to, right away, ya know?But, I have seen such conversations on the Jerry Springer show and dont anticipate that to go very well though. ha ha...
Im not a bad girl, I dont WANT to cheat, Im just saying I feel bad because I cant stop thinking about it. How can I get my fiance to break this dry spell we're having??!!View Thread
I really hate to be so revealing about our sex life, because I am a bit ashamed I do not have what it takes to keep him interested. At least thats how I am feeling. This weekend... was not that great. Friday he had to work, I honestly dont remember what I did that night cause I was feeling sick.... Saturday he had to work too. Still no sex... Saturday night he went to bed early "Im exhausted" Well I feel pretty tired just about all day everyday cause I have depression and insomnia, not a great mix. Saturday night I just couldnt sleep, I even tried drugging myself with nyquil and instead I was just stumbling around the house like a drunk. I have an Ambien prescription, and its not working anymore. I was a bit intoxicated I guess, so I crawled into bed and woke my fiance. He finally gave me what I have been asking for, BUT all of a sudden he decided he was done, and this happened the last time we had sex too (like a freakin month ago), he kept it going until he figured I had come, and then he stopped with out himself actually coming too. Every other man I have had sex with has been... really adament about making sure they had their load blown. Unless they were drunker then hell and had whiskey dick (excuse my crude wording.) "Im gonna have blue balls, let me finish!"
It sends out a huge red flag for me that he really doesnt seem to have any kind of sexual interest at all. He didnt have any difficulty getting hard, so I dont believe its ED. I am starting to think he might be a skilled cheater who pretends hes going ice fishing when hes really double dipping some one elses cookie jar!!!!! I havent been feeling well (probably cause I caught whatever he had last week), but his satisfaction is still a concern, but he treats me like Im yucky. I didnt treat him like he was yucky, I still wanted to touch him and hold him. I am seriously just so pissed off at this point, I want to kick him out. Its really hurting me im trying to be tough about it, cause Im tired of getting my heart broken but what can I do? Hes making me seriously unhappy with his lack of interest. I am feeling sexually satisfied, but now Im just sad, and getting depressed and feeling like I wanna burst into tears cause my relationship sucks and I dont know why ;( He doesnt have to go into work today until midnight, and he was telling me how tired he was that he was going to nap, and I came home at lunch unannounced and he was getting his ice fishing gear ready. "im sorry hunny I will not go" I dont care if he goes, I just wonder why he tells me one thing and does another! I dont know why ice fishing and hunting are so much more important then me. He told me his ex-wife divorced him cause he hunted too much. Either he needs to get a clue or we werent meant to be, I dont know I am so confused, its hard for me to believe that he is really that into hunting and fishing that hed rather go out and freeze then cuddle with me. I feel very neglected, and its not getting better. He took me to a movie this weekend, and it just felt like it was a hassle for him! I did not really enjoy myself cause I felt as if I had burdened him with the task of taking me on a freakin date. I have depression/anxiety disorder, he hurries me so much, I think he causes me to have anxiety.We were an hour and a half early to the movie even after dinner, I told him it wouldnt hurt to listen to me for once...
I have tried my best to get interested or involved in hunting, but I have my own interests, and he doesnt seem to reciprocate the same for me, my interests are obviously boring to him. At least I try to be interested in hunting, but Im to the point where if he wont do things I want to do, then no I wont go hunting! Its not fair. He didnt even wait for me to wake up yesterday to go to the superbowl party, I just stayed home by myself... he is seriously hurting me and acts confused when I have a frown on my face, I feel like its pointless to even keep bringing up, like hes listening, but doesnt really care!!!!View Thread
In my office we do the testing with blood samples, and I administer testosterone shots to dozens of men every week, they have to come visit me every 2 weeks, and I have been doing this for five years, I didnt mean I can tell just by looking at him, and no Im not a doctor, but I have alot of experience with men who DO have low testosterone, and he does not have any of the other tell-tale symptoms. I dont think cheating will solve anything I just meant that its getting to me so bad that I have thought about it, just to get out my sexual frustration. He does not get health insurance through his job, and I have to be married to him before he can be added to my insurance, so hopefully its just a psychological thing because if he has ED or something it will have to wait til after the honeymoon, and I would rather not have to wait to have my sex machine back. But what can I do, Ive talked to him, and I really love him, and I feel much better now that I think he really sees how hurt I am. Like I said he has a really bad chest cold right now, but when he gets better, promises have been made to me!View Thread
Thanks for all the support, you have all really made me feel better as far as guilt. I do love him so much I came home yesterday after work and told him I was really unhappy, and I had to keep a serious face and tell him exactly how I feel and he finally came and hugged me and held me and told me he is sorry, and he will make it up to me, and he is very attracted to me, and he never meant to let me get so upset, that he loves me and doesnt want me to feel like he doesnt and he is going to try to show me and make things better. He is really sick his voice is going out and he has a cough and cant breathe he just went to work that morning and came home sick, so I had to let him rest, but I hope he feels better soon so he can make it up to me!View Thread
I just want to add that his behavior has made me really question whether we should even be planning this wedding, I am thinking of calling the whole thing off. I am so scared, confused, sad, mad, unhappy, anxious over this, please give me advice I really thought I was in real love this time.View Thread
You are awesome I am so glad I replied to this thread and got advice from you, I really appreciate this, I am going to sit down with him, and have this talk now I think I have calmed down and thought about it and have some ideas for an approach and affirmation that its an important issue to address before we get married. Thanks again so much!View Thread
Im starting this thread after leaving a comment on another thread basically saying the same thing so Im sorry if im giving off the broken record vibe.... My fiance is wonderful, I really love him so much, and have complete faith in our relationship. The only thing is, our love is very new, and we are still learning ALOT about eachother. Im sure you can never know EVERYTHING about a person, but I feel that your spouse is someone you should come pretty darn close to knowing everything about.... Hes had a vasectomy, and while he is not opposed to having it reversed at all, I wonder why he had it done in the first place, when I ask, he gives me the same short answer, and I dont feel its a sufficient explanation. He has a twelve yr old son, and a nine year old daughter with two different women. His sons mother is really cooperative, and friendly, she jokes with me, and we have eachothers phone numbers to coordinate pick up times with the boy. We get to see him every weekend, and Im sure hes falling in love with me. But his daughters mother refuses to let her see us. His daughter was molested by her mothers ex. And now his daughter has issues with adult men... but she has seen her dad(my fiance) since that happened, and I feel that her mom will not let her see my fiance just because of me... I am getting married to him, and still havent gotten to meet his daughter, Id really like to meet her. I dont know what to do about that... Guess its really up to her mom. His daughters mother is much more hateful towards him, cynical, tells him hes worthless etc...hangs up on him, wont answer his calls when he wants to talk to his daughter. I wish he would tell me what happened between them that makes her behave this way... Again when I ask he is very dismissive. He just says shes crazy. Im looking for a story of what lead to them breaking up, and he just wont give it to me. This weekend I finally voiced to him, that I would rather him not make racist comments about strangers, that it really offends me, and he says "ok drop it!" wouldnt even let me finish... I had thought long and hard about confronting him about this, so I told him I wasnt finished, and I kept unloading on him. When I was done, all he said was "ok Im sorry lets not talk about it anymore." I dont want him to retreat with his tail between his legs, or bottle up his opinions... I am so frustrated with his close-ended conversation I havent wanted to have sex. So he shaved off his goatee that he was so proud of, I think he thought I found him unattractive cause of the goatee when it was really his words, and lack of conversation that had me upset. We had sex last night after a week of not having sex, which is the longest we havent had sex since weve met. I was feeling like I had an emotional release, and was being really loud, and he stopped and told me to be quiet! (we live in a duplex below my dad so he didnt want my dad to hear me even though I doubt he can hear anything!) So I started crying cause I was really enjoying our sex, and then he freakin tells me to be quiet?! So I just feel really wierd now, and feel like I need to have a talk, I just dont know where to friggin start... He was done having sex, and told me to go smoke a cigarette and feel better... I didnt even want to try to talk about it, I just wiped my tears and had a cigarette and came back to bed.View Thread
I am replying to your thread Dr Becker-Phelps in hope that other readers might chime in and give me advice... cause Im reading your format for approaching my difficult subject, and I am still stuck. My fiance is wonderful, I really love him so much, and have complete faith in our relationship. The only thing is, our love is very new, and we are still learning ALOT about eachother. Im sure you can never know EVERYTHING about a person, but I feel that your spouse is someone you should come pretty darn close to knowing everything about.... Hes had a vasectomy, and while he is not opposed to having it reversed at all, I wonder why he had it done in the first place, when I ask, he gives me the same short answer, and I dont feel its a sufficient explanation. He has a twelve yr old son, and a nine year old daughter with two different women. His sons mother is really cooperative, and friendly, she jokes with me, and we have eachothers phone numbers to coordinate pick up times with the boy. We get to see him every weekend, and Im sure hes falling in love with me. But his daughters mother refuses to let her see us. His daughter was molested by her mothers ex. And now his daughter had issues with adult men... but she has seen her dad since that happend, and I feel that her mom will not let her see my fiance just because of me... I am getting married to him, and still havent gotten to meet his daughter, Id really like to meet her. His daughters mother is much more hateful towards him, cynical, tell him hes worthless etc...hangs up on him, wont answer his calls. I wish he would tell me what happened between them that makes her behave this way... Again when I ask he is very dismissive. He just says shes crazy. Im looking for a story of what lead to them breaking up, and he just wont give it to me. This weekend I finally voiced to him, that I would rather him not make racist comments about strangers, that it really offends me, and he says "ok drop it!" wouldnt even let me finish... I had thought long and hard about confronting him about this, so I told him I wasnt finished, and I kept unloading on him. When I was done, all he said was ok Im sorry lets not talk about it anymore. I dont want him to retreat with his tail between his legs, or bottle up his opinions... I am so frustrated with his close-ended conversation I havent wanted to have sex. So he shaved off his goatee that he was so proud of, I think he thought I find him unattractive cause of the goatee when it was really his words, and lack of conversation that had me upset. We had sex last night after a week of not, which is the longest we havent had sex since weve met. I was feeling like I had an emotional release, and was being really loud, and he stopped and told me to be quiet! So I started crying cause I was really enjoying our sex, and then he freakin tells me to be quiet?! So I just feel really wierd now, and feel like I need to have a talk, I just dont know where to friggin start...View Thread