What's keeping you from telling your boyfriend, "I'd prefer if we could sit down and discuss the terms of her staying with us with her"? What's keeping you from calling her and saying "Hey, come over so coffee so we can discuss expectations of you living with us"?
Giving people ultimatums usually doesn't prove anything, it just makes them defensive and upset. Asking things, talking about things, encourages empathy and understanding. She doesn't get to do whatever she wants if she lives with you if you ALL just talk about it, and it might take you calmly initiating that.
Therapy/counseling can be extremely inexpensive, many places will have reduced fees for those who need them, churches, synogauges and shelters will offer counseling for free, and support groups (like ones for people with depression,anxiety or low self esteem) are typically free as well. Google your town name and then "support group" to see what kind of help you yourself can get for your issues.View Thread
We're both pretty good at the "It makes ME feel this when you do this" kind of communication, trying to avoid the "You're a jerk because you do this" kind that I've been used to in the past hahaha
I have a lot of anxiety problems and depression issues, and when I start getting overwhelmed, I usually just say "I need space" and then leave the room. He gives me lke fifteen minutes, and then checks up on me every fifteen minutes until I've collected myself. Another thing we do, when it's the world freaking me out and not necessarily my BF, is hop in the shower together. I feel really safe when he just holds me in the hot water and it usually calms me down enough that we don't fight or anything.
Sometimes I draw pictures on our dry-erase board of stick figures labelled as us and like, me handing him a heart if I think I've angered him, or me crying if he hurt my feelings. It starts a conversation in a non-aggressive way, and it usually makes us laugh. View Thread
Why not go to a counselor yourself to work on your depression and self esteem issues? Being able to cope better with your feelings of insecurity and learning how to more fully appreciate yourself might put things in greater context with your boyfriend. Even if he's not up for it, you still have to live your life, and can improve your situation if not his.
I don't think it's appropriate for you or I or anyone besides a professional to diagnose his cousin. Just because someone isn't an incoherent drunk doesn't mean that drinking is detrimentally affecting their life. If you google "functional alcoholic", you'll see that sometimes the people in the worst grips of alcoholism aren't the ones puking on themselves at three in the morning, but people drinking to escape their own feelings and then stumbling their way to work. I've done the AA thing, and many of those people were shocked to see me there and I was shocked to see many of them there. Alcoholism certainly isn't something you could diagnose or dismiss based on one meeting and lack of a degree in psychology.
If it would make you feel better to have her have less access to alcohol while she lives in your boyfriends house, this should be something the three of you calmly discuss. If there are any conditions you want when she moves in, chores, money obligations, time constraints, duration of time she lives with you, keeping the ID or not, attending AA or not, the three of you absolutely have to iron those out before she moves in.
I feel it's unfair of you to just demand she give it to you though, because you're not her counselor or probation officer, and she is an adult. I think it would be extremely disrespectful for you to make any demands especially, because if you two didn't get along the first time you met, she'll probably react poorly. The three of you should talk all together, and if any ultimatums are to be issued, I think your boyfriend should be the one to do it: they're family and he's the one who owns the house.View Thread
First of all, it's his house, right? You're just a roommate, too. And while it would've been better obviously for you two to come to a conclusion, his teenage alcoholic cousin needs a place to stay and he's close with his family. I would think you'd respect a man for having that much allegiance to someone who shares a blood bond with him.
Throw the fake ID away would be a really easy way for her to stop getting served at bars, but it's a really, really unsympathetic way to look at someone who's an alcoholic. It's a really harsh mentality to have on a teenager who is looking for help from a family member who obviously cares about her.
She's skinny and pretty and you're insecure....so you accuse your boyfriend of having incestuous feelings? Really? Is that reasonable to you? I mean, again, obviously your boyfriend could be a lot more empathetic to what you're obviously going through, but instead of asking him to be more considerate or talking to him frankly about your depression, it sounds like you're blaming your depression all on him and using this whole thing as an excuse to move out.
It sounds like your relationship has many, many more problems than just this. You don't seem to respect him or how he spends his money, and you seem almost painfully insecure. What do you do to contribute to the household? Maybe if you contributed more and acted more like an equal partner rather than, in your own words, a 4 year old who needs more attention, you'd have higher self esteem and not be so threatened by someone who doesn't seem to have any designs on making you feel worse.
How is it obvious he'll pay for her if you go out to eat? How long is she planning on living with you? Maybe if you two can discuss these things beforehand (as you should do with any roomie situation) you'd feel better about everything. You also say you two didn't get along when you met only once...was it because of her personality, or because you feel threatened by her? You shouldn't dislike someone just for being attractive, and in other parts of your post you talk about the two of you becoming friends...what makes you think you will be friends if you resent her so much? Why would she want to be friends with someone who thinks she wants to bang her own cousin?
Screaming and fighting for days isn't going to help anything about this. YOU need to CALM DOWN and have a grown up conversation with your boyfriend about your insecurities and fears. You need to set limits with both he and his cousin about how much time you'll all spend together and make sure you still have some time with your BF. You should maybe think about seeing a therapist to deal with your obvious feelings of isolation and dependancy on your boyfriend. It's not just HIS job to figure out how to make this better for you, it's YOUR job to reasonably assert your needs and ask for respect.
It's my opinion that you are seeing this girl as way more of a threat than what she is. She's his cousin!!!!!!!!! Just because he has a close relationship with her doesn't infringe upon his relationship with his girlfriend. You probably are still the most important thing to him, but your actions are driving him away. Why not have a calm discussion over dinner talking about the good things in your relationship and how you want to feel even closer to him? Why not see a couples therapist, or maybe an individual one to find some self worth? It's not unreasonable for you to want to feel loved, but it doesn't seem like he's doing anything too terrible that couldn't be fixed by the two of you having a discussion, not a fight.
I wish you both the best of luck. And honestly, if you're as removed from the situation as it sounds like you are, feel free to ignore all my advice and just move out.View Thread
I'd just go up and say Hi. See how the possible cheater reacts and if he/she introduces me to the potential mistress/manstress. If they have nothing to feel guilty over, they shouldn't care, and if they're up to no good I think it would put the fear of God in 'em.
Then I'd bring it up in a low-key way when we were all together, something like "Did you like your soup the other night?". Then I'd let the couple deal with it. I don't know the nuances of everyones relationship, and I'd hate to embarass the person getting cheated on by being like "That jerk is a cheat!".View Thread
I'm probably going to come off as incredibly naivée with this, but I think it's a load of poop that the romance has to die as a relationship moves on to a more "real" level. Romance is incredibly important to myself and my BF, and we both try a lot every day to keep things fresh and fun.
I ask him every morning "What fun things are you doing at work today?" and he asks me the same: it keeps us both really focused on the positive and on the future we're building together. We always say that the cornerstones of our relationship are hugging and silliness, and we just try to be as silly as possible as often as possible. We make up songs about each other and our cat pretty frequently, and we have different dances for different things, The Dinner Dance, Shower Dance and Pee Dance are just a few. I'm aware that this is incredibly corny, but we both love it.
Every morning, he sings me a song of all my nicknames put together that nobody else has ever heard. It makes me feel wicked special, and makes him feel good to make me feel good. I make up his lunches for him during the week, or do things like secretly buy cake mix when I go grocery shopping so I can randomly bust out a homemade cake (I did this last week, needless to say it went over well!).
He's my best friend, and we both feel the same way, just because we've been together a while doesn't mean we can start slacking on the appreciation and fun of each other. I get teased a lot when people realize how juveneille and weird we really are, but it makes us happy. My Mom has said she'd find it "exhausting" to behave the way we always do, but to us it's just how it is. We like to try new foods, try new exercises, try new sex positions, and read each other books. I'm in class right now, and when I get home from class, M always asks me "What did you learn?" which not only helps me study, but makes for interesting conversation.
So you say that you are both in good health, she has no history of abuse, no trauma, and neither one of you is looking for anything on the side. She won't do counseling nor does she want to go into detail about why she finds snuggling sufficient, and to have sex would be to break an almost decade-and-a-half of mutual celibacy...
Wowza, that's a tough one.
Why not try to initiate during cuddling? What does she do when you try to initiate sex? Has anything changed in your life together that could've turned her off? Does she masturbate? Are you intimate in other ways? Have you tried reminiscing with her about the good old days of your sex life?
If you were to tell her that counseling would be your last step before finding a new sex partner, do you think that would change her mind? Does she realize how you feel about all this, or does she think that you're also satisfied? How's her self-esteem?
I wish you both the best of luck, and hope that if things don't change, you at least find out why they are the way they are. That sounds very, very frustrating.View Thread
If your relationship with your friend is completely appropriate and platonic, what does it matter whether or not you were talking to your boyfriend? If you're just friends, it shouldn't matter what your relationship status is.
What are the contributing factors to your boyfriends' instability?Why do you guys keep breaking up? Is your boyfriend insecure in general? Why does he have a problem with this specific friend?
I sure as heck wouldn't want my BF insisting upon hiring some girl he dated and was "friends" with. If I was uncomfortable about any girl who my BF was friends with and he made her the priority by taking her side in a fight and not respecting my concerns, I'd leave him immediately.View Thread