I've felt unlovable my whole life. My parents would play this crappy game where they'd basically alternate between telling me that I was perfect, but also that any pride in myself was detrimental or undeserved. I feel like basic stuff, like going to a doctor when I'm sick, is my being an egomaniac, so it's a struggle for me to do things that are "good" for me.
I get through it with medication and ignoring it as best I can, basically. I trust my BF enough to be honest with me, and he tells me he loves me. So I just put it out of my mind. It's not ideal, but it's functional.View Thread
My motto in life is "Fix it or Forget it" (well, actually "forget" is actually the f-bomb, but same concept). Anything I don't care enough to fix or that's impossible for me to fix, I put out of my mind and basically accept it as a fact.
I'm not a fan of bashing my head against a brick wall. I don't like being stresed out. I have plenty of ambition and ability, I can change a lot more than what I've given myself credit for in the past. I've found this philosophy has made my life essentially stress-free and more pleasant. View Thread
Making a big deal out of nothing is kind of my area of expertise as well. It's sucky, because even at times where it would benefit me to shut up my internal dialogue, it's almost impossible. I'm glad for your sake that you're working on it, and encourage you to continue! The bigger detriment to joy is self-doubt, and once you master skills to shut up that little voice in your head, I'm sure your situation will seem less dire to you.
I feel like intelligent, logical people are the most apt to shoulder the blame in situations because it's typically easier for people like that to see every side of things. When your point of view is adaptable and you have weaker people blaming you for stuff, it's easy to think "Well, maybe I could've handled that differently". Just remind yourself (all the time, if you have to), that not every thing is under your control.
Keep up the good mental work. And as a fellow self-doubter, I'll pass on the advice my therapist gave me: write down your feelings, and what leads to them. If there is something that you're feeling that's not logical to the things leading up to it, sometimes having that little bit of remove by writing it down can really help a lot. View Thread
hehehe I of course had to creep on your posts, sorry to be a stalker.
Don't be ashamed of where you're at in life! It's not like you squandered your money, you had a legitimate hardship and now you're recouping financially. Any woman worth your time is going to understand that.
I think you're making a big deal of nothing. View Thread
Oh, hush, you didn't sound judgemental and definitely not "so" judgemental. All you were doing was asking questions, which I'm glad to answer.
And not to be judgemental myself, but do you tell people that you divorced because it was "more her doing"? That would put me off a ton from someone, just to editorialize.
If I were you, I'd just leave it at divorced, without getting into fault. To me, the kind of person who assigns blame when they casually talk about it still has a lot of unresolved feelings about it. It doesn't make you look like a jerk or anything, but just that it's something that you haven't moved past. If we're talking about in a situation where you're trying to make a favorable impression on a new woman, it could be that the way you're presenting it could seem bitter.
(No offense! Not that you seem it. Just how it CAN come off)
I'm sorry your divorce is affecting your single life and rest of your life. It is a haaaard thing to go through without the reprecussions being crappy too! If you ever need a place to vent or anything, these boards have a ton of kind, thoughtful people who give really good advice.
I wish you the happiest adventures in your newfound singlehood!View Thread
If you're asking me, I think an early marriage shows poor judgement. And I've had an abortion because my birth control failed, so my feelings on that are pretty black and white.
I'm not saying I'd dislike them or make any judgement call on them having herpes, I just know that with my anxiety issues, it would make a sex life without fear impossible for me. I don't want to have that fear or just honest visceral gross-outedness when I'm depending on that person to be my sole sexual outlet.I'd resent them for it, and not be able to help myself from dragging them over coals for it, why put us both through it?
I'm not saying my standards are how everyone should feel, or that anyone's wrong for feeling differently. They just have worked for me so far.View Thread
For me, divorce is only a deal-breaker because of my age. It's only because I'd consider it a red flag if someone my age had already gone through the feeling that they wanted to spend forever with someone and had it not work out.I just think it shows somewhat poor judgement to marry super early, and the fact that it had been so bad that there was no saving it would show that the person had allowed emotion to put them into debt, thatisn't something that fits in with my standards for what I want in a partner. Or it means that they quit early, which I also wouldn't like.
It's funny actually because my uncle and I recently had a conversation about this. He's a divorced 46 year old father of 2 teenagers, and was telling me he doesn't want a woman with "issues"- which he was saying would be kids, an ex-husband, the desire to have kids, debt...I finally told him that to find a woman that would be appropriate for him to date with none of his "issues" would mean that she had issues! If I were to be 46 and looking at a potential partner who had NO kind of history of debt,kids and emotional entanglements, I honestly would assume they're pretty guarded emotionally. Not my type. So I see what you're saying 100%. I just feel like because I've kept that kind of drama out of my life with relative ease, I could expect that from a partner.
You're actually incorrect about the illness thing...if you read my posts a lot you know I live with the man I believe to be my soulmate, M. M and I came very, very close to splitting up last year due to his sleep apnea and subsequent weight gain. Had he not been returned to his usual through surgery and a new diet/exercise regiment, I was more than willing to walk.
Agin, it comes down to age. If I were 50 and the man I'd spent 20 years with was starting to deteriorate, I'd be more than willing to work with that. But I'm not about to tie my life to someone who won't either enjoy it in the capacity I want to, or won't be around to enjoy it with me. It just doesn't make sense to me to make a lifelong committment with someone I know won't have what I consider to be a happy life. I know, it's mean and callous and harsh. But on many levels, I'm kind of mean, callous and harsh.
My abusive-ex and I (before things went really downhill) had been discussing marriage. When I told my grandparents about it, my grandfather was only a few months away from the COPD he'd suffered with for years finally killing him. The piece of advice he gave me? Not to marry Ex because Ex had a spinal cord injury for which he was prescribed Vicodin. My Grandfather, who had been castrated by illness, told me that to try to spend forever with someone who was "broken" was just stupid. I agree with that, and coming from someone who had burdened his spouse of 46 years with his own sickness, I figure he knows what he was talking about.
I don't want to spend my healthiest years pushing around a wheelchair or wiping someone's butt. And in your hypothetical of being with someone for six months and then them dropping something like that on me, I'd appreciate them for giving me an early out before I fell more in love with them, and immediately put on hold whatever romantic relationship we'd been building. In a perfect world I'd be able to be a supportive friend and HypotheticalMan would back off on the idea of being with me, but that's selfish on my end and realistically he'd resent me and hate me for being so selfish.
And then I'd go on a hike, to remind myself of WHY health matters to me, and I wouldn't regret for one second my decision.
Thanks for the congrats, and hope this clarifies!View Thread
That really depends on the baggage. I need to be fair to myself if it's something that I can or can't take, but I also need to be fair to the other person. I'm 24, and my feeling is that if a person is already divorced at my age or already has a kid from an unsuccessful relationship, I won't be able to deal with it. Why waste their time winning me over if I know from the get-out that it's more than I can deal with?
I wouldn't date someone with a criminal record of violence, wouldn't date an alcoholic, wouldn't date an alcoholic who'd been through treatment, and wouldn't date someone with an incurable STD. I wouldn't date someone who was in massive debt, and I wouldn't date someone who had serious health issues.
I pretty much hold any potential dates to the same standards I hold myself. I can bring to a relationship no children, no ex-spouses, a decent credit score and a pristine vagina. I expect someone to at least be able to give what they can get from me.
My current BF doesn't have much more baggage than your typical upper-middle-class only child. Of course he has issues with his parents and family, of course his history isn't 100% perfect, of course he's dated some crazy people before me. But in general, he's just a pretty normal guy with whom I can have a pretty normal relationship.
I hate to admit, but two and a half years ago when we met, I had way more baggage than he did. I was completely upfront about it from day one, and he was accepting of it. And with his help, I've gotten over most of it and am now just a basically normal person. It's nice not to lump myself in as a "person with baggage" for the first time in my life. View Thread
Do you really feel like he would've been justified in beating you and threatening suicide if you were texting a guy who wasn't "just friends"? That's nuts.It doesn't matter what the "reasons" are for abuse, an abusive person will create "reasons" to treat you exactly how they want to. Which in this case, is terribly.
Fixing your relationship isn't on just your shoulders, it's on both of yours, but because you don't see his physical and emotional abuse as something that he has to "fix", you will not be treated well by this man, ever.
He's not there for you. He's a rapist, abuser, manipulator. By allowing yourself to stay in that situation, you are consenting to being treated that way. An abuser will always make sure there's enough "good" in a relationship to keep you there. Treating you "like a princess" but attempting suicide and blaming you? That's not treating you like a princess,that's keeping you on a rollercoaster, unbalanced enough that you don't quite want to get off it. Not fair to you.
Is drinking really an excuse for rape to you? What else will be ok if he's drunk? Where are your boundaries? To what standards do you hold him?
This is an utterly toxic situation, not just because of what he's done to you, but because you find it acceptable and make excuses for him. You really should leave, but if you're unwilling to do that, at least see a therapist. Maybe they can help you have some self-worth and realize how much danger you're really in. There are also women's shelters in every community, through which you can get access through any church or crisis hotline. I hope for your sake you leave this man before he hurts you worse than what he already has. You are in danger every day that you stay.View Thread