You have an "excuse" to leave. He beats you, molests you, has anger issues, is dangerous to you and your children, is an appalling example for your children, has isolated you completely, and doesn't actually "care" about you, he cares about controlling you.
This is what an abuser does. He makes you leave your family, support him, but make you feel like he's somehow supporting you. He traps you into feeling like you can't leave at all. He makes you feel like you're necessary to him. Honestly, he probably would come after you once you left...but basically what you're saying is that you'd rather LIVE WITH someone you are terrified of, rather than try to get away from it. Which makes no sense.
You're making excuses for him, just like his mother does. He doesn't get mad about sex, and wasn't mad about the comment you made. He's a sick person, and anything can set him off. You could be on your "best behavior", and it wouldn't matter, he would still have the issues he does and treat you the way he does.
You wouldn't be letting anyone down. Divorces are sad, but no happy couple divorces. No child wants their parents to divorce, but children don't understand the scope of adult relationships. How are you going to explain it to your children if this guy starts leaving bruises? How are you going to take care of your kids if this guy KILLS you?
It's OK to care about him as a person, but you're endangering yourself to continue living with him. Go to the police, get a restraining order if it'd be better that he be the one that leaves, but you absolutely need to get him out of your life.
Your unsympathetic co-worker was probably just frustrated that you make excuses for him, and don't want to leave him. An abusive relationship makes every relationship harder, and the people that care about you aren't exempt from that. Nobody wants to see you suffer. If you were a friend of mine and I had to hear about the horrors you go through and then watch you drive home to that every night, I wouldn't want to talk about it either. It's depressing, and scary. Some people would feel like an accessory to hear about it and not have you make any changes.
Intellect and education have nothing to do with abuse, and it's my opinion that smart people make better targets because their intellect allows them to make excuses for things and see "the other side" even when they shouldn't. You wouldn't be a failure to get out of a situation that's toxic for you and your children. You'd be a failure to let your children witness it and follow that example. How would you feel if your daughter was in this situation? How would you feel if you witnessed your son hitting his future wife? If you allow them to think a relationship like yours is normal, the chances are better of them emulating you.
Obviously it's your life and obviously nobody from an internet forum can make you change what you do. I just think honestly that you're killing yourself by staying, if not physically than emotionally. You're setting your children up for a painful, difficult childhood, and let's just keep our fingers crossed that he doesn't start beating them. For every day that you stay, you're telling your husband "I consent to have you treat me like this". And while that is your decision, I think you know deep down that it's the wrong one.View Thread
Why do you think he thinks you would hurt yourself if he left? Have you moved on past your suicidal ideations? I hate to be cold, but like...you don't owe him for sticking by you that whole time. I mean, it's great that he did and I know you feel like you owe him a lot, but you've brought yourself away from that using your own inner strength. Just because someone is great for you at one point in your life doesn't mean you owe them the rest of your life.
I understand his aversion to therapy, I used to be very anti-therapy myself. But do you think if you just told him straight forwardly "If we do not see a counselor, I will end this relationship" that he would go see one? Is he as dedicated to this relationship as you are? I hate to say it, but you've done a LOT to make it work and you've been the catalyst of any and all good change (according to your posts) and he's just gone along with it. That doesn't make him a bad guy, but do you want to be with someone who you can't really communicate with, doesn't want to fix it, and doesn't make you feel loved and cherished for the rest of your life? Again, I understand how he feels about it, but at the same time, his feelings about therapy should be secondary to his wanting to stay with you. He should want to better himself and this relationship so you can BOTH be happy and healthy.
I was pleased when you said communication wasn't a problem for you, but if it's a problem for him, it's a problem in your relationship. You can't dance with someone who doesn't want to, no matter how good of a dancer you are: you can't have an open relationship with someone who refuses to be open. I know it's frustrating that he won't get with the program, but that's his choice. He's choosing not to improve your sexual and emotional relationship.
I guess my last bit of advice is the advice I give all my friends. When women talk about giving their "all" in a relationship, I get pissed. If you give your all to a relationship, what do you have left that's just yours? And pragmatically, I don't think men find it attractive when you just take what they give you. I think most men like a woman who will assert herself, and even if it means ending up alone, I think you'd respect yourself more for having the ability to walk away from something that, while it isn't terrible, just isn't working for you. You deserve a relationship that makes you HAPPY, not just is functional, ya know?
A relationship needs love to be worthwhile, but it also needs to be pleasant to be successful. It sounds like the love is there, but honestly it doesn't sound like you're enjoying this relationship at all. Isn't the point of having a boyfriend to laugh with someone, have good sex with someone, feel connected to someone, express yourself freely with someone, not have to walk on eggshells and have to justify having some space to yourself?
I'm a pretty black and white person, though, and I wouldn't be able to put up with someone who got teary-eyed over my wanting space. I just think that's outrageous.
In terms of remaining friends after, that would be up to you two. It sounds honestly as though you've distanced yourself from this relationship, so you'd have an easier time of keeping it platonic if you wanted. This also means that you'd have to be very vigilant, not lead him on, not be too close to him immediately post break-up. That would just depend on both of your comfort levels, though of course with working together you would both at least have to be civil.
As to your sexual problems, is he really out of shape? It could be that diet and exercise would make a significant improvement. You shouldn't get offended by this, though, unless he's said anything about not being attracted to you. Do you listen to his fantasies, try to make things "sexy" before sex? If you've both gotten into a rut sexually, it could be that you need to spice things up. Be willing to share and willing to listen to what you both want. That all being said, if you've been emotionally disconnected because of his clinginess, I'd just chalk this relationship up to experience and kindly end things.
I wish you both the best of luck, regardless of what you decide to do.View Thread
Why on earth do you want your family to stay together if your husband is part of it? You can still be an excellent, loving mother without getting molested, beaten and abused.
Your post made me cry, hun. I've been a victim of sexual/emotional/physical abuse myself and I know how scary it is, how much it hurts, the fear, the self-loathing and doubt. Nobody deserves that, least of all your children. You owe it to them to get out of there and don't look back.
If you have friends, family, stay with them. You don't have to get into the "why"s of it, just get out. Bring your kids and enough clothing and other supplies that you wouldn't have to go home for a few weeks (when your husbands rage is apt to be at its highest). If you don't have friends or family, go to a church. They'll either help you there directly, or be able to find a women's shelter where you and your children will be safe.
I am so, incredibly sorry for what you've gone through, and what you're going through. It was extremely brave of you to be this honest, and I know it was probably painful as hell. Hold on to that strength, though, and use it to get away from this situation. Nobody deserves it, your kids don't deserve this kind of relationship being how they see people connecting.
You know this isn't acceptable, and you HAVE to show your daughter especially that a woman does not let herself get treated this way. You HAVE to show your son that a man will end up alone if he treats someone this way. You have the power to get away from this, and you know he's lying when your husband says he loves you and wants to see a therapist. You know the name calling is unacceptable. Your fantasies show you know what you want in life, and it is up to you to get it for yourself. I wouldn't reccomend contacting this other man until you are divorced from your husband and have had some therapy to deal with the emotional fallout from being in a relationship like the one you've suffered in for the last decade. But you do deserve a fantasy man, even if it's not this one, a man who will love you, treasure you, respect you: love you as a sexual partner, mother, and friend.
It's up to you. Get out, find a safe place to be. Start rebuilding YOUR life for YOU and your children. Ignore this man. If he's like most abusers he'll catch the moon from the sky to win you back, make promises and plans that you know deep down in your soul he won't keep. You need to avoid contact with him, you need to get his poison out of your system.
You owe this to yourself, and the future you're capable of having. I wish you only the best of luck, and hope you're out of there soon.View Thread
Honestly, he sounds depressed to me. Did anything happen three years ago that might have affected him deeply?
And I agree with Dr. Becker-Phelps, letting things go and waiting until it comes up again is a big thing to work on. Things never really go away, they just get deeper and bigger into your relationship until you start to really resent the other person. Would you two consider therapy? Sometimes having another unbiased person can help break through communication difficulties.
I didn't mean to imply that sex was a reason not to marry someone (though to me it definitely would be), but his refusal to fix it would be a huge deal to me. Have you tried to explain to him that his lack of communication is making you feel unwanted? Maybe that's why he feels like you fight more than what you feel you fight, he could be feeling distant and isn't able to communicate that. Have you told him times that you're disagreeing "I'm not fighting with you, we just have a difference of opinion"?
Best of luck, and I hope you two can get through this in a way that satisfies you both.View Thread
The problem here is communication. You either need to get to a point where you can figure out what his physical problem is, or figure out why he's not attracted to you anymore.
How often do you fight? What about? How do you two make up? Do you try to talk about sex with him when you're not in the heat of the moment or frustrated? How do you try to make him feel like more of a man when you discuss him seeing a doctor?
When do you plan on being married to him? No offense, but why are you still planning on marrying someone who for the bulk of your relationship doesn't want to have sex with you? They call it "making love" for a reason, and when your partner is refusing to show you the physical manifestation of love for so long, I can't imagine how lonely you must feel. How does he feel about it?
You just need to trust that what he tells you is how he feels. Does he typically lie about his goals for the future or how he sees himself? Who cares what his friends think, really?
I think everyone just kind of assumes that once you're with someone for a certain degree of time, marriage and kids are the next step. Most people assume this harmlessly, it's only because that's the typical "next step" and it's a common denominator in western culture, so it's just something that does come up.
However, I definitely understand being annoyed. I'm slightly younger than you and my BF and I have been together 2.5 years, and ALL THE TIME my friends and family are asking us "when" we're going to have kids and get married.I'm ambivalent about marriage, but I also don't want kids, and that's like common knowledge about me but people still bring it up. I've found not engaging in the conversation is what works best for me, and a tactful "What goes on in my womb is really up to me" has been how I've made my opinion known without seeming defensive. Honestly, you do seem really negative about it. Maybe your BF is taking that like you're rejecting HIM, not just the concepts of marriage and having children. Have you both assured each other that basically it's nothing personal?
I wish you the best of luck, and hope that both of you can trust each other to be truthful with each other about where your relationship goes.View Thread
We've never really discussed this, nor have I ever found it an issue with anyone else. M's an EMT and part of that means driving an ambulance, so I trust him to drive adeptly. He's never said anything to me, and I know I'm a terrible driver! He's just a tactful guy and wouldn't complain while I was driving and he wasn't.
My feeling is, if they're legally allowed to drive, they're a fine driver. If it's not the way I'd do it, I'd just offer to drive next time. If it's something where I really feel like I'm in danger I would definitely bring it up, but I guess I'm just fortunate where I've never been too too afraid!View Thread