Great topic Dr. Leslie! I hope everyone is doing well. It's been awhile.
I have often wondered if staying with my husband is settling. Many have wondered why I have stayed, and my main reason is for my kids. In the past few months, my answer would be yes, I believe I was settling for less than what I deserve. His unfaithfulness and deceit was destroying years of love and friendship. I found myself forgiving him and loving him even more for trying to change. Either I've accepted that he will never change, or I became stronger in knowing that I can leave him without devastating effects financially. I've become this person that understands that my life is determined by how I react to situations good or bad.
The challenge is when it involves others, such as my kids, I've got to think about them and not myself. We just celebrated Mother's day and I looked into their young eyes and knew I would do anything for them. Each day I ask myself, "Am I settling, is this truly enough for me?"
I place my faith in God for direction, not depending on my emotions, not being swayed by my anger at him. I've gained wisdom to protect myself and the kids if my marriage ends. More on that topic later...
Thank you Dr. Leslie. Your advise is always helpful and right on time. I have done everything there is to do. I agree that there comes a point when it is wiser to let go.
It's interesting that he can be a great provider, protector, and dad but fails in being a husband. He doesn't insult me, avoids conflict, prepares and cooks elegant meals, does homework with the kids, and cleans the house so I can rest! You would think we have the perfect life together...
I truly believe he loves me but is not "in love" with me. It's becoming apparent that his love changed years ago and he will not admit it to himself.View Thread
Thanks Dennis for your heartfelt response. You are so caring and help everyone on this site. Thank you from the bottom of my heart!
I've read the part where you said, be spontaneous and meet him at the door...I have done that and still he sent her many text messages the night before our Anniversary! We worked as a solid team, the communication was stronger than ever...I thought this was what he was missing before, our bond before we had kids. I did everything I could to put him first. I neglected myself, trying to be sexier, trying to be everything I thought he wanted...wow, this is making tears form. It was as though I was trying to correct the things I thought I was doing wrong. I was on edge when the kids were taking so much of my attention and he would sigh in frustration. I felt nervous and fearful that he would cheat because of the many duties that came with taking care of the kids, bills, etc. I did everything to make life easier, but wasn't true to myself.
I've been carry the load this whole time...I'm so tired. I need and deserve a vacation!! It's time to allow myself to cry, to dream, to conquer my fears.
So Dennis, I have done everything I could do with this man...there is nothing left...the ball is in his court. I'm not even on the sidelines waiting anymore...I'm not in the locker room for half-time...I'm in the parking lot about to drive away.View Thread
I agree with Dennis, excellent topic to discuss. I'm starting to wonder if this was the cause of my marriage issues. I thought because we didn't get into nasty fights or fights at all we were doing great. We didn't even disagree about what to eat, watch on tv, etc.
It was a fairytale because deep down we had issues. If I had an issue or concern I would write about it or just read a book on the matter. We shared so many common interest and were the best of friends that the smallest issue had an immediate solution without a long discussion or disagreement. He never pointed out issues like he's doing today.
I believe if he and I had more open discussions we would be in a better place right now. If he would have come to me with his feelings, then this would have helped him from cheating. The question is, why didn't he talk to me?
I remember his hurt words, "I just see you as a mother..." I truly think that he feels this way today...I'm deeply wounded by that comment. He's tried to take it back, dismissing it all together. If that's how he feels, how in the world can he say he loves me? There's two forms of love, being in love with someone (romantically) and loving someone (friend, family).
Dr. Leslie, I'm on the border lines...how can I communicate to my husband that there's two forms of love? When a person cheats, that's not love...why can't he see that?View Thread
I love meditation! I've missed it. It can become hard to find time because of life's responsibilities. I'm a wife, mother, etc.
I found that when I sat in the park on a warm sunny day, I would relax finding an inner peace. Watching nature around me allowed new ideas and goals to flood my mind. I would write poetry or add to my daily journal. This was needed every day, but I've taken it for granted.
Please Roh find a way to meditate even if it's starts in small amounts. Dr. Leslie is correct and made me want to start today.
I hope everyone is doing well this week! I've been extremely busy...but you're always in my heart and thoughts. Talk soon!View Thread
Love those questions Dr. Leslie! I had to think about it for a day, that's why I haven't posted yet. If I'm truly honest with myself, I believe I stay with him because I feel complete, he has always been there in everything. He is reliable in other areas except when it comes to my heart. I loved him the moment I saw him...knew he would be my husband one day.
In reading Roh's post about communication, I'm examining my reactions to situations as well. WHY continue to allow this man to hurt me? My words tell him, I will not accept this behavior, but by staying with him what does that say?
I never believed in divorce, it frightens me, it's like a death. How will I be when he's not around? How will the kids manage when their dad always came to the recuse with projects and activities, or when they had a bad dream? My greatest fear is that he will be an absent father once we get a divorce...the kids will suffer. How can I change their world? I married this man, gave my heart, and he cheated. They didn't ask for this, neither did I, but they don't deserve this pain.
I've never shared this, but my husband has other kids and he doesn't speak to them often. When he left the mother, he distanced himself to avoid conflict with her.
Basically arguing with the mother made it hard to talk with the kids. I've tried to bridge the gap in communication, making him send emails, and call. I ask him often, when are you going to call your kids? Why don't he take initiative and reach out to them? I don't want that to happen to my kids.
They say love is blind...that is true. I guess I should have seen this coming. Thought it would be different with me. Felt our love would withstand his past behavior.
Question for everyone...is love truly enough to change a person? Is love enough to stop a person from cheating?
Hey Dennis! Yes, you are right about the kids. They pick up on your mood. My daughter (age 6) looks at me with knowing eyes...I cry behind closed doors thinking I'm protecting them, but it comes out over homework, doing chores, etc., I'm very frustrated and they know something is up.
In discussing (yelling) at my husband last week, I reminded him of what he told our son (age 5) when he lied, "You have to tell the truth so I can trust you." I brought to his attention that he needs to practice what he teaches.
I will never fully trust him again...it's sad. I haven't made any moves yet. I'm a planner and want to make sure plan A, B, C is thought out.View Thread
I love the fact that you're facing your strengths and weaknesses head on! If everyone did what you're doing now I believe relationships would be even stronger.
Some people are in denial to what hinders them and don't learn from past behavior. It's extremely hard to face themselves in the mirror. The problems get worse, they feel awful and it may be too late to reverse the damage.
Great for you Roh! Keep striving to improve one day at a time! I know you can do it.View Thread
Thanks Dem for responding! Yes, we have two kids together. That's why I've stayed so long. I don't want to be a single mom, and they will miss their dad being around. They are very young, 5 and 6. He's a great father, just not faithful to me.View Thread
I need everyone's help in making sure I'm not assuming how my husband feels. Here's my question:
Your husband has displayed a pattern of cheating since you've been married. You put on the blind folds and said to yourself it's because he lost his brother, we lost a child and our income hasn't been great. So a year or two goes by and he cheats again. His reason, "I'm not the man I need to be, I can't support you and the kids financially...blah, blah." He breaks down talking about his brother's passing and loosing control of things he's suppose to be responsible for. We decide to seek counseling and give it another shot. Things seemed to be great, we worked as a team. I made sure my to give more attention. He made a comment "I just see you as a mom" That really hurt...so I made sure we were solid in doing things together.
So if you've read my previous post, I look at his phone in December and notice text to the same woman. This is on the eve of our 9th Anniversary! How can he fix me a great romantic dinner, be intimate and then send her a text the next hour?
He promised to put his family first and doing what's right in 2015. Ok, let's test him....he fails. I saw a call to her two days ago. He denies it right to my face. That's why Dennis I blew up. I've given him chance after chance.
Finally, here's my question: "Do you think he's in love with her?" It's been the same woman for over a year. He spends most of his time with me, but what about the in between moments? The running a quick errand to the store or "I have a meeting?" It seems to be an emotional connection, I don't know if he's slept with her...but emotional connections are worst, right?
I told him to be out by June, or contact her now and say, "Baby we can be together." I told him that he can be in the kids lives and that I'll still support his dreams. I can't live like this anymore.
Hearing your comments will help me make this decision solid. Thanks in advance! I appreciate the support.View Thread