The fact that you don't find Jackass or The Hangover funny doesn't mean you've lost anything. Those kinds of shows are designed to make 14 year-old boys laugh. I'd be far more worried if you did find them funny.
The fact is, we change constantly over the course of our lives. We're never the same person that we were a year ago or 5, 10, 20 years ago. Our experiences change us.
In terms of relationships, we're all self-centered to an extent: we expect the relationship to meet our needs. If we invest in the needs of our partner, it's at-least partially because we expect a return on that investment--we expect them to be attentive to our needs.To use Gary Chapman's language, if you help keep your partner's love tank full, then they'll have the fuel they need to do the same for you.
Roh, perhaps you'd enjoy doing something 100% for others, like volunteering at a soup kitchen, or whatever does it for you. I find it liberating to sometimes devote myself entirely to a task that is not about me at all.View Thread
(I normally post on Couples Coping, but there seems to be more traffic here...)
We rang in the new year with sex--the most terrible, unsatisfying lame quickie sex I've ever had.
How do you have this conversation with your wife of 26 years--that after years of being frustrated by how infrequently we had sex, I'm now even more frustrated by the rare occasions when we do have sex? She's basically finally succeeded in completely eradicating my desire to have sex with her.
Her idea of sex: she comes to bed naked and says, "are we going to do it?" Then, I have to pry her legs apart. A couple minutes of foreplay might be grudgingly tolerated, then we get it over with, the more quickly the better. She surely doesn't care if it's satisfying for me, but she also doesn't seem to want it to be satisfying for her, either. I've told her many times what would make sex more fulfilling and appealing to me--she's simply not willing to lift a finger to achieve those goals.
I, on the other hand, am more of a pleaser personality. My enjoyment of sex is determined about 95% from whether I am able to make it satisfying for my wife. But she doesn't allow that, either. She actively prevents any kind of touch that might lead to pleasure/orgasm for her.
We had a rough stretch in our marriage a few years ago, but things have been a lot better in the last couple years--outside of the bedroom, anyway.
I just feel lost about this. I'm not ready for a life without sex (I'm 49 years old), but I can't stand her idea of sex, either. I really don't want to divorce, and cheating is not an option for me.
If I told her today that I'm not interested in having sex with her anymore, I doubt that she'd be too upset about that. (About not having sex anymore, I mean. I'm sure she'd be upset and feel rejected about me saying I don't desire sex with her anymore.)
I've tried talking to her about this many times in the past. I've read books and suggested that she read them (she doesn't). We're a gender-role-reversed couple in some ways, one of them being that I'm the only one who ever wants to talk about the health of our relationship.
I just really don't know how to take the next step. I'm feeling pretty lost.View Thread
I always appreciate your advice, tmlmtlrl, no matter how blunt.
I grew up in Michigan--where I live now (Kansas) definitely gets a lot less snow, but we've been getting it pretty steadily this winter--a few new inches every time the last snow is in danger of melting. We got another 3 inches or so last night.
Yes, I think that intimacy in our relationship is lacking, generally, and when we have lame, awkward, unfulfilling sex, it just makes things that much worse. She just kindof lives in her own little world and seems perfectly happy for me to only be on the periphery of that world.
She has actually never admitted not enjoying sex anymore, although it is perfectly obvious that she doesn't. She's kindof an odd case that way--it's very hard to get her to open up about anything.View Thread
I do all of the laundry, all of the cooking, etc. I easily hold up my end on the housework. Apparently, she has never gotten the memo about men doing housework being the ultimate panty peeler.
We've tried date nights before, we've tried counseling a couple different times. We went away for the weekend last summer--it was nice, but nothing changed long term. I think the thing is, she's perfectly OK with the way things are, it appears. We don't really have a romantic life--we love each other and care about each other, but we kiss more or less the way I kiss my mother. We're like room mates who have very boring sex once or twice a month.View Thread
I completely agree, FCL. Compromise honors and empowers both parties. Non-compromise tends to give one party all of the power and leave the other feeling resentful.
It's not all that different from mismatched libidos, where the lower libido partner has all the power in the sexual relationship. A partner who, say, decides to lives as messily as s/he likes (after all, if their partner wants the house neater, s/he can make it neater), or who imposes their high standards of tidiness on their partner without compromise, is sending the message that their partner's preferences and desires are unimportant to them.
My office is fairly untidy, but it is a working space (relaxation is not the goal), and it is NOT a shared space.
At home, it's the opposite. I keep things tidy because clutter is a stressor and because it is a form of courtesy to the people with whom you share the space.
For those who are the less neat partner. I'm far from a neat freak, but a cluttered house stresses me out. It's hard to relax in a cluttered living room. So try to keep that in mind of your partner wants you to be tidier. It's stress-reducing for them.View Thread
The natural consequence of his lack of passion in life is your loss of sexual desire for him.
What would be the natural consequence of your loss of sexual desire for him? No sex.
I'm not a fan of game-playing and withholding, but I don't think that's what this is. You have communicated to him what this is doing to you desire for sex with him, and he is making a choice not to do anything about that. If sex stops, it's really his choice, not yours. You say your husband still has a pretty high sex drive despite his depression--maybe this is one of the few things that would motivate him to action?View Thread