people lets take our board back. I am seeing post going unanswered. We have never been about that. This board has always been about reaching out to everyone.
I'm Paja, known lunatic. I am here and accounted for. last 4 months have been a medical/psychiatric nightmare. I am still not rowing with both oars but under close medical supervision as I try to regain my footing.
Hmm, what happened to DOGDANCING? Long story but she was offed by an alter over the summer. When Ste is 100% sure I am safe to return to the boards unsupervised I will change my user name to something less repulsive. Until them he chaperons by making me use this wretched one.
* * * * * TRIGGER * * * * * *
I'm currently healing a nasty 3rd degree burn across the top of my foot. So I am obviously still not well.
I am only 11 days free of SIV.
The good thing that came out off all this is a voice in the dim that said. "I am so tired of getting hurt for the actions of others." It has given me much to chew on.
This has been a extremely rough week & 1/2. I'm struggling on levels that should send me straight to the locked unit at the local hospital.
I don't have my usually support here on the board. This board has been a place to vent and be heard and sometimes that would make the difference between injuring and not. It eased the pressure and helped me feel connected and not so alone. It devastating to have the board no longer be on my support team.
What can we do to undo all the damage that was done here?
There is a need for message boards for self injurers. With out them the behavior slides back into the hidden/silent realm. That is a strep in the wrong direction.View Thread
I'm not sure if anyone remembers me, I haven't been on in about a year, mainly because I was better and finally overcoming my agoraphobia thanks to my boyfriend, who I call "Hero" on here. Yayy! I am finally living life again!
Annnd then I started getting bullied... best part? It's my family doing it...
So here's the story.. I'm 16 and Hero is 22 we met a year and a half ago and have been in love ever since (Though he did try not to because of the age). When we met I was going down a slippery slop that resulted in me attempting suicide, he was the one to talk me out of it (hens, "Hero"). I opened up to my family when they rejected me for dating an older man, telling them ALL about my low point and how he's helped. Everyone who got to know Hero after, ended up loving him, everyone who refuses to meet him has put both myself and my mother (for "bad parenting"?) through hell.
My cousin (37 years old) starting posting about me on facebook for the world to see to the point of me getting the police involved... Apparently anything written on facebook can not be considered harassment or bulling. Before I got the cops involved, my mom called this cousin and tried talking our way through it (too nicely if you ask me) and she yelled at my mom for being an awful parent. When my mom told her that I started relapsing again because of her she told me to go kill myself because 'I won't, I'm all talk just to get my way'. On facebook other family members started responding to her saying "Way to go!" "I agree" "Finally someone said something" etc. and my brother who I thought I was close with takes sides with her along with his girlfriend who defends her saying to me to grow up because it wasn't bullying.
Why do people in there 30's get their kicks off of Bullying a 16 year old for being happy once in her life? Looks like I'm spending the holiday's alone this year, at least I still have Hero and my parents.View Thread
Self-Mutilators go through great lengths to hide their scars and secure their secret of self-injury. However, keeping that part of you hidden from the world takes a great toll.There are so many cases regarding people finding out about cutters. For whatever reason they will see that cut but, I really want to know is it possible that maybe we want people to find out? Somewhere along the cutting spree do we mess up on purpose? Is this our way of asking for help? Allowing someone to see our pain?
Hello to everyone. I have been feeling extremely lonely, even when in the presence of others. It doesn't...
Posted by Anon_473
Hello to everyone. I have been feeling extremely lonely, even when in the presence of others. It doesn't matter if they are my DH, family, co workers, etc. I feel utterly empty. Not even a deep long hug gives me that full feeling I am seeking. Does anyone out there know what I am talking about? It is the empty feeling you get in the pit of your belly and you think: "Maybe if someone hugs me and shows me love, that feeling will go away."
The loneliness feeds the sadness which feeds the depression which feeds the anxiety which feeds into the need for control.
I want to stop the cycle and all I can think about is SH. However, DH will become extremely upset with me. At this point his plate it full and I shouldn't be adding onto it.
I don't have friends I can count on. It's as if I am all by myself in this world. I tell myself all the time that I must learn to rely on myself and myself only. I am the only person I cannot run away from. Why can't I be strong? What can I do to learn to be more self reliant? Why can't I be happy with what I've got?
I just want to be numb. I just want to dissociate from any negative feelings that I am having right now. But how do I do it without SHing?View Thread
dnt no what happened but 2 nights ago im laying in bed then all the sudden i felt this weird feeling in my heart then i felt my body take a breathe and then i felt my heart stop beating dnt no how long i was like that for but all i remember after is popping up gasping for air. You all probally think im crazy but i no what i felt and i felt my heart stop beating n i havent told my wife yet cause i dnt want her 2 get worried for nuttin. just wanna know if anyone can tell me what happenedView Thread
Does anyone have any experience with dissociative episodes and self harm. I am considered a self-harmer by my providers I guess you can call them that. I have only consciously harmed four times total. All the other elf-harm took place while I was "Zoning Out" or having a dissociattive episode. I would wake up or come out of it with everything bandaged and cleaned up. I am not currently harming in any manner like that now what is happening is that I am having longer and longer dissociative episodes. I have a therapist that I just started seeing because I was ok and then I realized I was zoning out for long long periods. I guess I need to know if anyone has any experience in turning this defensive mechinism off.View Thread
* * * * * * * * * * * It is hard to believe I haven't posted since September of 2008. Even more surprising I have not done any SH since then even though I wanted to off and on. I have a question for anyone who is using the board now. I recently found out one of my friends cuts too. I let her know I have been through dealing with SH for a while and offered her my support. The part I am baffled by is that she told me she cuts because it gives her a high. I don't understand because I have always SHed to feel normal. Do any of you get a high from it? She has a therapist and takes meds so at least I know I am not her only support with this. Thanks Sandy View Thread
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Posted by An_253028
space -----------------------------------------space ---------------------------------------space ------------------------------------space ---------------------------------------- i really wanna cut off my pinky to punish myself. thats a hole new level of injuring for me. but the pain is so great that is all i think off. i failed to protect my daughter and i must be punished. every other type of injury just isn't enough. i need to go big. scared once this door is open, i will never get it closed again.View Thread
Ya'll know i'm a grandma right. well my grandbaby is far away in another state. probably won't be able to visit till next spring. boo hoo. really want daughter here in town to get pregnant but they've had to work a few things out int he relationship. It seems to have been worked out.
My daughter calls yesterday a.m. This is what she says,"Mom, guess what?" I dunno says sb. "I went to the doctor this morning.....(pausing) (me thinking hmmm I bet she's pregnant?) and this is what he said." Yeah I said what'd he say, said sb. "well he told me I have shingles," said daughter. It blew my head gasket. lol. So she's not contagious which is good and me and hubby met her for dinner tonight. I told her what she had said how she said it and we had a really great laugh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I told my bff this afternoon and bff thought oooo she's pregnant. yup. but no she's not. hmpf.
I think she will become a mom but its a matter of many years??View Thread
That's how I feel today. I don't complain to family about my lack of sleep but they feel the need to constantly tell me what they think I need to do about it. And it's not told in a helpful/kind way. Today I even got really long message from my mom's friend. I wrote her back letting her know that I don't agree with her. Just leave me alone! And then the opposite of wanting to be left alone, I keep seeing all these pics of some kids we know (my oldest daughter's age) getting together for play dates and I cry because we aren't invited. I have social anxiety and might not end up going but not being invited hurts too. I am lonely. Sleepy and lonely. View Thread
First I wish to say that I truly do care about and love you all. So what I write next, know is not about any one person or persons here... It's about me.
I've decided that interacting with others is not beneficial for me, be it online or offline. It isn't just WebMd boards but all sites like FB, etc.
I'm finding it difficult now that I can not disassociate as well as I used to and am now feeling whatever the heck these emotions are that my T thinks I should feel. I just know that I can not handle the drama of online or offline life. So for my own wellness and sanity, I have decided that being online is not beneficial for me.
And offline, I do not know ... I have many struggles I'm dealing with. Restraining orders against perps which seems to be never ending and the results always the same. Health issues... The newest is testing for Leukemia. I just feel as if I am backsliding.
I have my partner and Therapist and Doctors and of course, MandyCake. Will this be enough for me to not give in or give up? Will they be enough for me to keep fighting? I do not know...
I just know that I need to eliminate as much drama from my life as I can and it must start with the online...
I love you all. I pray that your journeys before you will be healing. I pray that you all find peace. I will miss you and the family of butterflies we have all been.
As my therapist states: Change means finding ways to let go... So fly free butterflies...
Lovely Lemon Tree's precious cat Savannah had a birthday recently & I think we should have a party to celebrate.
I will bring my 2 cats, Odin & Loki. They are both males, but I'm sure they'd love to play with Savannah & bring one of their favorite toys - an open brown grocery bag. Hours of fun - especially if you can hide in it & attack your brother.
And all this is upsetting me to the point where I'm wondering if I have touch of irritable bowels. That's great fun.
And I don't say anything about it to anyone because that's not "me," it's not "good ol' dependable R," who shows up like "clockwork" who, if she does not keep her routine or schedule or obligations, everyone knows that something is wrong, who, if she does not call right on time, gets a text from her parents exactly five minutes past the hour saying "are you okay??"
wanted to tell everyone here and lurking that My gratitude for the day is :i
I know many are struggling with very difficult issues right now and i'm so glad to hear of the ones of you who are in therapy. It's a whole life journey isn't it?! I know i'm not thrilled that i'm not farther along in my journey then I feel I should be but once again I know that I have to do a lot of hard work to get where I want to be. I've started that journey and have made some progress and even tho it took so much courage I will have to go thru this many more times before I begin to heal... from my past. to go forward......
May God Bless you and walk before you in your journey.View Thread
Phew...just wanted to say I finally made the call to try therapy. That feels good and I wanted to share with this group. You are so very dear to me and have been a tremendous help in more ways then I can express.
from the excellent advice, the shared stories, uplifting words and kindness to a sense of friendship. THANK YOU SHC!
"Perhaps the truth depends on a walk around the lake." - Wallace Stevens. This was followed by a "Let's do some grounding, today using Acupressure points around the chest." This was followed by the session of Safe and Unsafe Self-Nurturing and develop a plan for the week of ways to give "yourself gifts of ways to increase safe self nurturing and gifts to decrease unsafe self nurturing."
Being ill with Bronchitis/Pneumonia, construction, traffic, I was already feeling irritable, frustrated, annoyed when I arrived at my T's office.
The phrase above just further made me feel angry. The grounding... I wanted to scream... then the session, really ticked me off.
Really, I stated... First, years of therapy are spent in getting me to "feel" emotions, only to spend the years thereafter learning to distract, ground, and self nurture away these very emotions. I find this contradicting. I also wanted to know how this band aid approach to the crap of my life was going to fix anything. This was met with, I know this is hard, Let's just focus on the moment. Again, I just wanted to scream.. Obviously you do not know if you are again trying to do the "let's focus" thing. I want answers, I want to discover the problem and fix it. Not medicate it, not bandage it. Is this too much to ask?
No answer was forthcoming obviously. Then to awaken from nightmares, screaming and crying this a.m. and even awake feeling the nightmare continue to play out, thus triggering flashbacks so that reality became blurred...
If it were not for my partner, I would have SH'd again this week. I kept disassociating yesterday and my T kept "bringing me back into the moment" wanting me to experience this... grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr....
Does anyone else have issues with always having to Ground, Distract and Self-Nurture? If so, what do you do that helps? What do you think? Feel?
Hope everyone here is doing ok, can't read anything right now
I'm having a hard night, and I really need to get to sleep cause I have to be up for work in like 5 hours...but I can't make my mind shut up. I messed up and cut a little on Father's Day...I've made it since then, but I feel like giving up. Does anyone else ever feel like if you tell someone how you feel you are just being manipulative? This is totally rambling and disjointed, but its all I've got right now.
I feel like my support system that I've tried to set up over the last year+ is gone right now (not permanently...just in the recent past and for another couple of weeks) because B, the person I confide in most just got married (yesterday) so he's had his own stress over the last few months and is now off for 2 weeks. It's not fair for me to fall apart just because he's not around, but I kind of am...partly just because him being gone means I get his workload at the office, too...so I'll probably add several hours to my normal schedule over the next 2 weeks
Ok...going to try again to sleep...if you made it this far, thanks.
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