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Self Harm Community

Welcome to a safe place to talk and get support from others who have been ... more

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lizzyerd85

Joined: 07/10/2010

My Story:

it's not very long.
i have gone back and forth over the years with this, more so recently.
i *like* to think that it started back in basic when i became so worried about a friend that i scratched my hand so much to create an open wound.
after thinking about it it may have started orignally a long time ago, that just sealed it i suppose.
after that one time, and after being discharged i've got back and forth, five years of back and forth.

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**TRIGGER** So. **TRIGGER**

TRIGGER TRIGGER ** Preamble. I am right now unable to get online at home so if anyone...

Posted by lizzyerd85

TRIGGER
TRIGGER

** Preamble. I am right now unable to get online at home so if anyone answers it may be a while before I can reply back. Just fyi***

So.

First. I want to share this part, it matters, just deal with me. I have a lot of respect for dreams, I know that may sound odd, but I honestly believe that dreams do in a since send you messages. I dreamt once that I had a child - a son, and it felt SO real to me. I know it may seem silly but I have the highest feeling that that was the child I will some day in the future have.
Well a few weeks ago I had a rather interesting dream.

I was with my grandmother on my father's side along with my grandfather (her fist husband who has been deceased for nearly twenty-years now) and my father.
I don't remember everything about it but this was the main.
My grandmother (who is still alive, I just have not seen nor spoken to her in nearly 10 years, maybe longer) was very frail in the dream - in real life she is rather small, but frail is NOT a word I would use to decribe her. She was also trying to smoke a ciggerate but each time she was doing something wrong and would drop the ciggerate and my grandfather would pick it up and through it away.
Also at some point in the dream I basically told my father off. (I have not spoken to my father in nearly eight years, give or take).

Yesterday I recieved a message from my oldest brother to call him. That he had news about our grandmother.
She has breast cancer.

((I feel like I've written this here already but it may be remembering what I wrote to someone else)) About two weeks, give or take, I was driving somewhere and wound up taking a road I don't normally take. I happened to drive right by where she lives. Now, I had thought another place was hers and had actually tried to figure out which one she lives in with no success. (yeah I know I could ask someone, and I have once about a yr ago I asked my brother, and I'm still waiting for it. But now... it's basically a matter of pride. Hotheaded pride, yes, but pride none the less.)
Anyways.
I thought about going. Thought about seeing her. Even tried to drive through to see if I could remember. I couldn't remember and initially just decided not to try. (that and I *had* to be somewhere).

Now. I feel to see her now would be more like 'well okay, but only because you're sick'. I don't want that. I never wanted that. If I had gone the other week it wouldn't have been that. If my brother had given my the address when I asked for it, it wouldn't have been that (maybe. i really don't know for sure).
Of course, when I got the message I was convinced my brother would be telling me that our grandmother had died.

Also.

I had posted awhile ago I believe, that a friend from work had been diagnosed with Thyroid cancer. About three months or so she was deemed cancer free.
Until about two days ago.
The cancer has come back and now she has to go in for surgery and may possibly have to have a bone marrow translpant.
Again. She has two small children (6 and 5) and she's also the only one working.

I have no idea how to feel about either situation. And I find it... interesting?.... Odd?... wrong? That I feel *worse* about my friend's health problem than I do about my own Grandmother.
Then I feel worse for both because I feel like pushing my odd feelings out there is taking every concern away from them.

How am I suppose to feel?
I know. There is no 'suppose' there is just what I *do* feel. But, what if that makes me feel like I'm lower than the lowest layer of dirt?

I do hope everyone is doing well. Or at the very least that everyone is doing.

All good thoughts to everyone.

~lizz~View Thread

Posted bylizzyerd85

1 Reply | Reply | Watch This DiscussionReport This| Share this:**TRIGGER** So. **TRIGGER** TRIGGER TRIGGER ** Preamble. I am right now unable to get online at home so if anyone...

Reply: Checking in

as always i'm semi-here. not able to get online at home and i can only read posts on my...

Posted by lizzyerd85

24 Replies | Reply | Watch This DiscussionReport This| Share this:Checking in as always i'm semi-here. not able to get online at home and i can only read posts on my...

Reply: o/t OBESITY AND SURGERY

Fran: I agree with kitty (even though I've never seen you so I don't know how you...

Posted by lizzyerd85

10 Replies | Reply | Watch This DiscussionReport This| Share this:o/t OBESITY AND SURGERY Fran: I agree with kitty (even though I've never seen you so I don't know how you...

Reply: OMG OMG OMG!!! LOOK WHAT i JUST FOUND!!!!

wow. what to go! that's beyond awesome, paja, beyond happy for you!!! Now get on the...

Posted by lizzyerd85

11 Replies | Reply | Watch This DiscussionReport This| Share this:OMG OMG OMG!!! LOOK WHAT i JUST FOUND!!!! wow. what to go! that's beyond awesome, paja, beyond happy for you!!! Now get on the...

Reply: My son....

I'm sorry to hear that. But I am glad that you found out. Your best course at this time...

Posted by lizzyerd85

5 Replies | Reply | Watch This DiscussionReport This| Share this:My son.... I'm sorry to hear that. But I am glad that you found out. Your best course at this time...

Reply: thingso help I hope

Posted by lizzyerd85

16 Replies | Reply | Watch This DiscussionReport This| Share this:thingso help I hope

Reply: Suicidal Thoughts won't go away

Hi. To be honest I really think we don't have the abilities to give you the help or...

Posted by lizzyerd85

Hi.

To be honest I really think we don't have the abilities to give you the help or even much advice that you need
I honestly think that you'd be much better off calling a hotline. There's the main suicide prevention hotline... you can call them, you don't even have to mention the suicide part (even though I think you should) and just have someone who is stepped away to help and to listen, they may even be able to direct you somewhere that you could go for counseling - sometimes you can even call and talk to the same person when you call a hotline.
1-800-273-8255
I'm sure there's other but that's the main national one where they have trained people to help.

Sounds like grief counseling would benefit you very much - it doesn't matter if this was a year ago or last week, grief and death affects so many different people so many different ways, there is NO ONE who can tell you how long you should or should not grieve for someone, especially a parent no matter how much or little they were in your life.

I don't know if you're a church goer but that also may help. If you can rely on your preacher/pastor or maybe just one or two people in the congregation.
Also there is a meeting based thing that's started called Celebrate Recovery
It is a religion/church/bible type of thing and it does have some of it's parts from AA like a ten-step program but it is for "Life's hurts, habits and hang ups.".
I think it's fairly new and since I don't know where you live you're best bet would be to google the name with your state and see if there's a church somewhere close by that hands the connection group.

But I will repeat that right now you're best course of action would be to call the hotline.
It's wonderful that you're seeking help somewhere, but there's also only so much a message board can do for people. Especially since it's not in 'real time'. As it is I can tell it's been nearly half a day before even *I* got to this post to answer it.
Plus that a lot of us are in certain spots that we just cannot offer the help that we would love to give you and that you very much need.

That said... I will repeat only one more time. Please call the hotline. It may actually help.

1-800-273-8255

And be safe.

<3 LizzView Thread

Posted bylizzyerd85

5 Replies | Reply | Watch This DiscussionReport This| Share this:Suicidal Thoughts won't go away Hi. To be honest I really think we don't have the abilities to give you the help or...

Reply: *Trigger* Wonderingseses *no response needed*

I just might, fran, thanks. I get kinda nervous though... I have no idea if it's...

Posted by lizzyerd85

8 Replies | Reply | Watch This DiscussionReport This| Share this:*Trigger* Wonderingseses *no response needed* I just might, fran, thanks. I get kinda nervous though... I have no idea if it's...

Reply: Mama Bear **Possible Trigger** No response necessa...

Bes: I think it's a good thing you told him. A relationship is all about trust one of...

Posted by lizzyerd85

8 Replies | Reply | Watch This DiscussionReport This| Share this:Mama Bear **Possible Trigger** No response necessary Bes: I think it's a good thing you told him. A relationship is all about trust one of...

Reply: Question for everyone...

fran: ah okay, thanks. I think I have heard of that. Like I said I've got no room to...

Posted by lizzyerd85

12 Replies | Reply | Watch This DiscussionReport This| Share this:Question for everyone... fran: ah okay, thanks. I think I have heard of that. Like I said I've got no room to...

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