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Self Harm Community

Welcome to a safe place to talk and get support from others who have been ... more

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besmith75

Joined: 04/11/2012

My Story:

I'm 37 years old with 2 beautiful sons and the cutest darn dog you've ever seen (she's watching me type with her big dark eyes so I feel obligated to mention her). And, I'm obviously here for a reason. I cut (I also have epilepsy, an active eating disorder, and am 4 1/2 years clean from a cocaine addiction that almost killed me multiple times). I've become extremely creative when it comes to explaining the cuts and scars...although I'm starting to run out of material. My SIV and ED are a secret (as far as I know) and I know I should probably seek the help of a therapist...but I can't imagine (at this point) opening up to somebody who doesn't know me or understand me about my innermost thoughts and feelings...and yet I'm on an anonymous discussion board. Huh, that one doesn't even make sense to me.

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Reply: Distraction Action

I want to thank LLT for the eyebrow raise. Cracked me right up. You gals are all so...

Posted by besmith75

8 Replies | Reply | Watch This DiscussionReport This| Share this:Distraction Action I want to thank LLT for the eyebrow raise. Cracked me right up. You gals are all so...

Reply: Distraction Action

Well...2 kids later I want a flat flat flat stomach (and no stretch marks please). Maybe...

Posted by besmith75

8 Replies | Reply | Watch This DiscussionReport This| Share this:Distraction Action Well...2 kids later I want a flat flat flat stomach (and no stretch marks please). Maybe...

Reply: gratitude for us 2.13

2.28.13 I'm grateful to have a place where I can be honest and truthful wihtout being...

Posted by besmith75

31 Replies | Reply | Watch This DiscussionReport This| Share this:gratitude for us 2.13 2.28.13 I'm grateful to have a place where I can be honest and truthful wihtout being...

Advice please...

Could...

Posted by besmith75

Could trigger..............................................................................
..................................................................................................
..................................................................................................

I don't have a T. My father sent me to one when my parents divorced (I was 11). That lasted two sessions and she told him that I was perfectly adjusted when it came to the divorce. I went to a T after I was raped and beaten at 15. That lasted exactly 1 session because I did not feel comfortable talking to anyone. My mother tried to put me in group therapy and that lasted about 4 sessions. I guess I've always had an issue with talking to somebody I don't know about my inner workings (which is really a contradiction considering that I'm here and I rely so much on you ladies)

I know I need one now. I have a laundry list of issues. My mother's death 3 1/2 years ago...a past drug problem...an eating disorder. All of the things I'm sure a T looks for. But this is what has pushed me over the edge and made me realize that I can't do this alone anymore:

I'll start off with this...I have epilepsy. I was diagnosed at age 19 and have been on medication since. When I had seizures the first 10-15 years I generally had tonic/clonic (the granddaddy grand mal...go big or go home). I've had medication changes probably 5 or 6 times...which isn't uncommon. The medications (3 of them) that I am on now are working to control the big guys...but I still have different types of seizures. I have atonic seizures where I fall to the ground and I have simple sensory and simple psychological (my vision will suddenly change...I have strange mood swings...that type of thing). Okay...with that being said...stress is a HUGE precursor to seizures. I have been under A LOT of stress lately. I had a massive simple sensory and psychological seizure on Tuesday. I remember getting to work and I know I left early but I don't remember it. I remember calling my boyfriend crying and so he picked up my son from school...but I have very little memory of that day. I 'came to' (or woke up) Wednesday morning and couldn't get out of bed. No kids (I was smart enough to ship them off so they wouldn't have to see it) so I was able to sleep most of the day. However...at some point I cut...twice...and I don't really remember it. It's vague. I have two big slashes on my leg (and they even had bandages on them)...but I barely remember doing it. I couldn't tell you when it happened during all of this. Last night I had some disturbing nightmares. So disturbing that I would force myself to wake up just to get out of them. But every time I fell back asleep I would go back into one. It makes me want to both vomit and cry just thinking about them.

I need a T. I know that now. How do I go about finding a good one...and once I do...where do I start? The idea scares me to death...but the actions over the last couple of days scare me even more. I just don't know where to start...View Thread

Posted bybesmith75

2 Replies | Reply | Watch This DiscussionReport This| Share this:Advice please... Could...

Reply: Out on a limb MAGOR TRIGGER

I think that no matter how loud we speak or how tall we stand...we are still fighting the...

Posted by besmith75

4 Replies | Reply | Watch This DiscussionReport This| Share this:Out on a limb MAGOR TRIGGER I think that no matter how loud we speak or how tall we stand...we are still fighting the...

Reply: Out on a limb MAGOR TRIGGER

Oh Bonnie... (((((HUGS))))) I actually had something similar happen to me by a friend's...

Posted by besmith75

4 Replies | Reply | Watch This DiscussionReport This| Share this:Out on a limb MAGOR TRIGGER Oh Bonnie... (((((HUGS))))) I actually had something similar happen to me by a friend's...

Reply: Need advice with escalating problem. 'Warning: Tri...

I remember being afraid to tell my boyfriend about my SH'ing and so I just let him read...

Posted by besmith75

8 Replies | Reply | Watch This DiscussionReport This| Share this:Need advice with escalating problem. 'Warning: Trigger' I remember being afraid to tell my boyfriend about my SH'ing and so I just let him read...

Reply: Me - Possible trigger to Paja

Here's another hug if you don't mind (((KT))). I've never seen you...but I know that you...

Posted by besmith75

7 Replies | Reply | Watch This DiscussionReport This| Share this:Me - Possible trigger to Paja Here's another hug if you don't mind (((KT))). I've never seen you...but I know that you...

Reply: I can't do this again....

Thank you SB. Thank you so much. I really don't feel so alone now. It's just so sad to me...

Posted by besmith75

5 Replies | Reply | Watch This DiscussionReport This| Share this:I can't do this again.... Thank you SB. Thank you so much. I really don't feel so alone now. It's just so sad to me...

Reply: I can't do this again....

I don't know why this posted twice. Ignore this one.

Posted by besmith75

1 Reply | Reply | Watch This DiscussionReport This| Share this:I can't do this again.... I don't know why this posted twice. Ignore this one.

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