Oh Prophetess...((((hugs if okay))). You said that you'll be going hom to an empty house where there is no one to get in the way of your SH. Honestly...only YOU can get in the way of your SH. I know that I've had times where I've planned where I'm going to do it...how I'm going to do it...and when I'm going to do it. Sometimes it's an elaborate plan...but I know that there is something inside of me that is making these plans. Something much bigger than the act of SH'ing.
Losing that dog was losing one of your best friends (I don't know what I'd do without my dog) and you need to grieve. Cry. Scream. Get mad at all of the unfairness in this world. Be loud. Get it out. Out of your system.
It sounds like you're experiencing a perfect storm. So much is going on right now and if you're anything like me...you can only take so much until your coping skills lead you to SH. So try to break it down and think about one thing at a time.
I already mentioned your dog friend. I am so sorry to hear about that. I truly am. I have a great virtual shoulder here...and you are more than welcome to cry on it.
Valentines day. I know it's important to some people. Trust me...I walked down the aisles at the pharmacy the other day to pick up my meds and I've never seen so much red and pink in my life. And purple elephants holding hearts? Really? Valentines day isn't necessarily about love or romance. I may offend some people here...but in many ways it's a retail holiday. A lot of cards are sold. A lot of candy is sold. And a lot of roses are sold. But you know who your best Valentine is? Phrophetess. I know...easier said that done...but maybe it's a day we can all use to focus on self love and not romantic love. Forget about the cards, candy, or dates. Overrated. Buy yourself some candy...take a bubble bath...and celebrate who YOU are.
I can understand how that movie might be a trigger for you. I was a heavy drug user for years. I've been clean for 5 1/2...but I'll tell you what...there are times I watch certain movies and reead certain books and I want to pick up the phone and make that call. Make that deal. And then I realize...I'm backtracking. I'm being affected by a work of fiction and letting it dictate that moment. I can't throw away 5 1/2 years of health and life because of it. Once again...easier said than done. But this is your life...not a character in a movie. I know it looks appealing. I know that you see it and you almost yearn for it. I also know that it will get you nowhere other than more depressed and upset. We always post triggers here because we know that what we say may have the potential to set someone off. That movie should have come with a TRIGGER warning...but it didn't. Look at it like a board post. It was someone elses experience.
I don't know that anything I've said is much help...but I am here...I did read your post...and I do care. I can't say I completely understand...but I do have an idea of how you are feeling. Just try to take it one day at a time...okay? Or one hour at a time...or one minute at a time. Whatever it takes to do what's best for you. Please be safe.
YAY about the lack of self injuring crossing your mind. How strong do you feel? I'm so proud of you for that and I admire your strength! For what it's worth...I have a friend of 25 years who I know is just toxic. We have this cycle of getting close and then I slowly realize that she's also lying to me and then telling me what she thinks I want to hear. It took me a long time to see the pattern (and yet everyone around me not only saw it...but warned me about it...even her own family members). I've realized that yes...we've shared 25 years of our lives...and some incredible memories together...but if she can't be the friend that I need her to be...then I need to distance myself. I love her...I always will...and maybe it's selfish of me...but I just do not want that 'waiting for the other shoe to fall' feeling. I truly hope that you are able to work things out with your friend...but if you are in a position that makes you feel wary or exhausted...you need to do what's right for YOU. It may sting...but in the end it will only serve to make you happier. It's hard to have people in your life that you cannot trust.View Thread
Well...here's my karaoke story for you. I can't sing. I absolutely cannot sing. When my oldest son was little...I was singing to him and he actually asked me to stop. So...one night when I was out with my friends I lost a bet and was forced to do it. I did 'Cleaning Out My Closet' by Eminem and got a standing ovation. That was my first...only...and last karaoke experience. View Thread
Hi CJ... I've been away from the board for awhile now and so you don't know who I am...but I've read this whole string and wow...you are an extremely intelligent and insightful person. I would like to introduce myself. Obviously I'm Besmith. The symbol I use is the Chinese symbol for my mother's name. Strangely...we are not Asian. My grandmother was young...heard the word 'Tao' and thougt it would be a nice name for her oldest child. My mother passed away just over 4 years ago. I am a former drug user (5 1/2 years clean)...I have an eating disorder...and I SH. The trifecta of self destruction. I know that just reading this string doesn't really give me the right to an opinion...but I'll throw it out there anyway...
NEVER let a man (or woman) affect your self esteem in any way. It sounds like this R is someone who can understand you and you can just be CJ with him. I hope I'm right by that. I hope that seeing him with lift you up. But if not...bye bye to R. I have 2 from my past that lived as poison in my veins and that's been a hard road.
I see that you've also met the amazing peeps on the board (whom I have missed so dearly at times)
There are artists, free thinkers, those who aren't afraid to show brutal honesty, those who take your story to heart and really feel it with you, those who have strength that they don't recognize (although others do), those who need a hug, those who are always good for a hug, and those who pull us out of our darkness at times to go on cyber picnics or have pajama parties.
Me? I have a degree in sociology with a minor in humanties (although I work in the medical field that has nothing to do with either). I'm fascinated by groups. People with shared beliefs. People who come together for a greater cause. People with enough strength to hold others up when they feel that they are falling. This board is the embodiment of what I studied...and more. You may not see faces or know real names...but know that every single person here loves you. It's true. I haven't walked in their shoes (although sometimes I'm convinced that Paja doesn't wear shoes...she just lets the grass dance between her toes)...but I know what it is that we feel when we SH. I'm obviously late in saying so...but welcome to our safe little corner of the world. We're a family here...and a healthy one at that. If you need to rest your head on someone's shoulder...there are a whole lot of shoulders here just waiting for you. I read 4 months of your string and I believe in you. You are so much more than you think you are. Sorry if this offends anyone...but as John Wayne once said...don't let the bastards get you down. (Dr.X sounds like a real jerk).
I don't know if you've ever tried it...but yoga is amazing. It's very soothing and friendly to all body types and aches and pains. There are so many movements and you can choose your own and what order to do them in. It's a great way for me to focus...meditate...and just breathe. If you're interested you should just google it. Let me know and I could help set up a plan with you. For example...I have lower back problems so twice a day (when I can fit it in) I do four movements that I call the 4 C's. Cat, Cow, Cobra, and Child. It helps immensly.View Thread
I want to thank you ladies for your hugs (and I'll take all that I can get LLT). I wasn't able to completely fight off the urge. I did do it...but I was able to control myself enough to keep it small. I'm hoping that this was it. Maybe a one time relapse. That's what I keep telling myself anyway. I think I'm back in battle...but you all are right. I was able to control myself for almost a year...I can do it again. Now I remember why I came to this board. You are all so special. Thank you so much. Love to you all!!View Thread
I don't know if any of you remember me...I haven't posted in probably a year. I've been doing very well. I've had some positive changes in my life. And yet...
I feel the urge. I want to SH right now. I was going to when I got out of the bathtub...but I could hear my boys in the living room...so I didn't. Now I'm sitting here trying to figure out when I can. Maybe later tonight? Maybe tomorrow at work (for some reason I seem to have a penchant for SH'ing at work)? I just know that I want to. I need to.
I have (or have had) an eating disorder. I've gained some weight and that is so hard to live with.
I had (or have had) a drug problem. Clean since 2007. 5 1/2 years clean...but I want to use.
I can't drop the weight tonight. I can't put myself through what I went through with the drugs (3 overdoses and dt's that almost killed me). But...I can cut. Instant emotional gratification.
Why does this come and go? I haven't SH'd in months. Probably close to a year. But I have this knot in the pit of my stomach that I know won't go away until I cut.
I know that most of you don't know or remember me. I know that nobody has an answer. I don't know why I decided to come here tonight. I guess I just need to connect with others who can understand the grip this has on me. I feel like I don't have a choice...I just have to find the time. It's like I'm putting my SH'ing on my to do list.
I want to use logic and tell myself that it isn't going to accomplish anything...but my emotions are overriding my logic and I'm obsessing. I'm riding a wave of pain that came out of nowhere.
Right now I'd rather be anyone but me.
No response needed. I just feel so alone. Suddenly alone. And I can't think of a way to talk myself out of SH'ing...View Thread
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