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Self Harm Community

Welcome to a safe place to talk and get support from others who have been ... more

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besmith75

Joined: 04/11/2012

My Story:

I'm 37 years old with 2 beautiful sons and the cutest darn dog you've ever seen (she's watching me type with her big dark eyes so I feel obligated to mention her). And, I'm obviously here for a reason. I cut (I also have epilepsy, an active eating disorder, and am 4 1/2 years clean from a cocaine addiction that almost killed me multiple times). I've become extremely creative when it comes to explaining the cuts and scars...although I'm starting to run out of material. My SIV and ED are a secret (as far as I know) and I know I should probably seek the help of a therapist...but I can't imagine (at this point) opening up to somebody who doesn't know me or understand me about my innermost thoughts and feelings...and yet I'm on an anonymous discussion board. Huh, that one doesn't even make sense to me.

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Reply: Introductions for everyone - welcome!

LLT...I just wanted to say that I lived in Maine when I was married to my first husband...

Posted by besmith75

12 Replies | Reply | Watch This DiscussionReport This| Share this:Introductions for everyone - welcome! LLT...I just wanted to say that I lived in Maine when I was married to my first husband...

Gratitude 6/4/2012

I really don't know why I'm starting a gratitude post. It hasn't been a stellar day or...

Posted by besmith75

10 Replies | Reply | Watch This DiscussionReport This| Share this:Gratitude 6/4/2012 I really don't know why I'm starting a gratitude post. It hasn't been a stellar day or...

Reply: really struggling - trigger (SA/SI)

I know that you posted this a couple of days ago...but I've been off of the board for a...

Posted by besmith75

8 Replies | Reply | Watch This DiscussionReport This| Share this:really struggling - trigger (SA/SI) I know that you posted this a couple of days ago...but I've been off of the board for a...

Reply: proud of myselves .....triggery

YAY FOR PAJA!!!! That Prednisone is nasty nasty stuff. I'm so proud of you for being able...

Posted by besmith75

8 Replies | Reply | Watch This DiscussionReport This| Share this:proud of myselves .....triggery YAY FOR PAJA!!!! That Prednisone is nasty nasty stuff. I'm so proud of you for being able...

Reply: Introductions for everyone - welcome!

Not sure where that strange smiley face came from...but my sons are 17 and 8. And I also...

Posted by besmith75

12 Replies | Reply | Watch This DiscussionReport This| Share this:Introductions for everyone - welcome! Not sure where that strange smiley face came from...but my sons are 17 and 8. And I also...

Reply: Introductions for everyone - welcome!

Hey there! I'm B. I've only been on the board for a couple of months. I'm 37 yrs old...

Posted by besmith75

12 Replies | Reply | Watch This DiscussionReport This| Share this:Introductions for everyone - welcome! Hey there! I'm B. I've only been on the board for a couple of months. I'm 37 yrs old...

Reply: keeping myselves accountable - triggery?

I was on prednisone for my sciatica & I can empathize. I spoke to my doc about what...

Posted by besmith75

15 Replies | Reply | Watch This DiscussionReport This| Share this:keeping myselves accountable - triggery? I was on prednisone for my sciatica & I can empathize. I spoke to my doc about what...

Reply: please read. trigger.

I agree with Kate. Never apologize for anything you post on here. If you don't talk about...

Posted by besmith75

3 Replies | Reply | Watch This DiscussionReport This| Share this:please read. trigger. I agree with Kate. Never apologize for anything you post on here. If you don't talk about...

Reply: Been away for a while and need to hear other voice...

Paja posted this awhile ago. I emailed it to my boyfriend. I don't know if it will be of...

Posted by besmith75

Paja posted this awhile ago. I emailed it to my boyfriend. I don't know if it will be of any help to anyone else, but here it is:

SIV: Self inflicted violence (cutting)

The basic of self inflicted violence is this...Intense emotional pain is hard to deal with. You can't see it, you can't put a bandage on it, you can't fully explain it to anyone else. The pain is personal and well, excruciating. Some people have learned not to show pain, or lack the ability to effectively communicate pain. When the tension builds internally to a point that feels like..."I'm going to explode, I am going to go insane" people who self injure...injure themselves. This act does many things...says many things....

1. It transfers the pain to the surface, where you CAN see it, you CAN heal it. You can't bandage the soul, but you can bandage your arm.

2. The blood speaks volumes as to the internal pain. Think of the cut as a red mouth screaming the pain. This maybe the only way a person can express the discomfort they are in.

3. The act itself will literally cut the tension one is feeling. You are left with a calmness, a dissociating "high", you feel back in control now that the energy is released. This fact makes SIV a very addicting act. You are positively reinforced each time you injure.

SIV is very alarming/disturbing to people who don't do it. What you need to know about us is this. We are not trying to kill ourselves with the injuring...think of it more as self medicating. SIV does not = suicide attempt. Suicide is an another catagory all by its self. Suicide = taking action to ends ones life, while SIV = taking action to ease internal pressure, so one can keep on functioning. It is, in fact, often used to stop one from reaching that point of seeking fatal means to cope. The number one most common denominator to SIV is a history of sexual abuse...we are talking about deep deep issues that need a professional touch here, the healing journey is a hard one. Deep issues must be faced, a commitment to healing and working towards learning and using healthy coping skills must be there. One doesnt have to have any abuse in there background to learn SIV as coping skill., it works just as well no matter the reason behind it. SIV is about control too...controlling ones emotions and feelings and destiny. Cutting can give a sense of control. I CONTROL WHEN AND WHERE I FEEL THE PAIN. We are NOT crazy for injuring ourselves. We are just in pain, and have lost the ability to comunicate anyother way. Think of it this way...the SIV is a fever. Its a symptom of a deeper infection that needs to cleared up before the fever goes away. You would never tell a sick person...just stop having a fever. We do medicate the fever away, but does that cure the infection? Nope. There is deeper work we need to do. Things that are not helpful...

1. Giving ultimatums. "You may not cut." "I won't be your friend if you injure yourself."

2. "Stop it for me." "promise me you won't cut for me" - We need to stop for ourselves.

3. "Just don't cut" - if it were that simple don't you think we would do it?

4. Non injuring contracts.
SIV is a coping mechanisim. It may very well be the ONLY coping skill. Until there is a new skill learned-practiced-implemented, the SIV will continue. (We don't ask babies to be born and get up and walk the same day. They learn to use their muscles first, roll over, crawl, stand, then walk. It is a slow gradual process.) Re-learning/learning healthy coping skills is hard work.View Thread

Posted bybesmith75

10 Replies | Reply | Watch This DiscussionReport This| Share this:Been away for a while and need to hear other voices besides those in my head Paja posted this awhile ago. I emailed it to my boyfriend. I don't know if it will be of...

Reply: Gratitude 5/10

And that's supposed to say 'Gratitude 5/19'. Damn touchscreen on my phone...

Posted by besmith75

2 Replies | Reply | Watch This DiscussionReport This| Share this:Gratitude 5/10 And that's supposed to say 'Gratitude 5/19'. Damn touchscreen on my phone...

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