It was no accident you saw the cuts. I just didn't know how to bring up the subject and ask for help. I am very grateful you didn't turn away. Thank you for seeing me mom. Oh thank you so much for seeing me.
Yes. YES. But I am a drifter in your life, my time of living with you will soon be over. When I am gone you will be left with what exists at home. I worry about that. Don't you deserve a life too? Mom, I an't be your main focus in life, Enrich your own life as we all grow and change with life. I need you to be healthy and well too.
What happens when you do this - she wrote it numbs the emotions
I dissociate. Like a daydream feeling only 100% more in depth. Its like I have shed my skin and stepped out. Its like my soul vents though the cut and leave me a limp empty balloon. And I can breath again. Its like a cool rag on my feverish forehead, like a get out of jail free card. Its like having a magical key that stops the world so I can get off.
I can't see the danger in this unhealthy coping skill at the moment mom. All I know is that I feel better when I do it. It will be years and years before I realize I am so far from my core that I can no longer find my way back. I will struggle to go one day with out injuring. I will struggle to find a scar free area on my body to cut. I will be struggling to find the words to explain to my children why I have all these scars. I will be thankful you stepped in and got me help. [br>[br>Is this why you act out sexually
See your first question mom. Sometimes, things get messed up in life. Abuse to me = violent intent...maybe what happened to me wasn't rape, but something so subtle that I don't even know it affected me. But my body remembers and knows.
Mom, you have to protect me. Do not allow me to be unsupervised with my guy friends. Boys don't come in my room. My body may be ready to handle being sexually active, but my head and heart are not. Set firm boundaries and help me learn.
Thank you Mom for caring enough about me to tackle this subject you don't feel comfortable with. Thank you for reaching out and learning about this form other self injuries. Thank you for your action vs just telling me to stop.
I have been thinking about your questions, and wanted to answer them.
Did someone abuse you
There are only two answers to this one. Or so I thought. But truth be told I don't know, its a grey area for me, I'm not sure if what happened to me is "abuse" like you see depicted on TV...I will need to hash this one out with my therapist to sort out the answer. But I can tell you this...the feeling sits heavy in my soul.
WHY - which I know she has no answer
Mom, everything in my life right now is one large swirling WHY hurricane. I am being bombarded with so much life right now I can't comprehend it all. I am closing in on adulthood and I don't know what it is going to be like to step into that vast unknown. I am no longer a child, yet I feel a strange tugging of an anchor that has yet to be let loose from that direction. Life right now has so many open doors for me to step though, but I can't seem to get me to step through.
I know its okay. That this is want growing up is...but I feel like a new foal trying to gallop on knobbly knees and new legs. I'm sacred of falling mom, and equally scared of heading out.
Does she want to commit suicide
no mom. I am just trying to catch my breath and for a second feel nothing. I want..no need the world to just stop for a second. Its like some crazy ride that I can't get off. I want it all to stop just ...just so I can...be still. There is just so much right now. I just need the pain to stop for a minute and let me rest. Just one second of screaming from my skin and crying red tears vs screaming from my mouth.
What can I do - I know nothing except be there..
Mom , this isn't what you want to hear. But I have to tell you. You are not qualified to help me in this area. This isn't something you are trained to do. You can't kiss this better.
You are helping me the only way you can right now. Appointment with medical doctor for a well child check up, and appt with a councilor. All good thing mom.
The best thing you have done so far is: spoke up. You confronted me and DID something. I may be miffed of perturbed you did this right now, but now in your heart that in the future I will come across many others who's mama's did nothing, and I will be SO THANKFUL that you spoke up, and got me help.
What you can do to help me as we move forward is, to listen to me. Allow me to choose the therapist who will treat me. Sometimes it can be trial and error as I will need to find someone I can connect to. I will need to learn to trust this person and let them in. So its important we connect.
Why did this start...what happened
It started long before you think mom. I have been feeling this way for a while. I just don't have the words to express it. I didn't know what I was filling wasn't normal. This is just how it is in my head/heart.
When I first cut, it was like a rush of fresh air whooshing in and calming me. The blood welling up and crying those warm read tears, just felt so right.
I need help because this feels so right, how can it be so wrong? It will be years before I realize that I am having to cut more and more to get the same results By them I will be so addicted to the act that I will simply not have the desire/strength to change.
Right now it feels like I am cutting my self free. I need help to see that what is really going on is that I am cutting myself off. Off from myself, off from others, off from communication, off from my feelings. Off from it all.
Help me fight to stay connected.
Who told you about it - I don't know why I want to know that except maybe have someone to blame
Mom there is no one to blame here. People self injure, animals self injure, babies self injure...mom YOU self injure. I just reached a point that there was soooo much in my head/heart/soul I had to let it out. All the turmoil boiled to a point it needed out, screaming and crying were no longer working. I just simply had to scream with my skin.
Ruggie - hey when your ready to cross off walk through the red tree forest in CA look me up I will be your guide! I know some cool spots! And any excuse to spent time in my Eden is a good one!View Thread
I'm not really a psychopath, I just play one on the internet.
Oh K, I am sorry that *^^$% ruined your night out. (((((K)))))
It's awful when someone invades your life in such a SA type way. It stirs up other stuff.
I am so glad you had the strength to get away and go back where it was safe.
I am also proud of you for coming back here and reaching out. Its much harder to reach out then it is to SI. I hope you can see your over a year time invested in using healthy coping skills, helped you to handle this intrusion into your life.
As for tonight dear one, breath. Hug Mr. E and curl up and rest. If that doesn't work a hot/cold/hot/cold shower should help nip the urge to injure.
I know for me when its been a while between injuries if I use the snapping the rubber band on my forearm, it will satisfy the urge and it won't leave another scar.
You're on the right path, you saw the doctor, you are seeking counselling for her. You are helping her immensely by your actions.
this is some info that might help.
* * TRIGGER * *
A bit more info on Self inflicted Violence (SIV) for those interested.
Intense emotional pain is hard to deal with. You can't see it, you can't put a bandage on it, you can't fully explain it to anyone else. The pain is personal and well, excruciating. Some people have learned not to show pain, or lack the ability to effectively communicate pain.
When the tension builds internally to a point that feels like..."I'm going to explode, I am going to go insane" people who self injure...injure themselves. This act does many things...says many things....
1. It transfers the pain to the surface, where you CAN see it, you CAN heal it. You can't bandage the soul, but you can bandage your arm.
2. The blood speaks volumes as to the internal pain. Think of the cut as a red mouth screaming the pain. (this maybe the only way a person can express the discomfort they are in).
3. The act itself will literally cut the tension one is feeling. You are left with a calmness, a dissociating "high", you feel back in control now that the energy is released. This fact makes SIV a very addicting act. You are positively reinforced each time you injure.
SIV is very alarming/disturbing to people who don't do it. What you need to know about us is this. We are not trying to kill ourselves with the injuring...think of it more as self medicating.
SIV does not = suicide attempt. Suicide is an another category all by its self. Suicide = taking action to ends ones life, while SIV = taking action to ease internal pressure, so one can keep on functioning.
It is in fact often used to stop one from reaching that point of seeking fatal means to cope. The number one most common denominator to SIV is a history of sexual abuse...we are talking about deep deep issues that need a professional touch here, the healing journey is a hard one. Deep issues must be faced, a commitment to healing and working towards learning and using healthy coping skills must be there.
One doesn't have to have any abuse in there background to learn SIV as coping skill., it works just as well no matter the reason behind it. SIV is about control too...controlling ones emotions and feelings and destiny.
Cutting can give a sense of control. I CONTROL WHEN AND WHERE I FEEL THE PAIN.
We are NOT crazy for injuring ourselves. We are just in pain, and have lost the ability to communicate any other way.
Think of it this way...the SIV is a fever. Its a symptom of a deeper infection that needs to cleared up before the fever goes away. You would never tell a sick person...just stop having a fever. We do medicate the fever away, but does the cure the infection? nope. There is deeper work we need to do.
Things that are not helpful...
1. giving ultimatums You may not cut. I won't be your friend if you injure yourself.
2. "Stop it for me." "promise me you won't cut for me" - We need to stop for ourselves.
3. "just don't cut" - if it were that simple don't you think we would do it?
4. Non injuring contracts. SIV is a coping mechanism. It may very well be there ONLY coping skill. Until there is a new skill learned-practiced-implemented, the SIV will continue. (We don't ask babies to be born and get up and walk the same day. they learn to use there muscles first, roll over, crawl, stand, then walk. it is a slow gradual process.)
Re-learning/learning healthy coping skills is hard work. It is not an overnight process, expect the SIV to continue as we work in therapy. In the cases of past trauma, it might actually increase as the past is dealt with.
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