i spent the whole day fighting back tears...and just couldnt keep it together when I got home...and was alone...
TRIGGER...found my old knife - recently moved back home with my dad - K and I are on very rocky ground to say the least - and old habits die hard i guesss...only once, not like that makes it better, but all of sudden it was as if all my other scars shown bright and were telling me to stop...so i did. but ever since, ive just wanted to again.
havent told anyone...no one to tell except K, and well that just wouldnt work right now. so alone. and i could only think to put it here. to make myself say it/write it/admit that i fell off the wagon...to what I hope is temporary...
many thanks if you read this. thanks for being a part of my life in a small but very powerful way. much loveView Thread
of course! and thanks to you too...ive been going through a tough spot myself and what you said about cultivating relationships to talk about real life...i am missing that...thanks for that (HUGS)View Thread
And by adult theme, I mean it is a taboo subject and one I have had to confront for another time in my adult life but now with a man that I have fallen head over heals for...
This is going to be lengthy but I could use some advice right now. A lil story framing: they say you fall in love with someone like your dad. I thought that could never happen. My father made my baby sister 6yrs ago out of wedlock...didnt talk to him for a whole summer (we are best friends) it was incredibly hard to stay mad. I know far too much about my dad than I think most daughters know. He is sociopathic, intelligent, manipulative and has a sex addiction. Let's just say he has shared with me his adventures in Amsterdam with his fetish-y girlfriend and it is XXX (and many more XXX stories). Of course none of these have been professionally looked into since he believes psyho therapy as nonsense.
Now fast forward to 2 weeks ago...I discoverd K had not only been texting/sexting other women but had a couple to his new apartment without telling me. (I got into his phone on a visit, I have moved back home). So that makes the two closest men in my life are sick. I tried to ignore it, he has his show this weekend and we have a trip in June. But I couldnt keep it in. I confronted him over the phone last night (his rage is unpredictable). We talked for 3 hours. It was really good to do so, even though my heart is still broken. My ability to forgive prob comes from already learning to do so with my dad.
He did this back in January and it has been hard to deal with. He was great for 2 months and then things changed. It turns out he was going to therapy for his sex addiction and didnt tell me. And then he stopped going, and relapsed to to speak. He filled me in on gruesome details (I did ask to know) and shared with me his fears, how ashamed he is and the real reason he stopped persuing his dream to be a teacher (he does not feel he is healthy to lead children, and I agree).
Ive tried to hate him. Ive been trying to drink it away (among other things) to no avail. I cant hate him, its not in my nature. I want to see him healthy - for himself. This addiction infects his life. He admitted to being one person with me, and then someone else when Im not around. Hes aware of his sickness but is in such a dark place (he is suicidal) it has me concerned. I will always love him.
He called around today to get back into therapy. I can imagine how scary that is...I couldnt even do it myself...he wants to talk with a male for obvi reasons. He offered to just give me his trip tickets and is paying the last months bills w/o me. I know he is guilty and ashamed. And since I am the only person in his life who knows, I want to be there for him when I can.
I sent an email to a clinician service offered by my temp agency. This time Im going to answer the phone. Ive been researching sex addiction and he fits all that I have read. I also read about the partner to someone with this behavior. And I know I cant do this on my own. He is also the only person who knows I still SH sometimes...so in a way...we both need eachother.
Keeping a journal has helped me through a lot and felt the need to write this down. Holding these things in can rip you apart...no pun intended. I dont know who to talk to that wont look at him in a judgemental way (i can understand but still...). I know what that feels like to not know how to control bad behavior. We arent doing it to harm anyone else but ourselves.
I just feel so broken. Im barely eating. Been drinking more heavily. Contemplating Sh'g...I also couldnt promise K I wouldnt it...i dont know if it was just out of spite. Thanks for reading through this. I needed to. - much loveView Thread
Glad to hear of everyones progress and the lists are fab!
Been away myself...hope to put up a post soon with an update...
Bucket List: (in no particular order) Finally start therapy... Play rugby in europe and/or australia! then when in australia, scuba the Great barrier reef walk through the red tree forest in CA Eat sushi in Japan Own my own womens sport aparrel company Grow my hair back out... get my nose re-pierced Have pink hair again!
ok im having to much fun! thanks for this! ((HUGS))View Thread
hi washedaway- not sure if we ever met so hello!...ive been away for ahile myself - but ive been there. you feel violated and you may even feel you are fault. you most definitely are not! and to echo DD, you have built up your strength and courage this past year and you should be proud of how you handled the situation.
keep your head up and dont let this creep get in the way of your goals. dont let him leave anything more than a fleeting memory. thanks for sharing, i know that can be scary but its best to get these things out and not let them fester inside of us. much loveView Thread
Ive been away for a while, but I really appreciate you sharing your story. you are doing all the right things. stay supportive. it will change her world. it wont be immediate, but it will.
There is some exceeltn advice on this thread and I want to thank everyone for sharing.
And I, like SullenGirl told my parents, my sister and I both go through this struggle and they ignored it. As if it werent real. Now as an adult I have been lucky enough to find this forum. You are so strong and wonderful, that will pass on to your daughter.
Thank you for sharing and I wish you, your daughter and anyone else effected the very best in this journey of becoming healthy and happy. much loveView Thread