And to you, Bonnie and SB - You are the apple(s) of His eyes...
I've been in therapy many, many years (taking breaks here and there along the way but even staying in contact and doing phone sessions when I lived out of state). I'm just now getting an inkling as to why it is taking so long to BEGIN healing...I am very blessed with a T who continues to encourage me and never gets tired of telling me that he believes me....I am believed. Three incredible words: "I believe you." I think that has been one of the most healing things someone can tell another person - I believe you.
Validation. Self-worth. Knowing you matter. Knowing you are worth the fight, even if it is the rest of your life. Soooo many tapes in our minds to replace with the truth. Is it any wonder therapy takes years? Brainwashing is not easy to undo.
I'm sorry. I'm rambling again..I better force myself to go to bed. I have an early morning.
*********************************************************** This is a very powerful thread here. There is so much to think about...past, present, questions, answers, pain, damage, depression, feeling stuck, feeling trapped...trying to erase the old tapes of "don't tell," "can't tell," "no one will believe you," "good for nothing," just a piece of meat...a whirlwind of pain and questions. We all understand parts of each other's journeys...
Bonnie, it just isn't useful to compare one person's pain to another, is it? Can we be grateful we have clothes, a roof over our heads, etc.? Yes, but that is not what I mean. This pain we all carry - we have all still been hurt to our cores...But I still believe in miracles.
Dear Kate, you have no answers? I'm sure I don't understand your struggles, but I'm glad you added your voice to this thread. Thank you. I never had answers to my major chronic depression or what drove me to a couple of suicide attempts or why the suicidal ideation is constantly with me....until recently. As soon as the FBs started, I knew who the perp was..Then I discovered there was more than one...And I admit that the memories I do have now also raise more questions, too.
I have a question...Do your T's tell you to try to stay in the present when things start to overwhelm you or just all the time? I mean, my T gave me grounding techniques when the FBs get to be too much, but to be honest, if I'm in a FB I won't squash that info surfacing until it starts to overwhelm me. Well, actually, the FBs don't last but all the thoughts that go with it afterwards will get me deeply, deeply depressed and I have to remind myself of the year, where I live, etc., just so that I can function on a daily basis - but the grounding, at least how I understand it, isn't to shove things back into the closet.
I may be talking in circles and not making myself understood very well. I'm just trying to understand each of you better. I know how much I hurt, and I wouldn't wish this on anyone...in that sense, anyway, I understand.
I've rambled long enough. Thank you for listening.
Be gentle with yourselves...You do matter...You ARE worthwhile...You ARE important.View Thread
Hi, Rugger...Hope you don't mind my sharing a few words, too. I'm glad you took the step towards therapy. That's a huge deal, and that in itself is very courageous.
I've been dealing with memories for about 1-1/2 years now, and I keep getting reassured that as I discuss the flashbacks, journal, draw, etc., that it diminishes their power, and triggers will, over time, not devastate me, and I will have less of a reaction. For myself, I have already found that to be true. At first, dealing with the past and getting more flashbacks would just devastate me for days and days afterwards, but now I can usually function much sooner after something triggers panic or I get a flashback. Also, now most of my memories are in the form of intrusive images and not FBs in the real sense of the word.
Sort of like I've been carrying around this heavy backpack of rocks, and each time I can process an FB I'm able to toss out a heavy rock and that backpack gets a little lighter. I may always have the backpack, but its load gets much easier to manage.
I have an older friend who survived a much greater extent of trauma, and she occasionally will seek some therapy sessions, kind of like "tune-ups," if you will.
That's my take on it, anyway. I've been dealing with major chronic depression my whole life, I'm 48 now, and it was only about 1-1/2 years ago that my mind felt it was safe enough to start purging the memories. I made the subject of SA taboo many years ago with my therapist, and he always respected that. I never had any memories and I never believed therapists when they told me they suspected it. Anyway, he was just acting more as a "life coach" when BAM, the memories started bubbling up. Now, I'm back in heavy-duty therapy again.
Thanks for listening. Guess that was more than "a few words."
Since there is already a post here titled "insomnia," and it is about 3:45 a.m., I thought I would write a few lines. I do sleep - in the daytime I sleep pretty well. I can sleep at night (usually with a little help), usually a couple hours or up to 4 at a time. Part of my problem is that I don't WANT to go to bed. I've been thinking about this issue, and what I have decided is that I don't want to go to bed because I can't be vigilant when I'm sleeping, obviously.
I don't like not knowing what is going on around me, and I feel so vulnerable in a bed with eyes closed. Can anyone relate to those feelings? The weird thing is that when I do have to sleep I don't like lights or night lights on either because they keep me awake. That seems contradictory to me - I don't want to sleep, but when I do have to sleep I prefer near-total darkness (I don't mind moonlight).
Sigh. Anyway...just throwing that out there...I do have to try to get to bed now, though.
Dear Bonnie, it sounds like you are in quite a whirlwind these days. I don't know your story or anything, but your frustration and several other emotions are very evident.
I don't think I can really answer your questions. I try to compartmentalize when I am able. Like the other day, I had to tuck my inner child back into bed and promise another set time to work with her so that I could try to concentrate at work. It only works somewhat for me, but I think with practice it will help more.
Unfortunately I'm still in some very destructive coping patterns with my eating and suicidal ideation (not active, mind you), and I'm kind of with you about this feeling stuff. I've gone down into such a depression that I've had to start antidepressants again, except they aren't working. But, lately I've been thinking, you know, I'm just now believing my memories, and I have the right to grieve and be angry. Do I really want to medicate myself? Maybe I will need to in order to function, but I don't really WANT to deaden the feelings now - now that I FINALLY KNOW why I've been depressed my whole life.
People keep telling me to get angry about it, but how can I if I'm always avoiding the memories, etc? Sigh.
I mostly just wanted you to know I'm listening. Take care of yourself.View Thread
*nodding** Yes, it is hard. And, I'm sure you do greatly appreciate the on-line friends, and I'm sorry if it sounded like I thought you didn't. We all need flesh-and-blood support, too. That's just human nature. ((hugs if okay))
Thank you LLT, OTW and SB for your responses. I appreciate your thoughts. I will try to update you after I see the pdoc and see what he has to say.
Quite honestly, tonight I don't feel like fighting the feelings anymore. I am realizing for the first time in 1-/12 years after the memories started just how much my perp stole from me, and the total mess my existence has, has its roots planted firmly from all the abuses. Now that I am starting to believe my memories, perhaps I can begin to somehow untangle the mess that is my existence.
Don't worry about me one iota. I avoid emergency rooms and don't care to add anymore scars of that nature. What does it matter anyway, because I don't think I matter.
I know that must sound so pathetic. I'm just in a lot of pain tonight. I'm sorry.